Chapter 5
He wasn’t trying to hurt me.
Logically, I know that, but my brain doesn’t always logic well.
So, since I know that none of my pack would try to make me feel bad, why is it still so painful?
Sometimes I feel like such an idiot. A big, stupid, lumbering dolt that can’t even talk to people.
I try…I want to talk to people…but I always say the wrong thing.
It’s only adults, though. I can talk to kids just fine.
That’s why I want to be a teacher. Kids are awesome!
They’re all potential; they can do anything they want.
Be anything they want to be, and I want to help with that.
I want to help them learn who they are. I love my family, but they’re all betas and my teachers were all betas in high school.
Maybe if I’d had someone I could talk to who knew what I was going through, I wouldn’t be so bad at being an alpha now.
A soft knocking behind me draws my mind out of this stupid, morose spiral.
Al’s voice is slightly muffled through the cheap wooden door.
“Hey, Spence. I’m…I’m sorry, man. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Well, I mean…it was awkward, but…Listen, can you just open this door so I can apologize to your face?
I feel like even more of a dipshit trying to say sorry to this flimsy ass thing. ”
I turn around and wedge the door ajar around my oversized body.
The damned thing pulls in, and you have to nearly stand on the toilet to open it from this side…
or maybe just be tiny. I could stand in the shower, but then my socks might get wet, and nobody likes wet socks.
Al is standing just on the other side, and he looks like shit.
Not that I’d tell him that. Nobody wants to hear how bad they look, especially if they look bad.
Gonna guess the date didn’t go well then.
Plus, I know he’s sensitive about his designation.
People mistake him for an omega sometimes, and maybe my purring just made it worse.
I don’t know. Not like I can help it. It just happens when I’m worried, or stressed…
or happy. I try to stop, but it just comes out.
My sisters all think it’s funny, but they don’t have to deal with it. Not that girl alphas are common…
Shit.
What was I doing again?
Fuck…Al!
I look down at my pack leader. His family is normal—five alpha dads, an omega mom, and three older alpha brothers.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous sometimes.
My family did the best they could, and they’re super supportive.
But I still feel kinda dumb ’cause there’s a lot of stuff I don’t know.
Still, he stands there, looking mostly frustrated, but also kinda lost and sad.
I don’t like my people to be sad; they should always be happy, or at least content.
I don’t know if any of us are really happy at this point.
Paul’s been stuck on his ex for years—well, she wasn’t exactly an ex; they weren’t really together—and Al keeps looking for…
something; he doesn’t seem to know what or who he wants.
I just want somebody to love, somebody who can love us back, somebody I can finally be enough for, not just a huge walking screw-up.
That’s why Kelly’s such a sore spot. I’m happy she’s happy.
She’s sweet and kind and amazing. She never asked me for anything, and being near her was just peaceful.
Except I was always worried she was gonna get hurt ’cause, I swear, that girl trips on air.
Not that we were great friends, but I still kept an eye out for her.
I wanted to ask her out, but she was always so busy, and I’m not good at talking to people.
Still, she’s the first girl in forever who’s just been friends with me, not asking for anything. She didn’t want me to sneak her into football games or “try out” an alpha—that one’s always cringy.
I can’t imagine any of my sisters ever saying that.
I don’t want to.
Gag!
Shit, I keep getting distracted. Al needs me. He’s still waiting patiently at the door. Well, mostly patiently. He’s got that little line between his eyebrows that says he’s giving me time to work something out for myself. I don’t usually need that; my train of thought just gets derailed sometimes.
“Sorry…for purring at you, I mean.” I mumble out the apology I think he wants and his face falls.
“No, Spence, it’s not you. Truly. I’m just…
I thought that Emily wanted to take the next step, but when I asked her to meet you and Paul, she balked.
She said she’s not interested in a pack, and I told her I can only be with someone who would accept that you’re both a part of my life.
She never has to have the same sort of relationship with you that she does with me, but she said it was her or you. ”
My face must show my shock, because he reaches for me, taking my hand. “No, Spencer, you know I don’t react well to ultimatums. We aren’t together anymore. But I had seriously thought she might be the one.”
He swallows a few times and blinks rapidly.
“But that’s ok, right? We got this.” He has to stretch up to pat me on the shoulder.
“Anyway, Paul made soup for late lunch or early dinner…so come on out. You can tell me about the rice cooker on the counter…Or, oh, how did the parade go? Did you guys have fun?”
His voice is cheerful, but I can still see the shine in his eyes as he turns away and walks off. And I feel like an ass again for asking him to join our pack, though two single guys aren’t really a pack, so…making a pack with us? Semantics.
I follow Al out into the living room, and Paul is leaning on the kitchen side of the bar with a steaming bowl of some kinda soup sitting in front of him and half a grilled sandwich.
He’s the only one of us who really cooks, and even that’s kind of a stretch.
There’s an empty family-sized can that says chicken noodle soup on the counter by the sink behind him.
And an open loaf of bread, some lunch meat, and cheese slices beside him.
But he got us each out a bowl to cool, and the saucepan sits empty on the stove beside his elbow.
Al looks from Paul’s plate to the bowls of soup. “You didn’t fix me a sandwich?” Our oldest packmate just stares back.
“Fuck you, no I didn’t fix you a fucking sandwich.
I made soup, fix your own damned sandwich.
Fucker.” Paul cusses a lot sometimes. He doesn’t do it as an angry thing.
He just has to not say bad words at work, so I think he gets them all out when he’s at home.
Plus, he’s smirking at me and Al, so he’s not actually upset.
He just likes to say “fuck” a lot. In retrospect, I’m not sure Kelly would have been a good fit for our pack.
I mumble out my thanks for the soup and dig in, giving myself a fuzzy tongue.
But I didn’t realize how hungry I was. I love chicken soup; it’s so warm and cozy.
And it can go with rice, too…though I don’t think you have to cook the rice before putting it in.
Yeah…that could be gross. Still, I’m not taking back my rice cooker.
They’re both right, though. We do need to save up more for a house because we can’t have four adults living in a two-bedroom cracker box-sized apartment.
But we need nice stuff for when we get a bigger place.
Still, once we have a home established, we can start looking for an omega for real.
None of this halfway stuff. I wonder if Teddy knows anybody who might want to move to Mississippi.
Do they have an omega version of Tinder? Ugh, I don’t want to get any unsolicited dick pics. Kay said she gets those sometimes on dating apps. She still didn’t take me up on my offer to hunt the guy down and bludgeon him. But she’s one of my baby sisters, if I don’t stand up for her, who will?