Chapter 26 – Ainsleigh
twenty-six
AINSLEIGH
Ifelt him watching me last night when we were at the clubhouse. I wanted so badly to walk over to him, but something always stopped me.
My thoughts were all over the place. I couldn’t focus today, and that could be dangerous on the ranch.
My mind kept drifting to the endless possibilities at my disposal to make this ranch thrive.
When I wasn’t thinking about the ranch, my thoughts were of Gentry.
How much I wanted to tell him my plans. How much I wanted to admit my feelings for him.
I meant what I told Holden. I loved him.
God, did I love that man. But I didn’t know him anymore.
He didn’t know me. We’d both changed. We needed to have the hard conversation I’d put off.
I had to lay everything out on the line and see what his response was.
If anything, I wanted to be his friend. But I wanted more.
Admitting that in my mind gave me chills.
I clocked out for the day and made my way over to my secret place. I had to have this conversation before I chickened out.
The stable came into view, and I looked up at the window for the room above. No lights were on, but it was still light outside so he might not have turned them on.
My hands shook as I made my way up the stairs. I knocked on his door, but didn’t receive a response.
I was about to turn around and leave, but decided I’d just leave him a note that I wanted to speak with him.
The door was unlocked so I went in. The room was empty and the bathroom door was open. Gentry wasn’t here. My heart sank, but I trudged forward, hoping that there was paper and pen in his nightstand.
I sat on the bed and rifled inside the drawer, finding a familiar envelope.
Pulling it out, I sat there on the bed, my head down as I held the envelope in my hand. My hands shook harder as I opened it. I knew what the contents were. Inside were the words that I wrote to him all those years ago.
Opening the envelope, I pulled out the paper and carefully opened it.
Tears filled my eyes as I read the contents.
My dearest Gentry,
My heart is shattered, and I don’t know how to fix it.
I can’t be here. I can’t stand the whispers and the pity across everyone’s face.
I hate how people stop talking when I enter the room.
I hate how much I hate the place that shaped me.
Losing Bella broke me, and I don’t know how to fix the broken pieces.
The only solution I can think of is to leave.
Everywhere I turn, there are reminders of her, and my heart can’t take it.
I love you more than anything in this world, but I don’t have the courage to tell you that I’m leaving.
I can’t face seeing how much my leaving will break your heart.
I want you to know that I’m sorry for ending things with you this way.
I’m sorry I couldn’t keep her alive long enough where she’d be here with us now.
I know you’ll hate me for this, and I want you to know it’s okay.
Hate me. Because you’ll never hate me as much as I hate myself for breaking the one thing in this world I never wanted to break.
I want you to have the best life even though it won’t be with me.
Live your life to the fullest and find someone who can love you the way I’ll always love you.
You’ll always be my greatest love story and one I wished didn’t have to end.
All my love,
Ainsleigh
Reading this back to myself, I realized what a horrible person I was for leaving him. This whole letter was about me. My pain. My feelings. Even though I thought I was doing the best thing at the time, I could’ve handled my leaving so much better than just leaving him a one page letter.
I didn’t deserve someone like Gentry. Not after what I’d put him through. My need to talk with him grew with each passing second.
Pulling my phone out of my back pocket, I texted him that I wanted to meet at the confession tree. We could talk here, but I couldn’t break tradition. Everyone in my family always had meaningful conversations at that tree, and this might be the most meaningful one I'd have to date.
Can you meet me at the confession tree? I need to talk to you.
My stomach growled, but I ignored it. My need to talk to him was stronger than my need for food.
The message was delivered and then said read.
Three dots appeared on the screen and then disappeared.
My palms grew sweaty as I waited for him to respond.
Three dots appeared again and stayed.
Anxiety bloomed in my gut as I waited for his response.
My phone vibrated in my hand.
Gentry: On my way
I raced out of the room and toward the tree. I had to get everything off my chest no matter how much it hurt. I loved my cowboy, and hopefully after this conversation he’d tell me the same.
