Chapter 6 #2
“I… I don’t know.” I blow out a breath. “Mike lost his job again. Asked me to help with his rent, even though I’ve told him several times I’m not giving him money anymore.
He missed one daughter’s science fair and hasn’t been to any of the other’s track meets.
Then he freaking texted Lissa and asked if she could get him a loan since her dad runs the bank.
Which was mortifying. You know how Lissa feels about Mike already. ”
Dr. Colburn winces.
I look down at my hands. “I’m so fucking angry at him right now. It’s like he doesn’t care how I feel at all. Like all he wants to do is take from me. It makes me think Lissa and Ames are right when they say I need to just… stop interacting with him. Stop hoping he’ll be different. But…”
She ducks her head to see my face. “But?”
“Mike’s not all bad. Whatever’s going on with him right now, I want to believe that deep down, he’s still the brother I looked up to.
The one who was my only friend in those years when we moved around a lot before coming to Winsome.
” I swipe a hand through my hair, vaguely aware my knee’s bouncing.
“Mike texted me a picture the other day of us as kids, playing superheroes with tablecloth capes around our necks. He was the Thunderclap, and I was his sidekick, Echo. He always made time for me, even though he’s five years older.
And I just… I couldn’t help remembering that. ”
“Why do you suppose he sent you that picture?” she prompts gently.
I snort. “The second thought in my head after saying, ‘Aww,’ was Ames’s voice reminding me that Mike probably sent it so I’d feel guilty and send him money.
” I meet her eyes. “But there’s not another person on the planet who remembers those days.
No one else who knows exactly how it felt to grow up in our house, with our parents.
I love the guy in that picture. It would hurt to cut him out of my life nearly as much as it hurts to—” I break off.
“To have him in it?” Dr. Colburn finishes.
I take a deep breath and nod uncertainly.
She leans back in her chair with her tea. “Shared history is important. It would be a profound loss to not have your brother in your life. You can be angry and still feel that. You can choose to have no contact with him and still feel that.”
It’s a relief to hear her say that. To have her articulate it. But still… “I keep thinking, If you love him so much, Robbie, don’t let him down. If you’ll miss him, don’t cut him out of your life. If you worry about him being alone, be there for him .”
She purses her lips. “I’d suggest reframing some of that. It’s not your job to protect Mike from the consequences of his actions, is it? In fact, it might be a disservice. Consequences are often what help us grow and change.”
“Ames said that too,” I admit, shaking my head. “I’ve been so freaking sure Mike would get his shit together, and we’d repair our relationship, and then Ames would see…” I trail off.
“What would he see?” she asks, cocking her head.
“That I was right, I guess?” I roll my eyes. “That having my brother in my life, giving him so many chances, didn’t mean I was weak. That it showed I was strong enough to hold my family together.”
Dr. Colburn gives me a sympathetic smile. “From everything you’ve said, I doubt Ames sees you as weak. ”
I shrug. I don’t want to think so, though sometimes I wonder.
“But holding your family together isn’t your job either, is it?” she prompts.
“Well, it kind of is right now since Mike isn’t?—”
She shakes her head and leans forward, making her glasses slip down her nose a little.
“Sorry, but I’m going to stop you right there because this is important.
It’s not weak to give people grace, but it’s not strength to hold on to things that no longer serve you.
You can’t make Mike value your relationship.
In fact, you can’t control how Mike or anyone else feels or acts, full stop.
His emotions and his reactions aren’t yours to manage. ”
Fuck . I know she’s right about this too, though I hate it.
I make a face, and she laughs out loud.
“I know. It’s a bummer,” she agrees. “But on the flip side, you can control your own actions. You can decide where to draw boundaries—like the financial boundary you already drew. You can decide what you want, what you need, what you can live with, and what you can’t live without.
And I promise that once you’ve aligned your actions to your priorities, it will get a little easier to handle other people’s unhappiness. ”
“Not sure that’s true when it means losing my family,” I say woodenly.
Dr. Colburn frowns. “You’ve mentioned this a couple of times, Robbie—this idea of losing and keeping family. I want to challenge that perception. Do you need to have Mike in your life in order to have a family?”
“You mean because I’d still have my nieces? I guess that’s true.” I shrug. “Unless Mike was feeling really petty and wanted to keep them from me. But even then, their mom would make sure I could see them. Anna’s terrific. She’s a nurse over at?—”
“Your nieces, sure,” the doctor interrupts.
“But what about Lissa’s family? You’ll have them, right?
And the Axfords, who’ve made you part of their weekly dinners?
It certainly sounds like they consider you family.
Or your crew at the station? I know you care for them deeply.
And it’s obvious how much Ames means to you. Isn’t he like a brother?”
“Uh.” My cheeks flame, and I fidget in my seat.
