Chapter 16 #2
“Where are you going?” he called, his bare feet banging against the rough wood floors as he rushed after me.
“I’m walking. This was a huge fucking mistake.”
“Sage, wait—”
“Fuck off.” I grabbed the doorknob and gave it a turn. As soon as I pulled it open Xander was there, yanking me back and slamming it closed again.
“I’m sorry, Sage” he spit out, desperation laced through those three words as he pushed me back against the door and took my face in his hands. “I’m sorry.”
I grabbed his wrists and tried to pull his hands away, but he threaded his fingers into my hair and pressed in deeper.
“What are we doing here, Xander? What the hell is this?”
“Fuck,” he clipped out. “I don’t know.” His forehead came down and rested against mine. “I don’t have any answers, Shortcake. All I know is I don’t want you to leave.”
“How you treated me tonight—”
“I fucked up. I know that, and I’m so goddamn sorry, baby. Please, just . . . say you’ll stay.”
I hesitated for several seconds. I’d learned through major error to cut out the people who made me feel bad about myself or hurt me over and over again.
But still, there was something about Xander I couldn’t get out from under my skin.
I felt the darkness in his eyes every time I looked at him like it was my own.
Whatever secrets he was keeping to himself were destroying him.
And as much as he’d hurt me tonight, as stupid as it made me, I wanted to stay. I wanted to help him.
I wanted this Xander. But I worried how long it would be before the one I didn’t like made a reappearance.
“Please, Sage,” he repeated when I took too long to answer. He dragged his nose along the side of mine in a feather light touch and brushed my lips with his. “Stay with me tonight.”
“All right. I’ll stay,” I finally whispered. But even though a part of me was thrilled at the idea of spending the night sleeping next to this man, there was another part that couldn’t shake the feeling I was treading on dangerously thin ice.
Only time would tell if I’d make it to the other side . . . or if I’d fall through.
Xander
She was the first woman I’d kissed in eight years.
The first woman I’d sunk myself deep inside without seeing my wife’s face on the backs of my eyelids.
And tonight she’d be the first woman I shared a bed with since I’d walked away from Rebecca all those years ago, leaving her all alone and pushing her into the arms of the monster who eventually ended her life.
For eight long, miserable years I’d lived with the guilt of what I’d done. I might not have been the one to take her life, but she died because of me. That guilt was in my bones. It was in the air I breathed. It was a part of me.
But tonight, when I was with Sage, it vanished. The memories disappeared. There were no thoughts of Rebecca, no thoughts of how badly I’d screwed up everything.
No thoughts of all I’d lost.
For that short period of time, all I could think about was Sage and what she made me feel.
When it was over, that guilt rushed back a thousand times stronger.
I beat myself up for allowing myself to forget.
And what was worse was the knowledge that Sage was, hands down, the best I’d ever had.
That realization fucked with my head, and because of that, I lashed out.
I fucked up. I handled everything that came after in the worst way possible.
I ran, needing time to get my shit straight.
But then everything changed. She’d come to me, throwing that attitude I found so goddamn sexy, and I realized something in that moment.
Sage was nothing like Rebecca.
My wife had always had a soft, sensitive heart.
She wanted so badly to see the best in everyone, and believed forgiveness was key, even when it came to the people who didn’t deserve it.
She wasn’t made for a world as cruel as this one, too fragile to endure the pain that came simply from living.
She’d been born to cruel, heartless parents who didn’t shelter her, leaving scars on her soul that never healed properly and left her raw and exposed.
She’d needed a protector, and when I stepped into that role, she’d handed over the reins completely, so happy to have me as her pillar of strength that she never batted an eye.
With me there, she chose instead to pretend all of the ugliness from her past was nothing more than a scary dream, feeding herself that same lie over and over until she finally began to believe it.
She knew she was safe as long as I was around, and because of that she made the conscious decision to go into each new day with blissful ignorance.
That made the bumps in the road that were a part of life nearly impossible for her to handle, and when the hard times hit, she’d fall apart, staying that way until I could swoop in and piece her back together.
She’d been the love of my life, and I’d been more than happy to give her all of that.
Then the day came when I needed someone to lift me up and pick up the pieces of my broken world. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, everything we had fell apart.
Sage was nothing like that. She didn’t need a protector.
She’d proven time and time again that she could take care of herself.
From what little I’d pieced together, I knew she hadn’t had the easiest life.
But where Rebecca crumbled under the weight of the world, Sage had pulled herself up, dusted herself off, and started over, stronger than ever.
She demanded respect and wouldn’t accept anything less than being treated the way she knew she deserved.
She had a big heart. She cared deeply, and her loyalty knew no bounds, but she’d proven tonight that she wouldn’t let anyone walk on her.
When Sage turned to walk away, I lost it. The moment my front door opened, I felt like I was at risk of losing something huge, something more important than I could have imagined. I couldn’t let her leave.
That freedom I had when we’d been together earlier was intoxicating, but it wasn’t just that.
Her eyes had shined with pain tonight, and it was me who’d caused it.
That knowledge sliced through my gut like a heated blade through butter.
I hated myself for hurting her. I had to do something to fix it.
But it was the unexpected, overwhelming fear of losing her that made me jump into action.
And now that I’d won this round, now that I’d gotten her to agree to stay, I felt like I’d just won a goddamn Nobel Prize.
“Xander,” she called, drawing me out of my thoughts and back into the present.
I slid my fingers deep into that soft, unbelievably thick hair as I stared down at her. “Yeah?”
“I’m tired,” she said, her exhausted voice giving truth to those two words.
“All right, baby. Let’s get you to bed.”
She let me take her hand and lead her back down the hall to my bedroom where she allowed me to slowly undress her.
When I reached for the hem of her top, her hands came down on mine, stopping me.
“Not a big fan of sleeping naked,” she admitted, her cheeks flushing an adorable pink. “I can’t get comfortable like that.”
Dropping my hands, I moved to my dresser and pulled open the top drawer, taking out one of my shirts. “Wear this,” I said softly, passing it to her. I wasn’t sure why, but I fucking loved the idea of her sleeping next to me in my bed wearing my tee.
She finished removing her clothes and jewelry and slipped the shirt on. It swallowed her tiny frame, but I couldn’t recall her ever looking as beautiful as she did just then—which was a feat, since she was gorgeous all the time.
We remained silent as we climbed into bed, and after flipping off the bedside lamp, I rolled to her without giving it a single thought and wrapped her in my arms.
And with the scent of lilies filling my nose and a soft, warm body pressed against mine, I did something else for the first time in more than eight years.
I fell asleep, and I did it easy.