Chapter 29
“Oh thank god,” I mumble as I open the door, letting both Violette and Scottie in. I’m bouncing Bea in one arm, keeping my four-month-old moving. She’s cranky tonight and doesn’t want to be put down. Hollie says a quiet hello and then beelines for Penny’s room. Over Scottie’s shoulder as she stops on the patio, I spot Dalton in the front yard playing catch with Xander, and when Cal and Rowan step into the middle of the yard, Dalton’s face lights up like Rockefeller Center at Christmas. That barbed wire guarded, concrete slab fortress built around my heart crumbles a little more. Dammit I’m so screwed.
Scottie looks over her shoulder at what’s caught my attention, then turns back and grins widely. “Oh, so you’ve got it bad - bad, huh?”
“ Shut up! ” I whisper hiss, shooing them both inside so I can close the door. I lean against the door, my body sagging, Bea facing outward where I have her clutched to my chest. They both laugh their asses off at me, and I try to give them my best glare, but I know it falls flat. “ Bad-bad isn’t even close. This is catastrophic. It’s a calamity. A disaster in the form of one sexy as hell neighbor slash my older brother’s boss and best friend. What is wrong with me? ”
“...Ummm…I brought wine!” Vi giggles, holding up not one, but two bottles of wine by the necks like she’s showing off a prize fish catch. I can’t help but laugh at her attempt to curb my rising panic.
We make our way into the kitchen, where Violette makes herself at home by uncorking the first bottle of wine while I grab down two stemless wine glasses and a crystal tumbler for Scottie’s whisky. She’s not really a wine-girl, but she humors Vi and I during these girls’ nights that I so desperately need. They’ve become a weekly ritual and I live for these few hours of adult girl time, even if that means we’re still fielding a barrage of Moms! from all directions and I’m sporting an ornery infant as a body accessory.
“Okay, so please explain to me— in extreme detail —why that absolute moony expression on your face is such a calamity. Because from where I’m sitting, it looks like a damn good problem to have—” Scottie chuckles, pouring herself out a couple inches of the whisky she brought and taking a sip, “—and I know that that hunk of man out there gets the same dopey look whenever he talks about you.”
I’m swaying in one spot, twisting my body this way and that to keep Bea moving. She’s tired but won’t go down for her nap, and she’s been a terror all day because of it. I almost cancelled on the girls tonight—because who wants to listen to a fussy baby while hanging out with your friends—but I’d needed them too badly. I have to talk this thing with Xander out or I’m liable to combust.
Vi reaches for Bea and I sag with relief at the momentary reprieve. “Thank you,” I whisper, taking a drink of my wine while I have two free hands.
“Okay, so I’m still waiting for this explanation,” Scottie grumbles, pulling herself up to sit cross legged on top of my counter.
“I’m a single mom.”
“ You are?! ” she exclaims, feigning shock. I roll my eyes at her and she laughs. Pointing out the window, she mutters, “Doesn’t seem to be an issue anymore. Next.”
“I’m a widow. It hasn’t even been a year since my husband died,” I say, taking another gulp of my wine. Liquid courage.
“There’s no timeline on grief or how you choose to live your life,” Scottie counters. “And if anyone has a problem with that, send them my way.”
Violette nods, swaying with Bea cradled in both of her arms. “Healing isn’t linear, Teddy. There will be good days and there will still be really hard days, too. He seems to want to be here for both.”
“He’s a hotshot,” I whisper, letting my shoulders sag a little more.
Scottie and Vi look at each other and then back to me. “Yeah? And? So are Cal and Rowan.”
I wave my hand between them and sigh sadly. “But you’re both so much stronger than I am. How do you do it? How do you let them leave knowing they’re walking into a wildfire ? I mean I know Cal has been a hotshot for as long as I can remember, like since I was a teenager, but it’s… I don’t know. This feels different . The worry I feel for Cal is so vastly different than the worry that I feel for Xander, now…” I glance between them, my shoulders sagging. “Doesn’t that terrify you?”
“Of course it does,” Vi says softly, still rocking with Bea. “And the fear you have for Cal is going to be different than the kind you feel for Xander.” She shrugs. “I used to worry about my dad every time he was gone. I would do obsessive things when he would leave; eat his favorite dinner the first night he was gone, place his slippers in a certain spot beside his bed. He always came home. ”
I nod, taking a deep breath.
“When Jacob joined the crew, I did the same things. And then he died,” she continues softly, still swaying with Bea. She looks down at my daughter, then presses her cheek to the top of Bea’s head. Raising her eyes to mine, she says quietly, “I realized we never really have control over what happens. We just have to appreciate the moments we have and hope they walk back through that door to us. I have to believe that Rowan is always going to come back. I can’t let myself think otherwise or I would be a mess.”
