18. Ashari
An unknown time…
God, what should I do? Am I wasting time with Kayshon, knowing he doesn’t want the same thing I do? Kayshon has been showing me how much I mean to him in every way that matters. Will I be fulfilled with him and me if I give up my desire to have kids? I know you said joy comes in the morning, but I don’t feel like morning will fully come if I can’t have at least three kids. Unlike Mom and Dad, I want two girls and a son to round out the girlie banter my daughters will bring to the household. I also don’t mind two boys and one daughter or any variation you see fit. I just want to be a mother one day. Can you talk to Kayshon on my behalf? I know he doesn’t attend church like Kyce, but You and I don’t have interactions inside the four corner walls of a church. That in and of itself lets me know that you can reach Kayshon in a manner that he’s comfortable with as well. P ? —
“What’s bothering you, baby girl?” Dad’s voice cuts into my thoughts, causing me to pull my gaze away from the little girls playing next door to my childhood home.
“Do you ever regret marrying Mom and becoming a father?”
Dad’s face brightens with a smile that’s glowing more than the sun as he comes and sits beside me on the rocking bench.
After shopping with Mom for four hours, I came to sit out here to regroup enough to go home. Instead of going to Kayshon’s house like he wants me to, I’ve decided to go home so I don’t have to ask him what he’s going to do. I also won’t cry in his presence at the knowledge of his upcoming procedure. Kayshon had given me the date, and I put it on every calendar I have as a reminder that is now choking me due to the day fast approaching.
“From the minute your mother told me she was pregnant with you, I have thanked God for the grace He’s shown me. Allowing Lorenzo to be you and Amari’s godfather had been twofold for your mother and me. For me, it was a way of securing your place in Heaven, even when my sins would cause me to spend my eternity without you. For Ashanti, it was because she secretly pined after that nigga and thought it was cute for him to be y’all play daddy.”
My nose wrinkles, and a frown upturns my lips at the information I’ve never heard before, causing me to look to see if Dad is being truthful or not. The cheesy grin he’s wearing releases the tension in my shoulders.
“Dad. You were about to have me looking at Mom sideways.”
“I’m joking about your mother’s reasoning, but she didn’t object to my decision to choose Lorenzo. All of us grew up together, and he’s been my brother for a long time. Only the difference in our lifestyles keeps us from hanging out. While that nigga loves to uplift God’s name at every turn, I play scraps with the fallen angel.”
“What do you mean?”
“Let me put it to you this way. When I heard Kayshon on your phone and then saw him in person, something familiar spread through me. I can see that Kayshon’s life has never been a picnic, but in his eyes, I can see a man who will never give you a reason to regret marrying him. He hasn’t proposed, to my knowledge, but I still know that it's coming soon.”
Dad’s declaration causes my heart to quicken as my mouth becomes cottony, preventing me from speaking.
“Most fathers want their daughter to steer clear of anyone who resembles them, and ordinarily, I would agree. However, despite your age, Kayshon gives me a reason to release the protective reins I want to smother you with. While your mother was babbling at his house about meaningless stuff, I watched the interaction between you two. I have never seen you peaceful and unguarded the way you were that day. Kayshon wouldn’t let you get any breathing room, and it had nothing to do with possession. He was gentle with you in a way I acknowledged with an exhale.”
Dad’s words incite tears as he kisses my cheek before wiping my face as a weak smile slips into place. Hearing Dad give me permission to be with Kayshon and marry him sends shockwaves through me.
“As for your mother’s urging for babies, take your time with that. Every couple has to decide for themselves on whether that’s a journey meant for them. Worry about setting a foundation so strong that any children born through your union will be a reward instead of a burden. While children are blessings, they don’t always have to be the fabric of existence in every marriage. Hell, not everyone wants to be bothered with shitty diapers and colicky nights.”
Wow. You don’t know who carries your message as long as it reaches me, huh, God?
