Chapter Twenty-Eight
Twenty-Eight
Why would Adam text me now? He’s acted like I don’t exist for over six months. He’ll know I’ve seen it too. My tummy turns. I feel nauseous. I close my phone and bung it on the side face down like it burnt my hand. I step away and top up my glass.
Dylan says something to me and laughs but I didn’t hear so I just laugh along too but it’s very obviously the wrong reaction or a shitty, fake laugh because he grimaces at me.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I ask, shaking myself out of my state of horror.
“Ew, did you just fake laugh at me?” he says.
“Sorry, Dyl, I’m a bit distracted.”
He nods. “Is it because your old now?”
“Hilarious.”
“Do you need to go lie down?”
“Funny.”
“Do you need help taking your teeth out?”
“Again, so funny.”
But then my phone is vibrating on the side; it isn’t even that loud, but I grind my teeth. It might not be him, I realise. I flip it over just to check but nope.
Adam is calling.
Adam is fucking calling.
Is he deranged? There’s no way I’m letting him ruin my birthday and yet here I am, seething about the fact he’s even had the gall to call me, and I’m faking a smile, trying to dance and have fun with my friends.
I hate him.
I hate him so much. It feels so deliberate and underhanded. I never did anything to him except try to be a good, supportive girlfriend and he was the worst. He was an ungrateful, shamelessly unemotional boyfriend who didn’t deserve me.
Do I answer and tell him as much?
No. That feels wrong.
I march over to where the others are and plonk myself down beside Sara, who gives me a funny look.
“You’re stewing,” Sara mutters. Damn her eldest sister mood-detector abilities.
Freddie hears and looks up with a frown.
“Nope,” I say, huffing and striding back to the kitchen.
I hate how I can never hide my emotions from her.
She sees through me like I’m bloody transparent.
My stupid, pale, freckly skin gives me away in seconds.
My phone starts to vibrate again. That hmmmm sound goes right through me so I unlock it, decline his call and turn my phone off.
WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?
I take myself away for a quick breather, perching on my bed in the darkness with only the sound of music playing downstairs.
Sara and Priya have put on ‘Saturday Night’ and usually that would be right up my street, but I can’t stop my heart from racing.
I want to cry. I want to scream into my pillow.
I’m over Adam. But that doesn’t stop the past from being dredged up and making me feel like shit. It’s sickening that he has this kind of power over me at all.
There’s a quiet knock at the door.
I startle, wiping at my eyes. “Yeah?”
Freddie pokes his head through the door. “You ok?” he asks. And why is his voice so gentle and sweet like he gives a damn?
“Mmm,” is all I can manage for fear of letting myself go.
“Can I come in?”
I nod but he can’t see me properly, so he doesn’t move. “I’m nodding.”
He closes the door behind him and sits beside me on the bed, our thighs brushing together. “Why you hiding in the dark?”
“If I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone else. It will kill the mood.”
Freddie doesn’t say anything for a moment then says, “I’m nodding.”
“Adam texted me just now. And tried to call.”
I feel him tense beside me. “What did he say?”
“The text said Happy birthday and that he misses me.” Saying it out loud makes me realise it doesn’t sound so bad.
But it is. He has no right to be messaging me on my birthday and right at midnight too.
He knows what this means to me. It’s manipulative.
But now I feel like a fucking idiot for telling Freddie when it just sounds innocent.
“God, it doesn’t even sound bad, does it? ”
“He knows what he’s doing. Want me to call him? Tell him to back off? Pose as your jealous boyfriend?” I can tell by his tone he’s only half messing around. Part of me thinks he’d do it.
“You really don’t like him, do you?”
“Nah. Didn’t like him the first time I met him and definitely don’t like him now.”
“Would you actually call him?”
Freddie laughs but he sounds serious when he says, “Hattie, if you wanted me to do, I’d challenge him to a duel.”
“On horseback?”
“I’d have to do some riding lessons first, but yes. I’ve always felt protective of you. At first, I put it down to you being my little brother’s friend, but I don’t think I can use that excuse anymore.”
“I don’t know if I need protecting,” I say. I can’t even fight the smile anymore. “But you know what, I’d like to see you duel him.” Partly because I know who would end up on the floor crying for help and it sure as hell wouldn’t be Freddie.
“Look, I didn’t get to finish what I said before. I thought that’s why you were stewing earlier.”
I get to the point before he does. “It’s ok. If you don’t want this, it’s fine. Just be honest with me. I can’t take being played with anymore. It’s killing me,” I say and then the first lot of tears come, and I just want to suck them all back in.
I hate me!
“Hey,” Freddie coos, tucking more stray hairs back behind my ear; his fingers linger at the soft part at the top of my neck.
“That’s not it at all. Before we were interrupted, I was going to tell you what I should’ve said from the start.
That night in the hot tub, when you asked me to help you out…
I’ve never felt so conflicted in my entire life.
First and foremost, I’m a man. And a beautiful, sharp and funny woman is asking me to do unspeakable things to her, as a favour no less, and I have to be the idiot that says no. ”
“You didn’t have to say no.”
He nudges me. “You know my reasons. Well, you know one of the reasons.”
My annoyingly loveable best friend is reason one but, no, I don’t know reason two. “What are the other reasons?”
Freddie sighs. “You have no idea how jealous I was of Sam having you. I know it wasn’t in the same way. That he doesn’t think of you like I do, but it’s so unfair. And I’ve wondered…”
“Wondered what?”
“You kept the charm.”
I breathe deeply. “I never understood why you got me a gift.”
