Chapter 23 #2
I came awake at the enraged shout, shooting up on the couch.
My eyes burned from crying and my vision was bleary, but once I blinked it back to normal, I saw Xander standing over me with that metal box in his white-knuckled grip.
His eyes were on the pictures I held in my hand, and I didn’t think I’d ever seen him so angry before.
I pushed off the couch, reaching for him as I started, “Xander, I—”
But he shot back several feet before I could touch him. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me, Sage? You snooped through my shit?”
“I wasn’t snooping,” I insisted. “I swear. I was just looking for a blanket. I found this one in the closet, and when I pulled it down, the box fell down and the lid flipped open.”
He slammed the box onto the coffee table so hard the loud crash of metal against wood made me jump. “Yeah? That how you ended up with those pictures in your hands?”
“I didn’t—”
“You had no goddamn right!” he bellowed, leaning in close. “What’s in that box is none of your fuckin’ business.”
“I—” I had to clear my throat past the lump that had suddenly formed, but my voice still came out as a croak when I said, “I’m so sorry.”
Instead of acknowledging my apology, he snatched the photos out of my hand, bent to open the box, dropped them inside, then slapped the lid down again. He didn’t speak until he was on the move, heading for the closet.
“You can go ahead and leave,” he said as he stowed the box back on the shelf and slammed the closet door. “This shit is done.”
My whole body rocked back at that. “Wh-what?” I whispered, feeling like the world had just shifted beneath my feet.
“Done,” he clipped then continued to explain like he was speaking to an idiot. “Finished. Knew before tonight this thing was gettin’ old. I just hadn’t gotten around to pulling the trigger yet. Now I am.”
My stomach plummeted to the floor. My lungs squeezed and my heart beat so hard against my ribs, I felt like it was trying to escape my chest. “You can’t be serious,” I said, continuing to speak in a hushed whisper.
“Oh, I’m dead fuckin’ serious, Shortcake. Had my fun with you, I’ll give you that, but now it’s time to move on.”
That was when the pain began to burn, creating a fire deep inside me. “Stop it,” I hissed, clenching my fists and jaw.
But he didn’t stop. Raking a hand through his hair, he began mumbling like he was talking to himself, “I knew this was gonna turn out to be a mistake. Never should’ve started with you.
” Then he pinned me with those black eyes and proceeded to rip me apart.
“The women I fuck, they all know the score. We fuck for as long as it’s good, and when it stops bein’ that, it’s time to call it. ”
“And that’s what you’re doing?” I asked, fighting against the tears that wanted to fall. “You’re calling it?”
“Yep.” His face was like stone. I didn’t even recognize the man standing in front of me. I’d seen him mad, I’d seen him playful, I’d seen him morose, and thanks to those pictures, I’d even seen him happy. But I’d never seen this.
“Oh, I get it,” I exclaimed sarcastically, letting out a biting laugh. “I accidentally stumbled on your box of secrets, so now you’re being an asshole because it’s easier than actually feeling!”
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin’ about,” he seethed, his chest rising and falling as his breathing escalated.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about,” I clipped.
“You keep your past buried, and if anyone comes close to digging it up, you cut them out. You can’t risk anyone knowing the real you, because if they did, you couldn’t pretend anymore.
” I stomped to the closet and whipped the door open, pointing at the shelf.
“That happened, Xander! Those people were real. They existed. They were a part of you, and you lost them. It happened, and trying to pretend it didn’t isn’t going to change that. ”
“You think I don’t fuckin know that?” he thundered. “You think I don’t feel that every goddamn day? It’s in my bones, Sage. It’s a part of me. That pain, that guilt, it’s who I fucking am! I don’t pretend they don’t exist, because every time I close my goddamn eyes, they’re all I see!”
“Then talk to me!” I rushed toward him. Grabbing hold of his shirt, I fisted it in my hands as I begged, “I’m right here, Xander. Tell me about them. Give me the good memories and the bad.”
Taking me by the wrists, he yanked my hands from him and stepped away. “You can’t fuckin’ fix me, Sage. This is who I am.”
“I don’t want to fix you!” I cried, throwing my arms out.
“I don’t want to change who you’ve become.
You’re the man you are today because of everything you’ve experienced, good and bad.
I wouldn’t dream of trying to change that, because this”—I moved in and slapped my hands against his chest—“is the man I fell in love with! There’s nothing to fix, Xander.
You aren’t broken, you’re human. You lost people and you’re hurting.
I don’t want to fix that, I just want to help you handle the pain. ”
I’d been so lost in what I was saying that I hadn’t noticed the shift, but once my diatribe was finished, there was no missing it.
