Chapter 23 – Ainsleigh
twenty-three
AINSLEIGH
On the drive back to the ranch, I mustered up the courage to pray. I wasn’t sure what to say, and I knew I’d be a bit rusty, but even if the right words didn’t come, He’d know.
Tears fell as I poured my heart out about all my inner turmoil and asked God for guidance.
As I was finished, I felt lighter. Freer than I had in a very long time.
A peace settled over me that hadn’t been there in four years.
I knew just what I had to do.
I was going to find a therapist. Continuing down the path of bottling up my emotions wasn’t healthy. I needed help with processing the loss of my daughter. And I wasn’t afraid to admit that now. I was ready to heal and move forward with my life.
I was also going to talk to Gentry. Really talk to him. Not placate him with answers that avoided any type of pain. I’d dig deep and lay it all on the line.
He didn’t have to comfort me when I returned home. He didn’t have to try to help me through our shared grief. He didn’t even have to be nice to me. His actions and reactions to my return left me puzzled because I felt like he should hate me. I hated myself.
I hated the person staring back in the mirror most days.
For hurting Gentry by leaving the way I did.
For hurting my family by not staying in Texas for college and not coming home on breaks and holidays.
I had a lot to make up for. But I was ready to put in the work.
I wanted to get closer to my brothers. I wanted to make memories with my parents who wouldn’t be here forever.
And the part of my heart that I pushed back in a box knew it found its home the moment I saw Gentry at that airport.
I was ready to fight for my life. For the dreams I secretly longed to make a reality.
I was tired of running away from those I loved.
Instead of running away, now I was running toward the future I envisioned for myself so long ago.
A breakthrough happened while talking with Holden, and I wasn’t going to waste a second of trying to right the wrongs that occurred by me leaving.
But first, I needed to unpack my belongings from Aspen and Dylan’s moving truck, and see them off.
I was ready to hold my head high and reclaim my place on the ranch, and maybe if I played my cards right I could reclaim the heart of the man I’d loved my whole life.
Once I got back to the house, I raced inside and up the stairs. It was still early and knowing Aspen and Dylan, they were still asleep.
Quietly, I opened the door to find Aspen still curled up in bed. I tiptoed over to the bed and sat down on the side of the bed.
“Time to get up, sleepyhead,” I whispered as I softly shook her shoulder.
She pulled the pillow from under her head and hit me with it in the face.
I giggled as I tossed the pillow to the side and shook her once more.
“Why must you wake me so early,” she grumbled as she reluctantly sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes.
“I’ve been up for a while. Now it’s time for you and Dylan to wake up. I’ve got something to tell y’all, and then I figured we could unpack the moving truck. I know y’all wanted to get an early start to the day.”
“Who’s going to wake up Dylan?” she huffed as she stretched and moved the hair out of her face.
“Not it,” I said as I moved across the bed and sat with my back against the wall.
“I should make you do it since this is your idea.” She laughed as she got off the bed and walked into the Jack and Jill bathroom.
I rang my hands together as I waited for them to return.
I breathed in for four, held it for seven, and blew out the breath for another eight.
You can do this.
I kept repeating that to myself until Aspen returned with a sleepy Dylan. They both sat on the bed, Aspen on one side, Dylan on the other.
I took one of their hands in each of mine.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I took another deep breath and began to tell them about the importance of today.
They knew I’d lost a daughter, but it helped to talk about the struggles of the day.
I told them all about the decision to get my tattoos, tattoos they’d never seen before.
Aspen moved first and pulled me into her arms. Dylan followed, hugging me from behind.
And it was there, in the embrace of my best friends that I finally began my journey to heal from the tragic loss of my little girl.
Aspen pulled back first, taking her thumbs and wiping away the tears on my face.
“You didn’t have to keep that part of yourself from either of us. But I understand why you did. From here on out, no more secrets. We’re your best friends. We want to be there for you. Always,” she replied. I nodded.
I had the best friends a girl could ask for.
Dylan remained quiet, his arms still wrapped around me from behind. When he pulled back, he stilled and I knew at that moment that he saw the tattoo on my shoulder.
“It looks so real,” he whispered.
I shivered when his fingertip traced the outline of her tiny handprint.
“I researched for the best tattoo artist near campus for that reason. I wanted it to look as realistic as possible. He did an amazing job. Better than I ever envisioned.”
