FALLEN
“Thank you for choosing AT it was bad enough he was on my mind most of the time now here he was in my face.
“Can I help you sir?” Ms. Georgia asked.
I attempted to walk to the back to get my stuff, but I didn’t get far before Jamar’s hands were grabbing my hip and elbow.
“What Jamar?” I snatched away from him.
“I need to talk to you.”
“No, you want to talk to me, and I really don’t care to hear anything you got to say.” I avoided his dark brown eyes.
“Damn, it’s like that?” he almost seemed shocked at my reaction to him.
“You damn right it’s like that!” I hissed.
I exhaled loudly feeling the eyes of a few people in the store watching our exchange. I couldn’t let this lying ass nigga get me out of pocket, especially while I was at work. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I willed myself to calm down.
“Look, it’s cool. I’m fine and I don’t want to talk, so just leave it at that. Congratulations on your daughter, please leave me alone.” I told him before going to the back to get my purse and coat so I could leave.
When I made it to my car, Jamar was propped against it waiting for me.
“I should have known it wouldn’t have been that easy to get rid of you.” I rolled my eyes as I adjusted my keys in my hand.
“Hell nah, you walking around with this fucked up attitude and for what?” he frowned pushing away from my car.
“I’m at work and even if I wanted to talk to you, here ain’t the place.” I folded my arms across my chest.
“Cool, I’ll meet you at yo house then.”
“Nah, I’m cool on you being in my house again. We can meet somewhere public.”
He laughed and stepped into my personal space, so I stepped away from him which made his laugh deepen.
“Ain’t shit funny.”
“You funny, nigga. You working hard to stay mad at me, huh?” his arms held the bottom of my shirt holding me in place as his face neared mine.
My heart was racing in anticipation of his lips pressing against mine and I was shocked when he didn’t kiss me but pressed his forehead against mine. “I miss you too.”
“What?” I snatched away from him quickly.
He was right, I missed the hell out of him.
Our friendship had affected me more than I wanted to admit.
Jamar wasn’t what I expected when I first met him, sure he was a dog like most niggas, but I felt like he got me.
I felt like he understood me and accepted me, flaws and all, I didn’t have to be something or someone I wasn’t, I could relax.
“Fallen, stop trying to be hard, we both know what it is.”
“See, that’s the problem, you know what it is, but I don’t know shit. I shouldn’t have to hear from your baby mama that she exists, that’s information you should have shared.” I called him out.
“You’re right and I’m sorry that shit happened, I should have been the one to tell you about my daughter.” He admitted.
I nodded my head and didn’t respond. “Aight, so we good now, right?” he eyed.
“We’re good.” I shrugged moving towards my car now that he wasn’t blocking my path.
“So, why you still look like you sucked on a lemon and shit?”
“Look, I’m good, it’s no love lost, it’s no beef, it’s nothing. I’m cool.” I replied as I got in my car.
“Can I come back and kick it with you? When I said I missed you, I meant that shit.” He draped his arms along the car door as he looked down at me.
“Jamar, please get off my car.”
“Yo, you really dragging this being mad shit.”
“I’m not dragging shit and if I want to be mad at you for the next however long then I can and will. If you don’t like it then maybe you should leave me the fuck alone, Jamar.” I snatched my door away from him, closed and locked it.
I ignored his intense glare as I pulled out of the parking space and out of the lot.
Instead of going straight home, I grabbed a tray from Cook Out first hoping if Jamar did go to my house, he would leave before I made it there.
I parked thankful, his car wasn’t in the lot and rushed into my apartment to eat my food.
***
A few hours later my nap was interrupted by the sound of rapid knocking on the door. I tried to ignore the knocks, but the longer I laid in bed, the louder they became. I groaned as I rose from the bed and rushed to the door.
“Jamar.” I growled as I snatched the door open.
“Took yo ass long enough!” he barked as he strolled in like he was invited. “My boyfriend and I were?—”
“You got a nigga in here?” His narrowed eyes accused me mercilessly.
Jamar shoved the long stem red roses into my hands and stomped past me inspecting every room of the house.
While he made an ass of himself I sat down on the couch and inhaled the smell of the flowers.
I hadn’t told him that I loved flowers, ever since I was a little girl my dad always got flowers for me and Blaine.
Birthdays, Valentine’s day, and sometimes just because he was getting my mama some.
“You ain’t about to eat them shits, are you?” Jamar’s voice lured me from my thoughts.
My eyes roamed his handsome face, his curly fade had grown out, he needed an edge up, but it couldn’t take away from how attractive he was. I loved his bushy eyebrows and curly eye lashes that made me intensely jealous and watching him lick his thick, juicy lips made my heart jump out of my chest.
“Fallen, I know you mad at a nigga and you got every reason to be, but how long you gon’ punish me?” he sat down across from me.
“Punish you?” I repeated in confusion. “Jamar, this isn’t a punishment, I really don’t want to fuck with you like that. It’s not just about the lie, I’ve been lied to before?—”
“Look, I didn’t lie to you because I had feelings for her or because I was ashamed of my daughter or any other fucked up thing yo ass been thinking. I didn’t tell you about Ebony being pregnant because I was trying to protect you from her.” He cut me off.
“Yea, okay Drake. Here’s the thing, I don’t need your protection, I’m good on the bullshit. I don’t want to be a part of your baby mama drama, I’m good on the late-night phone calls and threatening text messages.” I shrugged.
