Chapter 14 #2
“For what?” Benji tilted Joshua’s head, so he kept eye contact.
“For being honest? I know my limitations in bed, believe me, and I’m starting to understand more why you wanted to see other people.
And don’t tell me it’s because of the whole ‘afraid to cheat’ thing.
You needed something I couldn’t give you. ”
Joshua nodded, clearly unhappy with the personality assessment, but it made perfect sense to Van.
Joshua loved Benji, and they had a strong emotional bond, but Benji had limits to what he wanted from sex, and that was okay too.
They weren’t always compatible in the one thing that set Joshua and Van on fire.
“Can you tell us about that?” Van asked. “The other people?”
“I guess it’s what Ben said,” Joshua said, speaking more to his lap than either of them.
“I love what we do together in bed, and I love how shy and awkward you are sometimes. It’s actually a huge turn-on.
But sometimes, especially when we were apart for months, I needed a hard fuck.
We all know I’m bi, so sometimes I’d bang a girl I was attracted to, or I’d find a guy who wanted to nail me to the floor, and it was a great release.
But like you said, babe, there weren’t feelings involved with those people. They were hookups.”
He glanced at Van, then Benji. “But there are feelings involved today.”
“I know.” Benji kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “Thank you for being honest. I think I always suspected you needed something more than I was giving, but it hurt to think about it, so I pretended it didn’t exist. That in the end it was enough that you loved me.”
“But it’s not?”
“I don’t want to lock you into a closed relationship with me that will inevitably reach a point where you’re unfulfilled and resentful.
That’s why I invited Van over. We all needed to clear the air and get on the same page about what’s happening between the three of us.
You and Van have chemistry for days. I would definitely like the chance to get to know him better. ”
The ghost of a future scenario flittered in the corner of Van’s eye, and then was gone. A scenario involving three people, happy, in love, and fuck the rest of the world. So fleeting and so fucking fragile he didn’t dare hope it might come true. “You want to get to know me how?” Van asked.
“In all the ways,” Benji said with a shy smile.
“I mean, I very much enjoyed kissing you, and I’d like to do it again.
I want to have dinner with you. Talk to you about your hopes and dreams. All the goofy things people do when they first meet and are interested.
” That smile faltered. “If that’s what you want. ”
The idea of getting to know both of these men, of being a part of their lives—hell, a part of their romance—terrified Van on a cellular level.
He wasn’t good at this. But he also knew, deep down in that dark place where he hid his loneliness, that he wanted this. Except it could all end so badly . . .
“Van?” Benji squeezed his knee. “You look like you want to cry. What did I say?”
“You said all the right things,” Van said around the lump in his throat. “But I . . . I haven’t been in a relationship since I was seventeen. I don’t know how to do this.”
“How old are you?”
“Twenty-eight.”
Benji feigned shock. “My God, you’re an old man.”
“Gee thanks. How old are you?”
“Twenty-two. Joshua’s twenty-four.”
Van scoffed. “Children.” The tease made them all laugh, which broke some of the tension in the room. “Seriously, though. Are you asking me to . . . What are you asking me to do?”
“Nothing you don’t want to do. Seriously, Van. I know this is sudden and kind of weird, but we both like you. There is chemistry here, between all of us, in different combinations. I suppose I’m asking you to explore that with us.”
Joshua was watching Benji with pride shining in his eyes, and Van could only guess it was because Benji was the one doing the asking.
Speaking up for something he wanted that was incredibly non-traditional and could be thrown back in his face.
Then Joshua looked at Van, and that pride shifted into desire, sharp enough that Van felt it in his balls.
Van sipped his beer to draw out his answer. Give him time to think.
“You don’t have to say yes or no right now,” Benji said. “It’s a hell of a thing to ask. Would it be easier if we all worked on the friendship part first? Maybe let the sex work itself out?”
A bit of tightness eased in Van’s chest. “I can do that. I would absolutely like to get to know both of you better, outside of the bedroom first.”
The smile that blossomed on Benji’s face was absolutely worth his answer. “Fantastic.”
“I like that idea, too,” Joshua. “So much, in fact, that you two are going to stay here and chat, while I go shopping.”
Benji’s smile dropped, his expression almost panicked. “You’re what?”
“Relax, babe, he isn’t going to molest you while I’m away.” Joshua pressed a kiss to his lips and stood. “We really do need more food, now that there are four extra people in the house. And you two have never really had a private conversation that wasn’t flirted over a bar top.”
