Chapter Eleven #2
Well taken care of? That’s not the reassurance it should be. I suspect Mason simply means it in the way that this person owes him, so they will make sure I come back.
It’s a threat. I hear him loud and clear, and I don’t intend to cross him. I want our debt to be repaid. I need the video to remain a secret. By submitting to him, I know it’s the only way I’ll ever be free of him.
My heart beats faster as I think of how quickly this will all be happening. I was hoping to go home, but I didn’t know it would be so soon. I quickly prepare myself for the heartbreaking goodbye.
“I want you to have a clear mind,” he insists, “which is why I’ll give you time. But you must understand that you will return to me, and you will keep this a secret.”
“I understand.”
A hollow ache settles in the pit of my stomach, and I cling to it, letting the cold certainty of what I’ve agreed to wash over me.
There’s no going back now.
As I stand there, unable to meet his gaze, he leaves me in the library. I suspect he’s left me alone for a reason. I think he does everything for a reason. He wants me to think this through. He wants me to be scared of him. And I am, but something else is there, too, that scares me even more.
A part of me enjoyed being watched by him.
***
I try not to think of the weird feelings Mason has awoken in me as I get into the black SUV. Carlisle is in the driver’s seat, so I know better than to say a word. He scares me even more than Mason does, and the last thing I want is to provoke him. I just want to go home.
Going home is only a temporary solution to a much bigger problem. I don’t want to just go home; I want to stay home. And I know I can’t.
The thought of having to leave again—and for so long—gives me a heavy heart as Carlisle pulls up to my house. I get out as quickly as possible so my father can’t see me leave. Then, I run to the front door, anxious to be inside where I feel safe and loved.
Once I’m inside, I get a surprise as Noah rushes to me. He wraps his arms around me tightly and I feel comforted, warm, and guilty.
My mind flashes back to my last interaction with Mason. I was naked. I touched myself for him.
It wasn’t my fault. I did what I had to do to see my father and Noah again.
Those weird feelings, though, are something to be concerned about. They are something to feel guilty about. I can’t get them out of my head as Noah kisses me passionately.
“Is something wrong?” I ask as we part.
It’s not usual for him to be at my house when I’m not home. For a moment, I panic about my father. What if something happened to him while I was gone? Would Mason still make me leave?
I know that Mason won’t take pity on me no matter what happens. If something has gone wrong, I still owe him. Thankfully, Noah seems relieved by my presence.
“I was just worried about you,” Noah explains. “I went to see you earlier, but you weren’t at the diner. Which was strange, but I wasn’t panicked until your father said he hadn’t seen you. We were about to call the cops.”
“I’m so sorry I worried you so much.” I hug him again to reassure him that I’m here. “I’m safe. There’s no need to panic.”
I suspect he’d feel much different if he knew what was going on. He’d know everything isn’t okay. Something terrible is about to happen.
I search for the words to explain my impending disappearance as I step back and look at him. I can’t tell him the truth. I signed an NDA, and I know he’d leave me if he found out the truth. I can’t bear to lose him.
Noah and I have always been transparent with each other. I’ve never lied to him. So, I can’t believe I’m having to do so now. But I realize that’s what has to happen. I have to think of a good enough lie to explain my disappearance and make sure he doesn’t worry while I’m gone.
Fear and sadness take root inside of me as I realize what I have to do.
Noah has a bright future ahead.
He can’t be anywhere near me, and there’s no room for him in my life until I pay off the debt.
“There’s something you have to tell me.” Noah’s concern is bright in his eyes. “I can see it. Something’s going on. You know you can tell me what it is, Lo. You can tell me anything.”
“I know. It’s just… it’s not easy to say because I love you so much. I’ll miss you so much.”
“Miss me?” he asks. “Why would you have to miss me? I’m right here, and I always will be.”
I know he’s telling the truth, and that’s the hardest part. I know he’s here. He’ll always be here. And I know I have to leave him.
“I know. And I appreciate you for that so much. It’s just… I have to go away for a while.”
