Chapter Twenty-Three
Trey
S unday night, I was worried. It wasn’t like Penny to not reply to me. By Monday morning, I was sick with terror, ready to kill Eli or Paxton or Grayson. I was sure they’d done something to my girl. When she rolled into her dad’s place like she didn’t scare the shit out of everyone in her life, I was infuriated. It’s Wednesday and I’m still mad, but the hurt is starting to sink its claws in to feed on me.
I’m upset that she’s hiding something from me and has effectively closed herself off. It’s not that I think Penny was off getting dick from someone else. That’s not her. This is something else. Penny lives by her own code. Whatever she did, she had her reasons for doing it. Just like she has her reasons for keeping it from us. The part that hurts is that she feels like she can’t include me in those reasons. She’s been allowed front row access to all my shit, but when I probe about what’s going on with her, the door is slammed shut in my face.
Earlier, at practice, she played hard but kept to herself. Even Sonya is getting the cold shoulder. I hate that she’s pushing everyone away. It only makes me want to discover what’s wrong even more.
I stare at my phone, wondering if I should text her again. Every text has gone without a reply. Sure, most of them have been me being pissy with her, but I expected something in return. Not crickets. It’s like she’s mad at me for worrying when I should be the one mad at her.
Rather than texting her for the millionth time, I tidy up Cal’s living room some more before going to the window in the dining room to stare out.
I have something a little more pressing to deal with. My Penny problem will resume in just a bit. Right now, I need to give my focus to this moment. To her. Zella.
Samantha called yesterday to let me know I’ll be having my first meeting with Zella. The social worker is bringing her over so we can meet. It’s something the judge is requiring. I didn’t tell Samantha I’d already met Zella. I’m anxious as fuck because if she doesn’t warm up to me, it’ll kill me. I never cared about being a dad until I locked eyes with her that day, knowing without a shadow of a doubt she was mine. Now, I’ll move hell and earth to make sure I get her in my life.
A sedan pulls up to the cabin, making my heart skyrocket. The driver side door opens and a woman with graying hair steps out. She opens the back seat, unbuckles Zella, then holds on to her hand as they approach the cabin. I open the door, trying and failing to remain casual. I’m buzzing with nervous energy.
“Hi,” I call out, waving like an idiot.
Zella doesn’t look up at me. She chews on her bottom lip, staring at the ground.
“Hello, Mr. James,” the woman greets as they climb the porch steps. “I’m Renee. This here is Zella Teejay Henderson.”
I kneel down in front of Zella. “Hello, Zello.”
Her brown eyes lift to meet mine and she graces me with a small smile. Recognition flashes in her eyes, but not fear. If anything, she seems pleased to see me. Relief floods through me.
“Please, come in.” I stand back up and usher them inside. “Would you like something to drink?”
“I’d like a bottle of water. Zella? You want some water?”
“We have water and also orange soda. I love orange soda,” I tell her. “We even have silly straws for when my little buddy Sebban comes to visit. Want an orange soda with a silly straw?”
Zella frowns. “I’m not allowed to have soda. My daddy says it makes me bad.”
Renee and I exchange a stare, then she nods at me, allowing me to proceed as I feel necessary.
“This soda is just fine,” I assure her. “Sebban is your age. He drinks it all the time and he’s a good boy.”
Her brown eyes twinkle. “I want a silly straw.”
I let out a relieved breath that we’ve dodged our first awkward moment. Quickly, I grab the drinks and a pink silly straw. I hand one to Renee and then open the can for Zella. She watches me intently as I put the silly straw in and hand it to her. They sit side by side on the sofa and I take the recliner. Charlotte and Cal decided to go to dinner to allow me this time alone with Zella, but I’m nervous and wish Charlotte were here to make snacks or something because I feel so out of my depth here.
“Zella, sweetie,” Renee says. “Remember what we talked about? Who Mr. James is?”
She nods, sipping her soda.
“Go on, Trey,” Renee encourages. “She knows. Just needs to hear it from you.”
My hands shake as I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “I once knew your mother Lacey. We went to school together. Do you go to school?”
“Morning pre-k now, huh?” Renee pats her on the back.
Zella nods, curiosity at my story shining in her eyes.
“We went to high school together. Since we, uh, liked each other so much, we made a beautiful baby girl.” I smile at her. “You. But then your mom had to move away. I didn’t know where you were.”
“I know this story,” Zella says, smiling. Her eyes dart around the cabin as though she’s searching for something.
“You do?” I dart my eyes to Renee and she shrugs. “Well, anyway, when I saw you at the doctor’s office, I recognized you. You’re my daughter, Zella. I’m your real daddy.”
“Your grandfather has raised you,” Renee says, “but remember what we talked about? That Trey here is your real father?”
Zella nods. “Can I call you Daddy instead?”
My chest nearly splits open with love I didn’t even know existed inside of me, threatening to spill from me. “Yes, you certainly may. I want to be in your life. I’m trying to make it so that maybe you can come live with me one day.”
Renee pats her on the back. “What do you think about that?”
“Right now?” Zella asks, her eyes once again searching my cabin.
“Not right now,” Renee says. “But hopefully soon, even if only half the time. Two homes would be fun, right?”
Zella flinches. I want to pull her into my lap to kiss and hug her. She barely knows me, though.
“Where’s your mom?” I ask Zella.
