54. Caelia
“What the hellis wrong with you? Are you serious?” I exclaim, though I am ignored.
Vanya had already handcuffed me to the inside panel of the car door before I could guess what he was thinking about. I didn’t have a chance to apologize to him for my reaction the first time I saw him. Since then, he has been avoiding me at all costs, always calling Kaz, even if he’s just outside the door. Avoiding my sight has become his mission, and it’s been maddening.
“Seriously?” I pull at my hand, but it’s pointless. Vanya presses down on the gas pedal, driving us God knows where. He sneaks quickly into the traffic. He replies with something, but he does it in Russian.
“I don’t speak Russian.” My voice is annoyed. He shrugs, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. “We shouldn’t have left Kaz behind.” I don’t know if he understands me or not. “I might not be useful right now, but you could have been. We should have stayed.”
I divert my gaze to the window, looking at the buildings we pass by. I wrap my free arm around myself, unable to ignore the pit in my stomach. I don’t want him to die, not at all. There’s still a piece of my heart that remains unbroken, and it beats for him despite his threats, his desire to possess me, and everything else.
“I told him to leave,” I whisper, my voice trembling. “He’s at war, and he was vulnerable staying there with me in that dreadful room.” I swallow hard. “He’ll be fine, right? Nothing will happen to him.” Vanya remains silent, but the lack of response doesn’t surprise me. “Listen.” I turn toward him, gathering the courage to speak. “I’m sorry for my reaction when I first saw you.” His expression remains impassive, and it’s unsettling. “It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with what I’ve been through. I truly apologize for panicking like that.”
I still can’t tell if he wants to harm me or not. I prefer to believe he won’t. Helpless and handcuffed to the door, I have no means of escape. My only solace lies in Kaz and the hope that, despite recent events, he won’t allow anyone else to hurt me. Perhaps Vanya doesn’t understand a single word I’m saying. All I’ve ever heard him speak is Russian. And maybe he does understand. It doesn’t matter. I’ve been confined in that room for far too long, alone with my thoughts.
“I refused to tell him what happened, and now he has stopped talking to me, you know? And it’s stupid, and I shouldn’t, but I miss him.” I have to tell someone, and he’s here. It could’ve been anyone else, but it’s him, and that will have to do. “I feel like my stupid heart will explode if anything happens to him, just because he was too stubborn and refused to leave me behind. I’m not useful to him. I know nothing about Mattia’s business. Where are we going?” Silence follows. I can handle that. “Nothing good will come from telling him what happened to me. He doesn’t need to know.” Vanya mumbles something I don’t understand. “You probably told me to shut up, but I’ll keep talking. Don’t mind me.” I took a moment to collect my thoughts. “He doesn’t need to know how Mattia watched as Ludovic raped me, leaving me wishing for death again and again. I can’t burden him with this.”
It’s my first time admitting this, and Vanya probably doesn’t understand what I’m saying. His eyes remain fixed on the road, his features tense, but they’ve been that way since I met him.
“He should move on. I have nothing to offer him. There’s nothing left of me.” I admit something that has only lived in my mind so far. “You know what the worst part is? I don’t know if any of it was real or not. I can’t tell if he was playing a role or if any of it meant something to him. And worse yet, I don’t know what I would do with the answer, regardless of what it may be.”
Would I stop fighting my feelings? Would I fight for Kaz? I don’t know.
“I don’t believe God concerns himself much with men like Kaz, but I still pray he will be all right.”
I have nothing more to say, so I fall silent. I return my gaze to the passing cityscape outside the window. Vanya stays silent.