Chapter 26
The last time I was here, Hayden sat across from me, not Kaitlynn. That was probably the final time too.
“I finally got Lola and Moira to tie the knot!” Kaitlynn blurts excitedly.
“Who?” I ask.
I know those names. I don’t know why I know them, but I do. Who was she trying to get married off?
“Lola and Moira, my Sims,” she says.
“Oh! I had no idea who you were talking about,” I tell her as it clicks. She’s had them going since last year, when I got her hooked on the game. I haven’t played in weeks, due to other stressful events.
“I’ve been trying to get them to get married for months, but they never would!” Kaitlynn complains. “They’ve been living in the same house for like half a year. They even upgraded to a bigger one.”
In my defense, I’m tired and distracted.
We closed the store down half an hour ago and came to Hammy’s Diner for a quick snack.
AKA Kaitlynn is trying to keep me from thinking about the Marcus brothers.
It’s sort of helped. I haven’t spoken to Zachary since Monday at the nail salon.
Still, my mind keeps flipping between how any of that was his business and why did I have to lie to him… again?
I’ve only texted Hayden a few times since, and he’s said nothing about it.
Not a thing. I’m also discovering he’s a real shitty texter.
The more I overthink it, the more I think Zachary was telling the truth.
The more I think it wasn’t just about us, even if part of me also hopes it was.
Zachary might not be able to see it, but this is eating me alive too.
I didn’t mean for any of this to be, it just is.
Right? Gods. Maybe not. I mean it’s not that simple.
I made choices. It’s not like someone pushed me into it.
I was just too weak to make the right ones.
I shouldn’t be mad at Zach. Shit. It’s not his fault.
“That’s cool.” I zone back into reality. “I need to get back to mine. It’s been forever. Chase is probably still being a hoe as always.”
“No better life.” Kaitlynn grins.
“Eh.” I shrug. “Maybe.”
“Have you been doing something I don’t know about?” Kaitlynn asks.
“No! Of course not!” I sit back against the cushy bench and snatch a fried cheese stick from the basket in the center of the table. I take a bite and give her a naughty smile. “Not that lucky.”
“Bad enby,” Kaitlynn laughs.
“If you only knew what goes through my head,” I say. It’s more trying to distract myself than anything, but it’s not a lie for once, I guess. She’d be all types of embarrassed, maybe worried.
“Oh, I don’t want to know. No, no,” Kaitlynn says.
“You really don’t,” I tell her.
“You have any exams tomorrow?” Kaitlynn asks. It’s a total topic switch. Unfortunately, the answer is yes. A few. Maybe I should practice putting a spell on myself not to think of Zachary. And a hex on…
“Yeah, math and English. And art. Yeah, I literally have an art exam. It’s so frustrating,” I say.
“Really?” Kaitlynn asks. “That’s lame.”
“Pssh. So lame.” I grunt and let the intrusive thoughts win. “I ought to put a hex on Regina.”
Kaitlynn’s expression morphs into confusion and there’s a pause.
“What? And why?” Kaitlynn asks slowly.
“She started all of this,” I grumble, eyes lost beyond her on the glass bottles hanging above the bar. I imagine Regina’s bright green eyes and curly brown hair.
“Oh…” she sighs. “But wouldn’t that actually be you?”
“I mean…but—” I try to find a way to spin it.
“No, no, Kenzie. I might be your friend, but that’s ridiculous. It’s not her fault,” Kaitlynn reminds me.
“But it’s Regina who told them.” I try to justify my moment of anger. She’s right though. There is no justifying it.
“Again, not on her. You shouldn’t have lied to her in the first place. Just because she told them,” she slows to emphasize her words, “what you told her isn’t her fault. Then you didn’t even deny it and correct her. That’s so much worse, Kenzie.”
“B-but… Shit,” I blurt. Why does she have to be so right?
“Yeah,” she says, letting the word string out for a few seconds like she’s waiting for it to settle into my thick skull.
I don’t know what to think. I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t prepared for any of that. But…I don’t know what to say. That doesn’t make it okay.
“Well, I need to hex Zach, then,” I blurt without thinking.
Kaitlynn’s entire head twitches and freezes. She stares at me with this searing gaze. I rarely get that look. It only comes out when she really thinks I’m full of shit or delusional.
“What?”
“Zach is not the problem either,” Kaitlynn says plainly.
“But—”
“No buts. We’re not doing that. You’re head over heels for him, Kenzie.
