JORDAN
J ORDAN LEANED AGAINST THE tree, the rough bark of the pine digging into his back a reminder that he still existed, he still lived. At the moment, he didn’t know if that was a miracle or a curse.
The party continued on under the lights strung from tree to tree in Tyler’s backyard. People danced and mingled with the backdrop of the glowing house that his crew had finished a mere month ago. It didn’t look half bad. He would have to give his guys a bonus for the extra hours they put in as volunteers.
People in this area would do anything for a kid in need, and Krista needed her home to look like a home when Tyler brought her back. He scanned the crowd to find Krista dancing with Kami, her face aglow with joy.
He rubbed at his chest, reminding himself he had just been a kid, newly married, too young to understand what that commitment had actually meant, much less taking on a kid that wasn’t even his. His stomach soured. In fact, his entire midsection burned. He could blame it on the tri-tip or the macaroni salad, but he knew it had nothing to do with food or the internal workings of his body.
She’s good now. Look at her…it all worked out. Krista is finally where she should be.
The self-talk didn’t really help…not that much, not enough, but it was good to see that the girl he had refused to take on when her parents died was thriving and back home where she belonged.
Soft footsteps drew his attention to a woman in shadows coming his way, the soft sounds of a mewling baby giving her away. “Hey,” Chasity said as she joined him in the dark of the trees. “You okay?”
“Fine and dandy,” he said, forcing a smile to his face. “You?”
Her brow scrunched together in concern, but she looked down at her infant making soothing sounds as his eyelids drooped, popped back open, and drooped again. “Yeah,” she kept her voice low. “Just trying to get the little guy to sleep away from all the noise.”
“You’re not afraid of bears?” Jordan asked, adding amusement to his words.
She guffawed. “With all this racket?” She shook her head. “No, besides, I saw you come out here.”
“Oh, so you’re saying you thought I’d protect you from danger?” He waggled his brow.
Chasity laughed with a sigh. “Oh, Jordan. You need a woman.”
“Well, Megan’s out now. Got any other friends?” He chortled, but his eyes found Megan dancing in Tyler’s arms. “He’s a good match for her.”
“I agree,” Chasity said, shifting the baby in her arms. “Tell me about her.”
Jordan stiffened, every muscle feeling as if someone had zapped them with a taser, unable to loosen, gripping and holding, squeezing his bones. “Who?” Even his voice was tight.
“You know who,” Chasity said gently. “Your wife.”
Jordan breathed, slowing his breath, willing the oxygen into his muscles as he did while working to the point of exhaustion. Bit by bit, his muscles eased, his bones relieved of their crushing force.
He didn’t know if it was being at yet another wedding of his friends or the music that tugged on his soul or Chasity’s calm acceptance, but he found himself talking, forgetting who he was talking to, just letting the words flow out of him, like a dam that had finally released.
“This is our song, you know. We danced to it at our wedding.” He swayed a little. “She had looked at me with such trust, such love. We were young, right out of high school.”
“High school sweethearts,” Chasity said in such a soothing voice it didn’t seem real.
“Yeah. I started working with Pops, and she worked at the diner. We spent all our free time hanging out with friends at the lake, going riding, skiing…we were always doing.” He shifted his weight. “Life couldn’t have gotten better.”
“Sounds like you two were quite the pair.”
He nodded, no longer seeing Megan and Tyler’s wedding, but his own. Then it sped forward to the funeral. Man, the house looked different back then. “It all changed after Tabby and Dan died.”
Chasity stiffened next to him, but he only noticed in the way you notice the breeze making a branch sway.
“Tyler had arranged enough leave to see to the funeral, but he couldn’t leave the service…not without facing desertion consequences. He…he asked me and Caitlin to take Krista on.”
“Oh my…” Chasity sucked in a breath.
“She was just a kid. She had spent most of the funeral hiding under the table. I didn’t have the skill to do it. Caitlin wanted to. She begged me. I refused.” He turned to Chasity, willing her to understand, though he didn’t know why it was important. “It wouldn’t have been good for Krista. I wasn’t ready to take on a child.” He sighed. “I could have handled it better, though. It took a long time for Tyler to forgive me, but many letters later, he did. I don’t think my wife ever got there, not that she didn’t try. She did, she tried for years, but eventually, I think she lost the will to fight for me.”
“She blamed you for not being ready?”
He shrugged, leaning against the tree again. “I can’t blame her. I was quite rude about it. I let fear speak, and I told her I would never be ready to have a child, that I wasn’t father material, and if she ever thought to try to change that, she better just leave.”
“Ouch,” Chasity said in a hiss.
“Yeah, I was kind of a hothead.” He took off his cowboy hat and ran a hand through his longish hair. “You know what though?” He reached out a calloused finger, gently touching her baby who now slept peacefully, “Seeing all my friends having little ones of their own, having my business meet such success, and coming home to an empty house, save Buster of course, it makes me want to take those words back even more.”
Chasity kept silent for several moments, and he appreciated the time to process what he had said.
“Have you tried reaching out to her?”
“Only in the beginning. Her family made it clear she wanted out of my life. How could I argue with that?” He sighed, pushing off the tree. “Anyway, we better get back to the shindig before all the punch is gone.”
“You still love her,” Chasity said, following him.
“Yeah. I don’t think I’ll ever stop.” A shiver shook him from head to toe. He shrugged it off, along with a feeling of foreboding and loss, and set an arm on Chasity’s shoulder. “Come on. This is a wedding. Let’s go find that bride and tell her embarrassing stories about Tyler.”
Even as he said the words, though, he looked up into the starlit sky and another shiver coursed through him. He couldn’t shake the memories of Caitlin. They played havoc in his stomach as Chasity’s words echoed within the cavern of his heart.
You haven’t reached out to her .
By the time he made the lonely drive home, Buster yipping in his sleep, he had convinced himself that maybe he should try again…if nothing else, at least to apologize and tell her he was wrong. Was there a reason he couldn’t keep hoping on forgiveness?
Thank you for reading Hoping on Change!