Tears sting my eyes. Dammit. “But I already am a mess and we’re not even a thing yet,” I whisper miserably. “I already lost the love of my life and it nearly killed me. I don’t want to do that again. What if I can’t handle it? What if I’m not strong enough?”
“Just so you know,” Vi says, bouncing Bea in her arms still, “you are without a doubt the strongest woman I know. You lost your husband; you had a baby— an emergency home birth with no medication , mind you—and you’re raising three amazing kids. You’re doing it by yourself and you’re fucking killing it, Teddy. You’re like an OG badass.”
I laugh, then swipe at the tears that have pooled in my eyes and are threatening to spill down my cheeks.
“Teddy, if I told your brother to quit, he would turn in his resignation today, but fighting fire is what makes him feel alive, and taking that away from him would be losing a part of who he is. And maybe it’s because I haven’t lost like you have, but… I couldn’t do that to him. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to quit to make me happy,” Scottie says gently. I take a shuddering breath in and blink away more tears. “Cal’s smart, I trust him to come home to me when he’s done. Therapy helps. Actually, we’re both in therapy for different reasons. It doesn’t always make it easier, but you’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t have an outlet. Weren’t you doing grief counseling before you had Bea?”
I nod while Vi bounces Bea gently. “Yes, I was, but it’s so exhausting trying to find a babysitter for the kids so I can drive over. I mean it’s not that far, but it’s a solid two, two-and-a-half-hour venture having to drive back to Cedar Valley?—"
“ Moooom! ” Penny screeches as she and Hollie come barreling out of her bedroom. Her loud shriek sends Bea into a fit, crying loudly, so I take her from Vi and try to soothe her, rocking her close. Her little face is scrunched up. She’s so tired, if only she would go down for her nap.
“Penny,” I sigh, looking down at my four-year-old, her brown eyes wide. “I know I’ve asked you not to scream like that, especially in the house?—"
The front door opens and I glance over as Xander steps inside, his intense gaze zeroing in on me and Bea, and the contrite looking Penny standing in front of me. He steps over toward me, his eyes slicing over to the other two women, nodding in acknowledgment.
Dropping into a crouch in front of Penny, he turns her toward him, then winks over at Hollie, too. “Why don’t you girls come outside with us? We’re playing catch with Dalton, and I think it would be even more fun if you two came out to play with us, too. I’m sure Uncle Cal would love to have you come outside. What do you think?”
Penny is jumping in place, excitement leaving her body through wiggles. “Let’s go Hollie!”
“Shoes!” I call to her as she and Hollie race for the door. They slip their shoes on and race out the door, leaving Xander in their dust. Through the door we can see Hollie as she crashes into Rowan’s legs, and then he sweeps her up into the air over his head, making her laugh out loud.
I’m still bouncing Bea in my arms as Xander pushes his hands on his knees to stand, rising until he stands directly in front of me and I’m forced to look up into his face. I can feel Vi and Scottie’s eyes on us and I blush hard.
“Let me help you, Mama,” he murmurs quietly, reaching for my squalling infant. My eyes bounce between his before I nod and let him take her from me.
There’s something about this man that causes the women in my family to just swoon over him, and my four-month-old isn’t immune to his charms either apparently, as she stops fussing almost immediately. She nuzzles into his chest, his large hands looking even more impressive spanned across my infant's back and cupping her diapered bottom. She yawns broadly and I can’t help the half-hearted scowl that I send her way, the little traitor.
“Ooooh, Xander has the magic baby touch,” Vi teases from where she’s standing at the counter, her glass of wine suspended in one hand. She winks.
He rubs Bea’s back soothingly, his bearded jaw resting against the top of her head as he stares down at me, those eyes of his so hot I feel like I’m overheating from the inside out. My belly does flip flops and cartwheels and handstands. Those butterflies in my stomach have a whole ass gymnastics routine, it seems.
Then, surprising me even further, he dips his head and presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth. I forget how to breathe normally.
“I’ve got her, Mama,” he whispers against my skin, making me shiver, before he leans away and addresses Scottie and Violette. “We’ll be outside. Enjoy your wine, ladies.”
And then he’s heading back out the front door, closing it behind him. We can hear the kids laughing and playing and the deeper timbre of the men’s voices through the opened windows.
“Dear lord, did your ovaries just explode? Because that was like top tier level dad-hotness,” Vi laughs, fanning herself. I blush scarlet and cover my cheeks with my palms. “ Good for Xander .”