“What do you mean?” His face falls in defeat. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“No.” I touch his shoulder gently. He looks right at me, and it’s so difficult to lie to him like this. But I know it’s what I have to do to protect us. “I’m not breaking up with you. I love you so much; it’s just…”
I pause and take a deep breath, ignoring the hammering in my chest. “I have a job opportunity. I can’t tell you much about it. It’s confidential. But it’ll pay me the kind of money I’d never make working at the diner, and we need that money right now.”
I stop again and swallow as the pounding in my ears grows louder. “I won’t be gone forever, but I’m going to have to spend the next year out of the country. I’ll be making a ton of money. I’ll make enough to save the diner and the house. It’ll ease all our worries.”
Noah looks at me skeptically. “That sounds a little too good to be true. Especially if you have to leave the country. Are you sure this is legit and not some sort of sex trafficking thing or something?”
I think back to the club I’m supposed to work in. At least I won’t have to be doing the sexual things, just cleaning. But it’s close enough to make Noah’s statement ironic.
“It’s legitimate,” I lie. “I’ve done my due diligence to make sure I’ll be safe. I just have to work for the year, and everything will be better. We can be together and have the kind of future we always wanted.”
“I told you not to worry about this stuff,” Noah reminds me. “I have a good job. I can help pay for things.”
“And I appreciate that so much.” Tears threaten to fall at how sweet he is and how difficult it is to say goodbye. But he’s part of the reason why I’m doing this. My heart is being squeezed with each word. “I appreciate it more than you could know.”
Noah’s job isn’t enough.
It’s never going to be, and he deserves better.
Also, I’ve already signed over my freedom for the next year.
“It would take you a while to come up with the kind of money we need, and this will only take a year. And then you won’t have to worry about paying my father’s debt. We can go straight into our future without this hanging over our heads. It’ll make things so much better.”
“I don’t want to be away from you for so long,” he protests.
My voice catches, and I take a deep breath. “I don’t want that, either. But I promise to keep in touch. I’ll contact you as often as I can. We can both work on our own things for a little while and then enjoy each other even more when we come together again.”
He looks skeptical, but I know Noah. He’s not one to hold me back from something I want to do. He’s supportive and patient.
“I don’t like it one bit,” he admits. “But if this is something you really want to do, I’m not going to keep you from it. I love you too much to control you.”
A long moment passes where neither of us says anything.
I worry he’ll make this harder than it has to be.
Noah smiles at me then, and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.
There’s so much love and patience in his eyes.
I’m sorry, Noah. You have no idea how sorry I am, but I have to do this. Someday, I hope you can understand.
He takes my hands in his, and his smile grows softer. “You have my support no matter what path you take in life. I’ll be here for you, no matter what you do. I love you, London. And if this is what your heart is set on to give us an even better future, then I support it.”
“Thank you so much.” I kiss him again with all the love and passion I have bottled up. “I appreciate your understanding. I already can’t wait to be home with you again.”
I can’t wait to leave this ugly chapter of my life behind me, either, and everything it’s bringing to the surface.
When this is over, Noah and I can move in together and start our lives.
I just have to make it through the year without losing myself, and a small, terrified part of me is wondering if I can.
What if the London who leaves isn’t the same one who comes back?
“I can’t wait, either. How much time do we have before you go? I’ll make sure we fill the time with so many fun things that you won’t be able to forget me while you’re away.”
“I could never forget you,” I promise. Then, I take a deep breath. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
He’s stunned. Hurt fills his eyes. I hug him again, as if that will take away his pain. Maybe if I hold him tightly enough, Mason won’t be able to make me go.
“Wow,” Noah says. “I… is it okay if I stay with you tonight, then?”
“Of course. Though I need time to talk to my father as well. I’ll need some privacy to let him know what’s going on.”
Noah blows out a breath, and I can hear the defeat in his voice when he speaks again. “I understand. I’ll give you all the time you need. I just don’t want to leave you alone tonight. I still can’t even fathom what I’ll do while you’re gone.”
“I’ll still be with you in your heart.”
We kiss until we’re interrupted when my father walks in. Noah looks at me empathetically. He knows what happens next.
“I’m going to head upstairs to make your bed,” Noah says. “I’m going to make some tea, too. I want you to be as comfortable as you can.”
