Chapter 14 #3
I don’t give myself time to overthink, just wrap my hand around his cock like I would my own and lean up to kiss him.
He makes a choked-off sound. “You don’t need to?—”
“Fuck off, Axford,” I murmur against his lips. “I wanna make you feel good too. Unless you wanted to keep running your mouth…?”
“N-no,” he breathes. “I suddenly find I have nothing to say.”
I laugh a little, but then I have to kiss him again because he looks so good, so right, staring down at me like he is.
He puts his left hand over mine and guides me, showing me the exact rhythm he likes. The pressure.
“Good?” I ask against his mouth.
“Yeah. Fuck, yeah. Just like that.”
I watch his face as I stroke him, loving the way he gasps, the way his sharp eyes have gone hazy, the way his lips are parted and he’s panting unselfconsciously as he chases his pleasure.
“Robbie. Oh my god. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. Don’t?—”
He spills over my hand with a broken sound, and I work him through it until he grabs my wrist to still my hand.
“No more. Too much.”
We stay like that for a long moment—his hand on my hand, my hand on his dick, the two of us catching our breath while the world reshuffles itself to accommodate this, us , together .
Then Ames’s eyes meet mine, and he lets out a burst of slightly hysterical laughter.
“What?” I demand.
“Nothing! Nothing. Just… I’m still low-key thinking maybe I’ve re-concussed myself somehow? And I’m okay with it,” he adds quickly. “Just trying to figure out how to stay concussed.”
I roll my eyes. “Dumbass.” But because he sounds a little guarded and wary, I run my hands up his naked thighs, bury my head against his chest, and wrap my arms around him. “Too soon for concussion jokes, okay?”
“Yeah.” He strokes his good hand through my hair. “Robbie, I need to apologize.”
My head flies back, and I search his face. “How many times do I have to tell you, I wanted this ? Do I need to tattoo it on my fucking?—”
Ames pinches my lips shut and gives me a severe look.
“Not for this . For… earlier. For this morning. When you first told me you were attracted to me. I should’ve—fuck, you were coming out to me, and I shut you down.
I told you you didn’t know what you were talking about.
” His voice goes rough. “Not my best work. Not even close. And I’m so sorry. ”
I nod. “I appreciate you saying that. It’s okay?—”
“No, Rob. It’s not. I, of all people, know how hard that is, even when you have lots of people around you who are already out. Hell, because you have so many people around you who are out.”
His sardonic smile reminds me of the night he came out to me.
We were fifteen, and Holden had come out just that night at family dinner.
Beckett had been openly bisexual for a couple of years already.
Ames had cried in my arms, not because he thought his family would react poorly but because he’d be “another gay Axford.” Like he was following a pattern rather than recognizing something huge and authentic about himself.
“There’s no one right time to come out. And sexuality’s not static. I promise, I do know that.” He brushes my hair back from my face, then trails his finger along my hairline. “And more importantly, you should be able to tell me anything. I want you to.”
I take a deep breath. “It hurt,” I admit.
“When you said that. Because I’ve been up in my head over this, over you , for weeks.
I was scared to tell you because I worried you’d think I’d been lying about being straight before or something.
And I wasn’t. Not on purpose, anyway. It’s like I never…
let myself see it. Never let myself… want it. ”
Ames nods thoughtfully, which is kind of him since I still think I’m doing a shit job of justifying myself.
Like he can read my thoughts, Ames smiles easily.
“You don’t have to explain it, babe. I mean, I sure as fuck can’t tell you when I got bitten by the radioactive spider that made me Super Gay.
” He scoots back on my legs and manages to get to his feet without disturbing his bad arm.
“Anyway. Lesson one, in the books. You passed.” He slaps my leg lightly and gives a significant look to the mess of jizz drying on my stomach. “Now, hit the showers.”
“Lesson one?” I repeat, amused. “How many lessons are there, Coach?”
Ames’s laugh sounds a little forced. “That depends on you, I guess, right? You’ve got some stuff to figure out, and I want to, you know, help you do that. As much as you want me to.”
“As much as I want you to.” I stare at him, trying to understand what he’s actually saying. “So, you and I… this is…”
He gives an exaggerated shrug I know has to have made his collarbone burn painfully.
“I want to be your best friend, Robbie. But now that you’ve recognized that you’re open to same-sex relationships, you’re probably going to want to…
explore that with other partners.” It sounds like he’s choking on the words.
“And, Jesus, you were with Lissa ten minutes ago. I know you’re a serial monogamist, but still.
There’s a word for bouncing right into a new relationship. ”
“Hold up. You think you’re a fucking rebound ?”
“Maybe, yes.”
My heart sinks. For a second there, I thought we were on the same page. I thought Ames actually heard and believed me when I said I wanted to be with him. But while he seems to accept that I’m attracted to him, I see he’s not convinced that I meant it when I said I wanted to be with him.
I want to be angry, but when I see the fear in his eyes, I can’t quite get there. And for the first time, I think about what it must’ve been like if Ames had feelings for me, knowing I was “straight” and in a relationship with Lissa.
Fuck . The man deserves to be convinced. To be wooed. Deserves to have me prove my feelings to him.
Assuming he’ll let me.
“What about this?” I motion between us.
“This… is additional.” Ames raises his chin, which means he’s not quite looking me in the eye. “A friendship add-on. A gift with purchase, so to speak.”
Ames rarely uses that detached, take-it-or-leave-it tone, but when he does, it means he’s all the way disconnected. Retreated behind his force fields. It’s just disconcerting knowing I’m on the other side of the wall.
“Sounds good,” I say.
His eyes widen slightly, like he didn’t expect me to agree. “Yeah?”
“Sure, yeah. We’ll do it your way.”
Ames lets out a breath. “Easygoing,” he mutters like it’s a curse.
“For now,” I agree. “But hey, as a serial monogamist, I’m gonna need a few rules of my own. No Auden. I know you’re on a break right now, but you’ll need to stay broken.” I stand up, which puts me directly in Ames’s personal space. His naked personal space. “In fact, no other guys at all.”
He relaxes just slightly. “Okay. Yes. Temporarily. That’s… fine. And when one of us is ready to move on, no hard feelings. We go back to being friends.”
No hard feelings? The man is lying so hard I don’t know whether to laugh… or to cry.
“I think you mean best friends,” I correct.
I ignore the hollow ache in my chest because the man I want is smiling at me, his release is on my stomach, I love him and he loves me, and it’s okay if he doesn’t fully believe we can be together yet.
I give him a teasing grin. “So… what’s lesson two?”