I ran the whole way. I leaned over and put my hands on my knees as I tried to slow my breathing.
The sound of the ATV caused me to jump and turn around quickly. I brought my hand to my eyes to ward off the setting sun.
Gentry pulled the ATV beside the tree, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. My heart raced at the sight of him and beat even faster at the words I was about to say.
He hopped off the ATV and walked over to me, standing in front of me and all the words I’d thought to say evaporated.
Gentry held out his hand and gestured for us to sit against the tree. Shaking my head, I broke my train of thought off how handsome he looked in his jeans and white Courtright Ranch T-shirt with a cowboy hat on his head.
We sat in front of the tree facing each other.
“You wanted to talk?”
He sounded worried as he looked at the ground and back up to me several times.
I grabbed the hand that toyed with the grass and rubbed my thumb across the top, trying to gather my thoughts, but also because I wanted to ease his pain. Sparks ignited in my fingertips the moment my hand grabbed his. I hoped that never changed.
“I’m sorry,” I began as I looked at him, but his gaze still lingered on the ground.
“For?”
He was making me work for it as he had every right.
“Do you have all night? Because it might take me that long to go over the list,” I said, a hint of nervous laughter in my tone as I tried to lighten the mood.
He didn’t laugh. He kept his gaze trained on the hand that toyed with the grass beneath our legs.
I wanted him to look at me. I needed him to look at me.
I gave a gentle squeeze to the hand he allowed me to hold.
Only then did he give me his eyes. Sadness was all I saw as he stared back at me waiting for me to get this conversation started.
“I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for leaving you.
I’m sorry for never coming back home on breaks.
I’m sorry for you grieving the loss of our daughter alone the past four years.
There’s so much I’m sorry for, but those are the top reasons.
I found the letter I left you in your nightstand, and it made me realize even more than I already had how selfish and heartless I was.
You never deserved any of that, Gentry. You deserved so much more than a selfish eighteen-year-old heartbroken me,” I hiccupped as the tears started.
I couldn’t mess this up. I had to get everything out in the open.
He went to speak, but I cut him off. I had to finish my train of thought or I never would.
“Ever since I’ve returned, you’ve been nothing but kind and supportive.
But I made everything about me, and you let me.
I hate myself for leaving you and hurting you the way I did.
You were never far from my mind the whole time I was away.
The longer I was gone, the harder it was to come back because I was scared you’d left without any trace.
I couldn’t think about returning to Haven Valley to find you gone.
What I never expected was finding you here once I returned.
I have no right to even ask you, but can you forgive me? ”
His eyes never left mine the whole time I spoke. Tears flowed freely down his face as I waited with bated breath for him to respond.
“I was angry at you for leaving. I hated that you couldn’t heal while you were here.
I hated that I had no one here with me anymore.
I was in such a limbo until your dad found me and offered me a place here.
It took me a long time to heal from losing our baby girl.
It’s still hard if I’m honest. But I never healed from losing you.
I forgave you a long time ago, but my heart never moved on from you, Ainsleigh Courtright. ”
His confession caused my heart to pound. He still loved me after all this time.
“But, Ainsleigh, you need to heal from our loss. What you’re doing and how you’ve been dealing isn’t healing.”
“I know,” I managed to say as my lip trembled.
Even after I’d hurt him, he still put me first.
“I made a therapy appointment today. They could fit me in, in a couple of weeks. I had a long conversation with Holden the other day. I made some decisions after that conversation.”
Here went nothing. I had no idea how he’d react to hearing that I planned to stay.
“What decisions?” He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, his teeth clamped down as he waited for me to respond.
“I need to go back to therapy and give it my all. The way I’ve handled Bella’s death isn’t healthy, and I want to be the best version of myself.”
Talking with him like this also helped heal another part of me that I didn’t know needed healing.
We’d always been able to have long conversations or be in complete silence with each other.
Getting this out in the open felt like I finally could move forward in my life instead of living in fight or flight mode like I had been the past four years.
“Anything else?”
Here went nothing.