Chapter 8
Why am I here?
I blow an exaggerated breath through pooched lips and walk inside.
Machines beep and whir, with tubes draping between them and the bed.
And there he is. My dream. My cinnamon make-believe lover, out cold on a hospital bed for only the gods know how long.
And here I am, staring at him, wishing some of that old exciting flare would pop through my veins.
Instead, dread stalks their passages, and I’m stuck trying to figure out what to say to a sleeping husk.
Someone really does need to fix his hair though.
“Uh, Hayden,” I start, then stop and swallow.
He can’t hear you, Kenzie. Why the hell are you doing this?
What is it going to solve? I’m hopeless.
Fine, whatever. I step closer and run a single finger through his hair to get it out of his face.
I yank back when my finger touches his forehead.
Did he move? No. It’s just me. Nothing. Not a flinch.
A minute passes and I do little more than stand.
My mind’s been going crazy ever since leaving The Good Hex.
Did I really cause all of this? Is my spell to blame?
And if it is, what did I do wrong? This isn’t what I wanted.
I never hoped he’d get hurt just so I could be his.
I’d even rather he never know me than for him to get hurt because of me.
My eyes flit from his closed lids to the bag of fluid suspended next to him.
Back and forth like suddenly he’ll be awake and tell me how to get out of this mess.
Gods, no! That would be horrible. Please, Odin, don’t let that happen!
He’d be horrified to hear what’s going on out here in the real world.
Like let him wake up, but I don’t want to be here when it happens.
“Kenzie?” A woman’s voice comes from behind.
I stiffen and swing around on my toes.
“Doctor…” I try, but her name is not coming to me. Kaine? No. Carroll maybe? Neither feels right.
“Kline.” She smiles.
“Right. Dr. Kline. Sorry.” I nod apologetically.
“Did you come to talk with him?” She goes on without acknowledging it.
“I-I, uh…” And now I’m stuttering, dammit. Yes, I came to talk to him, but I don’t want to now. It was a lame idea. “Yeah.”
I can stick around and say a few random things to him.
Maybe tell him how icky the weather is, or that Tae Hyun is putting out a new record in like a week.
I’m so excited…but I’m betting Hayden doesn’t even know who that is.
Probably couldn’t give a shit. He may not be as nice as I think he is either.
He is a jock, right? He'd probably hate that I brought up K-pop music and laugh me out of the room.
Why did I obsess over him? Oh wait. I steal a look at him and immediately remember. Oh. Yeah.
“Good. It’s nice for them.” Dr. Kline angles her head but keeps eye contact. “He might not react, and he might not remember—he most likely won’t—but it still is good for him.”
She can see the confusion in my face, it’s clear. So he can or can’t remember what I say?
Dr. Kline smiles. “It’s not like he’s actively listening, but hearing someone talk to him keeps his brain alert.
He can still hear. And we think it’s even more helpful for him to hear stories he’s familiar with from his past, from family.
Think of the brain as a powerful circuit board.
When he hears those stories, it exercises some circuits in the brain that can help bring him out of the coma. ”
That’s cool, but I don’t know any of those stories. And I’m not sure he’d even know my voice, to be honest. He’s heard it every time I’ve taken his order, but that can’t come close to hearing his family. Plus, I bet my perspective of his trips to the coffee shop are much different than his.
“Oh,” is all I manage.
“I’ll leave you with him,” Dr. Kline says, and walks out.
I take another breath and blow it out. It’s just you and me again, Hayden. I throw my eyes up to the ceiling and drag them back down. He shouldn’t remember anything I say, and it’d be good for him, right? Maybe me too. Get it off my chest.
“Fine,” I say out loud before locking my eyes on his closed eyelids. “Hey, Hayden. It’s me. Kenzie. You probably know me as the coffee shop person, or maybe that barista.”
I stop. That barista? Ugh.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to come check on you.
See how you’re doing. Since it’s probably my fault and all that you’re here,” I say.
I’d be more than content to leave it there and be gone, but I don’t.
I put my hand on the plastic guardrail along his bed.
“What I really needed to say—and please, for the love of all the gods, don’t remember this—is that, well… uh…you see. I’m not your enbyfriend.”
Immediately I roll my eyes. Really? Of course he doesn’t think I’m his enbyfriend.
What a stupid thing to say. He probably doesn’t even know I’m non-binary.
He probably thinks I’m just some dude who wears dresses sometimes.
Hell, he probably doesn’t even know what enbyfriend means. Yet, that’s what I confess to him.
“Okay,” I grunt, and psych myself up. “Let’s try this again. You see, Hayden, I might have, well, actually Regina—you know, the nurse—might have assumed I was your enbyfriend. Okay, that’s not entirely accurate either. I told her that.” I huff. “And I also sort of cast a spell.”
I check his eyelids. No signs of movement. I’m still not one hundred percent convinced it was the spell that did this. I did everything right, I think, but it did happen literally the next day.
“So yeah, I’m not. Obviously.” I laugh and glance away, my eyes trailing down to the blue and white sheets over his chest. “Most of your family was there when it happened. So they might sort of…well, they all do think I’m your enbyfriend.”
I laugh as if a sleeping guy is going to chuckle back at my little dilemma. If he did, I’d be out of here so fast.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I swear.” I throw my hands up, palms out and fingers splayed to make it clear, you know, like he can see it. “But…” I grimace and let out a defeated breath. “I just didn’t say no.”
That’s it. I didn’t do what I should have. It’s that simple. But the real problem is that I keep not doing what I should.
“Gods. Hayden, I’m going to need you not to wake up until I figure this junk out,” I blurt, and my eyes go wide.
“Oh no. I didn’t mean that. That’s so bad.
No. No! I want you to wake up. I do! You’re honestly amazing and gorgeous, and you deserve to be here.
Not like here here, in the hospital, but awake, you know?
Yeah, awake. You have such an awesome family. ”
I need to stop talking, but I don’t. I do slow down though.
“Your family is pretty great. Your mom is beautiful,” I say.
I’ve finally pinned down who she reminds me of.
Sally in Practical Magic, Sandra Bullock.
“Your dad sort of scares me. Not a lot, just a little. And your sister—Holly, right?—is adorable. Your aunt is a witch like me. Did you know that? Of course you did.” What an inept question.
“And Gramps is great. Super Old Gran, Kiki. I’m jealous, actually. ”
I stop. What am I doing? This is pointless. I need to get out of here. My hand grips my necklace and I say a quick chant under my breath.
“Everything is going to be okay. I have no reason to worry.” I breathe out. “I am at peace.”
I grind my heels into the ground and twist around, and suddenly I’m not at peace.
“Ah!” My fingers clasp my mouth to hold back the rest of the scream. “Eliza!”
“Oh,” Eliza squawks.
“Sorry! I didn’t mean—”
“No, no. It’s okay. It’s my fault. I didn’t intend to scare you like that.” She covers her chest and breathes in dramatically. “I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
“Uh…” An answer refuses to come forward. I fight back the urge to run. How much of what I said did she hear? Does she know? Did she hear me confessing to him? Please, no! I can’t do that right now!
“How long have you…been here?” I ask, not at all sketchily.
“Just got here, darling,” she says.
That calms my nerves a bit. Not as much as I’d like, but I guess it’ll do.
“Oh, okay,” I say. Act natural, Kenzie! Act natural. “I gotta go, Mom’s waiting for me.”
And I take off.