Chapter 20 – Ainsleigh
twenty
AINSLEIGH
The bonfire was just what I needed. Everything about this night made me remember why I’d missed home so much.
The ambiance of the fire, the laughter with people I loved and cared for, the jokes between my brothers and me.
Even seeing Gentry fitting in with my family caused feelings to arise that I'd wanted to ignore.
I was supposed to be mad at him. I should stay mad. It would be much easier, but seeing that smile on his face that I’d loved for so long on and the way he fit in almost too easily was so hard to not notice.
As much as I didn’t want the night to end, a yawn escaped and I couldn’t fight the tiredness.
I stood and stretched, then wrapped the blanket around my shoulders.
“You callin’ it a night, sis?” Leo asked.
“Yeah. I’m beat. Aspen, are you and Dylan coming up? You don’t have to if you’re having fun. I just can’t keep my eyes open.”
“I think we’ll stay a little longer. Maybe I can convince Leo to show me how to make another s’more. That first one was delicious.”
“Y’all have a good night. It was nice meeting you, Callie,” I said, covering my mouth to hide another yawn.
I’d just made my way up the stairs when I felt fingers curl around my wrist.
Gentry’s calloused hands sent shivers through my entire body, but I tried to hide my reaction to his touch as I turned to face him.
I gave him a questioning look with my eyebrows raised. I couldn’t seem to get the words out, but I also couldn’t pull away.
His touch was comforting.
His touch was familiar.
His touch was everything, and I didn’t know what I was going to do.
My heart broke for everything we’d lost.
It broke for everything that we could be right now.
It broke for just how much I still loved him but shouldn’t.
Last night shouldn’t have happened. But it did, and I couldn’t make myself regret it.
I needed to get settled back in, and get my father to agree to my plans.
Gentry couldn’t distract me from paving my own path.
“Can we talk for a minute?” he asked softly, a pleading look in his eyes.
That pleading look caused me to cave.
I used to always give in to him when he gave me that same look.
“Sure,” was all I could manage to say.
“Are you still mad at me for holding your hand and you havin’ to wear my clothes to breakfast?”
I looked away because I couldn’t think straight while he looked at me with hope and concern.
His concern along with his touch caused my heart to pound and reach for the person who owned it.
Gentry’s thumb gently caressed the inside of my wrist as he waited for me to respond.
I shifted back and forth on my feet, nervous about how I should react.
I wanted to keep him at arm’s length. I should thank him for his concern and go right up to my room like I’d planned. Even though the thought of sleeping in there gave me anxiety.
But I had to look up at him. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep pretending that I wanted distance between us.
Those plans went right out the window when I looked into his beautiful green eyes. I could get lost in the depth of his eyes. I had so many times when I was younger. And they still had the same effect on me no matter how much time had passed.
“Thank you for worrying about me. But as you can see, no one gave me too much of a hard time.” I had to keep it short and sweet or else I’d let out every thought in my mind.
I took a deep breath and held it.
Him being this close had all the warning bells going off in my head. They screamed at me to get away from him as fast as I could because my subconscious knew I couldn’t resist him.
I was a glutton for punishment because I did the opposite.
I closed the gap between us and leaned into him, resting my forehead on his shoulder.
Letting out the breath I was holding, I took another deep breath and inhaled his scent. He smelled of salt water and ash with a hint of chocolate.
Gentry wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against his chest. I couldn’t resist wrapping my arms around his waist and just taking in the feel of us together in this moment.
We needed to have the adult conversations that we should’ve had a long time ago.
I just needed to muster up the courage and have them with him.
But right now, I just wanted to relish the way it felt to be back in his arms. A place I'd secretly longed to be for the past four years.
Gentry pulled away, and it took every ounce of willpower to not close the distance between us.
“I’m sorry for keeping you from going to bed. Tonight was fun.”
“I had a great time, but I’m goin’ to call it a night. The sun drained me today,” I said, stifling a yawn.
“You want to come out and sleep in my room?”
How he could tell just what I needed, I didn’t know, but I was thankful.
“Thank you. I’ll go grab some clothes and meet you out there,” I said with a half-smile.
I didn’t want to lead him on because I still thought that we were bound to break each other’s hearts eventually, but I couldn’t make myself stay away from him.
I ran up the stairs and grabbed a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top along with a pair of shorts and a fitted tee and slipped on my flip flops before I darted out of my room to head to the barn.
