11. Chapter 11
Chapter 11
Samuel
I let the shift captain know I was leaving and headed over to meet Steven. He was already there waiting for me when I arrived, so I waved at him, letting him know I saw him, and went up to the counter and ordered a cup of coffee.
I wasn’t worried about telling Steven I was bi. Danni had known for years, and I was sure that he would be fine with it. I’d just never had a reason to tell him before now since play partners at clubs were the closest I’d come to a relationship with another man.
I took my coffee from the barista and then joined Steven at his table.
“So, how are the security cameras working out?” I asked.
“Great, actually. Thor sets them off every time he goes out in the backyard, but it’s kind of cool to be able to check in on him during the day. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? Has something happened with the arsonist?”
“No, there’s nothing new on that front.”
“Okay.” He took a drink of his coffee and watched me, waiting for me to tell him why I was there.
“Steven, there’s something I need to tell you.” I took a deep breath and had a fleeting thought that I could use a little bit of that calm that Mars swore he got from meditation right about now. He was looking at me, and I knew there was no best way to say this, so I might as well just spit it out. “I’m bisexual.”
He slow-blinked at me, and his brows furrowed. “Since when?”
“Since always.”
“Since always? Really? Does Mom know?”
“She does. I told her years ago.”
He looked at me, suspicion evident on his face. “Okay, and why are you telling me now?”
“Mars—”
“No, absolutely not,” he said firmly.
“Excuse me?” I raised one eyebrow.
“You heard me.”
I hadn’t expected him to be all excited about the idea of something going on between me and his bestie, but I hadn’t really expected him to react like this either.
“Steven, if you would let me finish—”
“No, there’s nothing for you to finish. Mars has had the worst luck with men, and he deserves better. He needs someone sweet, and kind, and gentle. Someone who will give him room to grow and figure out who he is. That someone is not you.”
Ouch . Nice to know what he really thought about me.
“There’s nothing going on between me and Mars, Steven.”
“Then why are you telling me this now?” he repeated his earlier question.
“Because I think Mars is interested in something happening and—”
He scoffed and shook his head, interrupting me again. “Of course he’s interested. He’s had a crush on you since he first discovered his dick, Dad.”
“He what?” I hadn’t picked up on any such thing until he came to stay with me a few weeks ago. Of course I’d barely seen him at all since the boys graduated high school ten years ago.
“Yeah, but just because he has a crush on you and you’re bi or whatever doesn’t mean you should go there. When he was a kid, his mom was really controlling in this weird, non-controlling kind of way. It’s hard to explain, but he didn’t have rules growing up. They’re all go-with-the-flow free-thinkers out at the ranch, or at least that’s the way it appears on the surface, but there were also all these expectations.”
“What kind of expectations?” I asked.
“You’d have to ask Mars. It’s his story to tell, not mine, but it was very much expected that he would follow the same path his mother had followed. Then, after he moved to town to live with his aunt, there was a whole different set of expectations. Of course, then she died and left him the shop, so now he’s on that path.”
“I thought he loved the shop.” Nothing I’d heard from Mars had ever given me the impression that he didn’t want to be running The Chrysalis Moon.
“He says he does, but I don’t know if he loves it or if he feels obligated to run it. But the point is, he’s never had an opportunity to figure out what he wants.”
“And you think I wouldn’t give him that opportunity?” Even though there wasn’t anything going on between us, it hurt to think that my son thought I wouldn’t want the very best for Mars.
“You’re bossy, Dad. You always think you know best, and once you get an idea in your head, you aren’t very flexible, and Mars is a people pleaser. I think you would steamroll him into doing whatever you wanted, and he would let you. He isn’t like Mom. He isn’t good at sticking up for himself.”
“You think that’s what happened between me and your mom? That I tried to steamroll her, and she stuck up for herself?” He shrugged, and I shook my head. “Steven, we’ve talked about this. Your mother is my best friend… has been since we were teenagers. Was I too bossy for her liking? Maybe so, but that wasn’t why we divorced. We divorced because we weren’t good together as a married couple, and she deserved more.”
We’d told him all this when we split up, but apparently, he needed to hear it again as an adult instead of as an eleven-year-old whose parents did their best to explain why they were divorcing.
“I wanted her to find someone who would love her the way she deserved to be loved. Someone who would look at her the way you look at Roxy. It’s that simple. I was never going to be that man, but Carlos is.”
“Look, what happened between you and Mom isn’t what we’re talking about. We’re talking about you and Mars.”
“And I told you there’s nothing going on.”
“Right, and you just decided now was a good time to tell me you were bi for absolutely no reason then?”
“No, not for no reason. Because I need to tell Mars, and I didn’t want him to feel like he had to keep it a secret from you.”
He cocked his head to one side and looked at me like he was trying to figure out what I wasn’t saying.
“Why do you need to tell Mars if nothing’s going on?”
“Because he’s made it pretty clear he’s interested, and if I’m going to explain to him why nothing is going to happen between us, I feel like I need to be completely honest with him. Which meant I needed to tell you first.”
I guess that answer satisfied him because he nodded and then gave me a familiar little smart-ass smirk that I hadn’t seen since he was a teen.
“So, men, huh? Roxy has a friend—”
I put out a hand in a stop gesture. “Nope, not going there. I don’t need your help finding a date. I’m doing just fine.”
