Hope

Chapter 21

Chapter

Twenty-One

BAD SPROUT

That lunch date was a game changer. No life changer. It’s been three weeks since then and well, I bloody love him. I haven’t officially said those words yet, but I’m sure he knows how I feel.

“Mummy they have building blocks,” Hope calls out excitedly from the corner where the children’s toys are.

“Oh how fabulous.” I smile at her while looking at the clock.

Why is it when you have a doctor’s appointment they are never one time.

Always at least twenty minutes late. Normally I wouldn’t mind but I promised Pearl I would take over this afternoon’s shift for her so she could get her top lip, flap and crack waxed. Her words.

“Miss Smith?” a doctor calls out.

“Hope come on, it’s our turn,” I call out holding out my hand.

We walk into the doctor’s office and take a seat.

“Apologies for the delay, your usual GP is off sick and I am trying to get through as many patients as I can.” He pauses, looking at the computer screen through his glasses at the end of his nose.

“So we have been trying to get hold of you a couple of times to no avail.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that bad habit of not answering numbers I don’t recognise. If the receptionist left a message then I would have contacted sooner,” I defend while internally flipping him off. I wish Doctor Meadows was in. He’s lovely and warming where this guy is sterile and cold.

“Ah yes, many say the same thing.” He pauses while reading through whatever his computer is telling him. “Now,” he peers over his glasses with a disapproving look. Jesus I feel like I’m being told off by the Headmaster.

“Mummy, I’m bored,” Hope complains next to me swinging her legs.

“I know, I know we won’t be long,” I answer, before turning my attention to the doctor. “Can you please tell me whatever it is on your screen so we can leave? She’s only four and this doesn’t count as entertainment or a day out,” I say with frustration.

He sits back in his chair sighing. He removes his glasses, chucking them down on his desk and he rubs his face before picking up his phone. “Can you send Heather in please?” he asks before disconnecting.

I look wide eyed to him and to his phone.

“Well?” He doesn’t answer and I stand. “Do you know that we have waited patiently for over twenty minutes and now we are still waiting to know why we are here. I appreciate the NHS is a stretch. I appreciate all the hard work I really do, but as single mother that relies on pay, that relies on that pay feeding her and her daughter, I don’t exactly have enough time to be faffing about in a doctor’s office.

So thanks but no thanks. Some other poor sod that’s in the waiting room can have our slot.

” I take Hope’s hand in mine and walk to the door but before I can exit the door opens and a nurse with a kind smile walks in. “Oh hello.”

“Heather, would you mind taking young Hope here for a height and weight check while I talk to Mum?” the doctor asks.

Nurse Heather smiles and nods. I frown. Is that all that was needed?

A health check-up? Hope walks happily with the nurse and I turn to face the doctor.

“Please take a seat.” I do but only because well, I was rather rude to him before and now I’m feeling bad for my outburst.

“I’m sorry for my temper getting the better of me,” I apologise.

“Miss Smith, what I am about to say is important,” he states, leaning forward on his elbows.

I nod, waiting for him to continue. “The hospital were trying to track down outpatients as they had an ER.”

“Technical hitch, my boyfriend told me about it.” I wink.

He nods. “Well, unfortunately, they made an error with Hope’s records. They were trying to contact you directly but to no avail, so it was put to us to reach you.”

“I think there’s been some kind of confusion. The hospital rang and told me there is nothing wrong with Hope’s results,” I inform him.

“I’m afraid that was the error.” He pauses. “The results they told you were in fact another woman called Hope.”

A feeling of dread, no worse than that, pure fear creeps up my spine.

“I’m afraid Hope’s scan shows a tumour on her brain.

A decent sized one, that is why she is having visual problems and headaches.

I am to advise you that you are to take Hope to the hospital tomorrow where you’ll meet with the neurologist. They will show you the results and talk things through with you further.

I am sorry to be the one to tell you this news and the hospital apologises for any inconvenienced caused. ”

I don’t listen to him, I feel like my entire world has been pulled from underneath me. I can’t hear. I feel like I’m underwater. Like I’m drowning, fighting for my next breath.

“Miss Smith,” the doctor calls my name.

“A tumour?” I rasp. “You’re telling me my baby girl has a tumour.”

He nods his head. “But it’s important to remember that it could be benign, until you speak more with the specialists and do some more tests. It’s important to try not to worry too much at this stage. Is there someone we can call for you, to be there for you and Hope?” he asks.

I nod and pull out my phone, hitting the call button. “Hey slutface!”

“Bella.”

She stops immediately. “Where are you?”

“Doctors on Charles Street,” I answer.

“On my way.” She disconnects with no questions asked. She knows I need her and I need her now.

“He’s called again. That’s five missed calls now,” Bella tells me, crawling into bed with me.

She came and picked us up from the doctor.

I told her the news and I could tell she wanted to completely break down like I do, but for Hope we both held it together.

“Just let me text him that you’re ill, or busy and you’ll call him later,” she says, grabbing my phone and sending Jack a text.

I roll over onto my side and pull the duvet up, burrowing in.

I haven’t cried, I can’t. I have to keep focused for Hope, I have to be strong.

They could be wrong. They were wrong before and they could be wrong again.

“There. I sent him a message saying you’re ill and in bed. When we find out what is going on with Hope tomorrow you’ll have to call and update him then,” Bella says cuddling down in bed with me. “Now get some sleep, it’s been a day.”

I don’t answer. I just lay there staring in the dark room. I don’t sleep. How could I?

The next morning Bella helps get Hope ready.