Renee frowns at me, but I need to know where Lacey is.
“Lost,” she whispers. “Will she find me?”
“Absolutely,” I say with conviction, though I don’t know for sure.
“Zella here loves to play with Barbie dolls,” Renee reveals. “Don’t you, honey?”
Zella nods. She glances past me toward the hallway. I think she obviously remembers me from the day Penny and I came over. It’s as though she’s looking for Penny.
Renee’s phone rings, so she excuses herself to take the call in the kitchen.
“Are you looking for Penny?” I ask, my voice low.
Zella grins, her whole face lighting up, as she nods.
“You can see her again one day soon,” I assure her.
She sips more of her orange soda, the tension leaving her body. I hate that she’s been with that fuckface Jack. She belongs with me. I could keep her safe and happy.
“I know you don’t know me very well, but, Zella, I swear I will be the best dad in the world. I already love you and would do anything for you.” I reach forward and tease her with a little boop on the nose with my thumb. “We’re going to have so much fun.”
“Will we go on adventures?”
I chuckle. “My life has been one big adventure and you’re a part of it. Of course we will. We’ll make Penny come along too.”
“And Mommy?”
“Once we find her, yes.”
She beams at me. “Can we go on an adventure now?”
Renee ends her call, catching the tail end of our conversation. She nods at me. “I have a few phone calls to make. Meet back in half an hour?”
“Thank you,” I tell her. “Come on, Mello Zello. Let’s go.”
She sets her drink down on the table and takes my hand. It’s so small in mine. Everything inside of me screams to protect this little girl with all I have. I know, in this moment, I’d step in traffic for her, slay dragons, fly to the moon. Whatever she needs, I’ll make sure she gets. Hand in hand, we walk outside. It’s chilly, but spring is on its way. I guide her down the steps and toward a path in the woods that leads to the river. I chatter about the things I like to do. Basketball. Camping. Barbeques with friends and family. By the time we reach the river, Zella has opened up some too.
“I love going outside, but Dadd—” She cuts off her words, flashing me a look of panic.
“I know it’s still confusing,” I assure her. “You’ve been calling him that your whole life. I’m not mad.”
“He says I can’t go outside,” she finally says, frowning.
“How come?”
“Someone might steal me.”
I force a smile even though I want to go pummel that asshole. “Your grandfather doesn’t know everything. I’m your real daddy. I will protect you and won’t let anything happen to you. We can go outside as much as you want. One day, when you come to live with me, I’ll even build you a swing set so you can go outside as much as you want.”
She giggles. “My very own swing set?”
“You might have to share with Sebban,” I say with a chuckle. “He’s a rowdy boy who loves to play outdoors too. But he likes to play with worms and chase ducks.”
Another giggle. It’s a balm to my soul.
“Can we go fishing?” she asks, pointing to the river.
“One day. My best friend Cal likes to fish and so does his dad. Maybe we can buy some supplies and they can teach us.” I grin at her. “Sebban can catch all the worms for us to use for bait.”
She’s all smiles as she plays on the sandy riverbank, digging with a stick as she searches for fishing worms. I spend every bit of that half hour Renee gave me watching my little girl. I’m in awe that she’s mine. When it’s time to leave, a deep ache forms in my chest. I want to keep her forever. Samantha assures me it’s all being processed properly. It just feels like it’s taking too long. Zella deserves to be here all the time with me. Safe. Happy. Loved.
“Want a piggyback ride?” I ask.
Zella squeals with laughter. “Yes!”
I scoop her up and place her tiny body on my shoulders. She gently holds on to my head unlike the way Sebban will try and claw your eyeballs out. I grip her legs to keep her from falling. We take our time making it back to Renee. When Renee sees us, she grins.
“Had fun?”
“Daddy is going to let me play outside all the time,” Zella tells Renee.
“All the time, huh?” Renee teases. “What about sleep?”
“We can sleep in a tent!” Zella exclaims.
We all laugh. I pull Zella off my shoulders, hugging her to me. She hugs me back, making my eyes tear up.
“It’s all gonna work out,” I murmur, hoping to assure her, but mostly assuring myself. “You have to trust me. Okay?”
I don’t want to let her go.
I have to.
With a quick kiss pressed to her forehead, I set her back down to her feet. “I’ll see you real soon. I promise.”
Her smile fades and the light in her eyes dims.
I take it upon myself to buckle her into her booster seat, saving Renee the trouble. Taking hold of Zella’s small hand, I give it a squeeze.
“Soon,” I vow.
“I don’t want to leave.” Her bottom lip wobbles as fat tears well in her eyes.
“I know. I don’t want you to either.” With emotion clogging my throat, I release her, trying hard not to watch that tear race down her cheek.
As soon as I close the door, Renee drives off. I wave at Zella and then a tear of my own leaks free. I’ve got to get her back.
We both need each other.
My body is trembling, even after I drop down onto my bed. I grab my phone and shoot Penny a text.
Me: I got to see her. She called me Daddy. Fuck. It sickens me to send her back to that motherfucker. Please call me. I fucking miss you.
Penny: I miss you too.
I almost can’t believe she’s responded to me.
Me: You can’t shut me out, baby. Come over.
Penny: Grounded. I have to help unload groceries. Later, Smash.
She’s still being short and distant, but this is a start. I’ve given her space, but I’m about to invade it once again. A world without Penny English feels too empty.