Chapter 16 – Gentry
sixteen
GENTRY
We walked to the barn in silence. My hand settled on the small of her back as I guided her down the lit stone path.
When we arrived at my room, Ainsleigh remained silent, and I wished she would just say what was on her mind.
I hated that I couldn’t read her like I used to.
Even if it was for the best. Learning her tells would only leave me with more heartache when she walked out of my life again.
I could still feel the warmth of her lips against mine, and I had to find a way to push those thoughts to the wayside until I was alone and could process how I felt.
I shouldn’t have kissed her.
But I couldn’t help myself.
Sawyer told us repeatedly over the years that life was full of moments, and you had to grab the bull by the horns and live in the moment because you never knew when that moment would be your last.
And I had to embrace the moment.
I shut the door behind me as she walked over to the bed; the air mattress remained on the floor from where I slept last night.
Turning the overhead light on so I could see her better, I waited in my spot by the door to see what she would do, hoping she’d say something so I knew where her head was at.
“Can I get something to sleep in? I don’t have the energy to go inside and grab anything,” she whispered.
I walked over to my dresser on the other side of the room and pulled out a T-shirt.
With the shirt fisted in my hand, I walked over to her and stopped just as I stood in front of her.
She peered up at me with so many questions in her eyes, a hint of longing just underneath the surface.
I felt this pull toward her I couldn’t explain.
I cupped her cheek in my hand, and her breathing quickened as I leaned in.
I needed to kiss her as much as I needed my next breath.
I looked into her eyes just as our lips were mere inches apart, questioning her. She swallowed, and when she didn’t pull away, I placed a featherlight kiss upon her lips. She sighed at our connection, but before I could deepen the kiss, I pulled away. We couldn’t get carried away.
I handed her the shirt and went back over to the dresser to find a pair of sweats. Something to refrain me from kissing her again.
She turned away from me and took off the sleeveless top.
Briefly, I caught sight of the handprint tattooed on her shoulder and had to take a deep breath to hold myself together. I’d never seen a tattoo that lifelike, and the meaning behind it made it that much harder to rein in the emotions.
I shook those thoughts away as I turned and searched for a pair of sweats just in case she wanted them. With the sweatpants clenched in my fist, I turned around to find Ainsleigh had rid herself of her shorts and boots and was pulling the bedding back to climb into my bed.
She turned to the side, and my eyes zeroed in on the blueish marks on her arm.
Anger boiled inside me all over again at the imprint of fingers marring her flesh.
Without thought, I tossed the sweats on the top of the dresser and walked over to her.
Standing in front of her, I gently caressed the marks that should never have happened.
What I really wanted to do was kiss each bruise until the thoughts of that man hurting her left her subconscious, but I refrained.
We’d already pushed our luck tonight with that kiss. We shouldn’t push it even further.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked as she shivered against my fingertips.
“Yeah,” she replied as she looked to the ground.
A tell that hadn’t changed.
When she would lie to any of us, she could never look us in the eye. She always looked away or toward the ground so we couldn’t read her facial expressions.
“You don’t have to lie to me,” I grit out. Not angry at her, but angry at the man who'd dared put his hands on her. I’d get with her brothers later so we could find out who he was.
She shook her head before she looked up at me. Tears filled her eyes, and I knew she was going to finally face how tonight made her feel. Thankful that she still felt comfortable to show her emotions, when she would try so hard to bottle them up, only facing them when she was alone.
“I thought we were having fun. He said something crude, and I laughed it off and tried to walk away. That’s when he got mad and grabbed me.
Dylan told him to back off, but he laughed and ignored him.
Next thing I knew, you were beside me and hit him,” she confessed and looked away from me, shame marring her face.
I reached up and tilted her head back so she could look me in the eyes.
“You have nothing to be ashamed about. It was just dancing. He shouldn’t have thought anything more. And he shouldn’t have touched you. No man should ever put his hands on a woman out of anger,” I said as her eyes moved back and forth, taking in what I spoke.
She nodded as the first tear fell.
