Chapter 24
Twenty-Four
ISABEL
Rocío is furious when I tell her what happened. Not the part about Kieran—that triggered another round of brow wiggling and insisting we’re into each other. The longer this goes on, the less I feel like I have a right to deny it.
There was something in the air between us last night. Something thick, something that stretched from him to me. I wonder what it would feel like to reach out and touch it. To surrender to it, whatever it is.
“Do you need me to pick you up?” Rocío asks. “I’ll kill Natalia while I’m at it.”
I laugh. As enticing as that sounds, I’m tired of the fighting and the bitterness. And I can’t leave—not now, not when Kieran is so close to finishing the painting. I’ll stick it out for him, if nothing and for no one else.
“You have a call with Dra. Gotiangco today, right?”
“Right.”
“Tell me what she says,” Rocío says. “You’re going to tell her, right? About Natalia?”
“And Jaime. And Kieran,” I say. “And I’ll tell you now exactly what she’ll tell me: I’m too unstable to be crushing on anybody. I should focus on myself before I get involved with anyone else.”
Rocío rolls her eyes. “The world is full of surprises.”
I hang up with her to call Mama and update her as I have every night before bed.
We’ve mostly been texting, so it’s good to hear her voice.
Then I send Amparo a quick message, just to check in and see if she needs anything.
She asks me for an update on my manuscript, and I sheepishly tell her I’m working on it—which is true, if you count scrolling on Pinterest for inspiration every chance I get as work. After that, Dra. Gotiangco calls me.
Rocío is right; when I tell Dra. Gotiangco what I’ve been up to, she sounds pleased.
“You’re making friends. You’re putting yourself out there again. You’ve come a long way, Isabel.”
A lump forms in my throat. I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear that. I was so afraid, so, so afraid, that I was doing the wrong thing, impeding on my own progress by being here, by getting involved.
“Now, of course, I’m not saying to put yourself in dangerous or harmful situations,” Dra.
Gotiangco says, “but you’re proving to be resilient in the face of distress.
I know it’s not easy, facing Natalia. But you’re taking the good with the bad.
You’re trying. You should be very proud of yourself.
Are you still keeping up with your medications? ”
I nod. Same time every morning with my first meal.
“And your journal? You mentioned you were writing.”
I hold up the cheap stack of notebooks I’ve been using.
They came in a set that cost me less than two hundred pesos and were a pain in the ass to lug around, but I can’t imagine ever going out without them.
The covers are near tattered from being tossed around in my bag and just general wear and tear.
There are several, because I like to keep separate ones for specific purposes, including my writing notebook.
Dra. Gotiangco encourages it, because it helps me organize my thoughts, and when my memory fails, we go over my entries together.
At first it horrified me, going over my innermost thoughts with my doctor. But now I’m used to it. I tell Dra. Gotiangco everything.
Or—well, most of everything, anyway. After I scrapped my initial idea, I write a lot more about Kieran now.
Things I’m not even ready to fully admit to myself: how handsome I find him, how much I like it when he gets annoyed at the others and stands up for me.
Those gorgeous dark curls. The stubble that grows back quickly every time he shaves.
There’s a shameful part of me that’s a little giddy, to finally be chosen over Natalia. It’s shit and I know it.
My anxiety creeps up on me. “But doesn’t it seem like I’m using her? For a summer vacation? She clearly doesn’t like me, and honestly, Doc, I’ve been trying but I’m not sure I like her so much, either.”
Dra. Gotiangco smiles understandingly on the other line. “She invited you there, Isabel. Don’t forget that.”
“I haven’t,” I say. “But that doesn’t mean I understand it.”
She shrugs. “Life is full of mysteries. We don’t always get answers when we want it.
Sometimes we don’t get answers at all. But what is missing in one moment will be found in another.
In time, you will look back and you’ll see how far you’ve come.
And it will all make sense to you. One way or another, it will make sense to you. ”