It’s so easy to see.” She stops and looks away with this amused grin.
“You get so giddy when he’s around. I love you, Kenzie, but he’s not the problem.
The problem is you can’t figure out how to have him while fixing the shit you started, and it’s eating you alive. That’s the problem. It’s so clear.”
“What? No! That’s so not it.” I lean over the table, trying to keep my voice quiet. There is only one other table occupied besides us, but I’m not having this overheard.
“Yeah, it is!” Kaitlynn laughs confidently. “Every time he shows up, you become this ball of nerves. You talk about him more than you ever did Hayden, and let me tell you, bitch, you talked about Hayden a lot. And why else would you get so defensive about him?”
“I-I…” I grumble to a stop. Is it really that obvious? I thought I hid it so well. “I…yeah. I do like him.”
“I know,” Kaitlynn says, but the accusation in her voice is gone. “It’s beyond obvious.”
I grunt, defeated, with my eyes drooping to the ugly red plaid tablecloth. There’s only one cheese stick left, so I steal it from the basket and shove it in my mouth. I try to focus on it instead of the uneasy feeling in my chest that’s swinging hazardously between nausea and fuzzy warm patches.
“They do say being in love is like being drunk.” Kaity slaps my cheek to get me to look back up at her. “You do weird things.”
“Not in love!” I wave my hand frantically. Let’s get one thing straight here. I don’t even know what it means to be in love for sure, so that’s not on the table yet. I refuse. “Definitely not in love.”
Kaity shrugs and grunts. “Maybe we should talk about how you’re going to fix all this, then. You can’t keep this up. Even if you don’t do it for them, you have to for you, at least.”
I huff. That might have been the wisest thing I’ve ever heard come out of Kaitlynn’s lips, but I so didn’t want to hear it.
Can I just not think about it? Can it just stop being this black cloud looming over my head day and night?
I want to act like it’s not on my mind. Go on living like things are normal, like they used to be when I was just lusting after a boy, and that’s it. Can’t I just be delusional?
“Come on, Kenzie.” Kaitlynn leans across the table.
Our faces are close, and she’s got this look that says listen to me or else in the kindest way a threat can be conveyed. I lean back and let out another huff.
“Fine. How do I fix it?” I ask.
“Tell the truth?” she suggests. “Isn’t that the most obvious solution?”
“And the hardest,” I counter.
“And the only way.” She brushes her hand in the air dismissively. “Do you really think Freyja and Odin want to keep saving your tail?”
“They’re gods, they’re good for it.” I shrug.
Kaity laughs and then cups my hands in hers. “Joking aside, Kenz, you need to tell them the truth.”
“But I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I say.
I wish I could say that’s the only reason it’s hard, that it’s the only reason I haven’t done it yet, but I can’t.
Besides Kaity’s unfortunately accurate point, it’s pride mostly.
I don’t want to be seen as that guy. The liar.
The asshole. The screwup. That’s what I think holds me back the most. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s also about them.
I swear. I truly don’t want to hurt them.
And I don’t want to lose them. They’re everything I always wished I had.
And then there’s the whole school knowing I’m “dating” Hayden… That doesn’t help anything.
“Someone is going to get hurt, Kenzie.” She gives me the news I didn’t want to hear. “I’m sorry, but it’s true.”
“Yeah. You’re right. Maybe Hayden will be relieved though.” I try to laugh.
“Maybe.” Kaitlynn giggles with me. “Or maybe he’ll be disappointed he doesn’t get you.”
“I doubt that. But what about Super Old Gran?” I pose the question.
“Who?” Kaitlynn looks confused, eyes twitching back and forth going through the Marcus family roster in her head probably. “Oh—”
“His great-grandma,” I say before she can.
“Still can’t believe they call their great-grandma Super Old Gran.” She smiles.
“Same,” I say.
“My nana would freak if I called her that,” she laughs.
“Oh gods, she would for sure!” I agree. Her grandmother is great, but she doesn’t like it when people bring up her age.
“Yeah.” Kaitlynn nods.
“But yeah, I’m just worried, you know. She’s old and Eliza said she might have a heart attack from the shock. Well, she didn’t say that exactly, but still.” That’s even worse than hurting someone’s feelings. They’d all be hurting if I killed Granny. “Can’t do that.”
“You’re not going to off Super Old Gran by telling the truth. And wait.” Kaitlynn frowns. “Eliza knows?”