I pulled her into me and wrapped my arms around her shoulders to comfort her.
She broke down in my arms, her tears soaking my shirt, but I didn’t care. Making sure she was alright was all I could focus on at that moment. I’d face the consequences of how I felt tomorrow. Right now was all about making sure she felt safe and secure.
She pulled away from me and wiped her tears with the back of her hands.
“I really need to stop crying on you,” she said with a laugh, but it was fake. She was trying to make light of the situation, but she should know that wouldn’t work on me.
“I already told you. I’ll be here for you if you need me.”
Even though I shouldn’t. There was no way I could walk away from her if she needed me.
She mumbled something I couldn’t understand and turned and got into the bed, pulling the covers over her and up to her chin.
“What was that, butterfly?”
“I said thank you, but I don’t deserve your kindness.”
“Why do you think that?”
Through most people’s eyes, she didn’t. Up until I saw her again, I’d have told her she didn’t deserve my kindness.
But all that went away the first time I saw her crying at the sight of my tattoo.
Seeing her sad did something to me, and while I knew we couldn’t be what we once were again, she didn’t deserve my disdain.
She deserved my understanding. And once we finally have the conversation we should’ve had the moment she stepped foot back in Haven Valley, she’d find that she deserved my forgiveness as well.
I pulled off my boots and jeans and got settled on the air mattress, laying on my side with my head propped up on my hand so I could listen to what she had to say.
“You should hate me, that’s why. Most days, I hate myself.”
I was stunned at this small confession. So much so that I wasn’t sure how to respond.
I felt like she just needed me to be closer.
I got up from the air mattress and went to sit on the bed beside her.
My hand rested on the mattress as I leaned toward her, ready to scoop her in my arms to comfort her at a moment’s notice.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Instantly my mind believed that she referred to the kiss tonight, and my body went stock still, wanting to pull away from her and cower off to the air mattress to lick my wounds.
“What’re you sorry for, darlin’?” I managed to choke out, hoping and praying she didn't regret the intimate moment we’d shared tonight.
A moment, albeit hinging on the catastrophe the night brought, was a perfect moment nonetheless.
A moment where we weren’t two grieving souls ripped apart by what destiny had thrown our way.
We were just back to the Ainsleigh and Gentry of yesteryear. A place we should’ve been all along.
“So much more than you’ll ever realize,” she confessed, her hand moved slightly and her fingers began stroking the top of my hand.
I wanted to beg her to elaborate.
Instead I waited, my breath caught in my throat, longing for her confession to spark the conversation we should’ve had four years ago.
The conversation was well past overdue, but I couldn’t be the one to broach the subject. Ainsleigh had to be the one or else she’d shut down, and we’d never have the chance to exchange the grief-stricken thoughts we shared.
“You deserved more than a letter. I was just too much of a chicken to face you. I knew I needed to leave here to heal, and seeing you, confessing my plans to you, I knew you’d convince me to stay,” she finally muttered.
A lone teardrop escaped as the last word left her beautiful lips.
Her confession tore at my insides. The turmoil evident in her voice and the pain we’d gone through weighed heavily on my heart.
I didn’t speak for the longest time, just relished in the words she'd confessed as I mustered up the courage to respond.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, releasing the air from my nose before I spoke.
“Did you? Heal, I mean?”
What I really wanted to ask was, ”Was leaving me worth it?”
Her fingers stilled in their caress of my hand, and she flipped my hand over, the tips of her fingers ran along the palm of my hand. When her fingertips got to mine, she moved hers back down and stopped, linking her fingers within my own.
“I thought I had. I had a great four years of college. I missed home, but being away allowed me to suppress my feelings instead of face them. I don’t regret leaving and spreading my wings.”
I stiffened at her confession, feeling like she’d knocked the wind out of me.
“What I regret most was hurting you. I could’ve done so many things differently.
But should’ves and could’ves won’t get me anywhere.
Being back here hurts because I see how much life moved on without me.
I see how much I’ve missed from everyone’s lives even if there were phone calls and video messages.