I laugh out loud, stunned and embarrassed and possibly a little manic. “You guys. I can’t with this man. ”
“I see what you mean when he calls you ‘mama’. That’s hot ,” Vi says and winks again. Scottie laughs.
“Ugh, it just does something to me,” I whine, using my hands to gesture to my middle-ish area, “—down here.”
“That would be your ovaries saying ‘come to mama’ ,” Violette sing-songs on a laugh as she does a little shimmy-shake, and I can’t help the awkward as hell snorting laugh that escapes me. Good god the things these women say.
“Oh god, no,” I laugh, shaking my head and waving my hands across my body in a giant X. “Absolutely not. I’m barely four months postpartum from my last baby. And that’s skipping like, a hundred steps, Vi. We haven’t even had sex.”
“But you want to.”
I glare over at Scottie, who is still perched on the countertop, grinning as she swirls the whisky in her glass. I groan and let my head fall back so that I’m staring at the ceiling before I nod pathetically. “God, so bad.”
“Get some, Mama,” Scottie chuckles, winking. “I’ll even make sure to distract Cal?—”
“Oh god, stop,” I moan, clapping my hands over my ears. “I don’t want to hear about any of the kinky shit you do with my brother.”
Scottie laughs out loud, her eyes twinkling with mischief. “It’s no fun if it’s not kinky.”
I groan, dropping my head back to stare at the ceiling again. “I need more wine for this conversation.”
Vi holds up the bottle with a wide grin. “You know Daddy-Xander has got some kinks hidden up those sleeves of his. I can’t wait to hear about it.”
“What sleeves?” Scottie chortles, tipping back her whisky before pouring out another couple inches. “He’s always in cutoff shirts. He has nowhere to hide those kinks. I’ll bet he’s—” she ticks off on her fingers, “—gonna be dominant, but like a soft dom . You’re kinda sweet, so he’s not gonna want to scare you off, but watch out, because it’ll be coming. You’re going to come so many times you can’t breathe. He’s an ass man, so you’ve got that going for you?—”
I choke on a drink of my wine, spluttering on a half laugh, half cough. “I can’t— the what —wait— What makes you say he’s an ass man?”
She stares at me like I’m an idiot and points out the window to where the men are, muttering, “The man can barely tear his eyes off your ass whenever you’re around, my dear sis. That man is obsessed with your fanny.”
“And her boobs,” Vi laughs, nodding at my chest. I’m blushing ten shades of red. “Don’t forget her boobs. I already told you once, I’d motorboat the shit out of your tits.”
“I cannot handle you guys,” I laugh, shaking my head again. “But at least we’re done talking about Scottie and Cal’s sex life.”
“Oh no, we’re circling back to that,” Vi giggles, waggling her eyebrows. “I want to know the kinky stuff. Just in case Rowan doesn’t know a new trick. Not that he is short on any number of kinky tricks—” she whispers, grinning, making me laugh and roll my eyes again. “But I’m always down to try new things.”
Scottie laughs and glances out the window. “Vi, don’t look now, but your man has the tiny human.”
Violette moves closer to the window and groans, her body going soft. I peek over Vi’s shoulder to see that Rowan is taking a turn holding Bea, who seems to be fast asleep. He’s holding her in a football hold in one arm, but he’s gazing down at her adoringly.
“Gahh, why is that so hot?” Vi whispers on a moan. “He looks good with a baby, dammit.”
He must notice us staring out the window, because his gaze lifts from Bea’s face to the window. When he sees Violette, he grins, holding Bea a little closer. Pointing down to the baby asleep in his arm, he then points to himself, and then at Violette. Then the guy winks .
“Yup, that man is so getting me pregnant,” Violette mutters almost wistfully. I laugh out loud.
“Better you than me,” Scottie chuckles, taking another drink of her whisky.
“You don’t want kids?” I ask, glancing over at her.
“Uhh, no,” she laughs, shaking her head. “For various reasons, I don’t think we’ll be having kids. And baby poop makes my eggs schloop right back up my fallopian tubes.” She shudders violently and both Vi and I laugh so hard I’m wheezing. I have to agree with her on that one. “I’m perfectly fine staying the awesomely cool Aunt Scottie.”
I walk over and hug her hard. “I’m so glad my kids have you as their awesomely cool Aunt Scottie. And baby poop is the worst.”
“How did we go from talking about orgasms to baby poop?” Scottie asks, leaning back.
“Isn’t this how all friends’ conversations go?” Vi teases, and I grin.
God, I needed this. I slip one arm around Scottie and the other around Violette, hugging them both at the same time. “I love you, crazies. Thanks for being my squad.”
“You’re stuck with us,” Scottie says, and I smile. Thank God for small miracles.