Chapter 3 #2
“I—” I begin, but the fight drains out of me, and I don’t know how to finish.
He’s right. Tuesday, as we’d run the other volunteers through ladder drills and SCBA maintenance, I’d tried to keep my distance. To keep things light. To protect myself.
It also was technically the day Erick and I broke up.
“I was great,” I say defensively. “I wasn’t upset. That’s what I’m telling you.”
He shoots me an unimpressed look and runs a hand through his chestnut hair, making it stand on end. “What’s going on?” he demands. “If I said or did something?—”
“You didn’t. Fuck, Rob. It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like? Because it feels like my best friend’s been pulling away and hiding things.” He takes a step closer, and suddenly, my office feels impossibly small. All I can smell is Abercrombie cologne. I want to breathe it in, to hold it deep in my lungs.
“I don’t—” I stop and squeeze my eyes shut.
Robbie takes a deep breath. “I, uh, had another appointment with Dr. Colburn today. Just a minute ago, actually.”
My eyes blink open at this topic change, and I look him up and down in concern. “Yeah? Did the cat clock drive you batshit again? Is that what this—” I wave a hand at the dining room. “—was about?”
Robbie’s shoulders relax just a fraction. “No. It went okay, I think. In fact…” He gives me a cautious glance. “Talking to her helped me understand what you might be feeling.”
“What I’m feeling? ”
He sounds so serious, so confident, I think, Please, baby Jesus, not now ? —
“Ames…” He takes my hands in his and rubs calloused thumbs over my knuckles. “If you’re worried our friendship’s going to change when I get married, don’t. We’re a matched pair, remember?”
He touches the spot on his biceps where his tattoo rests beneath his shirt, then grabs the spot on my arm where my tattoo is inked. Two perspectives of the same scene—nearby Elspeth Mountain in the Perseid meteor shower—drawn by my brother True.
A perfect, permanent reminder of our perfect, permanent friendship.
Robbie’s grip on my hand tightens, and a bittersweet craving rushes up from my gut to my lungs to my throat, searing everything in its path.
I want to cry. I want to rage. I want to laugh. I want to turn my hand over and lace our fingers together, to press my face against his chest and breathe him in until this ache subsides.
But I can’t.
And seeing Robbie, earnest and open, trying so hard to fix something when he doesn’t understand how it’s broken—when he doesn’t understand that I’m breaking it, and that every minute he stands here letting me breathe his air, he’s my unwitting accomplice—is going to be the death of me.
I step back, pulling out of his grip. “Rob, of course our friendship will change. It already has.”
“No! No, that’s what I’m trying to say. It… we… I want to reassure you?—”
“You’re getting married. Lissa’s going to be Mrs. Wojcik. Your house will be Lissa’s house. She’ll be your emergency contact. She’ll be entitled to half of your Marvel DVD collection and half your government pension.”
“I mean, yes, but?—”
“But nothing! Jesus, Rob. She’ll be your wife, which means she’ll be the most important person in your life. That’s what a good marriage looks like.”
“But that has nothing to do with you and me.” He looks like he’s in pain.
I get it. Every word hurts me too, but they need to be said.
“It does, though! I want someone like that in my life too. Someone who’ll look at me and say, That weird one’s mine . Someone who’ll belong to me , just the same. Someone who’ll always be in my corner?—”
“I’m always in your corner!”
Is he serious with this? I grab two handfuls of my hair and yank. “I need someone who’s in my corner and will suck my dick while he’s there , Rob !”
The words explode out of me like a concussion grenade, decimating all other sound, and the silence that follows rings .
Robbie’s eyes are huge, and he’s looking at me like he’s never seen me before.
“Look, I didn’t mean to say it like that, but… Christ, it’s not exactly a secret that I like sex, is it?” I demand.
Robbie doesn’t move. Doesn’t speak. Just stares at me, frozen.
“Wow. I broke you by even mentioning sex, huh?” I huff out a laugh. “You were the one telling me that I deserve someone all in. When I find that person, they’ll deserve that from me too. My love and loyalty, my attention. And sex . All the sex. So much sex.”
At length, Robbie swallows, but it looks like it costs him. “And you… you can’t be my person if you’re being their person.” I can practically see the thoughts whirling behind his eyes. The pain. He nods once. “Got it.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I’m panicking, and I’m lashing out. I’m saying all the wrong things, as per usual. But I genuinely don’t know what else to do in this moment besides fall at his feet and beg him to consider morphing into a bisexual with a fondness for bossy bottoms.
