Chapter Ten #3
“Good.” She twisted sideways to glance at the filling coffee pot. Colt frowned. Good? “Because at the end of the day, he and I are still friends and you and I are still together, and I can see wanting to have you with me when I socialize.”
Shit. He fought down a cringe. If that’s what she wanted, he’d suck it up, every soul-shriveling second of being together with her and the man who hated him, the man she loved.
Or worse, having every second of being forced into Tick’s company because he was involved with Holly carved into him.
For a guy who hated messy situations, he sure managed to get himself into them often enough.
And this one was messy, even with the beautiful purity of her standing barefoot in his kitchen wearing nothing but his shirt — because she’d give him her body if he asked, while he was pretty sure she couldn’t give him her heart yet.
He didn’t want one without the other. Sex was fine, yeah, and he’d done the whole thing without being in love. She was different, though, the way he felt about her was different, and he couldn’t put himself out there like that without being sure.
Because if he did and she changed her mind about him, he’d have to live with it, memories and hurt and all. Any woman before changing her mind about him was one thing. Holly changing her mind about him once he let himself be all in? That would take him out at the knees.
“That looks like deep thought.” She turned to pour coffee into one of his mugs, glazed the same shifting tones as the blue hole behind the cabin.
“Yeah.” He scuffed a hand over the tight muscles in his nape. Man, if he could go back, change his path, change himself . . . he just wanted to be normal, not so damaged and fucked up all the time. Living like that exhausted him some days.
Hands cupped around the handmade pottery, she padded to stand before him. Steam curled above the rim, laden with rich aroma, and she took a cautious sip before passing the coffee into his hold. “Want to share?”
She didn’t mean the coffee now heating his palm. With her clear gaze on his face, he straightened from the door frame. “I can’t sleep with you until I know you’re over him.”
Tucking her tousled bangs to one side, she gave a slow nod. “So you were serious about the couch.”
Irritation spurted through him. “You know what I mean, Holly.”
“You said you didn’t want to be a substitute or a rebound, and you’re not.” She narrowed her eyes, chin lifted to a familiar, challenging level. “Working at getting over him doesn’t mean I can’t be committed to what we have between us.”
“Did you hear what you just said?” Scowling, he spread his hands, careful of the nearly full mug. Last thing he needed was to splash hot coffee over both of them. “Working at getting over him.”
“You don’t want me to work at it?” One perfect brow bent into a high arc. “Or be honest with you about my feelings?”
He didn’t want to think about her loving Barlow or coming in as a second-best choice to the guy. Was she having to work at her feelings for Colt himself? The idea drew his belly tight, knotting him up. “I don’t want to fight with you about this.”
“This is not a fight.” She spun to return to the coffeemaker with a light step. Dark rich liquid made a river of sound into another blue mug. “This is a discussion about our current emotions and healthy ways for us to work through heavy stuff as a couple.”
“Nice play with semantics there.” A sip of coffee did nothing to soothe his painful throat. The interplay sure as hell felt like a fight, with his heart thudding against his chest wall like it wanted to escape the conversation.
“You and I both know life isn’t always easy.
We’re easy.” She gestured between them, then leaned on the cabinet again, lifting her mug for a deep inhale, lashes dusting her cheeks.
A pleased smile flitted over her face before her expression went stern again.
“Mostly. And I like that. I realize you’re a little stunted when it comes to the whole processing emotional conflict thing, but–”
“Excuse me?” His spine couldn’t go any straighter. “Stunted?”
She relaxed into the cedar butcherblock of his countertop. “When was the last time you went to Sunday school?”
Lips parted, he stared at her a second. He pointed then let his finger fall. “That has nothing to do with this.”
“That has everything to do with this.” That eye roll made him itch. “If Tick shows up on one of your regular golf Saturdays with Gene, do you go?”
“No.” He had to shove the rough syllable past his lips.
“If he’s here, you avoid events where you might run into him.”
He closed his eyes. “Holly.”
“And you tell yourself it’s about being respectful of him, and on some level it is, but really, Colt?” Her voice gentled. “We both know it’s about protecting yourself, too.”
“What do you want me to do?” Hands spread again, he lifted his lids to glare. “I’m not forcing anything on him, not after what I did.”
“No, you’re not, and that speaks to how much you still care for him, for the level of remorse you feel.” Her expression softened, her gaze steady and easy on his face. “But, Colton, you can’t bury yourself because of–”
“Holly.” He injected a heavy warning into her name. He reached sideways to set his mug down with a sharp thunk because, damn it, his hands shook.
“Colt, I know what that night cost you, both of you.” Her shoulders lifted and fell, her blue eyes fixed on him. “But you’ve given that night a lot of your life, too, and I hate that.”
“I have a life.” He pitched his voice quiet and even. “Maybe it’s not everything I thought it would be, but it’s not awful. Recently, it’s gotten a whole lot better.”
She smiled.
“I process my emotions just fine.” He rested his shoulder against the doorframe again. “I know what I need and how to tell you that. Right now, I need to hold off with us being intimate.”
“Okay.” Her reply emerged soft and breathless. “But just for right now.”
Just until I know you love me.
He swallowed the words. They held a lot to unpack, an underlying subtext he wasn’t ready to look at quite yet.
“Yeah.” He let his gaze rove over her, everything he’d ever wanted and been afraid to let himself have. Hell, he was still afraid to step all the way in. “Just for right now.”