Chapter Two
Charlotte
I wake to voices.
Soft. Familiar. Comforting.
I’m reminded of when I was a little girl, still haunted by the dregs of a nightmare. Back when my parents were happy and in love. They crawled into my bed, hugged me tight, and promised they’d keep the monsters away.
It was a lie.
The monster came anyway.
Yet, as I blink my eyes open and see them both clutching onto my hands, I can’t help but have hope again. Just like when I was six years old.
Mom’s eyes are closed and her face is puffy from crying. Dad’s forehead is lined with worry as he frowns. Neither is looking at me, just holding my hands, lost in their own world. I wish I could pretend everything was a bad nightmare. That Mommy and Daddy will keep me safe. That tomorrow I’ll wake up and we’ll go get ice cream with Hollis and Penny.
I’m not a child, though.
I’ll be a legal adult in a couple of weeks. I’m a young woman who somehow fell into the clutches of a monster and couldn’t figure out how to escape. These nightmares are my reality.
It would be easier to just close my eyes and pretend to sleep. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to face the terrible facts.
I let Ryan ruin my life.
He hurt me in more ways than I could ever explain. He shredded my heart and my dignity. He tore me down until I was reduced to nothing.
I can’t even remember where it all began. A date. One simple date. He was confident and forward and handsome. I liked his possessiveness at first. Made me feel special and cared for. But possessiveness turned into ridiculous jealousy. Jealousy turned into cruelty. Cruelty turned into hate.
“She needs help,” Mom says, her words a swift jab at my heart.
“I’m working on it.” Dad’s voice that normally never wavers, shakes enough to hear. “I didn’t realize the magnitude…”
“He’s a rotten sonofabitch.” Hearing Mom curse with such vehemence would normally be something to send her three children into a fit of giggles. I’m not laughing, though. Ryan is rotten and I understand her hate toward him.
“Yeah,” Dad agrees. “And Michael’s not much better.”
Michael Cunningham is probably worse than Ryan. Just hides it better.
“I don’t care that Michael’s a cop,” Mom bites out. “I want it known that she is not to see Ryan ever again.”
Dad lets out a heavy sigh. “After the accident, I don’t think we’ll have to worry. It looks bad on them.”
“Fuck them!” Mom hisses. “She may have been the one driving, but make no bones about it, Ryan did this to her. The drugs. The depression. The bruises.” Her voice cracks as she adds, “The baby.”
A sob chokes my throat as fresh tears leak from my eyes. I stifle a sniffle, not wanting it known that I’m awake.
“It’s probably for the best,” Dad says, his words barely a whisper. “Not that she’ll see it that way.”
My fears are confirmed.
This time, the sob escapes.
“Oh, honey,” Mom croons. “It’s okay. You’re here. You’re safe. We’ve got you.”
I flutter my eyes open to look at my mother, needing her to make everything all better. Dad squeezes my hand and kisses the back of it. Their eyes hurt too much to look at.
Ryan didn’t just ruin me.
He ruined them too.
“I’m sorry,” I croak out. “I’m s-so sorry.”
“Hush now,” Mom says. “Enough of that. We’ll worry about all that stuff later. Right now, we’re worried about you getting better.”
“What about Trey?” I ask, bracing myself for the words.
He’s dead.
I killed him.
“He’s critical. That’s all we know,” Dad grunts out, always giving it to me straight. “You’re in a heap of trouble, sweetheart, but we’re going to help you out of it.”
I hate that I’ve disappointed my daddy.
Every girl’s worst fear.
“I’ve held them off as long as I can since you were injured, but the moment you’re discharged, honey, they’re going to arrest you.”
Dad’s words are a punch to the gut, but I know I deserve whatever punishment I have coming to me.
“Don’t worry,” Dad assures me, “the longest they can keep you is forty-eight hours since this is your first offence. I’ll have you out as soon as possible.”
“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I whisper. “I ruin everything around me.”
“You don’t ruin anything,” Mom confirms. “You’re our sweet princess who lost her way. Daddy and I are going to get you back on the right path.”
I want to believe them.
It feels too good to be true.
“I’ve already called Samantha. She’ll deal with the legal trouble you’re in, but we’ll need to do our part to show you’re willing to get better,” Dad says, affixing me with a stern stare. “The drugs…school…”
Another tear races down my cheek.
I ruined my senior year by letting Ryan ruin me.
While my friends will graduate this month, I will not.
I’m a failure.
“I’ve found a rehabilitation facility that provides extensive therapy for those dealing with loss and abuse,” he says, pinning me with a pitying look. “It’s a good start, Charlotte, and one I think I can present to the judge when the time comes in an effort to lessen your sentence.”
I’m already nodding. I want to resume my normal life. Atone for my sins. Make amends to those I’ve hurt.
“I will go, Daddy,” I whisper, my bottom lip trembling. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” he murmurs. “Just promise me you’ll come back to us. That you’ll stay away from that family. We can’t lose you.”
Mom kisses my forehead that’s tender with bruises from the accident. “You’re not alone, baby. I know you probably thought so, but you weren’t. You have to talk to us so we can help you. You may turn eighteen soon, but you’ll always be our little girl.”
Somehow, I’m okay.
Physically that is.
The anguish that shreds me from the inside out is nearly unbearable. It helps being at home now, but not tons. Because while I’m away from Ryan, I’m unable to avoid Roan.
Trey is one of his best friends and he’s in a coma because of me.
Pain wraps around my heart like a noose. Roan came by with Hollis and Sebban, but he’d barely been able to look at me. I felt his disgust and anger. Because of his love for my brother, he kept it in check. Barely.
