Chapter Twenty-Three
Twenty-Three
I swear there’s fire coursing through my veins.
I’m lying awake, staring at the ceiling, and there’s an ache between my legs that needs soothing or I’m going to start crying. Priya is snoring, one arm flung over her face, her silky, dark hair askew.
The cold shower has not worked.
Maybe I should go outside and frolic naked in the snow.
Fuck!
That kiss. I can’t think. I can’t move. I can barely breathe right. How do you do it again? Air out, air in? Or air in, air out? Ugh, I’m trying too hard. I bite my tongue to focus.
I can still feel the pressure of his lips everywhere he touched. The trail of his fingers over my stomach. Oh God, I’m going to die from it. I can feel it. He’s everywhere.
It has never been like this before. The way Freddie handled me, like I wasn’t breakable. The confidence. The fact he couldn’t even look at me and had to hide behind the table after.
I did that to him.
Me. I did that. It’s unfathomable. I’ve never felt so wanted.
Damn those useless lights coming back on. I have the urge to go and mess with the switchboard just so I can stand there and hope he finds me in the darkness.
But it was a stupid, stupid thing to do.
The pure selfishness of it makes me want to weep.
Freddie has been off limits to me for as long as I’ve known him.
Sam would never speak to me again. And then to make it even worse, they’re finally patching up their brotherly relationship which is the most amazing thing to see.
I know Freddie thinks he needs Sam, but he has no idea how much Sam needs him too.
They’ve been hauled apart by their parents’ differences for too long.
I cannot be the one to spoil that.
I roll over to smother my face into my pillow, muffling a quiet scream.
There’s no way I’m getting to sleep like this.
I mean, I can hardly get myself off with Priya in the room.
She’s flat out but I’m not quite brave enough to be caught in the act.
Not that I imagine she’d mind; it just, you know, might be quite awkward in the morning.
And forever after that.
There’s nothing else for it. I’m going to have to tuck into one of Sara’s chamomile teas.
I hop out of bed, pulling on the oversized sweatshirt that hangs down to my thighs. I only sleep in a thin vest and knickers, so this leaves my legs and feet bare. Luckily, most of the lodge has underfloor heating.
I use my phone light in the kitchen so as not to wake anyone else up. I fill the kettle then flick it on to boil. It’s louder than I remember.
Why is it so damn loud?
I glare at it, willing it to shut up whilst also leaving it on because this tea might be my last hope at soothing me. I grab a mug from the cupboard above and sneak one of Sara’s teabags then wait for it to finish, playing with my hair in the meantime, which is still slightly damp.
“What’re you doing?”
I fucking die.
My heart explodes. I grab my mouth to stifle a scream, spinning round to find Freddie staring at me from the other side of the kitchen island.
“Fuck!” I whisper-hiss. “What are you doing? Sneaking up like some kind of fucking sexy ghost!”
He runs a hand through his bed hair, which… I’m done for. How can someone look so hot straight out of bed? At least he’s had the decency to put on a pair of jogger shorts and a white t-shirt. I’m practically half-naked.
And his eyes have dropped to my feet which means he’s noticed my bare legs. I will the fire to ebb away before I’m forced to say something outrageous to my best friend’s older brother.
“I needed a tea,” I say. That’s all I’ve got. I can’t tell him the truth. I can’t say, Oh yeah, your kiss got me so riled up, I can’t sleep, so I’m out here praying a chamomile tea will settle it when really the only thing that could probably achieve the required results are your tongue.
Flipping heck.
I hold onto the kitchen side. I’m out of line.
He swallows but steps round the island to join me in the glow of my phone light. I can see the sharp line of his jaw. The stubble there. I close my eyes when the memory of the sensation of it against my cheek rattles me.
I hear the scrape of the tall chair and open my eyes to find him sat, still gazing at me.
“We could make some rules,” he says, his voice gentle but sure.
“For what?” Ok, it’s official. My brain has turned to mush.
He smirks. Oh, the smirk he smirks. He knows. He is so onto me. It’s totally unfair. How is he so relaxed? I’ll just have to deny it until I die. Doesn’t matter that I wear it all on my sleeve, he’ll never get me to admit it. Probably.
“Sam doesn’t have to find out,” he whispers. “If you want me to help you, I’m all in.”
“Bet you are,” I joke, but I can’t hide the nervousness in my tone.
The cretin takes my hand in his. It’s too much. And then, to make matters worse, he starts massaging my fingers. I’m so out of my depth here but luckily, I don’t think he’s aware.
“I am. I want to kiss you again.”
I look up to the ceiling. My conscience is catching up with me.
“You keep saying you don’t want to be the villain anymore, Fred. But I’m worried this will make you the bad guy. I don’t know why, but I do. And I really, really cannot be the girl responsible for that.”
He’s running a finger up the inside of my forearm, and I might collapse to the floor with need. How does such a small, insignificant movement make my ears hot and my fingers twitch?
“I always end up disappointing everyone anyway.”
“Will I be disappointed then?” I say, dropping my head to look at him directly.
This makes him smirk even harder, his gaze burning. “Oh no. No, I won’t be disappointing you.”
My tummy falls from the sky. That familiar feeling. It’s only ever been Freddie who could make me feel suddenly weightless in my core from just a look or a quippy sentence alone. I don’t drop the eye contact, though. I let myself feel it. This energy between us… Have we always had it?
One of his hands grips my wrist gently, squeezing as he pulls me into him, spreading his knees so my body fits closer to his.
I’m tall so we come nose to nose. I can smell the minty toothpaste on his breath.
He leans in and doesn’t even touch my neck with his lips, but I can sense him, leaving a forbidden trail of heat all the way to my chin.
I come to. “No, wait. You can’t. Not here,” I hiss, putting my hands on his shoulders to maintain distance. “Sam is asleep through that door over there.”
“Ok,” he says. He releases me, spinning on the stool and stepping away. My heart is thumping in my chest. This has not helped the “fire in my veins” situation at all. If anything, I’m 100 per cent worse than before.
I suck in a deep breath in the hope it might give me strength.
He walks away, albeit slowly. He knows. He’s so bloody practised.
“Fine,” I relent.
He pauses, looking over his shoulder. “Fine what?”
“Fine. Just fine,” I say. “Help me.”
Freddie watches me, a curious quirk in his forehead. “You don’t really need my help. You know that, right?”
The ache has its own pulse now. “I promise you – I do.”
“No one finds out,” he says.
I nod, sure and firm. “No one.”
“And it’s only while we’re here.”
I don’t know why that one makes me squirm but he’s right. That’s a very important rule, especially since I’ve vowed to go without relationships for a whole year. And besides, Freddie is well known for not being boyfriend material anyway.
So, I say, “Absolutely.”
“We’ll plan logistics tomorrow,” he says. “Enjoy your tea, storm cloud.”
“Wait,” I sputter. I can tell by his side profile that he’s smiling as he strolls casually back to his room. “Where are you going?”
“To bed,” he says.
“But…”
“Get some sleep. You’ve got a late one tomorrow.”
“Well, fuck,” I mutter as his door closes. He’s right. It’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow and we’re going to have a proper party, fireworks and sparklers, booze and music. We’re going all out. Sod the bloody snow.
I finish making my tea and decide it’s better to drink it in the safety of my bed. There’s a danger my feet could lead me in the wrong direction. And he’d be far too smug if they did. I’m not sure if he just started a game but the way he left just now felt awfully like a challenge.
Well, game on.