Chapter Eighteen #3
Pops spends time asking us questions. About her.
About us. About everything. I was ready to fight and stand my ground if he pushed back on the validity of our marriage but, instead, he seems content to tell stories and listen to Lyndsey talk.
It puts me on edge, I was so ready to be on the defence that now I don’t know where I stand.
Lyndsey pulls another laugh from him but this one seems to hurt, the laughter shifts to a coughing fit so quickly it startles me.
Pops pulls a tissue from one of his pockets, clearly used to coughing this way.
The force of the coughing racks his small, frail frame until he is hunched in his chair.
Lyndsey jumps up to pour him a glass of water but I just freeze.
I can’t look away as he coughs and wheezes in front of me.
It’s a reminder of how ill he really is.
Behind all his stories and smiles there is something darker going on that he is hiding from, but we can’t hide from this.
A nurse shuffles in, quickly shooing us from the bed before helping Pops to stand.
That’s when I start to move. I go to his other side, helping his nurse to guide him to his bed, and Lyndsey stands at the other side of the room unsure of how to help.
I understand how she feels, I haven’t felt this useless since my parents died.
We barely have a chance to say a proper goodbye before the nurse is all but shoving Lyndsey and I out of his room.
When the door clicks shut Lyndsey wraps her hand around mine while the nurse guides us into a small office pointing at the sofa.
Instead of moving behind the desk the nurse sits down on the other side of the sofa – it’s less intimidating this way, but it also makes me think there is something big coming.
“I’m a direct woman. The doctor would probably be more sensitive but I don’t think we have the time to wait for her,” she starts.
“What’s happening?” I want as much information as she will give.
“He is sicker than he lets on, the medication isn’t helping him any more. His lungs are weak, and his heart is having to work harder than we would like.” Lyndsey’s hand tightens with each word out of the nurse’s lips. I hold her just as tight.
“So, what does it mean? Different medication? Do I need to get him transferred somewhere else?” My voice strains.
“Mr Anders…” The nurse softens her tone. “It could be weeks, it could be days,” she says delicately. Her directness is a harsh reality.
“Months?” Lyndsey asks, a tremble in her own voice.
“It’s not likely. William is a stubborn ox but he can’t run from time.
I’m sorry.” Lyndsey and the nurse continue to talk in low voices but I tune them out.
All I can think about is how my family is about to lose another person.
The final person we had to raise us is going to die and there is nothing I can throw money at to fix it.
I couldn’t save my parents from the drunk driver. I couldn’t help my grandma when age took her from us. Now I can’t save Pops, the last guardian in my life is dying and I’m as useless as ever. All I could do was lie to him.
I couldn’t be there when everyone else died, but I can be here now. It’s all I have left to give: my presence. Even if it isn’t as valuable as it once was. I can be here for my sisters as we face this together.
My eyes trace over my wife next to me. I hope Lyndsey is willing to be here for longer than was planned, because I can’t leave yet.
She hasn’t been in my life for long, but I’ve brought her into my world.
My family. My home. What would they think if my wife went back to Seattle when we need support most? Would they see through our fabrication?
It isn’t an option. I need Lyndsey to stay. I might just crumble under the pressure without her.
Lyndsey’s hand is on my lower back, guiding me out of the care home and towards the car. My mind is running through every option but her hands on me bring comfort.
“You’re a terrible liar, you should have warned me because, damn, you have no poker face.
” I know she is trying to cheer me up or at least keep my mind busy but I can barely force a smile.
“Seriously, Aiden, we will be found out if you say nope again, are you a teenager?” She tries again and that one does make me chuckle. Not a laugh but close enough, I guess.
“It just came out.” She just hums at that as we make it closer to the car.
“You’re going to be okay, you know?” She pulls me back to face her, not letting me get in the car.
“I’m not strong enough to go through this again,” I tell her after a moment. The admission is quiet but the words feel like knives against my throat.
“What do you mean?” Lyndsey slips both of her hands into mine, standing only a foot away, trying to catch my eye while I do my best to look away.
“When my parents died, I came home from college, I had to be here but everyone was crumbling.” I still refuse to meet her eye but I can feel her gaze against my skin.
“No one should have to bury their child, but Pops fell so far into his grief that he couldn’t help us with ours.
Celia cried for days barely understanding what was happening and Eden all but stopped talking.
Alice helped where she could but softness doesn’t come easy to her, she wanted to rage, to break things and yell at the universe so I had to be the raft.
I had to hold everyone together while hiding the cracks in my own heart.
I don’t think I can be the rock again, Lyndsey. It nearly killed me.”
“Then I’ll be the rock.”
Then my eyes meet hers. We lock intensely. There is no way she means what I think she does. “What?”
“Your sisters will need you but when the load gets heavy, give it to me. I’ll be right here, Aiden.
” One of her hands comes up to cradle my jaw, her soft skin rubs against my stubble.
“This marriage has done me a favour too, Aiden. We’re going to be free to go about our lives as we were meant to soon enough.
And no matter how stubborn I might seem, I’m not stubborn or evil enough to turn my back just because I have what I want.
I can joke all day long, but if you need a soft place to land, I can be that. You’re my husband after all.”
“I can’t ask that of you.” My voice is a whisper in the summer breeze.
“Well, I’m not giving you a choice,” she tells me, stepping even closer still, until we are nearly chest to chest.
I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but drop my forehead against hers.
Up close her green eyes have specks of brown that I can’t see from further away and it’s hypnotising.
I wish I could look at her this closely every minute of every day.
Lyndsey’s gaze holds mine as I silently take in the details of her face, the soft slope of her nose, the small scar above her right eyebrow that I wish I knew how she got.
I look at her fuller bottom lip wishing I could taste it, I wonder if she wears a tinted lip balm or if they have a naturally rosy sheen to them.
Every second I watch her I find something I haven’t noticed before.
I have watched her over the past eighteen months I have known her but I think forever would be too short to find out everything about Lyndsey Stone.
Before I know what I’m doing I feel myself drifting even closer to her, desperate to feel her lips against mine.
I need to feel the way she would melt under my hands or whether she would fight me.
My lips are a hair from hers when a phone starts to blare between us.
Lyndsey leaps back a few feet and jumps into the car while I pull my phone out to see Rook calling me. Irritation rattles me to my core.
Though it might have been better that he disturbed us. She might have kissed me back. We don’t need to complicate things further by kissing – falling into the unknown at a time when everything is already falling apart around me.
“Hey, Rook, what’s up?” I hope he can’t hear the tightness in my voice.
I try to pay attention as he asks about our trip and about Pops.
He continues to ramble into my ear as we get into the car.
I watch Lyndsey shifting uncomfortably in her seat, glaring at her own phone like it has personally offended her.
I link the call to the car’s Bluetooth to fill what I know will be a tense silence, letting Rook distract us from what almost happened.
What can’t happen.