“Yeah,” I say with the same surprise. “I told you this! She said she was going to do it for me! But she still hasn’t.”
“Sorry!” Kaitlynn huffs. “That’s right. You did. My bad. But she still hasn’t? You sure that’s best anyway?”
“Maybe! She knows them best. It makes sense, right?” I reason.
“See how that’s worked out?” Kaitlynn stares me down.
“Fine. You’re not wrong,” I admit. “Gods, I wish I’d never met Hayden. Like why did he have to come to the shop all the time? And be so dreamy?”
“You don’t mean that,” Kaitlynn says.
“I do! I mean it.” I’m not backing down from this.
Had he not, I wouldn’t have followed them to the hospital, and then the nurse wouldn’t have repeated what I told her.
If not for all that, I’d simply be happily single Mackenzie again.
Okay, maybe not happily single, but better than whatever junk this is.
“But then you’d never have met Zachary.” Kaitlynn shrugs. “And don’t tell me you would prefer that. Don’t!”
“If I’d never met him, then I wouldn’t know what I’m missing,” I remind her.
“Yeah, but you have,” she says.
“Stop being wise, Kaity! I like crazy Kaity better.” I roll my eyes.
“So wise.” Kaitlynn poses with her hand under her chin all smiles. “So now what are you going to do about it?”
I slouch back and allow my shoulders to slump. If I do what she’s saying, I’ll have to face everything that’s happened the past month. But I have to do something. I can’t keep this up. It’s not getting better, it’s getting harder.
“Hmm… Text him? Hayden, that is,” I ask more than tell.
“No. Hell no.” Kaitlynn jumps. “You’re not breaking this through text.”
“No! That’s not what I meant,” I say. It really isn’t. “I meant like text him, you know, to tell him I need to talk to him, to tell him something. Then I can admit it all in person.”
“Okay, now that’s better.” Kaitlynn calms. “I can get behind that.”
“So I’ll do that,” I tell her.
“Now.” She tilts her head expectantly.
“What?” I rebound. Now? Why now? Let me dwell on it and make myself sick first.
“Now!” she says again, pointing at my phone lying next to my arm.
“But…”
“Now!” she says again, all command this time.
“Fine.” I roll my eyes and pick up my phone. The text box has never looked this menacing. Hayden’s name sets at the top of the screen under a photo of him I stole off Instagram. I breathe.
“You got this, Kenzie.” Kaitlynn tries pumping me up. “You the man. No, wrong. You’re not the man. You’re the one! Oh shit, you’re Neo! You’re freaking Neo! You’re The One!”
I stop and look at her like she’s an idiot. Part of me wants to break character and laugh with her, because I one hundred percent got the reference and that’s so epic, but I refuse. I need her to think I can’t stand her right now.
“See! You’re the freaking one, you…” She stops, all grins. “Too much? Okay. Just fix this shit. Okay?”
“Not helping,” I say, even though it sort of is. Sure, my insides feel like they’re churning all I ate today into a massive mush they want to expel from my mouth, but it’s not as bad as it was a minute ago.
I focus on my phone and start typing. After three different renditions, I get it.
I show the screen to Kaity so she can see I’m doing what she told me to.
“Now send it,” she says.
I hover my pointer finger over the little send icon and cough.
Oh my gods! Once this goes out, I have to tell him something important regardless, and honestly this is the only thing that would warrant the message, so I’ll be stuck.
Ugh! This is so not fun! I’m not having a good time, and I want off this ride!
I close my eyes and let my finger drop. The little whooshing noise confirms it sent, and immediately I want to puke everywhere.
MACKENZIE: Hey, I need to tell you something sort of important, but in person.
“Done,” I say between gritted teeth.
“You just started,” Kaitlynn corrects me.
“And I already hate—” I stop when the bubbles start jumping at the bottom of the screen, and my stomach starts to churn quicker. “I’m going to be sick.”
“So dramatic,” Kaitlynn says in time with my phone vibrating from the new text.
HAYDEN: Same! Come to my house for dinner tomorrow and we can talk.
Uh… That’s not how I want to do this.
“What did he say?” Kaitlynn’s bouncing impatiently.
“Well, uh…he wants me to come to his house for dinner tomorrow. He says he has something important to tell me too,” I say, stopping with my lips pooched awkwardly.
“Oh.” Kaitlynn sits back. “Baby steps?”
“I hate you so much.” I roll my eyes at her, then send a response.
MACKENZIE: OK