Chapter 44 Daniel
Chapter 44
Daniel
Daniel hadn’t meant to get emotional; in fact he’d surprised himself with his reaction. Walking down to the kitchen, coffee cups trembling on the dirty plates in his hands, he replayed the scene on deck and didn’t recognise himself. Who was this man? Who poured his heart out and cried in broad daylight? This job was supposed to be plain sailing but it had turned into the stormiest of rides.
Bursting through the swinging doors, he caught Carlos off guard. ‘ Mon Dieu! Attention, Capitaine!’ A stainless-steel ladle clattered to the ground.
‘My apologies, Carlos, I didn’t mean to startle you.’ Daniel’s tone was even as he laid the plates down on the side but as he straightened up he noticed Carlos giving him a suspicious look.
‘Is everything OK, Capitaine?’
Daniel did not know what it was that had betrayed him; maybe his eyes were red? Or something about his brusque movements. He berated himself. He was usually so good at maintaining at least the appearance of serenity.
‘I’ll pick that up.’ Daniel gestured to the ladle on the floor, in part hoping to change the focus of the conversation.
‘On this occasion, I think it is more imperative that you pick yourself up, Capitaine.’ Carlos turned down the heat on whatever was bubbling on the stove and walked towards his tiny office. At the doorway, he turned and motioned for Daniel to follow him.
Daniel felt exhausted, both reticent to embark on another emotionally draining interaction and too feeble to resist.
The two men squeezed into the rickety chairs either side of the small, battered desk. Its surface was strewn with photocopies of recipes, seemingly unfinished lists of ingredients, and a scattering of black and white photographs of exotic-looking fish.
Carlos caught Daniel staring. ‘Sometimes I wake up very early and cast a line out, to see what I can catch. It is always an exciting surprise to find out what the colours of the fish are in real life.’ Carlos laughed at Daniel’s concerned expression. ‘Don’t worry I do not cook them. I just like to look at them, and then I always throw them back.’
‘Why bother?’ Daniel remembered going fishing with his dad once, when he was very young, too young probably. They’d sat for hours, not speaking, just waiting. Daniel had found it boring, but at least they’d eaten fresh fish for dinner that night.
‘Oh you know what they say, the beautiful things deserve to be free.’ Carlos looked wistful.
‘I’m not sure that’s the saying,’ Daniel said quietly.
‘And it is not just for fish,’ Carlos continued, ignoring the interjection, ‘it is for feelings too …’ Carlos trained his eyes on Daniel until he looked up. Daniel managed a small, dismissive laugh.
‘It is no laughing matter, Daniel. You must learn to express yourself. You are so … what is the phrase … buttoned up!’ Carlos threw his hands up in the air exasperatedly.
‘It’s just the way I have always been, Carlos. I am not …’ Daniel paused, for fear of offending ‘… French, like you.’
‘Pah! I am not French, Daniel, I am Lebanese, but that is beside the point. What I am trying to say is that just because it has always been, even if it has always worked, it doesn’t mean that it should always be, and in fact, exactly when it stops working, that is when it is time to change.’ Carlos folded his arms triumphantly, as though he had said something truly profound. Maybe he had, but Daniel was too tired to work it out.
‘Right, thanks, Carlos, noted.’ Daniel made to get up, but Carlos reached for his arm across the table to stop him.
‘To deny your feeling for Ore will eat you from the inside out.’ Carlos said this with such certainty that it unnerved Daniel.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Daniel mumbled feebly, pulling his arm out of Carlos’ grip. Carlos let go and gave him a sad smile.
‘Sit down a moment, Daniel. What is the rush?’
Daniel sighed and lowered himself back down.
‘Why do you never come and spend time in the mess? You’re always up in the wheelhouse, or in your cabin?’ Carlos sounded concerned, and his tone irritated Daniel. Carlos was probably about a decade older than him, but Daniel was still the captain and he didn’t appreciate being lectured about his social habits.
‘Is that a question, Carlos? I like my own company. What’s wrong with that?’ Daniel asked evenly.
‘Nothing, Capitaine, except that it feels like you’re hiding.’ Carlos was trying to be sympathetic, friendly even. Daniel understood this, but it wasn’t making the exchange any less maddening.
‘Well you’re entitled to your opinion, Carlos. I really had better go now …’
‘What is your hobby, Capitaine, when you are not working? What do you do with your time?’ Carlos seemed to sense he was pushing for time.
Daniel sighed and then said: ‘I like sudoku.’ Carlos raised an incredulous eyebrow. ‘And birds, I like birds. Out here I only really get to see seabirds, but I like all different kinds,’ Daniel continued, impatient now.
Carlos smiled. ‘Ahhh, well it makes sense why you like Ore so much then.’ Daniel bristled, but Carlos wasn’t deterred. ‘She is like a bird, beautiful, majestic even, free and curious, flying wherever she pleases, and unwilling to be caged …’ Daniel fought the urge to roll his eyes.
‘I suppose,’ was all Daniel said in response. He was eager to get out of the cramped space, and away from the philosophical musings. As he stood up he added, ‘I’ll come to the mess for dinner tonight.’ He hoped it would at least quieten the scrutiny.
‘We look forward to it!’ Carlos said cheerily as he waved Daniel goodbye.