I’m trying, really trying to keep it together for Hope.

I haven’t even spoke to her about this yet.

I mean, what do you tell your four year old?

You have something in your brain that shouldn’t be there?

What if she asks me if she’s going to get sick or worse, what if she asks me if she’s going to die?

Staring out of the car window on the way to hospital, I don’t even have it in me to be scared of Bella’s driving.

What is it they say? I’m here in body just not in mind?

Or something like that. My mind is focused solely on what this appointment will bring, what I will have to prepare for, for what I will have to prepare my daughter for.

I hold Hope’s little hand in mine as we walk into the doctor’s office.

The doctor smiles and take a seat behind her desk.

I watch as her mouth moves but I don’t hear what she’s saying.

Just by looking at her, I know what she is going to say.

The sympathetic look in her eyes, the gentle hand gestures, the smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“I’m afraid that the scan showed that the tumour is fairly big, it measures 2.8cm.”

“Is that big?” Bella asks.

I look over to Hope who is sat playing with whatever toy station the doctor has. “It’s big,” I answer for the doctor. “Why don’t you just say what you need to say?”

“Miss Smith, there are options –” the doctor goes to continue.

“Just say it,” I whisper, my hands gripping the arms of the chair so tightly that my knuckles are white.

“Miss Smith, please just le –” I cut her off again.

“Say it!’ I hiss, tears filling my eyes.

The doctor sighs. “Hope’s tumour is cancerous, it’s large in size and that would lead us to believe it’s aggressive.

I recommend starting treatment right away.

I have spoken to my colleagues and I will prescribe steroids, this will help alleviate any swelling around the tumour.

As it is, the size of the tumour will make it difficult and dangerous for surgery so I would like to start chemotherapy.

I will warn you it will be tough and aggressive treatment.

I want to see this work and shrink the tumour.

If the tumour shrinks then maybe we can look at surgery.

It isn’t completely off the table. I still have a couple of doctors I want to consult with.

They may have a technique or know of something we can try,” the doctor informs.

Bella’s hand grips mine and I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I’m just sitting there unable to form the one word that is every parent’s worst nightmare. My heart feels like it’s being torn apart in my chest. “Cancer,” I finally breathe.

The doctor nods. “Oh god.” Bella chokes.

I’m frozen, tears fall down my face, my body is rigid. I shake my head. “No, no. You’re wrong. The results are wrong. You’re lying,” I accuse.

“Miss Smith, I can assure you –” the doctor starts.

“No! Look at her! Look at my daughter!” I stand to my feet.

Anger, pain and complete and utter heartache wrecks through my body, like nothing I have ever experienced in my life.

“Look at my beautiful baby girl, my healthy and happy girl. And you tell me she’s got cancer?

! You’re lying, you have made a mistake!

I want a second opinion!” I rant hysterically.

“Neve, babe. It will be okay,” Bella tries to assure me.

I turn to look are her, her eyes red from crying, her face pained like mine.

I shake my head. “No,” I whisper. Bella stands and takes my hand in hers.

“I can’t, she’s my entire world.” I break down, unable to do hold it in, unable to be strong for my daughter.

Bella holds me, rubbing soothing circles on my back.

“She can fight it right? She has a chance,” Bella asks the doctor.

There is no response from the doctor, just silence. I pull away from Bella. “Will she survive this?” I ask.

The doctor lets out a slow breath. “I can never say for certain, believe me I want to, she has stage 3. We need to do more tests to confirm this though, and see how well she responds to the chemo first before we can go any further with other treatment. But looking at Hope she’s a young healthy girl, showing minimal signs of a tumour which believe me is astounding for the tumour she has.

I will be honest with you, even if we treat this, being stage 3, there is every chance it will come back later in her life.

It could return in five years, if could return in ten or even later.

What I am saying is this type of tumour you never cure.

This is a cancer that she will have to live with. ”

“Mummy, why are you crying?” Hope asks behind me.

I turn and reach down, picking her up in my arms as I let the tears fall.

In this moment I just want to hold her. I sit down with her on my lap, cradling her in my arms. “Mummy?” she asks.

I can hear the worry and fear in her voice.

That’s it, that’s enough selfish time. I need to be the strong mum she needs, that she deserves.

I wipe my tears and smile, cupping her beautiful little face.

“So, remember you had that big machine that took pictures of inside your head?” I ask her.

She nods her head confused.

“Well, that showed the doctors something that have made them worried. There was something that shouldn’t be there,” I tell her. My voice breaks a little but I clear my throat and carry on. “So the doctors are going to try and fix it so you don’t get more sick?”

She frowns. “But I don’t feel sick.”

I sob and smile. “I know baby, I know you don’t right now, but you will and we don’t want you getting really sick.

It means you need to be super brave, and it means sometimes it won’t be nice.

But you know me and your Auntie Bella will be with you every step of the way.

We will be your side-kicks. So as you’re fighting this really bad um…

” I pause trying to think of something to call it.

“Sprout,” Hope says.

I frown confused. “Sprout?”

“Sprouts are bad,” she says, poking her tongue out. “So it’s like a sprout.” She shrugs.

Bella chuckles and I nod. “A sprout it is. So do you think you can be brave and fight the bad sprout?” I ask her.

“Yeah, I can Mummy because I’m tough. I can do anything. Isn’t that right Auntie Bella?” she states.

“Oh my sweet girl, you are absolutely right. The unstoppable Hope. You’ll have that naughty sprout running scared.” Bella sniffs, smiling through her tears.