Chapter 3 - Grayden
THREE
Grayden
People who’ve experienced something traumatic, something life-changing, often talk about how their existence breaks down into before and after.
The years, minutes, even seconds before everything changed. And then, picking up the pieces and trying to understand. To move on, as much as that was possible.
That dichotomy made perfect sense to me. The entire timeline of my life broke down into the time before my sentence to the United States Disciplinary Barracks at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, and the five years since my release.
Of course, there were also the years in between. The ten years I’d been incarcerated, serving my sentence. Wondering how everything had gone so wrong.
The black hole at the center of my life story, big enough to swallow every bit of light, everything good, if I let it.
But I wasn’t there anymore. I was in the after. Standing outside my sister’s new house in my hometown of Silver Ridge, Colorado, wondering what in the hell I was doing.
Grace’s porch light was off. Voices, laughter, and light came from inside, but out here, it was still dark and deathly quiet.
Before. After.
Here goes nothing, I thought, and reached out to press the doorbell.
The chime rang out inside. I retreated to the porch steps.
Then I turned my face up to the night sky, feeling the bite of the cold against my skin. Snowflakes drifted lazily in the air and brushed my face, while my heart beat out a contrasting chaotic rhythm.
I hadn’t been this nervous about anything in a long, long time. This was probably stupid, but here I was, doing it anyway.
Story of my damn life.
For a moment, nothing happened. I wondered if they’d even heard the bell. Then there were footsteps, the porch light switched on, and the door opened.
A breath got stuck halfway in my throat.
Callum stood there. My little brother. I’d spoken to him over video several times over the last few months, but seeing him in person was completely different. He certainly wasn’t expecting me to show up tonight.
My inhale went stale in my chest as I watched his face change, going from calm to recognition and then surprise. Was that bad surprise? Good surprise?
Hell, the suspense was killing me.
“Grayden?” he finally said.
“Hey.” My voice came out rough. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Hey, Callum. It’s me.”
All these years I’d had to imagine this meeting, and those words were the best I could come up with? Fuck, I was shaking. I would’ve had my hat in my hands too, except I’d left my beanie in the truck.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” I added.
A huge grin broke over Callum’s face. “Holy shit. You’re here? I thought you were still in Seattle. I can’t believe it.” He opened his arms. “Get over here and give me a hug, man. This is crazy.”
Oh, thank fuck. He was happy to see me.
I stepped forward, my own arms opening. And then we were embracing tightly, my arms wrapped around my brother. Deep relief flooded through me.
I’d known it was a big risk showing up here this way, but a hug from Callum made it all worth it.
Then a happy scream came from the doorway, and a petite figure streaked across the porch toward me in a blur, jumping into my arms. I caught my sister, laughing as I held on tight.
“Gracie. God, I’m glad to see you.” I buried my face against her hair for just a second, fighting to keep my composure.
Fifteen years.
All those years I’d missed, all the moments I’d thrown away—even if I’d never meant things to turn out the way they had—and somehow she was still willing to hug me like this.
“How did you get here?” Grace asked. “When? Why didn’t you say you were coming?”
“When did you get to town?” Callum asked at the same time.
“Um, it was kind of spur of the moment. Relatively speaking.” I set Grace on her feet. She was taller than I remembered, but still didn’t reach my shoulder. “I wasn’t even sure I’d make it to Silver Ridge in time for the holiday.”
I’d also needed to get out of Seattle on short notice, and calling my siblings had seemed like something I could worry about later. Or maybe I’d just been worried they would tell me not to come.
The last time I’d shown up suddenly in Silver Ridge, not too long after my release from Leavenworth, Callum had told me to get lost and never contact any of them again.
But last year, Grace got in touch with me out of the blue.
Biggest shock of my life, and one of the best things that ever happened to me. Knowing she still cared.
Then Callum had agreed to talk to me too. Apologized for telling me to stay away.
We’d talked some things through since then, though certainly not everything. There was so much Grace and Callum didn’t know, and I wasn’t sure if it would make me look better or worse in their eyes if I confessed the whole story.
But our brother Ashford was the biggest if of all. I had no idea how Ashford would react to seeing me again. He’d refused to even have a phone call with me so far. But I was hoping for the best.
Hope, like stupidity, was infinite.
“This is a surprise.” Grace’s boyfriend Dane stepped outside, holding a coat for her. He draped it around her shoulders, then extended his hand to me.
“I’m just glad to be here. Good to meet you in person.” I shook Dane’s hand, and he put an arm around Grace’s waist.
“Same.”
I kept marveling at my baby sister. “How did you get so grown-up and beautiful, kid?”
“You saw me on video a few weeks ago,” she said, laughing and crying at the same time.
“But this is real life. Trust me, it’s nowhere near the same.” I knew firsthand that pictures and videos were pale copies when it came to the people we loved.
For maybe a solid minute, I just smiled at them. Taking my time and soaking it in.
Callum’s girlfriend, Zandra, came out to the porch next, and I waved hello. I recognized her from calls with Callum. She shocked me by rushing over and giving me a hug too.
“Welcome back,” she said.
“Thanks, Zandra. That means a lot.”
I noticed a tall blond hesitating just inside the house, arms crossed over her sweater with a curious frown on her face. One of my siblings’ friends, maybe?
Then she stepped outside. My gaze lingered on her stunning features. And I was the jerk staring at her when I should be focused on my siblings.
As I turned back to Grace and Callum, a tidal wave of guilt tried to pull me under. God, so much had gotten messed up. If I got to thinking too much about all the years we’d lost because of the choices I’d made, it would crush me. It had crushed me in the past.