I need someone who’s in my corner and can suck my…
“Not a brother, no.” Not these days, for damn sure. “I think I get what you mean, though. And yeah, Ames’s family have always been really good to me. They go out of their way to make me feel included. But it’s not the same as having a real family, is it?”
She cocks her head again, and the beads on her glasses chain clink.
“What makes someone family? Is it genetics and shared history? Or is it people who care about your well-being, who make sure you feel included, who show up for you consistently, who know how to take and give? Which kind of family is real ?”
“I…” I open my mouth, then close it again. I stare at the cat clock, my overloaded brain suddenly moving at its exact tick- schlock pace.
I know she didn’t mean to, necessarily, but it feels like Dr. Colburn’s thrown the facts of my life into the air like confetti. I don’t know how to put them back in order.
And the woman’s not done.
She sits back in her chair with a smile, like she can see my brain’s chugging and she’s happy about it. “Robbie, the question you asked at the start of our session, about whether people can change at their core?”
I blink, trying to remember what I’d even been talking about then. It feels like this appointment started a week ago, even if the cat clock disagrees. “Yeah?”
“I think the best you can do is respond to what’s true today . Don’t get stuck thinking about what was true in the past or what might happen in some idealized future. People will show you who they are. You just have to believe it.”
I manage to nod, but her advice hits harder than it should.
Because I know she’s talking about Mike…
But I was talking about me when I asked that question.
I’m walking down Whether Street a little while later, only half paying attention to where I’m going because my mind is still riding a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Every time I have a thought about what family means, I think of Mike.
Then I think of the Axfords. Which, of course, makes me think of Ames.
Which makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to sit next to him again without feeling tiny zaps of want.
Which makes me think about what I feel for Lissa, and whether it’s ever been like that…
Which makes me think I’m definitely, definitely letting someone down here.
And that feels like my responsibility, no matter what Dr. Colburn says.
I’ve just passed Fox Creamery on my way to the station when Ames and Auden walk out of Watchfire, half a block down.
They don’t see me because they’re focused on their conversation.
Ames’s dark curls glint in the afternoon sunshine as he leans down and says something that makes Auden cover his mouth to hide his laugh.
He’s fair and pale and a little nerdy, and Ames, as usual, is doing his impression of a Greek god—whichever one’s the hottest and fiercest.
I hate to admit it, but they look good together.
At the very least, neither one of them looks confused about how they feel about each other. Neither one of them is undergoing multiple personal earthquakes.
Auden bleeps the locks on a car and starts walking across the street, sure Ames is beside him. But at the last second, Ames pauses with his foot dangling off the curb and turns toward me like he senses me there.
“Robbie! Hey!” He waves at me and gives me a smile that’s so big and warm and welcoming, his eyes crease at the corners.
Fierce , I think, but not to me .
Quickly followed by, god, he’s beautiful.
I want nothing more than to be going wherever he’s going, just so he can smile at me some more. I want to know what joke he told Auden, because deep down, I think I should get to hear all his jokes. I want to touch his face and smell his hair and kiss his lips.
Which means I am a certifiable mess right now.
Am I bisexual? Or just a horny bastard and a jealous friend?
If I’m bi… am I still getting married to Lissa? Plenty of people do, I know. Ames’s brother True is bi, and he was ma rried to a woman. But that doesn’t solve the problem of me getting hard every time Ames is near me these days. And if I’m not, am I ready to hurt Lissa that way?
And if I did call off the wedding, then what?
Should I text Ames more pictures of my abs and underwear?
Because I swear I sent that picture without thinking the other night, and was mortified when I realized, but then immediately started obsessing about what he thought when he saw it.
Should I—the least romantic human in the universe, and if you don’t believe me, ask Lissa—plan some kind of romantic date to tell Ames how I feel?
Should I pretend I don’t remember how many times Ames has told me that it’s gross for a straight guy to assume his gay friend wants him?
How many times do you have to fantasize about touching your best friend’s dick before you’re willing to risk the most important friendship you’ll ever have?
“Rob? Babe, are you okay?” Ames asks again, and I realize I’ve been standing there staring at him so long, Auden’s walked back across the street.
Auden takes Ames’s hand, and Ames blinks down at it for a second like he forgot Auden was there… before taking a deep breath and threading their fingers together.
I swallow hard against the need to rip Auden’s hand away from Ames and possibly off his body.
“Yeah,” I say roughly. “I’m fine. Sorry. I was just thinking about… stuff. I’ve gotta get to the station.”
I march past them up the street and force myself not to turn around to see if Ames is still watching me.
I really wish I could gain some clarity on all this shit in my brain so I can figure out my priorities like Dr. Colburn said, but I don’t see how that’s going to happen.