“You have a visitor, jailbird,” Penny says from the doorway.
Those two days in jail weren’t as scary as I thought. Aside from a few women trying to intimidate me, I survived.
“Hollis?”
“No, they’re stopping by later for dinner.” She pins me with a no-nonsense stare. “Roux.”
At the mention of her name, I shut down. Guilt threatens to swallow me whole. She was my best friend. Until Ryan grew jealous of our friendship. His fucked up threats had me cowering and avoiding her. The last thing I wanted was for him to mess with Roux.
“She wants to see me?” I choke out.
Penny rolls her eyes. “For such a smart girl, you really are a dumbass sometimes.”
With that Penny-ism, she bounces off, her blond ponytail swinging. I try to readjust myself in the bed to sit up. Everything is bruised and aching. Aside from a gash along my hairline that needed stitches and the multitude of bruises, physically, I’ll heal just fine.
It’s the emotional trauma of hurting Trey and losing the baby that will eat me alive.
“Hey,” Roux greets softly from the doorway.
Her voice does me in.
I miss her so damn much.
Bursting into tears, I press my palms to my face and release the dam. The bed sinks down and the best friend I crushed with my cruel words wraps her arms around me, hugging me to her. I cling to her, inhaling her familiar scent.
I’m so, so sorry, Roux.
If I could stop crying, I’d say those words. I’d tell her I was an idiot to let Ryan rule my life. That I’ll be a better friend if she gives me another chance.
But I can’t say those words.
My sobs turn into hiccups and then I can’t breathe. Everything hurts inside. The pain is a knife carving excruciating reminders on the inside of every organ and bone. I want to forget it all. To disappear into a haze.
It’s in this frightening moment, I fully understand what Ryan’s done to me. I crave the release that so many of the pills he made me take offered me. The darkness. The bliss. And I hate it. I hate him. It’s a reminder of the hell he’s dragged me through.
“Shh,” Roux chokes out. “You have to stop crying or I’ll never stop crying.”
I let out a crazed, tearful giggle as I imagine us crying forever. It’s then I can breathe again. One ragged breath at a time. Roux strokes my tangled, greasy hair and whispers assurances that I truly believe because Roux never lies to me.
Things will get better.
She does love me.
Trey won’t die.
The last one, she can’t know for sure, but I choose to believe it anyway. He’s in a coma because of the extent of his head injuries, but I hope one day he’ll come out of it so I can personally apologize.
At least there are other ways I can help Trey, or Dad can. Samantha advised Dad that him offering to pay for Trey’s medical bills would gain favor with the judge and she was right. When we had our hearing earlier today, the judge suspended my license for a year, made me pay almost ten grand in fees, and required substance abuse rehabilitation. He also mandated I take a victim impact treatment session, as well as perform one hundred hours of community service. The penalties could have been worse, so I feel like I got off easier than expected.
I’m not sure how long Roux and I lie here, but the room grows dark. Our crying has subsided. She holds me like she knows I’m shattered on the inside. Like she has the power to keep me together.
“I missed you,” I eventually rasp out. “So much.”
“I missed you too.”
We both grow quiet, aside from our sniffling that has started up again.
“I don’t know how you’re even here.” I swallow the ball of emotion in my throat. “After everything I’ve done to you.”
“It’s in the past,” she says. “Leave it there. All that matters is the here and now. The future.”
“I’m surprised Jordy hasn’t stormed in here looking for you. When I found out you guys got together, I was shocked.”
“He’s good to me.” There’s a smile in her voice that I envy. “He’d move heaven and earth for me.” She twists a ring on her finger. “Will you be my maid of honor?”
I take her hand, fighting tears once more. I missed so much in a year’s time. Roux went and fell for Jordy Martin. The same guy who once tried to drown my brother. He’s so much older. I haven’t really witnessed them together, so it’s hard for me to even imagine it. Jordy is so intense and often scary. Roux is sweet and kind.
“Of course I’ll be your maid of honor. Someone has to do your makeup so you’ll be the hottest chick in Horn River.” My joke falls flat.
She chuckles anyway, trying desperately, like me, to reach that place we once were together. “Penny sure as heck can’t be trusted with eyeliner.”
We both laugh for real this time and it feels good.
“There’s something else,” Roux says. “I know this might be hard to hear, considering what your parents told me, but I think it’s best to pull the bandage off.”
“What?”
“I’m pregnant.”
The words burrow under my skin, eating at me. She’s right. This is something that could have the potential to fester. I’m jealous and sad. It feels unfair that she’s pregnant and I’m not. I lost my baby because of my bad decisions.
I’m weak.
I let him break me.
I would’ve been a horrible mother.
My mind wanders to the pills in my jewelry box. Something to take the edge off. I have four or five. I could really use them right about now.
Because I’m weak.
I need to escape.
“Char,” Roux murmurs, threading our fingers together. “I’m sorry you lost your baby. I can’t begin to imagine how badly you must be hurting right now.”
The tears begin falling once more as I allow myself to grieve for the tiny thing I will never know. Roux cries too as she shares the pain with me.
I don’t know how to fix myself.
Everything is broken, especially my heart.
Roux tilts her head up to look at me with her bloodshot eyes. “You’re going to come back from this. You’re too strong not to.”
I’m a fraud.
I’m not strong at all.
“I hope,” I whisper.
Her fierce amber eyes glimmer with intensity. “You will.”
I will.
I have to.
The alternative is something I don’t have the strength to bear.