My chest tightened and my eyes burned with everything going through my head. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I know this is a lot.”
Grace hugged me again, head resting on my arm. “Why are you sorry? This is amazing. You’re welcome here, okay? Always.” She gripped my hand. “Whatever else has happened, you’re our brother. It’s Thanksgiving. We’re supposed to be together at Thanksgiving.”
“If he comes in here, I’m leaving,” a low voice said. “And I’m taking Emma and Maisie with me.”
Ashford stood in the doorway with the light of the house behind him. Seeing my younger brother was like looking at a mirror of my past self. I’d probably worn a scowl that intense, back in the days when I wanted to rage at the world.
Who was I kidding? I still wore that same scowl more often than not.
“Hello, Ashford,” I said softly.
He stepped onto the porch, shutting the front door behind him. “Grayden, what the fuck are you doing here?”
I flinched like he’d thrown a punch, not just some strong words. I’d known this would be the hardest part. Had I expected a different reception from him tonight? Not realistically.
“I just wanted to see you all. Figured this was an efficient way to do it. If a bit dramatic, I’ll admit.”
“Well, I don’t want you here.” Ashford’s voice was hard. “Not around my family. Not around Maisie. She doesn’t even know you exist.”
I breathed through each new blow, just absorbing them all. Anything Ashford could say wasn’t half of the hate I’d thrown at myself in the past. I didn’t blame him.
“Don’t do this, Ashford,” Grace murmured, trying to stand in front of me, and I was glad when Dane wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her back.
“No, I understand,” I said, keeping my voice calm even though my heart was pounding. “I know I don’t have any right to just show up like this. But Ashford, I’m trying to make things right. I want to be part of this family again.”
“Not gonna happen.”
“If we could just talk—” I stepped toward him, reaching out.
Ashford shoved my hand away. “Don’t touch me.”
Grace gasped, and Callum put his palms out. “Hey, come on,” Callum said. “Let’s just take a breath.”
Ashford’s eyes never left mine. A surge of anger rose instinctively in me, making my pulse thrum. An involuntary reaction. I breathed through the feeling.
I couldn’t get angry at my brother. I was a better man than that. Now, anyway.
“You don’t belong here,” Ashford said. “You made your choices, and now you have to live with them.”
“That’s not fair,” Grace said, her voice shaking. “He’s still our brother.”
“He stopped being my brother a long time ago.”
The words cut deep. I’d expected this, known it was coming, but hearing it out loud still felt like something vital was being torn out of my chest.
“Ashford, please.” Grace’s eyes were bright with tears. “It’s Thanksgiving.”
“Then he should have called ahead instead of ambushing us. That way, I would’ve known not to come.” Ashford stormed back into the house.
“I’ll talk to him,” Grace said, and followed. Callum murmured something to Zandra, who went in along with the tall blond.
I blinked at the wooden slats of the porch. Fuck. What a fucking mess, and I was at the center of it. But since when was that a new position for me? Infinite hope, infinite stupidity.
“I apologize for bringing this to your house,” I said to Dane, who’d remained outside with Callum. “Hoped he would react better. I figured I was pushing my luck, but…yeah. I know Ashford’s a close friend of yours. You must care about his opinion.”
“And Grace is the woman I love. If she wants you here, then that counts even more.” Dane was the same in person as he was on video. His confident demeanor hadn’t faltered for a second. “Ashford and I always work things out. I’m more concerned about Grace right now.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again, though the words felt weak and inadequate.
Callum shifted with his hands in his pockets. The night air had gotten chillier, and his breath puffed in front of him when he spoke.
“Maybe we should let things calm down for tonight,” Callum said. “You can try again with Ashford later. Another time.”
Dane nodded his agreement.
“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “The last thing I want is to cause a fight between the rest of you. Or upset Ashford’s wife or daughter. I’m just grateful I got to see you in real life.”
Dane shook my hand again. Callum pulled me into another hug.
“Tell Grace I love her,” I said when we pulled apart.
“Where are you staying?” Callum asked.
“Not sure yet.”
He cursed, indecision written across his face. “Want to stay with me and Z? We’re happy to have you.”
“Nah, that’s not necessary. I can find a motel.”
“Dammit, I don’t feel right about this. We’ve barely gotten to see you. I should go with you. Grace will probably try to chase you down when she realizes you’ve left.”
“Callum, I am fine. I promise. I’m tired after the drive. I’ll see you all again soon.” Whoever was willing, anyway.
“You won’t leave town, right? You’re sticking around?”
I smiled and clapped his shoulder. “Drove a hell of a long way to get here, so I’m definitely sticking around. Don’t worry about me. Tell Ashford I’ll be here when he’s ready to talk.”
If he was ever ready to talk.
“I love you, Cal,” I added. Something I was sure to say every time I spoke to my brother or sister. Just trying to make up for the years that I couldn’t.
“Love you too, brother.”
I kept my chin up as I walked back to my truck. I’d gotten to hug Grace and Callum. I’d seen my family, even if only for a few minutes. That should have been enough.
But as I climbed into the driver’s seat and the dome light faded, leaving me in darkness, all I could think about was Ashford’s face. His absolute certainty that he was better off without me.
That had been one of the most humbling experiences of my life, and hell, I’d had more than enough of those.
Maybe Ashford was right. Maybe I’d broken us too badly to ever put the pieces back together.
I sat there in the cold truck, watching snowflakes gather on the windshield. Then I started the engine and drove away.