“I’m so glad you finally showed us. We’ll always be there for you,” Dylan said.
I turned to face him and hugged him back. He was the softest, kindest person I’d ever met, and I hoped he never lost the best part about him.
“Thank you both for being here for me. It means more than you could ever possibly know,” I said, feeling ten times lighter than when I entered the room.
“How’s Gentry today?” Aspen asked as we all got up from the bed.
I wanted to go search for him, and Aspen knew me well enough to know I’d want to be there for him.
I went on to tell her how sweet he was this morning, and about our conversation.
“If y’all don’t mind, while you’re getting coffee and waking up fully, I need to go find Gentry. I can’t leave him alone today,” I told them.
“Of course. We understand. Go be there for him. Take as long as you need. We’ll get the boxes out of the truck. Where do you want us to put them?” Dylan asked.
“If you can put them in my room that’d be great. You sure you don’t mind?”
“We don’t mind at all. Go be there for Gentry,” Aspen reassured me as we left the room.
While I was sad that my friends were leaving, I was excited for the journey ahead.
My mom was in the kitchen when I entered, sitting at the bar, a cup of coffee in one hand and a puzzle book in the other.
My dad sat right beside her. Both enjoying the quiet Sunday morning.
I stopped and admired the two of them. Every couple of minutes, my dad would look over at the puzzle book to find my mom stumbled on a clue, and he’d whisper the answer to her.
A lightbulb would go off in her eyes as she jotted the answer into the squares.
They’d done this every Sunday my entire childhood.
I wanted a love that would stand the test of time.
I cleared my throat to let them know we were entering the room and walked over to the pot of freshly brewed coffee.
“Good morning,” I said with a smile as I pulled four to-go mugs from the cabinet and made Aspen, Dylan, Gentry, and I each a cup.
“Good morning, my beautiful girl,” my dad said as he walked over, kissing me on top of my head as he put his empty coffee mug in the sink. He walked back over and sat down next to my mom.
A smile graced my face as I finished making everyone’s coffee.
“What are you up to today?” my mom asked as she sat down her mug and puzzle book, her focus solely on me.
“Aspen and Dylan are leaving today to drive to Sunset River. They’re going to unpack my boxes from the truck while I try to find Gentry. Have either of you heard from him today?”
“He came in shortly before you came downstairs and said he was taking a walk,” my dad replied.
He would probably be out at the confession tree. I’d start there, and search the entire property if I had to. Nothing was going to stop me from being there for him today. The way I should’ve been there for him all along.
“Thanks, Daddy. I’m going to go find him. Thank you both for unpacking the boxes for me,” I said to Aspen and Dylan. They both nodded in understanding, and I set off with mine and Gentry’s coffees in hand.
Hurriedly, I walked the path to the confession tree, my sole focus on finding Gentry.
Thoughts of who our daughter would be today heavy on my mind.
As the tree came into view, I found Gentry pacing. I stopped and watched him, so much hurt and frustration evident as I watched him pull at his hair and walk back and forth.
I let out a sigh as I started toward him, his back to me as he paced.
When he turned on his heel, he looked from the ground and up in my direction, his steps faltered when he noticed me standing mere feet from him.
I hesitated to walk the rest of the way.
He looked at me, his brows furrowed as though he couldn’t believe I was standing there.
Shaking my head, I slowly walked toward him.
“I’m an idiot,” I said as I handed him his cup of coffee.
“Why do you say that?” he asked as he took the cup from my hand, and looked down at it before he took a sip.
I took the last few steps that separated us, and stood right in front of him, my eyes never leaving his as I confessed.
“Because you were the sweetest man this morning, and I ruined the moment with the way I worded my honesty. But I’m most sorry for leaving you to grieve alone,” I told him, taking a sip of my coffee.
“I…” he started but stopped. He shuffled his feet back and forth and then held his hand out toward the tree.
We both walked over to the tree and sat down with our legs crossed facing each other. We sat our coffees in the grass and I stared up at him.
“I miss her,” I admitted. My eyes grew glassy at my confession.
“I do too,” he said as he looked at the sky. His eyes blinked rapidly as he held back tears.
“She’d be four today,” I whispered, my throat clogged with emotion.
“I know. I can’t believe it’s been four years,” he said as the first tear fell.