*bam, bam, bam*
Jumping out of my sleep, I look around my room. Darkness surrounds me, and a glimmer of light peeks through my blinds. Throwing the blankets off my body, I slip my feet into my shoes and head to the bottom level. After coming from my parents’ house and turning my phone off so I could think, it's not a mystery who is banging on my front door. I had locked my screen door, so I’m sure Kayshon is taking his feelings out on what he feels is blocking him from reaching me.
“I thought we got past this shit, Shari,” Kayshon says after I open both doors as his nostrils flare and his tight eyes peer into me.
“What shit, Kayshon?” I ask, sighing.
Sleep is clogging my brain, preventing me from thinking logically or rationally as Kayshon storms into my living room.
“You were supposed to come to my crib after leaving your mom. What happened? You got my ass spoiled with sleeping under you, and then you pull this shit. I ain’t moved during my sleep, let alone been taunted by my mother’s ghost since we’ve started sharing a bed. Don’t do this to me, Shari. I won’t survive without you,” Kayshon says before his weary eyes disconnect from me. He stares at the floor, causing my chest to pinch.
“I know. It took me several times to sleep with you after we reconciled to realize you wouldn’t wake me up at some point,” I whisper.
Kayshon’s head snaps to meet my eyes as shock flashes to anguish in his orbs, causing me to slowly move closer to him after securing the door.
“What did I say?” Kayshon asks as if he’s in unbearable pain.
The energy in the room changes as a heavy feeling charges the atmosphere as my mouth twists, and I war with telling Kayshon about the nightmare he had a while ago. Sighing, I spend the next ten or so minutes replaying the information I had been planning to take to my grave.
“Bear with me, Shari. I know that I haven’t let you know what’s up in terms of this vasectomy shit, but please don’t give up on me, baby.”
I’m not sure which tightens my chest and increases my pulse more… seeing Kayshon’s eyes sheen from unshed tears or the low cadence of his voice. Without verbally responding, I remove the space between us and pull him into my body, hugging him as tight as I did the night he had the nightmare. This time, Kayshon’s cries lowly fill the room as I silently pray over him.
All right, God, here we are with me, standing in the gap for Kayshon. Heal the fragments I’m unable to see. Allow him to feel your love and comfort through me. I don’t have all the answers, but I trust You. Right now, in this moment… I surrender to Your will for the life You’ve laid before me with Kayshon in mind. Allow me to be the vessel you need to show Kayshon that You’re greater than every problem he’s faced. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.
A few days later…
“Thanks for agreeing to have lunch with me,” Masani says when I sit across from her in the booth.
“Of course. If Kayshon has his way, you and I will be family, so I'm sure this will be the first of many to come.”
“Most definitely, especially because I’ll need me time as much as I can get it with my house always bustling, and I’m not talking about the twins. Sassy refuses to go back to Kayshon’s, and Peaches only tolerates sharing the four humans in the house for so long.”
“I thought Kayshon was lying about having a dog since she’s rarely been around when I’m at his house,” I say, smiling.
While I wasn’t scared of dogs, I wasn’t sure about being around a Doberman due to their size. However, Sassy and my interactions haven’t been often, and I’m convinced Jawaan has brainwashed her regarding me because she usually avoids me.
“You’re not missing anything, trust me,” Masani says.
“I hear you. Have you ordered yet?”
“Only some water. I got the waiter bringing one for you as well.”
Masani and I are eating at Esther’s Bea’s Diner, and my mouth starts watering at the thought of the peach mango lemonade on the menu.
“Okay, sounds good. I’m gonna get one of the signature lemonades as well. In the meantime, what did you want to meet for, or did you not have a reason and just wanted to hook up?”
“I prayed for you,” Masani says, and my brows hike and my nose wrinkles like something foul is in the air.
“Uh… care to elaborate?”
Being Pastor Lorenzo Reese’s goddaughter meant that I had some familiarity with some of his congregants. Although I’ve seen Masani around the church, we didn’t have any dealings on the times I have attended. For the most part, we wave or speak in passing, but that’s been the extent of our interactions before learning she’s married to Kayshon’s brother. My fingers tense on my lap as my leg shakes back and forth while I wait for Masani to let me know what she’s talking about.
