Chapter 12 #2
“Yeah. That too.” I huff out a laugh. “Though I didn’t see that for what it was until recently. I loved Ames, but I didn’t know I was capable of… of being in love with him. And then suddenly, I looked at him differently, and I realized… his gender didn’t matter to me. It’s him that I want.”
“Physically too?”
“Oh yeah.” I feel myself blushing hotter, but I manage to continue because it feels important to say this.
To put it into words. “For a minute there, I questioned myself because I don’t feel attracted to every guy in the locker room.
But then I realized I’m not attracted to every woman I meet either.
Not at all. For me, it’s always been very… person-specific?”
“Totally.” She grips my hand harder. “I think lots of us feel that way.”
I blow out a breath and feel some tension unknot in my shoulders. It helps knowing she doesn’t think this is weird.
“Well, so, the thing is… Ames has always been my person. You know?”
“Oh yeah,” she laughs. “I think everyone knows.” She pulls a face. “Probably even Lissa.”
“Yeah.” I feel a pang of guilt for all the times Lissa was jealous and I told her not to be.
She was right all along. “It’s silly, thinking about it now, but I…
I didn’t realize how weird it was to be marrying someone who wasn’t the most important person in your life until Ames tried to give me space.
It felt like I was losing something necessary. Something I couldn’t live without.”
“Aw, Rob.”
“Yeah, well.” I roll my eyes at myself. “Even after realizing that, I didn’t totally get what was happening. You know me. I was still overthinking, trying to see things from all sides, trying to make sure I made the right decision so I didn’t let anyone down. And then the fire happened.”
I take a shaky breath, remembering those adrenaline-soaked moments when I pulled Ames out of the blaze.
“I realized that while my mind was drifting in circles, trying to avoid conflict, I could’ve lost Ames.
Lost him forever , Anna. And I knew then.
Everything else burned away, and all that was left was the truth.
” I take another breath, steadier now. “I love him.”
Anna’s mouth is pulled down in an exaggerated frown, and her eyes are shiny. “Fuck. That’s so beautiful.”
“I want to be as close to him as humanly possible, in every way. I want to… give him pleasure. I want him to give me pleasure.” I meet Anna’s eyes, but she’s nodding along, unfazed by anything I’m saying, and I say a silent prayer of thanks to Mike, of all people, because Ames is right—Anna and the girls are the best things Mike’s ever given me.
“I want everything with Ames. A future. A family. Every minute we’re allowed to have together. ”
She blows out a breath. “Damn. I was already Team Robbie and Ames, but this seals the deal.”
I laugh a little. “I mean… thanks? But it’s not quite a sealed deal. I know what I want, but I still need to, ah… communicate it, as my therapist would say. And then pray Ames feels the same. Haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to do any of that.”
“You need to talk to Lissa, first off,” Anna instructs. “Like, soon.”
I nod slowly. “Oh, yeah. No, I promise, I’m done with the back-and-forth. I’m all in. Lissa’s getting back from a trip to New York tomorrow. I’ll call her and set up a time to talk. It’s gonna suck, though.”
“It will. But not as much as living a lie. And it sounds like there were a lot of potential problems in your relationship aside from this. Stuff maybe she hasn’t even realized was looming on the horizon.”
“Icebergs in the water,” I confirm. “But after that… How do I talk to Ames? Like, ‘Hey, FYI, I’m not as straight as I thought, and oh, by the way, I think maybe my platonic friendship feels for you aren’t so platonic, and maybe haven’t ever been, I just wasn’t ready to see it?’”
“Yep. Just like that. Maybe make sure he’s not drinking water while you say it so he doesn’t choke.
” She laughs, and I do too. “Honey, it’s gonna be great.
This will be like Christmas morning for him.
Unless I’m wrong—and, let’s be honest, I’m rarely wrong—” She bounces her eyebrows and makes me laugh again. “Ames has feelings for you too.”
“I hope so.” I take a deep breath and force a smile, but I’m not nearly as confident. There are a lot of hurdles to clear here.
Like Auden, who seems really nice and makes Ames laugh, even if they’re on a “break,” or whatever Ames called it.
And the fact that I’m not sure what kind of a relationship Ames is looking for right now.
And hell, if I had trouble convincing myself that what I felt for Ames was real, it might be impossible to get him to believe it.
It’s not nearly as smooth sailing as Anna wants to think. Especially for a guy who’s just figured out where the rudder on his boat is .
Anna must read this on my face because her smile turns wry.
“Okay, I admit he might need a little convincing,” she allows.