He stood, walked around the table and sat beside me on the couch before he picked up my hand and kissed it.
“You really think you can charm your way into any girl’s panties don’t you?” I pulled my hand out of his grasp with a frown.
“I like you and you like me too?—”
“Not like that.” I denied.
“You mad at me for lying, but you sitting here lying to me right now.”
And I hated that he was right, but he already showed me he couldn’t be trustworthy.
It wasn’t just about him omitting having some girl pregnant, it was deeper than that.
I liked him, I mean I really liked him and now he had a baby with someone else and not just any someone else, someone he had feelings and history with.
How the hell was I supposed to compete with that?
“Ok, I like you, so what?” I shrugged.
“So, stop trying to push a nigga away.”
“Jamar, you have a daughter?—”
“And? I can be a dope ass father and a dope ass boyfriend too.”
“Exactly, so go be her boyfriend.” I pushed him away as I rose to my feet.
“You really got me fucked up, Fallen. I’m a grown ass man, but I ain’t about to keep chasing you. I want you, but I feel like I’m wasting my time...am I?”
“YES!” I yelled.
What other answer could I have? I watched Blaine slowly kill herself the past year while she grieved for a nigga that cheated on her repeatedly.
You couldn’t tell her that he ain’t love her though, when it came to Tremaine, it was like God himself was speaking.
I watched my little sister get fucked over mistaking hood love for heartbreak and I wanted nothing to do with it.
“Aight, Fallen. I’ma fuck with you.” He nodded and rose to his feet.
I wanted him to stop, I wanted him to ask me again, but my pride wouldn’t let me open my mouth.
Instead I followed him to the door and waited for him to open it and walk through it.
He turned around and leaned down holding my body against his as he kissed me.
I wanted to push him away, force him to stop, but I couldn’t so, I let go and kissed him back.
When Jamar pulled away he pushed our foreheads together for a few seconds before he stepped back.
“I wish you could trust your heart with me.” He whispered before he walked away and didn’t look back.
A WEEK LATER...
“Hey, Ko, I don’t think Blaine is home.” I told Kourtney as I unlocked the door to my apartment.
“I’ve been knocking for a few minutes so I kinda figured.” She replied.
“Why didn’t you just call her?” I stepped into my place and KoKo followed behind me.
“I don’t know.” She shrugged as she looked around the living room.
As much as Kourtney was Blaine’s friend she was mine too. We weren’t super close, but that didn’t mean I loved her any less. She was born a man, but I knew from the moment I met her that she was meant to be a woman. I didn’t know all the details of her
transformation because it wasn’t something Blaine discussed, and I never wanted her to feel uncomfortable about it, so I didn’t ask. And for me it didn’t matter, my love for Kourtney would be the same, penis or not.
“What’s wrong? You and Blaine hit a rough patch?”
“Something like that.” She shrugged. “Can you ask her to call me? I’ve called her a few times and she won’t return my calls or text messages and?—”
“You know Blaine don’t listen to nobody, tell me what happened.”
“I did something stupid.” She sobbed. “She’s going to hate me forever!”
“Oh, Kourtney.” I wrapped my arms around her as she cried. “It’s okay, she’s not going to hate you. You and Blaine been through a ton of shit, y’all will get through this rough patch.” I assured her.
“I really don’t think so, not this time.” Kourtney pulled away and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
“What you mean? What could you have done so bad that would break up your friendship?”
“You know how Blaine is, you know she doesn’t listen to anybody when her mind is made up about something. I just wish she would understand my side?—”
“Your side? Kourtney, I love you, but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on; stop talking in circles spit it out.”
“I can’t.” She closed her eyes as she shook her head subtly. “I did something so low and stupid.” She groaned.
“Whatever it is, I’m sure Blaine just needed some time to cool off. She’s with Kyrie and after she’s had a few days to think things through she’ll be ready to hear you out, I’m sure.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Aight, look I ain’t about to make you talk to me if you don’t want to. I hope y’all work shit out though.”
“I know we won’t be able to,” She sighed heavily.
I gave her my back as I combed through the fridge to find something quick to cook or heat up to eat.
“It’s about Kyrie.”
Hearing his name immediately forced my body upright and turning towards Kourtney with wide eyes.
“What happened between you and Kyrie?” I was back standing beside her a second or two later, searching her eyes for authenticity. Her reaction to Blaine shutting her out was too heartfelt, the sadness in her eyes was genuine.
“Remember when we were sixteen and we all decided to move to Atlanta?”
How could I forget? Hearing her and Blaine’s plans to become the hottest up and coming strippers “The A” had ever seen had been too comical to ignore.
I talked Blaine out of that ridiculous notion only to end up dancing in the club myself, but it was hearing those plans that pushed me to get my shit together.
So, I moved here to Atlanta and I found a way to get stable so that my sister could come and have an easier life.
“Yea, Blaine wanting to move out here was the only reason I moved?—”
“Moving here wasn’t her plan, it was mine. I wanted to move here because I met a boy and I was in love with him. You know my mama didn’t want me to transition and I had to transition if I wanted to be here with him?—”
“Him? You and Blaine beefing over Kyrie?” I waited for a response that Kourtney was unwilling to give, so after a few seconds of blank stares being past between us she moved to the door.
“Kourtney, what happened between you and Kyrie?”
“I think I should go; I’ll call before I come by again.” Kourtney said before she rushed out of my apartment.
Why didn’t Blaine tell me what was going on?