26. 26
I try not to shift too much as the officiant talks about love and sacrifice. How partnerships are forever.
Over the years, I have been to exactly one wedding since Brittany left. One of my cousins was getting married about a year after I found myself in a house that would never know her again.
My parents didn’t mean to cause me pain.
But pain was all I felt.
And everything I was trying to drown.
I was drunk before the wedding even started. Watching as my cousin made her way down the aisle, I couldn’t stop swaying. My dad’s hand was rough as he caught me when I almost took a tumble, scoffing behind me. But I had told them. Over and over I told them I didn’t want to go to a ceremony celebrating the thing that was ripped away from me.
“ But it’ll be good for you to get out of the house, ” they said. They probably wouldn’t think the six shots of whiskey I took to even get myself into the backseat of my dad’s old Explorer would be good for me, but what they didn’t know wouldn’t kill them.
This wedding is different, though.
Listening to this man talk about the beauties and hardships of tying yourself to one person doesn’t make me want to scream. In fact, Brittany’s and my wedding doesn’t even cross my mind.
All I can think about, all I can wonder, is if I’m ever going to do this again.
I want to look at Anastasia. It takes everything in me to keep my eyes off her.
Every minute golfing and getting ready I thought about Anya. About sleeping next to her. About how soft her lips looked this morning, even when she was scowling at me.
I shouldn’t have kissed her neck. But I was a man possessed and I couldn’t have stopped myself even if I tried. Her standing against the backdrop of the ocean, staring out, she looked so lonely. Like she needed to be held.
And my arms couldn’t do anything but give her what she needed. If I’m being completely honest with myself, as Sharon is teaching me to do, I wanted her in my arms. I’ve wanted her in my arms every night since our Desire Suite date.
Having her only a foot away from me all night, unable to touch her, unable to kiss her, was excruciating. It took every ounce of my self-control to not pounce on her as she walked up the pathway.
“Alec, if you’d please?” the officiant asks.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the note cards he had been agonizing over on the golf course. Not because he didn’t have them written, but because he was worried he would lose them. He checked his pocket for them every thirty seconds, not listening to us he’d probably feel better leaving them at the room.
He clears his throat and begins reading.
“Charlie, before you I didn’t believe in fate and never really thought I needed a partner in life. After we lost my mother, I think I subconsciously decided to not prioritize love after that, after watching my dad lose the love of his life. And then I met you. And you make me believe in all of those things. In everything good in the world. You woke me up to the beauty that is living a full life. Loving you is why I was put here on this Earth and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life fulfilling that purpose.”
A few sniffles from the audience reach me and I see Courtney hand Charlie a handkerchief to dab the tears in her eyes.
“That was beautiful. Charlie?”
She doesn’t pull out a piece of paper or note cards. She just smiles at Alec.
“All I’ve wanted, my entire life, was a love like my parents’. One that weathers storms and brings light and life into a home. But now I’ve met you, now that I have you, all I want is our love. You have believed in me when I didn’t. Loved me when I couldn’t. And stood beside me when you couldn’t stand in front of me. You’ve shown me I’m strong and capable. But there’s no one else on this planet I want to be weak with. I love you and I will until I take my last breath and beyond.”
Listening to my best friend swear to love Alec for life, I realize something I hadn’t at eighteen. That love doesn’t require unwavering strength and stoicism. That sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is be vulnerable. And maybe that wasn’t a lesson I was ready to learn, open to learning, until now.
The officiant pulls my attention back as he starts the part of the service we have all been waiting for.
“Alec, do you take Charlie to be your lawfully wedded wife? To love in sickness and in health. To cherish always?”
I can’t see his smile, but I can hear it in his “I do.”
“Charlie, will you take Alec to be your lawfully wedded husband? To love in sickness and in health? To cherish always?”
Her smile is beautiful and brings a tear to my eye.
“Hell. Yes.”
“With the power vested in me, I now declare you husband and wife. Alec, you may kiss the bride.”
He grabs Charlie’s face and pulls her in, kissing her to the wolf whistles of all the guests. As they part, they look out onto the faces of those they love and see love shining back on them.
“May I introduce, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Alec King.”
Raising their hands up, Charlie gives a whoop of happiness before taking her flowers back from Courtney and making her way up the aisle. I offer my elbow to the sable-haired spitfire and as we make our own way up the aisle, I catch Anastasia’s eye and give her a wink.
Pictures take forever. After all the wedding party shots are done, every guest is allowed to take a picture with the bride and groom, if they’d like. It’s a nice touch and I make a mental note of how relaxed the entire thing is with such a small group.
When Brittany and I got married, she wanted to have everyone she had ever known in attendance. I think we had over two hundred guests between family and the entirety of our graduating class. All I remember from that night was not even getting to sit down to eat or having more than a single bite of cake. All I wanted to do was to celebrate with her.