“You’re off somewhere in quite the hurry,” my mom said from the other side of the kitchen, causing me to scream and throw everything I had in my arms in the air.
She chuckled as she took a sip of her nightly cup of tea. She stood leaning against the counter and watched as I picked up all my clothes. Damn woman. How she’d always managed to sneak up on every one of us, I’d never know.
“You scared me,” I said as I stood there with the armful of clothes.
“Obviously. Where are you off to, hmm?”
She knew that answer. She just wanted to hear me say it.
“I’m going to sleep out in the barn again. I just can’t sleep in here. In my room, I mean. And Gentry and I are going to talk.”
“We can move your things to a different room. I should’ve done that before you returned home.”
My lip trembled at her sincerity and sweet gesture, but I couldn’t have her going through all that trouble just for me to leave again.
“No, Mom. That’s too much trouble. I’ll get better at handling it. I just need some time. I’ll see you in the morning,” I replied, hoping she could see the emotion threatening to escape.
“Just be safe, if you know what I mean,” she said with a knowing grin.
“Mom,” I gasped as I turned and opened the door, walking out of the house before I could embarrass myself further.
Gentry had the shower running as I entered his room.
“The water is nice and hot for you. Just don’t use it all,” he joked.
“I’ll try not to.” I smirked as I took my clothes into the bathroom to shower.
After both of us showered, I sat on the bed and braided my hair as he got dressed.
I didn’t know how to broach the subject of sleeping in his room again, but it appeared that I was nervous for nothing because Gentry pulled out the air mattress and readied it for the night.
He plopped down on it and covered up, then turned to face me, propping his head up with his hand.
I laid on my side and faced him, tucking my hands under the pillow so I wouldn’t be tempted to reach out and touch him.
“My mom knows somethin’ is up with us,” I said, breaking the silence.
“What makes you say that?”
“I ran into her in the kitchen on my way out here. I didn’t see her there when I went inside, so I don’t know when she got in there. But she asked where I was going. After I told her I was coming out here, she told me to make sure we were being safe,” I explained.
“You know that’s like reverse psychology 101, right?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your mom likely doesn’t know what’s goin’ on, but how’d you react when she said that?”
“I gasped and said ‘Mom’ in a shocked voice, then scurried out of there as fast as I could,” I admitted.
“That’s all she needed to know. Your reaction told her everythin’ without you admittin’ to anythin’,” he explained.
Well, I’ll be. That was how she always knew things without us telling her first. She didn’t know them at all. We told on ourselves every time. Score one for Mom.
“Crap. She won’t say anything, though.” I hoped.
“Would it be so bad if she did?”
“I don’t know, Gentry. There’s still so much we need to talk about.
I don’t want to hurt you again.” That was my biggest fear.
I didn’t want him to take something out of context and see more than what there was developing between us.
If anything ever did. I just didn’t know how to explain everything I was feeling because I didn’t understand it myself half the time.
“Let’s hash it out here and now. I’ll start. Why don’t you love yourself?”
“Just starting out going for the jugular, huh?” I tried to make a joke, but my heart started to race at just admitting this out loud.
“I made a mess of everything when I up and left. I hated myself for a long time after I’d hurt everyone, especially you.
The agony of the pain I’d inflicted kept me up most nights.
But leaving here was the best thing for me at the time.
I was suffocating, and I never would have even started to heal if I’d have stayed.
The memories and constant reminders ate me alive more and more every day until I couldn’t take it anymore. ”
Saying all that out loud for the first time felt like the biggest relief and the scariest thing at the same time.
“I’ll admit, we were all mad when you left.
Your brothers were horrible to be around for months.
Your mom and dad just looked sad and worried.
I was angry too for the first year you were gone, but once I let go of that anger and tried to understand what made you leave and took myself out of the equation, I could forgive you.
I didn’t understand your reasons for leaving, but hearing them now, I was right in my thinking.
It was hard for me, losing you and her, but I knew you’d come back, and I held on to hope that when you came back you hadn’t moved on.
It’s what kept me sane and warm on the lonely nights, thinking of the future I wanted us to have. ”
I didn’t know how he was always so optimistic about everything, especially when there was no guarantee I’d return let alone not be with anyone. But I loved that he loved me enough to wait.
“You’re too good for me, Gentry Parkhurst,” I whispered through a yawn and closed my eyes. I couldn’t keep them open any longer.
“I’m just right for you, Ainsleigh Courtright. I’ll prove it to you until I take my last breath, if I have to,” he whispered just before I let sleep take me.