“So what does that mean for us?” Robbie asks quietly. “How can I make this okay? I love you, Ames.”
Just not the way I need you to.
Tears sting the back of my eyes. “I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t have all the answers here?—”
A knock on my office door cuts me off, and one of my servers pokes her head in.
“Ames? There’s a guy up front asking for you.” She lowers her voice and bounces her eyebrows. “A cute guy.”
Dear god. Somehow, I managed to forget all about Auden and our date. Doesn’t that just figure?
“Thanks, Xenia. Coming.”
“Yay,” she squeaks and shuts the door.
Robbie watches me with an odd expression. “A guy? Are you already dating someone else too?”
Fuck . I don’t want to talk to Robbie about Auden yet. But here we are, so I bite the bullet.
“I am,” I inform him. “A college friend of Eliza’s. We went out last night, and I like him. A lot.”
“But… you always said you’d never let your sister set yo u up.” Robbie’s words are tinged with surprise and disapproval. “You said there’d be all kinds of expectations if you did. You said it’d only embolden her to further matchmaking.”
I huff impatiently. “Yeah, well, I say a lot of shit, Rob. I changed my mind, okay?” I grab my coat from the back of my chair and squeeze past him without touching him, which requires some maneuvering, given his bulk.
He grabs my wrist, foiling my efforts. “Ames. Can we finish talking? Please?”
I can feel each of his fingers like it’s searing through my shirt into my arm.
I was so close. Just twelve freaking hours from freedom.
I’m not sure which of us I’m more angry at.
“Not tonight.”
I don’t give him a chance to reply before I pull my arm away and head for the front of the restaurant.
I also don’t turn my head to see if other diners clock Robbie stalking behind me, though they probably wouldn’t notice anything amiss if they did.
Just more Ames and Robbie, best friends forever. Nothing to see here.
Auden stands by the host stand. He’s about my height but not as muscular, and his dark jeans and green sweater fit him to perfection.
His blond hair’s a little windblown, his cheeks are pink with cold beneath his dark-framed glasses, and when he sees me, he smiles with genuine enthusiasm and interest.
Xenia was right. He is cute. And I refuse to let any lingering feelings for the man behind me fuck this up.
“Auden, hey!” I greet him with a hug .
Behind me, Robbie clears his throat in a pointed “A hem .”
I roll my eyes to the heavens. “Auden, meet my friend Robbie.”
“ Best friend,” Robbie corrects under his breath.
“Auden Fine.” Auden’s smile widens, and he extends a hand. “Nice to meet you.”
Robbie gives him a long, assessing look while they shake. “So you’re Ames’s date.”
He sounds like he’s two seconds away from asking Auden what his intentions toward me are, which is so un-Rob-like that for a second, I’m completely at a loss for how to handle this.
Fortunately, I remember pretty fast.
I intentionally step back, directly onto his foot. “Robert, remember our previous conversation about backing the fuck off?” I murmur sweetly.
Robbie grips my Henley from behind but otherwise shows no reaction to having his toes mashed.
“Yep, I’m the lucky guy! We’re going for coffee,” Auden volunteers like he can’t sense the strange tension crackling in the air. “Ames said Ruby’s Diner has delicious muffins.”
Robbie’s jaw tightens, and so does his grip on my shirt. “Did he.”
I manfully resist the urge to squirm as I sense the weight of his judgment.
It’s not like Robbie owns my enjoyment of Ruby’s muffins, even if he’s bought them for me occasionally.
Okay, frequently.
Okay, several times a week for years.
It’s not like it matters that technically I hate coffee because everyone knows “going for coffee” is a thing that doesn’t have to involve coffee at all. Jeez .
“Then I thought we could walk over to the community center, if you’re up for it, Ames,” Auden goes on. “They’re running a series of scientific documentaries, and tonight’s is Starfall: Stories of the Celestial Drift . I thought you might like it, ’cause of your cool tattoo and all.”
Robbie huffs, his warm breath ghosting over my ear, and my cheeks get hot enough to roast the carrots for tonight’s soup.
Who cares if it sounds like Auden got up close and personal with that tattoo, when he only knows about it thanks to a fully clothed getting-to-know-you convo in a public place?