Spend time with her.
But instead it was like a second prom.
As the pictures finish, Alec and Charlie go off to the dressing room for a moment, having mentioned they would be changing before the reception. They had mentioned this to the guests as well, telling them they were welcome to change if they’d like to be comfortable. Charlie has always been incredibly caring about other people as long as I’ve known her and on this day, that’s supposed to be all about her, I love seeing she’s being true to herself.
The reception is set up in a pavilion on the resort’s property. Instead of separate tables, there are two long ones pushed together so we can all dine together as a family. It reminds me so much of House of Deceit and the meals all of us contestants would share every night, I get teary with nostalgia.
Courtney and I wait for Alec and Charlie at a distance from the party. Waiters serve the guests, seated at the table or mingling around the dance floor. The set up is simple, but romantic.
Flowers and candles are placed around while strings of overhead lights give the entire place a glow. Anastasia walks toward her chair, smiling and laughing at something Charlie’s father says to her as she passes.
“Not that my opinion matters, but I like her. And Lore said she bakes like an angel. She’s already agreed to let me help some at her bakery when I visit,” Courtney says, standing next to me .
I watch Anya ask Court’s husband if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him and when he indicates it’s free, she takes it, drawing the friendly man into conversation.
“Your opinion matters,” I say, looking down at the short woman.
“Not as much as Charlie’s.”
“I don’t think anyone’s matters to me as much as Charlie’s.” I think about that before correcting my statement. “Except Anastasia’s.”
“Can I give you an unsolicited piece of advice?” she says, grabbing my arm and turning me toward her.
“You act like I have any say in the matter.”
She snorts with laughter. “That woman over there? She doesn’t realize it yet, but she’s in love with you. And I know you’re in love with her. If you realize it or not, or are willing to admit it to yourself yet, I don’t know, but that doesn’t change the truth of the matter. Whatever you need to do so you can be with her? Do it. Don’t hold back and try to protect yourself. Give her everything you have.”
“And what if she doesn’t want everything I have?” I ask the dark night. If I make eye contact with her, it’ll make it too real. Too honest.
“Then that’s her loss, but she does.”
Before I can say anything else, like dispute the fact I’m in love with Anya, Charlie and Alec appear.
“What the hell are you wearing?” Courtney says, laughing.
Charlie is in a white set of footsie pajamas while Alec’s look like a tuxedo.
“Do you know we had to have his made custom? What kind of world do we live in that doesn’t have tuxedo onesies but does have a tuxedo t-shirt? ”
“A terrible one,” Courtney says, sarcastically.
Charlie looks at Alec with love and adoration written all over her face. “The first gift he ever gave me, other than picking me for the show, was a set of gold footsie pajamas.”
“Isn’t that precious. Alright, let’s get this show on the road. I’m starving and I want to get drunk and make out with my husband on the dance floor,” Courtney says, and we all start walking toward the pavilion.
Everyone stands, cheering, as they see us arrive. Charlie and Alec go to the head of the table on the right while Courtney and I take the left. Once we are all seated, the dinner is served. Drinks, conversation, and laughter all flow until finally, the DJ announces the first dance. They sway to the music, oblivious to anyone else in their vicinity.
“At this time, Charlie and Alec would like everyone to join them in their dance.”
Courtney’s husband immediately gets up from his chair, coming over to his wife beside me and holds out his hand. “Ready to shake a tail feather, my love?” he asks.
“Let’s do this,” she says, putting her hand in his. Before she lets him pull her to her feet, she whispers to me. “Go ask her to dance or I’ll castrate you.”
Not wanting to test her, I stand, making my way to the woman who has held my attention all evening. I’m almost nervous as I make my way to her.
“I think you promised me a dance,” I say, holding out my hand. She turns and looks up at me, smiling, and I feel my lips turn up in answer.
“I guess I can suffer through one dance with you,” she jokes .
Her hand feels perfect in mine as I lead her to the dance floor. Her arms come around my neck and I can smell her perfume. It begs me to press my nose against her wrist. My hands settle on her hips and while all my self-control goes to keeping myself from smelling her like a creep, I’m unable to stop them from sinking slightly lower than appropriate, and pulling her tight against me.
The music fades in my ears and all I know is Anastasia and how good she feels in my arms. How much I want her to stay in my arms.
“Anya, I need to apologize to you. For everything that happened at the finale.” She looks around nervously but relaxes when she realizes that no one is listening to us. She nods at me and I take it as a signal to continue.
“‘Sorry’ doesn’t even begin to cover the regret I have for the things that I said. I’d like to say that moment isn’t the person that I am, but the fact that it even happened means somewhere deep inside me that man is in me.