I missed so many little moments, and I can’t get those moments back. ”
She took a breath.
I opened my mouth to speak, thinking she was finished, but closed it quickly when she began speaking again.
“I feel like I don’t know anyone anymore. I feel like I’m a stranger in my own home, even though everyone’s welcomed me with open arms. Everything looks the same, but it’s so different.”
“Four years will do that,” was the only thing I could muster as a response.
My heart beat fast inside the confines of its four walls.
She mentioned everyone else.
But she didn’t mention me.
It stung more than it should’ve. I should’ve expected to be excluded. It was the way my life was until I met her family. Until I stupidly fell in love with my best friend’s little sister.
But while it hurt that she was no longer mine, those were the best moments of my life.
“I know. But most of all, I hate that I don’t know you anymore.
You weren’t just my boyfriend. You were one of my best friends.
And losing you, losing the right to call you or see you or just be a part of your life, hurt so much.
I deserved the pain after what I did. And the longer I stayed away, the more I felt like I didn’t deserve to come back.
I didn’t heal by leaving, not like I wanted to, anyway.
I just pushed it all down, out of sight, out of mind, and everything came rushing back to me the moment I stepped foot off the plane in Texas.
Now I’m back where I started four years ago when I left.
Trying to mend the broken pieces of my shattered heart all over again.
So, while I don’t regret leaving, while I don’t regret meeting Dylan and Aspen and the moments I had with them, I regret not healing right alongside you like I should have in the first place.
So, I’m sorry. I know those two words are lame and you deserve more than them, but they are the only words my tired brain can function right now to say,” she said breaking down even more.
I laid down beside her and pulled her into my arms.
Tears soaked my shirt as she quietly sobbed. I tightened my hold around her, never wanting to let her go.
We might have hit a breaking point. We’d yet to talk about the other elephant in the room, but I felt a little freer than I’d felt in a long damn time.
She hiccupped and calmed herself down, taking the hand that wasn’t wound with mine and wiped the tears from her face.
Sensing she was done for the night, I started moving away from her, only to stop when she asked, “Can you lay with me until I fall asleep?”
I should have said no.
My chin met my chest, my eyes closed, and I took a few deep breaths.
I was barely holding on by a thread since our kiss outside. Lying beside her, feeling her body against mine would break me, but I didn’t listen to reason.
She slid over and turned to face the wall.
I moved in behind her, not sure if she wanted me close to her or not and laid as close to the edge of the bed as possible on my side facing her.
She slid to the center of the bed just like she used to, and I moved closer.
I wrapped my arm around her middle and pulled her against my chest, my head resting on the pillow just behind hers.
Her fingertips grazed the top of my hand in a back-and-forth motion. Goosebumps peppered my flesh from the slightest touch, my body knowing it was coming from her.
She shifted her head against the pillow to get comfortable and sighed.
“Goodnight, butterfly,” I whispered as I brushed my lips against her forehead.
“Night, cowboy,” she said with a yawn.
I withheld my laughter, but grinned at the nickname she’d called me since she saw me get on a horse for the first time.
Moments later, her breathing evened out. I waited just a beat longer, taking a deep breath, and the coconut scent from her shampoo filled my senses.
I had to leave. Had to escape the warmth of her body against mine. Had to escape the feel of her in my arms and how my heart felt like it had finally found its home again with her by my side.
Gently, I went to move from behind her, thinking I’d make a quick escape.
Only she grasped my hand in hers, keeping our fingers together.
Being this close to her, holding her in my arms all night, sounded like the perfect way to end the night, but I wasn’t sure my heart could handle it if I gave in and she decided to leave again.
“I feel safe in your arms with you next to me. I know I’m asking a lot, but you holdin’ me tight right now is just what I need.”
Her confession gutted me.
Letting out a sigh, I laid my head back on the pillow.
Feeling Ainsleigh in my arms at this moment could not feel more right.
And just for tonight, I’d relish the moment because she’d eventually be gone, and I’d have to deal with losing the love of my life all over again.