Thirty-Four
Saylor
Although I spotted my car, I kept walking. I knew my limits, and driving in the condition I was in wasn’t safe for anyone. I needed to get away from everything. Find my will to inhale and exhale, get a firm footing on my reality, and understand what this meant.
The Closed signs as I made my way down the street began to create a pattern in my head. After lunch, some would begin to open while others still had too much damage. Sunday in a small Southern town wasn’t a bustling day for business unless you served up a meat and three for lunch.
“Saylor,” a familiar voice called, breaking into the fog that had settled over me.
I paused, glancing around until I saw a familiar face headed toward me.
Crow.
I wasn’t in the right state of mind to engage in small talk. The smile I attempted didn’t hit the mark. His brows drew together as he closed the distance between us.
“Are you okay? I saw you at the meeting on Saturday, and then you were gone. I’ve been worried about you.”
There was no answer I could give him. Was I okay? No. I doubted I would be again. This time, I had learned my lesson. I wasn’t that girl.
“I had something come up,” I lied.
He stopped a few feet from me. He saw too much. Looked too deeply. I needed to get away. This wasn’t something I wanted to share.
“Remember what I told you when you asked me what brought me here?” he asked.
I didn’t want to be insensitive. That was one of my faults. I was self-centered. I didn’t want to be. I tried to wade through the heaviness of my thoughts to find the memory. Perhaps then he’d let me leave.
There it was. I clung to it and blurted, “A girl. You followed a girl.”
A sad half smile that held something deeper than pain touched his lips.
“Yes,” he replied. “What I didn’t tell you was that girl had been dead for ten years. And it wasn’t her I came here for. When I lost my little sister, something in my head snapped. I did things I shouldn’t have. I chased a high that would numb the pain. It landed me in prison for manslaughter. When I was released, there was someone who had loved her just as fiercely, yet he had taken another path. He’d dedicated his life to honor her. He gave my parents something to cling to. He was everything for them that I wasn’t. I followed him. Searching for whatever peace he had found. Knowing I needed something. That my little sister wouldn’t have wanted that life for me.”
I said nothing, waiting on him to finish. He’d had heartbreak too. We all had. I understood that, but if he was trying to share his to help with mine, it wouldn’t. He didn’t understand that mine was very different.
“Saylor, my little sister’s name was Delana Berry.”
A whooshing in my ears, the sound of cars, some laughter in the background far away, all made sense to me. This…this did not. I said nothing while grasping at every moment that I’d spent around Crow. When he had interacted with Jude. Neither had acted as if they had a connection that deep. Yet they did.
“I, uh…wow, I was not expecting that,” I said just above a whisper.
“So, he has told you about her,” his tone sounded almost accusatory.
I didn’t reply. I hadn’t thought about how it would appear if I knew who she was. Had he walked me into that trap?
“And my parents are here. To see him. So, he’s shut you out.”
Panic slowly eased in over the pain. What did Crow know about Jude and me? What had he seen?
“I don’t think he’s treated me any differently than he has anyone else.” I wished that lie had sounded more believable.
Crow raised an eyebrow and tilted his head slightly forward. “Yeah, that might work with someone who hasn’t known Jude since he was fourteen.”
No, no, no. He couldn’t know anything.
I shook my head. “Jude is a priest, and he can’t do whatever you’re thinking. That’s not it.”
He blew out a breath, as if his sigh was too heavy. “You’re a beautiful woman. Those eyes and dimples. Heck, the lips too. You’re a stunner, Saylor, but you know that. A man might be a priest, but he still has eyes. You showed up, and Jude couldn’t stop looking. From the way you two have been throwing off pheromones so thick that I could smell them across the damn room, I’d say there are some vows he has broken or he’s about to break.”
I shook my head. No matter how much pain and agony I was going to suffer through because of Jude’s dismissal of me, I didn’t want him to lose what he cherished most. It would be his destruction.
“You misunderstood.”
“No,” he said, “I didn’t. And I’m not here to accuse you of anything. I’m here to tell you something. Simply because I can’t stand the thought of that pretty smile being replaced with the look on your face right now. So, before it goes any further, you need to know that Jude loved my sister like no love I’ve ever seen before and I doubt I will again. He adored her. He had older girls—hot, popular girls—throwing themselves at him. The guy’s always had that face. He ignored them all. No one but Delana. When she got sick, he was there daily. He gave up baseball and football for her. He gave up everything to be by her side. And when she died, that part of him went with her.” He shook his head. “I’ll never forget the emptiness in his eyes as he stood there, watching her be lowered into the ground.”
I had already heard enough of this from Jude. Why did I have to be tormented with more? Was it not enough that I’d fallen in love with a man who could never love me in return?
“He’s told me all this,” I said, wanting him to shut up. Go away.
“That’s surprising, but then maybe not. Jude puts her first, above everything. Even in her death. He gave his life to God because he didn’t see another path without Delana. And now, he’s a man, who sees a face that is impossible to resist. He might act like a man, but his heart is off-limits, and you deserve to be loved.”
Tears burned my eyes as my throat closed up. I wanted to scream.
Why did this one thing have to keep being hammered over my head?
I got it! I am not enough. I understand.
“I know,” I replied. “Trust me, I know.”
A pained expression touched his eyes. “I didn’t tell you this to hurt you. I was trying to warn you to stop that from happening.”
I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. “Too late. But then I wouldn’t have listened.”
Not wanting this man to see me cry, I turned and walked away. There was nothing he could tell me that I didn’t already know. It wouldn’t change a thing. The damage was done.