“I wanted you to have something from me.”
“But why?”
“Because I thought you were incredible, and I liked the idea of you having something on you that I gave you. I thought you were brave and clever and funny. And I couldn’t go anywhere near you for fear of breaking what little I had left with my family.
Still now. I’m thirty-two, you’re twenty-nine, and apparently, this is still a thing we’re not allowed.
How does that work? What if I want to date you?
Why should that hurt anyone’s feelings? Honestly? ”
“You want to date me?” My voice sounds small.
He nods once. “That’s the other reason it couldn’t be me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Come on, Hattie. I want more of you than that,” he says, and I can just make out the whites of his eyes.
I reach across to him, craving the feel of his stubble under my fingers. As my hands graze him there, he leans into it, pressing a soft kiss to my palm.
“Freddie, I promised myself…”
“You need this year. I know.”
“I…”
“You don’t have to say anything now. You don’t have to say anything here. It can be another time. When you’re ready. I’m not going to change how I feel.”
“Freddie…”
I’m not even sure what I was going to say. My head is a great, big jumble of things, like a washing machine full of boots and tennis balls. There’s just clunking and noise in there right now.
But thankfully, Priya barges through the door, giddy from drink and dancing.
She stops short when she flicks the light on and finds us sitting this close, my hand still on Freddie’s chin. “Oh!” she says. “Erm… Well, this is unexpected.”
I drop my hand as Freddie gets up to leave. He doesn’t say anything but gives me a small smile as he goes. I chew on the end of my thumb once the door closes behind him and Priya watches me curiously.
“So, well, that’s a new development.”
I grimace at her. “Please don’t mention this to Sam.”
She nods quickly. “Yes! No! No, I won’t. But what is even happening?”
I groan into my hands and stamp my feet with frustration. “I don’t know, Priya. I have no idea what just happened.”
Priya sits beside me, wrapping an arm round my shoulders and smushing her face against my hair. “What’s wrong, Hattie? Tell your weirdly adorable friend.”
I laugh despite myself. “Adam texted me and then he was calling, and I panicked and then Freddie came up here and told me loads of confusing things. I’m meant to be going a whole year without dating. I’m meant to be doing things for me and being selfish. I promised myself.”
“Do it then!” she says like that’s the answer. “What’s wrong with you? You can do anything you want! You’re Hattie Tycer! You’re invisible.”
“I’m what?”
“Invincible.”
“You said invisible.”
“Well, I’ve drunk way too much Baileys tonight,” she says with a burp.
“Angelic,” I say, leaning away from her.
“Hey, get your arse downstairs. We’re going to dance the macarena. You’re not going to let any of these annoying men take away your birthday happiness. This,” she says while waving her arms around me, “is already too much. They’re not allowed any of you right now.”
“Ok,” I laugh.
“Let’s go!” she says, pulling me up. “Oh wait! I came in here to use the en suite. Be right back.”
When she returns, we stumble back into the living space, Freddie is nowhere to be seen, the door to his room shut.
But Sara immediately gets us all dancing and laughing again.
Sam and Dylan join us too, bouncing around the living room to the cheesiest music on planet Earth as the alcohol in our systems starts to wane and the sleepiness wades into our blood system.
“I’m calling it!” Priya says. “If we end up driving back tomorrow, I’m going to be knackered.”
“I doubt we will with this much snow,” Sara says. “But, yeah, time for sleep.”
Sam gives me a big, droopy cuddle before skulking off to his room. Dylan is already passed out on the sofa. I grab a blanket and wrap it over him before heading to my bed.
Priya is already fast asleep, snoring her little head off.
I stare at the ceiling, and it’s like there’s adrenaline pulsing through me.
I can’t drift off, no matter what I try.
In the end, I find myself on my feet, heading back down the stairs, past Dylan on the sofa and pausing outside Freddie’s room.
I’m not sure how long I must stand there, wondering what would happen if I knocked. I even raise my hand but then drop it again.
No, this is silly.
What do I even expect from him?
I guess I want to know why he didn’t come back out to dance. Maybe he’s sick. Or maybe he’s embarrassed.
Ugh, no. I’m about to turn around when the door swings open and Freddie’s tall frame appears, his eyes awash with hope. “Are you going to come in or just hover out here?” he whispers.
I swallow, my tummy swooping from the sight of his bedraggled bed hair. “I want to come in.”
He nods, pushing the door wider so that I have to step under his arm to access his space. It smells so intensely of him, like bonfires and the seaside, that I end up standing there and closing my eyes, breathing him in.
“You couldn’t sleep?” he asks.
“No.”
“You can sleep in here.”
I can’t see him, but I hear him step up close behind me.
“What if I don’t want to sleep?” I ask.
I feel his fingers in my hair first, followed by the gentle scrape of his stubbled chin on my bare shoulder.
My lacy, satin vest is tucked into my not-so-sexy pyjama bottoms, tied at the waist. He tugs lightly on my soft curls, and I feel it everywhere, spreading from the roots to the tips of my toes.
“Do you still want more of me than just sex?” I ask, my voice as low as I can make it, knowing his brother is right next door.
Freddie’s lips graze the base of my neck, his hands sneaking round my middle, pulling me into him from behind.
His large frame curves over mine, almost protectively.
I feel ripe with need. This is what I wanted.
This is why I couldn’t sleep. This beautiful and intense magnetic pull that belongs between us. I crave it.
“I want everything of you.”
And that’s all I need to hear. I spin round and throw my arms around his neck, pressing my lips to his.