Chapter 23 #2
“Wait . . . That’s like, one of the highest commendations you can receive, isn’t it? Why the hell do you have it stuffed in a drawer?” I moved toward the bed, tucking a leg under me as I sat down beside him. “This is a huge honor, baby. You should have this displayed somewhere.”
His gaze shot to mine. “No. Shouldn’t have received it in the first place.”
“What are you talking about? Bryce, sweetie, this is something to be proud of.”
“It isn’t, Tessa,” he gritted. “I got that because half my team died in that goddamn desert, and it was my fuckin’ fault.”
My heart sank. I suddenly realized this had to do with whatever happened over there that took him away from me.
Reaching out, I set the small cross on the nightstand before turning back to Bryce.
Scooting closer to him, I sat back on my knees, and placed a hand on his thigh.
“Tell me what happened over there,” I pleaded.
His eyes shifted out of focus as he stared off at nothing, like he was lost in a nightmare. His chest began to rise and fall rapidly, his inhales choppy and short. And when he began to speak, I suddenly understood his reaction.
“We’d gotten word that the leader of a terrorist cell was holed up in this tiny village, so my team was sent in to take him out.
We were set up in a house not too far from this guy’s compound, surveilling and planning our next move.
There was this kid, couldn’t have been older than nineteen or twenty . . .”
He stopped, his throat bobbing with a thick swallow as his eyes went glassy.
“I fucked up. An empty fuckin’ street, not a person in sight, and then this kid comes practically outta nowhere.
I should’ve taken the shot, but I hesitated.
” When he looked back at me, the shadows in his eyes ripped my heart in two.
“I shouldn’t have hesitated. He was just so fuckin’ young. ”
The agony in his voice killed me. Suddenly hating the small amount of space between us, I moved forward and climbed into his lap. “I didn’t see the launcher strapped to his back.” He began to pant heavily. “I should’ve fuckin’ seen it. I didn’t see it.”
Tears leaked from my eyes as I took his face in my hands, leaning forward to press my forehead to his.
“Bryce.”
“Moss and Danielson died in the explosion.” That explained the nightmare I’d witnessed.
Craig Moss and Scott Danielson, the two other men I’d met with Bryce in Vegas.
“Hunter and I got pinned down when the roof collapsed. I came out of it with the scars you’ve seen all over my back.
He came out of it without part of his leg. And it was all my fault.”
The tears started coming faster and faster. “Bryce, honey, it wasn’t your fault.”
“If I had just pulled the goddamn trigger—”
My fingers pressed into his cheeks, cutting him off.
“I can’t begin to imagine what it must have been like over there.
What you guys had to go through.” I shook my head, agonized by the pain carved into every inch of his face.
“But to me, it sounds like you were simply being human. You saw a kid, Bryce. You didn’t know if he was a threat or an innocent bystander who was about to be caught in the middle of something really bad. You couldn’t be sure.”
“Baby, we’re trained not to hesitate—”
“Bryce. You’re . . . human. All the training in the world can’t undo human nature or compassion. You thought he was a helpless kid. Unfortunately, he wasn’t. Has Hunter once, for even a second, blamed you?”
He breathed in through his nose and shook his head.
“I didn’t think so. Or he wouldn’t be here in Hope Valley with you, working alongside you. Your friends didn’t die because of you, honey. Hunter didn’t lose his leg because of you. That isn’t on your shoulders. It’s on that kid. Solely on that kid, and I think, deep down, a part of you knows that.”
“Moss had a wife,” he croaked. “Danielson had little kids. Their families lost them.”
I sucked in a gasp. All of a sudden, I understood.
The reason Bryce left me was right there, out in the open once and for all.
“You’ve been punishing yourself this whole time, haven’t you?
You thought that, because they couldn’t go back home to their families, you didn’t deserve to come back to me. ”
His hands came to my hips, his fingers digging in. “You were supposed to be my reward. The light I had waiting for me when I finally got home. I didn’t deserve you.”
“Oh, Bryce.” Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I squeezed him tight as I cried into his neck until something dawned on me.
Pulling from his arms, I jumped off the bed and moved to my bags. I dumped the biggest one over and quickly unzipped it. The box I’d kept stashed was tucked neatly inside. Grabbing it, I moved back to the bed and resumed my position.
“What is that?” he asked as I flipped the lid open.
“It’s proof.”
His eyes came to mine, full of questions. “Of what?”
“That you’re more deserving than you’re willing to admit.” Reaching inside, I pulled out the first item. “This is the wristband from that club in Vegas. Do you remember that night?”
He stared down at the neon green scrap of plastic before looking up at me, his gaze darkening as the memories took hold. “I remember everything about that night.”
“That was the first time I ever felt beautiful. The way you looked at me, the way you touched me . . . I’d never had anybody make me feel like I was everything to them. But you did just that.”
I pulled out a cheap, tarnished ring and held it up with a big smile.
“You remember this?” Bryce’s body began to shake with quiet laughter.
“The night you proposed to Agatha Snoot. I’d never laughed so hard in all my life.
You gave me that, and you made it so easy.
I hadn’t felt joy like that since before my parents died. ”
I skimmed through the rest of the items, pushing aside the happy memories that came with them in search of the last, most important thing I’d kept hold of all these years.
Flipping the journal open, I turned to the page where I’d written down my graduation bucket list. Each item had a big fat checkmark beside it, and at the bottom of the page, written in handwriting that wasn’t mine, was the very last item.
“Marry the man who will worship and love you for the rest of your life,” I read out loud.
“I did that, Bryce,” I whispered. Dropping the journal back into the box, I reached up and cupped his cheeks.
“I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get rid of all of this stuff, but now I know why.
In spite of the years we were apart, in spite of the pain and heart ache, during that week, you gave me everything I had ever wished for.
You gave me the fairy tale I’d been holding out for without even realizing it.
So don’t say you don’t deserve me, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.
You deserve me. You deserve everything good there is in the world, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that to you if that’s what it takes. ”
His head turned, his lips brushed against my palm as he asked, “Does that mean I finally won you back for good, beauty?”
He’d promised to prove he could get this right the second time around, that he was a man who deserved my love.
Now it was my turn to prove I was worthy.
Climbing off his lap, I moved across the room, dropping the box back into the suitcase before going to my satchel.
I pulled out the divorce papers that were still inside, still unsigned.
I ripped them in half on the way back to the bed, dropping them onto the floor as I climbed back into Bryce’s lap. My husband’s lap. “You have me,” I told him. “All of me, for the rest of our lives. It’s you and me from here on out, Bryce. You’re my other half.”
Squeezing his eyes closed, he lowered his head until it rested between my breasts, right over my heart. “You’re my heart and soul,” he said, finishing the words my parents used to speak to each other.
I lifted his face back to mine and said, “I love you, husband.”
Just like that, the shadows fell from his eyes, and that light I loved so damn much returned, burning bright. “And I love you, wife.”
Those walls were long gone. I’d been fooling myself to think I could protect my heart from him. It was his. He’d been carrying it with him for more than ten years.
And now I knew, without a doubt, that I’d been in possession of his that whole time as well.