Mars
After Mika and I made it back to the shop, I made a decision. I was just going to spend the night at the shop. The last thing I wanted was for Samuel to be uncomfortable in his own home, but I wasn’t in a good place just yet to laugh off the hottest kiss of my life as a joke to make him feel better. I needed a couple of days before I could get to that place.
Besides, the Samhain drumming was coming up, and I had plenty of work to do, especially since I’d wasted half the day looking for a place to live.
I was just about to text Samuel to say I wouldn’t be home when I got a text from him.
Samuel: Hey, sorry I had to head out early this morning. We got a potential lead on the arsonist. Anyway, I’m leaving work now since I went in so early. Want me to pick up some Thai food for dinner?
I reread the message twice. They had a lead on the arsonist. Samuel actually did have to leave this morning, and he wasn’t avoiding me. So maybe things wouldn’t have to be awkward after all. Maybe things could go back to normal until I could find a place.
Me: Pad Thai would be amazing.
I shook my head. It was obvious from his reaction to the kiss that I’d misread the situation and had only been seeing what I wanted to see. The smart thing for me to do would be to keep my distance, but the last few weeks had been like a dream, and I wasn’t ready to wake up. Even if he didn’t want me the way I wanted him, I could still enjoy our morning chats and having someone to eat dinner with other than Kismet.
I locked up the shop, got Kismet in her carrier, and headed to Samuel’s. I pulled into the driveway and parked behind his truck. I was sure he normally parked in the garage, but because I was using it for all my boxes of stuff, there wasn’t room for a vehicle, and he never once complained or said a word. He just parked outside.
I went in the front door and let Kismet out of her carrier. She headed straight for the kitchen while I stopped in the foyer to take off my jacket and my shoes.
I rounded the corner into the kitchen to find Samuel standing in front of the bar holding Kismet and giving her scratches behind her ears. She was leaning into the scratches, looking awfully pleased with herself, and I got it. I would’ve happily let that man pet me.
He looked up when I walked in and smiled at me. “Hey, Mars.”
“Samuel.”
He put Kismet down and motioned at the table where there were bags from my favorite Thai place. “Dinner is served.”
“Thank you. I’m starved, and I love Thai Garden.”
“You mentioned that the other day. You go ahead and have a seat, and I’ll grab us a couple of drinks.”
It took us a minute to unpack the food bags and divvy out the food, but once we had it all sorted, we both tucked into our food.
“So you said y’all found something on the arsonist.” I dipped a pot sticker in the sauce and then popped it into my mouth.
“It isn’t something that tells us who he is, but it did teach us a little about him. He made a mistake this time, and we’re hoping it’ll be in our favor.”
“Well, that sounds like progress anyway.” I didn’t know much about arson investigation, but I figured the more they learned about him, the better their chances of catching him.
Samuel sighed. “I just hope we catch him before he hurts someone.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes, and I knew the best thing for me to do was just to act like the kiss never happened. Yep, that would for sure be the best choice.
“I’m sorry about the kiss, Samuel,” I blurted out because when did my mouth ever listen to logic? Shit, that sounded bad, so the only thing left for me to do was to keep talking, which was what I tended to do when I was anxious. “I mean, I know you’re straight, and it was probably weird to have a guy kissing you, and—”
“Mars. Stop,” he said firmly, and I snapped my traitorous mouth closed. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“But—”
“No, no buts. First off, I’m not straight, I’m bisexual, and you aren’t the first guy I’ve kissed. Second, I kissed you… you didn’t kiss me. So again, no apologies from you.”
I stared at him dumbfounded for a second. Then I shook my head. That made no sense. If it wasn’t a gay freak out, what was the issue? “If you didn’t freak out about kissing a guy, why did you leave last night?”
“Because… this thing.” He motioned between the two of us. “It can’t happen, Mars. But if I’d stayed here last night, I wouldn’t have been able to help myself. Especially after that kiss.”
I grinned, choosing to ignore the it’ll never happen part and focus on the fact that he’d wanted more. “It was hot, huh?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, it was hot. But like I said, this can’t happen.”
“I hear you, but you know, just so we’re clear, why can’t it happen? I’m single, you’re single… hold on. You are single, right?”
“Yes, Mars, I’m single, but it just isn’t a good idea. You’re way too young to saddle yourself with someone as old as me. I’m set in my ways, and you’re still figuring life out. It would never work. I’d just be holding you back.”
Always so logical, my Samuel. But I didn’t hear the one thing that meant it was hopeless. He didn’t say he didn’t want me, and after that kiss, I was pretty sure he did, even if he didn’t want to.
“I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to know what I want, Samuel.”
His eyes flashed, and for just a second, I thought he might give in. But he took in a deep breath and shook his head. “You don’t understand what you’re saying, Mars. I require certain things from a partner—”
“You mean the Daddy thing, right?”
He froze mid-bite and looked at me. “How do you know about the Daddy thing ?”
I shrugged. “Steven knows, and what he knows, I know. But I can call you Daddy if that’s what does it for you.”
“No, Mars. You see, that’s the problem. I don’t just want you to call me Daddy. I want you to mean it when you say it. It isn’t just a game for me. It’s part of who I am. I’m controlling, bossy, and demanding, and I need a partner who wants those things, or it would just be a heartache waiting to happen.”
I’d known a couple guys over the years that had Daddies. I’d always considered it a game of sorts like role play, not really something that was a part of their everyday life, but it sounded like it was anything but a game for Samuel.
I didn’t plan on giving up now that I knew he wanted me, but this gave me something to think about. I wanted him, but the question was, did I want a Daddy?