Every muscle in his body had locked so tight I feared he’d crack and splinter apart at any moment.
The energy bleeding from him and filling the air around us was suffocating.
That darkness was swallowing him whole right before my very eyes, and instead of fighting, he was letting it win.
“Fight for me.”
At my whispered plea, his eyes flashed. But he said nothing.
“I just told you I’m in love with you, Xander. And I know you love me too. Fight for me.”
Finally, he spoke, and what he said cut me to the quick and beyond, leaving a huge, gaping wound I knew down to my bones would never heal right. “There’s nothin’ to fight for, ’cause I don’t love you.”
“Liar,” I whispered through trembling lips.
“It’s not a lie. Yes, I wanted you. I wanted that tight little body beneath mine. I wanted to fuck you. I wanted to hear what you sounded like screamin’ my name. But that’s all this has ever been for me. I don’t love you.”
I quickly dropped my head down and to the side, not wanting him to see the pain he’d just inflicted as my face crumpled.
It took a full minute and a huge chunk of my strength I knew I’d never get back, but I managed to pull myself together enough to look up at him.
What I saw looking back at me was nothing.
Blank.
Empty.
The darkness had won.
“You’re a coward,” I spoke through tears, then I moved to my purse, looped the strap over my arm and headed for the door.
But before I left, I turned back and said one last thing, “I hope you and those shadows are happy together.”
Then I left.
Xander
I moved through the cabin feeling hollow.
My chest, my stomach, my soul. All of it was empty.
She’d taken all of it with her the moment she walked out the door, leaving me with nothing. And I only had myself to blame.
Bear let out a little whine, his eyes pinned to the door.
“It’s for the best,” I said, having sunk so low I was now talking to a dog.
I’d been struggling all day. I did every year when my birthday rolled around. It was a day I dreaded, a day I wished I could sleep through.
That darkness Sage spoke of had been digging its claws even deeper into my skin, and by the time I got home, I’d been hanging by the frayed end of a tattered rope. When I saw that box, the rope snapped, and I’d plummeted.
Bear let out another whine, this time hopping off the couch to go to the door and sit next to it like he was waiting for her to come back.
She wouldn’t. I’d seen to that.
“I couldn’t have made her happy,” I told the dog. “She deserves better. It’s good she left now.”
He didn’t look like he believed me, and I couldn’t blame him one damn bit. I wasn’t even sure I believed me.
When Bear didn’t move, I gave up and went into the kitchen to grab something to eat before climbing into bed and trying to put this miserable fucking day and the ache in my chest out of my head.
I opened the fridge and stopped dead. A plate with the makings of what looked like a fantastic dinner was sitting on the top shelf.
A big steak, green beans, potatoes. On the second shelf was a baking dish with a homemade peach cobbler, and just the sight of it made my mouth water.
I’d mentioned peach cobbler maybe once. I never in a million years expected she’d remember, but she had, and seeing it now, that ache grew even worse.
She’d really gone all out, and because my head was fucked up, I’d gone and ruined it.
Slamming the fridge closed, I turned, prepared to bolt only to stop short. On the kitchen table were two wrapped gifts and a bag with big balloons printed all over it.
Moving slowly, I hit the table and reached out with a trembling hand.
I went to the bag first. New tees, a couple long-sleeved thermals, a typical birthday gift, but no less appreciated.
In the bigger box was a pair of brand new motorcycle boots that I knew from experience cost a serious mint.
I didn’t fuck around with my boots. I bought quality, mainly because they lasted a hell of a lot longer.
Sage clearly had the same idea. My current boots were pretty worn, and I’d been needing a new pair for a while.
And because she was thoughtful, she’d taken care of that for me.
I hesitated before reaching for the third and last present. I should have braced myself, but nothing could have prepared me for how I’d feel when I saw what she’d done.
It was my spot. My favorite place looking out over the valley. The colors were amazing in the twilight. But what was more, she’d actually gotten me in the shot. Me and my bike.
It was fucking perfect.
The best gift I’d ever gotten.
“Fuck me,” I breathed, feeling like my chest had just caved in.
I stood staring at the picture she’d had framed until I had every inch of it committed to memory. Once that was done, I moved through the house, grabbing the tools I needed for the job, and hung it dead center right above my bed.
After that, I went back to the kitchen. Pulling open the cabinet above the fridge, I reached toward the very back and grabbed the bottle of Johnny Walker I kept stashed there. With that in hand, I went back to the bedroom, collapsed in my bed and brought the bottle to my lips.
Then I proceeded to drink myself into oblivion, lying beneath my picture surrounded by the soft smell of lilies.