Chapter Three #2
That evening, while I’m watching the show I want to watch (Modern Family) and I’m eating the meal I want to eat (prawn Thai curry), I take out my phone and multitask like a bloody pro.
I’m sat in my short pyjamas with the heating on because I can, and nobody can stop me.
Ok, my bill at the end of the month will have things to say about it but for now, I’m happy.
I open my uni group chat and think about how to start this conversation.
Butt Chat was devised in our second year of university when we all moved in together in Brighton.
Priya, Sara and I lived together in halls during the first year and, because Sam sort of came as part of my furniture, they befriended him too and then we had enough people for a student house in the city during our second year.
We moved into a three-bed terrace, the front room becoming our fourth bedroom, on the graffitied, ridiculously steep Butt Lane.
Hence, Butt Chat.
I fork a mouthful of noodles, enjoying the tanginess of the sauce as I type with my other hand. Like I said, professional-level multitasking.
Hattie
Anyone up for going away for NY to celebrate Sam and my birthday? I know it’s last minute so you might not be able to, but I really want to celebrate properly.
Sam
Count me in.
Sam
No pubbing then? What you thinking Hatter?
Sara
Ooo. Where?
Hattie
I’m sure we could find a house to rent? My flat is too small.
Priya
I’m in. I need to get away. This is perfect.
Sam
I’ll look at places. Any requirements?
Priya
Hot tub
Sara
Own room.
Hattie
Fairly private
Sam
You planning on murdering us?
Priya
I need a fridge for BM
Sam
BM? Bondage…
Priya
Breast milk, Sam. Get a grip
Hattie
We should go tomorrow and make a real thing of it! Sam, you book something, yeah? We can sort money later. Plus ones welcome! The more, the merrier
Sara
Wow, ok. Cool of you to assume we’re free at such short notice
Priya
I am
Sara
You’re ruining my point Pri
Priya
Sorry was I meant to pretend I’m really busy and sociable over New Year? Cause I think Hattie would see through that
Sara
Never mind. Mike had a thing but I didn’t want to go anyway. Perfect excuse to get out of it
Sam
So are we doing this? Are we actually doing a Butt Lane get together?
Hattie
I think we are
Priya
WOOWOO
Sara
You guys are weird. No plus one for me
Hattie
Mike won’t want to change his plans to join us?
Sara
Nah, he’s got a family thing.
Priya
But he’s your fiancé…
Hattie
And he’s no bother. We love Mike!
Sara
Thanks, but just me
Priya
And just me too. Issy will stay with her mum and baby Ollie
Hattie
I’ll sort food
Sara
I’ll get drink
Priya
I’ll barely have time to get myself showered before I step out the door so count me out from organising. Hattie I’ll send you a list of ingredients we need. I’ll do a buffet. Can someone pick me up?
Sam
I’ll borrow Freddie’s car and drive us. Sara, you want to get the train into Seaford?
Hattie
We can’t book a house in walking distance?
Sam
Not with a hot tub in our budget
The chat goes quiet for a bit as I clean the kitchen before more messages light up my phone.
Sam has sent through pictures of a seafront apartment in Brighton.
It’s nice but I just know we’ll end up going out into the city which isn’t the vibe I was going for.
I message back that, crucially, there’s no hot tub.
Priya
Agree. Have my heart set on overheating in a fancy outdoors bubble bath now.
Sara
Tell me you don’t actually put bubble bath in your hot tubs
Priya
Is that not a thing?
Sam
What about this one?
A link comes through of a modernised cottage in Surrey. It’s expensive for what it is. Pretty. Very The Holiday. To be honest, I’m surprised it’s even available at such short notice around the festive period.
Sara
Ceilings too low. I’ll bang my head.
Sam
Good shout. I’m taller than you. Wouldn’t need booze though. We could just get high off multiple concussions.
The links to potential house party locations don’t stop, and we continue to critique Sam’s choices.
The worst being a rundown townhouse that is being advertised with literal mould on the walls.
Sam swears it’s just decoration. It is not.
The best option is a London penthouse which Sam thought was priced per the whole stay instead of just one afternoon.
Three grand gets you a fabulous three hours.
I actually don’t want to know why there’s an option to rent a penthouse in the city for just an afternoon.
Sara
Well obviously it’s an expensive shag pad.
Priya
They don’t even stay the night?
Sara
No, they have to go home to their spouses, silly
Priya
Gross
Sam
What about this one then? I’m getting tired and you lot are the fussiest fuckers I know!
This time, he doesn’t send a link, and I wonder if this to prevent further detailed critiques. Instead, he sends screenshots of the website. It’s a lodge in a forest, all timber framed and like something out of a modern-day fairytale. And there’s a hot tub.
To be honest, my eyes are feeling heavy and it’s a miracle all of Butt Chat want to even come with us. So, in the spirit of jumping at opportunities for a whole year…
Hattie
Perfect. Book it
Sara
Why no link?
Priya
Yes to hot tub and friendly forest squirrels
Sara
Where does it say there are friendly forest squirrels? I don’t want that. Don’t sign me up for friendly forest creatures.
Sam
You know what… BOOKED. Leave me alone. I’m tired
Sara
I won’t be happy if there are squirrels.
Hattie
Night Butt Chat
Priya
I’m going to go full on Disney Princess and force you to make friends with them
Sara
I *will* set traps