“Meeting Kayshon and Jawaan was on the heels of Kyce being brought into Shadow Stew Memorial after being shot,” Masani says as I gasp and my eyes balloon. “Oh, I know, girl, but focus. As the relationship between Kyce and me continued to develop, God laid it on my heart to start praying for his brothers. Those prayers soon shifted to realizing that Kayshon and Jawaan would need somebody else to carry that mantle of prayer,” Masani says, laughing as I join in because if no one else understands the energy it takes to deal with Kayshon and Jawaan, she does.
“Somebody should have warned me because whew… the struggle is real,” I say shaking my head.
“Yet the purpose and blessing have been promised even before you knew Kayshon existed.”
“So I need to add you to the list of offenders for why—” I start before Masani cuts me off with her next statements causing my heart rate to increase.
“You’re in love with a man whose flaws steal your breath, saturate your clothes from his tears, but none of it allows you to run. Mhm. I know. Sometimes getting a reprieve seems right, but even then, your heart skips a beat at hearing or thinking his name,” Masani says, with a dreamy, faraway look that I’m unable to verbally confirm.
That night…
“What does family mean to you?” I ask Kayshon while lying against his bare chest as my breathing returns to normal.
Masani’s words held me hostage for the rest of the day and somehow charged me and my libido. As soon as Kayshon and I finished dinner, I jumped on him, which led to several rigorous rounds of sex. Now we’re in his bed with this single question repeating in my mind.
“It means that no matter how many times I get on your nerves, I will continue loving you for the rest of my life. It means that no matter how unorthodox our family unit, we’ll always incorporate family gatherings into our dynamics.”
“So, you really want to settle for me without confirming that I’m who you want for years to come?”
“That’s the hook between us… It has always been God’s plan. With you, I now understand why God never allowed me to desire intimacy before our paths crossed. You’re the woman who was created to repair the covenant of marriage God designed from the beginning. You’re what I have been missing and longing for when the darkness of night tormented me.”
My breath hitches and my pulse races the more Kayshon speaks, because I’ve never heard him talk about God before this moment. The energy in the room changes as the haze of sex makes way for something far more intimate than the animalistic act we’d been engaging in not long ago.
“Earlier today, I made two decisions, and it's only fair that I share them with you. Fear will no longer keep me from trusting God to cancel and free me from the generational curse that’s been choking me for twenty-three years. I’m a man whose flaws will continue to force me to my therapist’s office. However, I’m not a man without direction nor the foresight to draw the line in the sand.” Kayshon shifts my body so I’m now staring into his intense eyes as so many things flash in his orbs.
The temperature in the room shoots up like a volcano at its breaking point causing me to swallow the moisture gathering in my mouth.
Oh God, is he about to break up with me after spending hours pleasuring my body? Was that his way of easing me into this conversation so I have something to remember him by? Is t ? —
“For the rest of my life, I want to always have a reminder of God’s goodness. That will always start and end with creating a forever with you. This moment is fitting because, in the cloak of night, my mind is the most unsettled, but it’s also why I need to change the narrative. Ashari Weeks, my life will start afresh at the stroke of midnight, but it can only happen if you agree to marry me. Marry me, knowing that bad days will still happen. Marry me, knowing that I’ll get on your nerves. Most of all, marry me because I promise to be the parent whose sleepless night will be spent caring for however many babies you’re willing to give me.” Kayshon stops talking as the revelation of his words slams into me like a Mack truck.
“Oh my God. You’re gonna give me babies,” I say as my bottom lip trembles and tears sit on the brim of my eyes.
“Only if you allow me to make you a wife first. So, will you marry a nigga so I can give Sassy a reason to come back home?”
Laughing uncontrollably, I nod as tears slip from my eyes and joy spreads through my body at seeing Kayshon hold out the diamond that lights up the room despite the dim light from the TV.
“I need your words, or it won’t be official, Shari.”
“Y-yes, I’ll marry you.”
“Bet.”