“I promise to be on my best behavior,” Van said. It irked him that Benji was nervous to be alone with him, but on another level, also understandable. “I’ll keep my hands to myself at all times.”
“Sorry, that was stupid of me,” Benji said. “It’s fine, Josh, get food.”
Joshua grinned. “Requests?”
“Those pizza-flavored Pringles I like.”
“Good choice. Van?”
Van blinked. “What? I don’t live here, you don’t have to buy me food.”
“Habit. Part of my attempt at wooing Benji all those years ago was showing up with his favorite junk food wherever he was studying.”
He wants to woo me with food?
“You seriously used the word ‘woo’ in conversation,” Van said. “Dude, you’re losing points with me already.”
Joshua flipped him off. “Whatever. It worked with him. I guess I’ll have to dig harder to figure out your weaknesses.”
“Guess so.”
Joshua gave them one last, smoldering look at the door, then left. Benji noticeably tensed.
I’m an idiot, calm down, it’s fine, this is all fine.
Benji couldn’t stop himself from getting uptight now that he was alone with Van. Not that he expected Van to lunge at him or anything, but the guy was practically a stranger.
A stranger who kisses like a porn star and who just fucked your boyfriend. Calm down!
“Sorry,” Benji said, forcing his muscles to unknot themselves. “Is it cliché to say it isn’t you, it’s me?”
Van smiled, then eased off the coffee table to sit on the couch, keeping a respectable distance from him. “It’s okay. So pizza Pringles, huh?”
“I will inhale a can in one sitting, so I try to limit my purchases. Gotta stay in shape for my fans.” Not that he’d ever had major issues maintaining his weight.
If anything, he’d spent much of his childhood and adolescence as too short, too small, too effeminate.
It hadn’t done him any favors in school, either.
“How about you? What’s your food crack?”
“Will you think less of me if I say it’s sharp cheddar cheese paired with fresh grapes?”
“I won’t think less of you, but I might look at you funny.” He raised one eyebrow dramatically in what Joshua called his Spock Face.
Van laughed. “Sorry. I eat an extremely healthy, mostly raw diet. Things like dairy and meat are super-rare treats.”
“Because of your heart issues?” When Van frowned, he added, “Joshua told me. When he was trying to explain himself over that kiss last month.”
“Yes, because of my heart issues.” Van seemed to debate something.
“I left home as soon as I turned eighteen. The atmosphere was unbearable, so even though I barely had any money and no place to land, I left. Spent some time in New Orleans, and that’s where I finally embraced my sexuality.
I did it all. Sex, drugs, alcohol, partying, eating.
There was nothing I didn’t try back then. ”
“Sounds freeing.”
“It was, but I was hard on my body. After a couple of years, I got restless and started hitchhiking north, taking work as I found it. Those are what I refer to as my professional hobo years. My diet was for shit, and I started getting dizzy spells and tinnitus in both ears. When I was twenty-two, I woke up in a Kentucky hospital after passing out on the side of the road. They said I had hypertension, which had also led to adult-onset diabetes, which totally floored me. I always assumed adult-onset was only in overweight people, but apparently not.”
Christ, that happened at the age I am now.
Benji couldn’t imagine facing a serious health crisis at any age, much less so young. “You started eating better afterward?”
“More than that. I found a library and read everything I could about nutrition, which helped manage the diabetes. Hypertension is more complicated, though, because it’s stress related, and I was incredibly stressed back then.
And homeless. So, I took the meds they prescribed, got a job, found a room to rent, and I stayed put.
I learned yoga and that helped relax me.
Meditation, too. Cut out all the bad crap I’d been eating, went mostly vegan and raw.
It cost a bit more, but in the end, it was worth it.
After a year, my numbers were back to normal so I got off the meds. ”
“That’s incredible.” Benji had an insane amount of respect for the discipline it took to maintain such a healthy lifestyle—especially in a resort town where fried food and alcoholic temptations were on every block. “So how’d you end up here?”
Van grinned, and that devilish charm returned in the way his eyes crinkled at the corners. “I stuck a pin in a map of the States. I fell in love right away. Being in New Orleans gave me a love of the water, but seeing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time? It’s breathtaking.”
“I’ve seen the Pacific too,” Benji said, a bit smugly. “Army brat until I was fifteen.”