Chapter 10 #2
But what if it’s possible?
Van did not like the contemplative, almost puzzled look Joshua was leveling at him, as if he was actually trying to figure out how three people could be together. Sure, it worked for some, but Van had never seen himself in a poly relationship. Not ever.
Not that he’d given it much thought, because poly meant complicated, and Van simply did not have time for complicated.
Except, kissing Joshua a few minutes ago had been beyond his expectations.
He’d wanted to hold on and never let go.
To keep Joshua safe from the demons in his past and anyone who’d ever try to hurt him again.
And he still occasionally thought about Benji, with his big brown eyes and adorable energetic smiles. A very much taken Benji who needed a committed relationship with one guy. A guy who was not Van.
“You and I were doomed before we started,” Van said softly, hating himself for the lie. “I never should have kissed you, and I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.”
“Joshua—”
“I’m not. Please stop apologizing, or I’ll thank you again for Virginia Beach.”
Van bit back an amused smile. Joshua was not allowed to be cute and make jokes during such a serious conversation. “I’m going to go, okay? You should head back to the party.”
Joshua frowned. “Didn’t you come with Melody and Adrian?”
“I left my car at Adrian’s. It’s not that far of a walk, and I’m sure Adrian won’t mind dropping Mel off at home.” He’d text them both to make sure, but Adrian was a pretty laid back guy. Shouldn’t be an issue.
He stood, and then idiotically offered Joshua a hand up. Joshua’s palm was hot and smooth, and Van had a very hard time letting go, because his flagging erection really liked that heat. And no, he was not going to stand there and wonder how that hand would feel on his dick. Nope.
“Don’t be a stranger at Off Beat on my account,” Van said, surprised at the hoarseness in his voice.
Joshua seemed to struggle with his response. Finally, he gave Van’s hand a firm squeeze, then let go with, “I won’t.”
Van squared his shoulders, pivoted, and walked down the sidewalk toward the main highway. He worked to keep his gait as casual as possible, even though he was walking away from something potentially great.
Stop. I won’t be the reason they break up, and poly is too fucking complicated.
His phone rang before he was halfway back to the Westmore house to fetch his car. Melody hadn’t wasted any time.
“Where did you go and why?” she asked the instant he took the call.
“I’m not in the party mood anymore. Can Adrian give you a ride? I’m heading home.”
“Yeah, he can give me a ride, but what happened? You ran out like your ass was on fire, and then Joshua chased after you.” Her end of the line got quieter, so she must have moved to one of the bedrooms or the bathroom. “What’s wrong, honey?”
“I got upset about being asked to play, and I’m not unpacking that baggage right now, so don’t ask. I needed air. Joshua came after me to apologize for being pushy. We talked.”
And then I practically molested him on the sidewalk.
“If all you did was talk, why did Joshua go right to his room when he got back? He looked upset.”
Van groaned. His car came into view, tucked neatly on the street. “Promise you won’t yell at me?”
“Oh Lord Jesus, Van. What?”
“I kissed him.”
She didn’t immediately respond, which suggested she was counting to ten or something to keep her temper in check. A hypothesis proved true by her very clipped tone when she said, “For someone who hates complicated, you sure just stepped in a huge, steaming pile of it.”
“It was one kiss. He barely kissed me back, and as soon as he did, he came to his senses and stopped it.”
“Would you have stopped it?”
Van grunted. “I don’t know.” He climbed into his car, because it was weird talking about this stuff outside, when anyone could overhear him. “It felt so good, Mel. It’s been a long time since a kiss felt so good. So right. And Joshua isn’t sorry it happened.”
She made a squawking noise. “He’s not?”
“No. He almost seemed upset that I was upset, rather than upset about the kiss itself. Does that make sense?”
“A little, I guess. But it’s not like he can date you and his current boyfriend.”
That scary “what if?” look on Joshua’s face flashed back into his mind. “Not really.”
“Not really?”
“No, he can’t date both of us, because I don’t date.”
Melody went quiet. “If Joshua was single, would you date him?”
Yes. “I don’t know.”
“Honey, the fact that you didn’t say no means yes, you would. He’s got his claws in deep, and you need to get them out and get over him, before all three of your hearts are broken.”
“I know.” Van was clear on the implications of pursuing anything else with Joshua, and he didn’t want to be that guy.
Van worked with very clear parameters in his sex life.
He loved sex, and he’d had it with a vast variety of people over the years.
But he made sure each of his partners knew up front that it was sex and nothing else, so no feelings got bruised.
And yet, somehow, his feelings were bashed all to pieces, and all he’d done was kiss Joshua.
“I know how much this has got to suck for you,” Melody said. She was quieter, more reverent. “You haven’t put your heart out there in a long time, and it ends up getting kicked because the guy is taken. I’m so sorry.”
“It is what it is.”
“On the bright side, you’re only twenty-eight. Plenty of time to find the next Mr. or Mrs. Van Holt.”
Only took ten years this time. What’s the fucking rush?
“Thanks, Mel. Go enjoy the party, okay? Stop fussing over me.”
“I will fuss over you until the day one of us dies. Get some sleep, and do not have a sex dream about Joshua.”
Van laughed. “See you in the morning.”
He hung up and stared at his dark dashboard.
Still horny thanks to that stupid kiss, he had the very real urge to hit some of his favorite bars and find a warm body to spend a few hours with.
Friday night, even this late in September, should have good pickings on display.
Guy, girl, whatever, as long as they ended up naked in bed, riding Van’s dick.
“Fuck!” he yelled at the roof of the car.
After another minute’s debate, he started the engine and drove home.
Alone.