It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
Jesus, it’s not like I’d be doing anything wrong, even if we’d fucked all night. And it’s not like Robbie’s actually jealous either. I don’t know what this weird mood of his is, but it’s not that . I’m being weak again, damn it.
“Sounds amazing. We should get going.” I set a hand on Auden’s back and turn him toward the door, forgetting for a moment that Robbie’s big fingers are still twisted in my shirt. He yanks me back before I’ve taken a step.
“Don’t forget I have you on Find My Friends if you need a rescue,” he whispers low in my ear.
Goose bumps chase up my spine, and I blink at him, confused. “R-rescue from what?”
He shrugs and darts a quick but baleful look at Auden, who’s turned to see where I am. “I dunno. Boredom. Cold. Serial killer stalkers. Whatever.”
I turn my head to stare at him. Then I shift my coat under my arm and take my phone from my pocket. “Lemme shut that off real quick.”
“What? No.” Robbie scowls. “Ames, we share our locations for safety.”
My eyes meet his. “Of the two of you, who’s behaving more like a serial killer stalker right now? You’re acting like I’m a virgin going on his very first date, and we both know that’s far from true.”
Robbie rarely argues, but it’s clear he wants to now. His jaw works, and his face is turbulent, like there are currents roiling below the surface. Monsters I can’t see.
“Yeah.” He backs off, lifting both hands in the air. “I’m being weird. Sorry. I’m gonna go apologize to those guys for overreacting.” He tilts his head toward Carlos and Erick, who are both watching avidly and pretending not to. “Nice to meet you, Auden,” he calls. “Have a good night.”
“We will.” Auden gives him a wink. It’s friendly, and maybe I’m reading into it, but it’s also giving a subtle shade of fuck you for questioning me . Not gonna lie, it’s hot.
I take a deep breath and give Auden a smile. “Sorry about that. We can?—”
Behind me, Robbie’s phone emits the distinctive blaring horn sound that means dispatch is calling, and he steps away from Carlos and Erick’s table, giving them a parting smile.
I stop from force of habit and turn my head. If dispatch is calling Robbie when he’s not on duty, something bad’s happening.
“Wojcik,” he answers quietly, already moving toward the front of the restaurant. “Go ahead, Arlene.” Then after a moment, “ Crap . Yep, responding now. Can you call James, and—? Right. Good. Thanks. I’ll update you.”
He slides his phone away and heads past me to the door.
“What’s happening?” I demand.
“Chimney fire on Belvedere,” he says without slowing. “Structure’s fully involved, and Greene fucked up. I’m heading over.” He pushes the door open. “Later, guys.”
“Wait! What’d Greene do? Do you need me? I can?—”
Robbie turns in the doorway and smiles—not his usual light-of-a-thousand-suns smile but one that’s a little off, a little… sad. It still hits me like a gut punch, but in a different way.
In a you’ve-fucked-this-up-Ames way.
“You let me take care of me, Amesie,” he says, quoting my words from earlier. “Have fun.” He gives us a final nod and smile, and then he strides out into the March night, leaving only a cold breeze behind him.
My chest constricts. That wasn’t what I meant when I said those words about taking care of myself. At least I don’t think it was.
The problem is, I don’t know what I actually meant.
I don’t know what being friends with Robbie without being in love with him even looks like. I don’t know how to put limits on a relationship that’s always felt limitless.
“Wow,” Auden says in a hushed tone. “Is he always like that?”
I blink away from the window, where I’m watching Robbie stride down the sidewalk. “Huh?”
“Your friend. Is he always so…” Auden waves a hand. “Scary-intense?”
I laugh a little. “Two words that have never been used to describe Robbie Wojcik, especially not together.” I pull on my coat and shepherd Auden out the door at last. “Rob’s super chill. Usually.”
The fact that he’s not tonight is a sign of how badly I messed up that conversation.
I struggle not to turn my head and look down the block for Robbie’s truck, to track him all the way to Belvedere Road, to wince at some of the stuff I said.
I need to fix this. And I will.
But for now, I force myself to focus on Auden. On our date, which will ultimately save my friendship with Robbie and get things back to where they always should have been.
Just twelve more hours , I remind myself. You can still make it happen.
Deep down, though, I’m starting to wonder.