“I appreciate that,” I tell him. He’s too good. I realize more and more that I don’t deserve him.
As soon as he leaves, my father steps forward to hug me briefly.
“Where have you been?” he asks. “I was so worried about you. You can’t just disappear like that.”
I ignore the lump in my throat and square my shoulders. “I know. I’m sorry. I was talking to some people who might be able to help us. And I couldn’t leave before seeing it through.”
“What do you mean?” he asks. “If this is about the money, I told you not to worry about that. I’ll figure it out. There’s got to be a way, and…”
“Dad, you know it’s not that easy.” I want to be kind to him, gentle.
I’m being as gentle as I can be, but he also needs to see the truth.
He’s been blissfully blinded for too long.
“We owe a lot of money, and it’s not simple to come up with it.
I’m proud of you for doing everything you can.
But now there’s something I can do, too.
I have a job opportunity that will provide us with enough money to pay off your debt. ”
He gives me the same skeptical look Noah did. If only I could be honest, he and Noah would know I’m telling the truth. They would understand why Mason is willing to do this.
“What kind of job?” he asks. “I don’t want you to do anything… damaging, illegal, or harmful to get us out of this mess. I’m the one who caused it. I should be the one to pay the price.”
I wish I could explain nicely that it’s not possible. This was always going to affect me, and I’m sure he knows that.
But I can’t bring myself to say the words that’ll break his heart forever.
He and Noah deserve to live in ignorance. It’s the least I can do for them.
“It’s not anything like that. This job is legitimate, making real money in an honest way. I can’t tell you the details because it requires confidentiality. But it will help us, and it won’t damage me. It’s the answer we’ve been looking for.”
He’s not convinced. Noah would go along with almost anything I say. My father isn’t as pliable.
“Something is up,” he argues. “There’s more to this than you’re saying. I want you to be honest. I think I’ve shown you in the past that I can be trusted. I don’t freak out about anything you say. You can be open.”
I want to be. I want to tell him everything. I don’t want to lie to either of them.
“I am being honest,” I insist. “This will be good for us, I promise. In the meantime, I am kind of tired and overwhelmed by this. I’m going to take a bath and head to bed, but first… there’s something I have to mention about the job.”
My father crosses his arms over his chest and waits patiently.
“It is overseas, so I’ll be gone for a year. We won’t be able to see each other, but I’ll do my best to communicate with you if I can.”
“London, you can’t just leave for a year!”
“I hate to do this, but I am an adult,” I remind him. “You can’t stop me. I’m going to do this. I hope I have your support, though, because it means more to me than I can express.”
He looks at me with a lost expression. I think we’re both a bit baffled and overwhelmed.
“I love you, but I’m leaving in the morning.” I give him a quick hug. “I’ll be back home before you know it.”
With that, I go upstairs to hide the tears flowing down my cheeks.
***
Despite having to lie about everything, when I get upstairs, I do as I said I was going to do.
I accept a cup of tea from Noah and then draw myself a bubble bath.
As much as I’d like to spend every last moment with them, I also need time on my own to think through things and prepare myself for what’s to come.
Surprisingly enough, once I get in the bath, I can’t stop thinking about Mason. I think back to what he said about me having a boyfriend. How he doesn’t care. How other women with partners have submitted to him. And it makes me think about his notion of love.
Clearly, he doesn’t believe in it. And I wonder if I’ve reaffirmed that further by stripping for him and touching myself. I’ve proven my disloyalty. I’m just like the others, which makes me feel dirty and repulsive.
I hate Mason for what he’s already reduced me to, and for what he’s making me face about myself.
Noah deserves better, and a small part of me hopes that by the time this is over, he won’t be waiting for me.
Not when the weight of everything I’ve done, none of which can ever come to light, will be between us.
I think back to Noah and how sweet and loving he is. I can’t imagine how he’d react if he saw the video. Yet I picture the look on his face, and the hurt in his eyes.
I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I was disloyal to the man I love. The man who loves me.
No matter how much I wash myself, I can’t seem to get clean. Especially when I had an orgasm. That’s the worst part of all. I was disloyal to Noah, and I enjoyed it. There’s no coming back from that, no matter how much I wish otherwise.