Chapter 32 #2
What he’d given me already was more than most people could bear, but I knew he wasn’t done, and if he had any chance of working past all this darkness, he needed to let go of it all.
“Give me the rest,” I ordered gently. “Give it to me, and you won’t have to carry it alone anymore.”
His head came up and I lowered my arms, bracing for what was to come.
“I was fuckin’ destroyed. When it was all said and done, it was another man who came back from that. My brothers lost their lives, and I lost a piece of myself with them. I came home, and I didn’t have it in me to be what Rebecca needed anymore.”
“Of course you didn’t,” I replied vehemently. “You’d just lost your family. You needed someone to lean on. You couldn’t have been expected to be someone else’s rock after everything you’d just lost.”
“Rebecca didn’t see it that way, or maybe she couldn’t, I don’t know.
What I do know is she didn’t like the man who’d come home to her.
She got her wish, I got out after that, but I wasn’t the man I was before.
She wanted the old me back, the one who took care of her.
I couldn’t give her that, and when I couldn’t take the fighting and constant misery, I walked away.
She couldn’t handle bein’ alone. Couldn’t take care of herself, so she packed her shit and went back to her folks. ”
“No.” I sucked in a gasp and slapped my hands over my mouth.
“I got the call on my twenty-ninth birthday. Old man came home drunk outta his goddamn mind and started wailin’ on her.
Her mom stood there and did nothin’ as he hit her so hard she lost her footing.
Went down, cracking her head on the edge of the coffee table just right that it broke her neck. She died instantly.”
His wife died. On his birthday. After he’d already lost too much. Just like that, everything made sense.
“Xander,” I said, making sure to keep my voice strong. “It wasn’t your fault.”
He shook his head and began to lower it, so I grabbed hold and forced him to look at me.
“It was not your fault. Do you hear me? You loved her, but she was weak. You couldn’t take care of her because you needed to be taken care of, and she couldn’t hack that.
She made the decision to go back to them, knowing full well the kind of man her father was.
That was on her, not you. You’d pulled her out of that once already, and hearing your story, I can tell you with absolute certainty that there’s not a goddamn person on this earth who would blame you for not doing it a second time.
Especially with all you were dealing with.
The fact is, when you needed her, she wasn’t there.
But her death is not on your hands. You have to let it go. ”
He stared at me in silence for several seconds before he spoke again and proceeded to rock my world.
“You’re the first woman I’ve kissed since her.
First woman I wanted in a way that was more than just physical.
I made a promise to you when you were layin’ in that hospital bed.
I promised you that if you’d fight to come back to me, I’d fight for us.
You kept your promise, and now it’s my turn. ”
My chest stuttered as a fresh wave of tears welled in my eyes.
“Never had a woman who was willin’ to fight for me.
Not once in my life, baby. Not until I met you.
You started fightin’ the moment you decided you wanted me to be your friend, and you haven’t stopped since.
Not for one goddamn second. You fought for me when I didn’t deserve it, and you did that because it’s just who you are.
You’re a fighter, Sage. For what you believe in, for a fresh start, for respect, for your fucking life.
If you want it, if it means anything to you, you fight for it, and you don’t stop.
That’s why I love you. You made it impossible not to, just by bein’ you.
You don’t need anyone to protect you or take care of you.
You don’t need to be saved.” His hands came up, palms resting on the sides of my neck as he pulled me close and pressed his forehead against mine.
“Never expected it, not in a million years, that a short, sexy, pain-in-the-ass biker chick full of way too much goddamn attitude would be the woman who’d save me. But you did, baby.”
I grasped his forearms as I pulled back, my gaze penetrating his.
The shadows were there, they probably always would be.
You didn’t live a life like the one Xander Caine lived without reminders, but the love he felt for me was shining through them, so much brighter and stronger, pushing them back from the surface.
“Is this real?” I asked, afraid I’d wake up at any moment and discover it was all just a dream.
“It’s very real, Shortcake. For the past eight years I’ve lived in darkness. Then you showed up and lit my world, and I can’t imagine ever goin’ back.”
“This is real,” I repeated, only it wasn’t a question, it was a realization.
“Yeah, baby. It is. But I’m warnin’ you now. You got your work cut out for you. I got a long way to go. I’ll break my back to make you happy, but there are gonna be times when I can’t keep it in check, and I fuck up.”
“That’s okay,” I replied, a huge smile stretching my face. “That’s totally okay. When that happens I’ll just put you in your place, then help you get through it.”
“You’re not gonna have a choice, ’cause I’m not lettin’ you go ever again.”
Bear, who’d been snoozing silently through the whole ordeal chose that moment to wake up and let out a low woof in agreement that made me laugh.
“There it is,” Xander whispered, brushing his thumb across my cheekbone.
My laughter died as I stared into his eyes. “There’s what?”
“My light.”
Yes, I thought as I leaned in to press my lips against his in a kiss that started slow and ended passionate. Oh yes, this is very, very real.
That hole I’d been living with inside me since my whole life was ripped from me eleven years ago was suddenly filled to overflowing.
I was finally whole. Totally and completely.
Thank God.