“My ex-wife left me. She rejected me. And I thought I was over it, but when you started rejecting me, my fight or flight kicked in,” I tell her, realizing in this exact moment Carmen was right. “That doesn’t make what I did right, or okay, and I am so sorry I caused you pain. I am working to heal the parts inside me that led to that reaction. I will do everything I can to do better.
“Because I want to see where this can go. For real. I even considered picking Carmen because you were the one I wanted for real and I didn’t want to propose when I knew neither of us were ready for that and breaking up with Carmen after the show would be easy. But I couldn’t reject you. I couldn’t let you feel that way and I figured after the show we could talk about what we really wanted and move forward. And then I hurt you even more. Will you ever be able to forgive me?”
We continue moving around the floor, but I know the song is coming to an end and I desperately need to know where I stand with this woman.
“Can I tell you why I said no?” she asks, her tone gentle.
“Please,” I beg.
“I wanted you for real, too. When I went on the show, I never thought I’d actually fall for you. I couldn’t say yes because I want my first engagement to be real.
“You had to ask someone to marry you, but I knew how much pressure would be on us. Getting engaged when we hadn’t even gone out on a real date? I couldn’t do it. I wanted us to see what happened between us in the real world. I rejected you, hoping we could agree to date.”
Hope, light and bright, flickers in my chest.
“We both did what we did because we wanted to date in the real world?” I ask. A part of me needs some reassurance that I heard correctly.
“Sounds like it,” she says with a smile.
“And you forgive me?” I ask, daring not to hope.
“I forgive you. But this is going to be the only time.”
I nod in understanding. And I do understand. I would never want to hurt her and if I can’t fix my broken edges enough so I don’t cut her, then I don’t deserve her.
“Can I ask you on a date now, then? I still want to see what could be between us.”
Her face falls .
“I think we should just be friends first. We were on a show where emotions were running high and we deserve to get to know one another without cameras in our faces.”
My heart falls a little, but the fact she didn’t say no keeps me hopeful.
“You can never have too many friends,” I tell her, and her smile seals one of the cracks inside me. The song changes to something faster paced, but we continue swaying at the edge of the dance floor. I will dance every minute of this reception if she will let me hold her in my arms.
“Beautiful wedding,” she says, conversationally. “Charlie’s dress was gorgeous. She looked perfect.”
“Not as perfect as you.”
Her blush is enchanting and when her lips part, I lean down. But as our lips are about to touch, she pulls back.
“Just friends, remember?” she says. I refuse to let the disappointment last longer than a few seconds.
“Sorry, yes, just friends,” I tell her. My arms relax just a bit, letting her gain some space but not run away.
“It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you, Parker. I do. But maybe that would make things too blurry?”
Her words make me bold.
“What if, maybe, we have a ‘what happens at the wedding, stays at the wedding’ night? When we get back home, friends only.”
I can see her thinking, mulling over my proposition.
“Tempting. I’ll let you know.”
“Deal.”
The night continues. Drinks flow and the dancing goes from cute and fun to down and dirty. Courtney gets drunk and makes out with her husband on the dance floor like she promised, grinding on him like they are going to make baby number two later tonight. Charlie dances around like a demented show girl, Anastasia trying not to get hit by a flying limb as she dances with her and Lorelei. Tank stands near them, swaying on his crutches, his attempt at dancing with his wife. Alec sits at the table, nursing a drink, but his eyes don’t leave his bride.
“She is an awful dancer,” I say, taking a seat next to him, my words slurring ever so slightly.
“Absolutely no sense of rhythm, but I didn’t marry her for her ability to dance.”
“That’s obvious. Congratulations again.”
“Thank you,” he says, finally looking at me. “How’s staying with Anastasia?”
“Absolute fucking torture, thanks for asking.”
His mouth lifts in a bit of a smirk.
“That’s how I felt every time I had to watch Charlie and you flirt for the audience.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t beat the shit out of me for kissing her, regardless that it was to sell the ‘romance’ to the people at home,” I admit. Somehow, we’ve never had this conversation before and maybe their wedding isn’t the place, but here we are.
“Because that would have hurt her chances. And I couldn’t step foot in the house or I’d be fired.”
“That didn’t stop you later though,” I say, referencing when he went in to protect her from the villain of our season that was oddly obsessed with her. And then them having sex in the library.
“I was still trying to follow the rules when you kissed her. I loved her by the time I went into the house. ”
We fall quiet, watching the group dance for a bit longer before Alec finally decides to take my best friend back to their room to sleep off her over exuberance. The rest of the guests begin leaving and I go find Anastasia as she says goodnight to Lorelei.
“Ready to go back to our room?” I ask, as she turns to me. Her cheeks are flushed and she’s a little sweaty, but she’s gorgeous.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
She puts her hand through my arm without a thought and I have to remind myself we are just friends as she leans against me on our way back to the villa.