“Because he’s stubborn as fuck. But I happen to know that as stubborn as Ames is, there’s no one more stubborn than Robbie Wojcik.
Not when you’ve set your mind to something.
” She ducks her head to meet my eyes. “So you just need to out-stubborn him, baby.”
“Just that easy, huh?”
She laughs. “Easy, schmeazy. Just that worth it .”
I turn my hand over and grip her fingers gently. “Thank you,” I tell her sincerely. “For listening.”
“Jesus, Rob. After all the help you’ve given me and the girls? Least I can do.” She stands and walks toward the sink with her mug.
“Ah… speaking of help.” I clear my throat and turn to look at her. “Mike asked me to give him the money to get his car fixed yesterday.”
Anna’s shoulders get tense as she rinses the mug under the spray. “Thought you weren’t doing that anymore, Rob.”
“I’m not.” I take a deep breath. “Which is why I told him to fuck off. And that I was blocking his number.”
“No!” She slaps the water off and whirls around with a giant smile on her face. “Oh, praise tiny baby Jesus. It’s Christmas morning for me too. Finally .” She crosses to me in a flash and wraps me in a wet-handed hug.
I blink and pat her arm. “I… I felt bad because he said he needed a car to help with the girls?—”
“Oh, please. ’Cause he helps so much now?” She snorts and pulls back. “If there’s actually a car situation—which I don’t know that I believe—Mike can rent or borrow a car if he needs to do something with the girls. That’s not your concern.”
“And if he gets mad and decides to not let me see the girls?”
“Then I’ll tell him to fuck off,” Anna says. “Gladly. You’re their uncle, Robbie. They adore you. Nothing’s changing that.”
I let out a breath. “Okay.”
She grins down at me. “Damn, boy, you’re doing all the hard things this week.”
I laugh shortly. “Better late than never?”
“There’s no deadline except actual death, Robbie.
Until then, we’re all just sorting our shit, trying to keep the bits that make us happy and lose the bits that don’t.
Just remember, we love you for who you are, not what you do for us.
” She wraps her arms around me again and hugs tight.
“It’s okay to focus on yourself for a while.
Talking to Lissa, being honest with Ames… that’s enough.”
After she leaves, I check on Ames and write him a note saying I’ll be back, then I take my spare keys and run to Ames’s apartment to collect his stuff.
I find a duffel bag in his closet and start packing—sweatpants, T-shirts, a toothbrush and deodorant and shampoo, the stuffed otter from his bed. At the last second, I remember his phone charger and go to retrieve it from his nightstand drawer. I’m utterly unprepared for what else I find there.
Three dildos in different sizes, with a lube bottle tucked alongside them.
My brain short-circuits. Heat floods my face, then spreads lower as I imagine Ames on this bed, his head thrown back and his hand between his legs? —
Fuck . Not the time, Rob. Hold your fucking horses, play your cards right, and there’ll be time for that later.
I slam the drawer shut.
I take two steps away, then turn back, open the drawer, and grab the charger I came for, refusing to look at anything else.
When I get home, Ames is awake.
“How’re you feeling?” I ask, chucking his duffel on the floor by the couch. My cheeks are still hot, and despite my good intentions, I haven’t been able to get certain images out of my head.
“Delightful. I was doing the cha-cha before you got here, but you missed it.” He glances at the bag. “Thanks for doing that.”
“No problem. I guess maybe I should’ve waited, in case you wanted anything specific?—”
“Nah. You always know what I want.”
My face flames, and I avoid looking at the bag to make sure the dildo didn’t somehow find its way in there.
“Sure,” I choke out. “Um. Medicine time. You need the bathroom?”
“I need a shower ,” he says plaintively. “A real one. My arm’s sticky from the tape where the IV was.”
“How about we wait until morning for that, and I do my best with a washcloth for now?”
Ames nods, and after giving him his meds, I grab a warm washcloth from the bathroom. When I come back, he’s removed his sling and is trying to pull his shirt off one-handed while his right arm—his dominant arm—is tucked stiffly to his chest.
“Here, let me.” I set the washcloth down and kneel beside him on the couch .
I carefully work the hem of his shirt up and over his injured arm first, moving slowly so I don’t jostle him too much. Once his right arm’s free, I pull the shirt over his head and down his left arm.
Then Ames is sitting there on my sofa, shirtless in the lamplight, and I have to take a second to remember how to breathe.
I think of all the times we’ve been together exactly like this—no big deal, just bros—and I don’t know how I didn’t see it.