Chapter Seventeen Remi #2
Archer stayed focused on me as he leaned against the wall just a few feet away, checking my reaction to see if that was what I wanted.
Good luck with that, because even I wasn’t sure what that was.
“I didn’t handle it well,” he continued. “I haven’t handled anything well since I got out of that car.”
This wasn’t a time for me to speak, because it was important to hear what he had to say. Words would come. Plenty of them.
“But I swear to you, I told no one about how we met, and I’d never let my teammates or anyone disrespect you, even if they knew.”
“You disrespected me, Archer. The very first day,” I said. “You all but called me a whore.”
The anguish on his face was contagious, because I felt it twist my chest like it was attached to an invisible crank. “I have no excuses for why I spoke to you that way. There are none.”
“Try,” I said on a shaky whisper. “Try to explain it to me.”
He blew out a harsh breath. “I was embarrassed. You were on my mind constantly after we met, and to see you again . . . like this”—he spread his arms out—“it was my nightmare. I was showing up as the worst version of me.”
That was contagious, too, it seemed. “I’ve been doing that too,” I admitted quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“No, you don’t need to apologize.” He shook his head. “It was inexcusable. I know that. I felt sick saying it, and when you slapped me . . .”
“About that—”
His gaze flared. “Do not apologize for that. I deserved it.”
Somehow I managed a nod. I’d been about to do exactly that, even though I didn’t really regret it. Not then and not now. He had deserved it, and it felt really fucking good to stand up for myself.
It just felt like slapping someone in adulthood should come with at least a cursory apology, but what did I know? He’d been the one to pop that particular cherry.
Archer pushed off the wall, stepping closer. The space between us shrank by a foot, lifting the hairs on the back of my neck. His voice was rough when he asked, “If I apologized for that, would you believe me?”
Even a week earlier, I might have answered differently. At any other point on this strange roller coaster since he’d appeared in my life, we would have ended in a different place, but right now, I was able to meet his eyes unflinchingly and answer with naked honesty.
“Yes.”
His entire frame sank in relief, his eyes falling shut momentarily.
When he opened them again, they were blazing.
“I wasn’t taught how to apologize, because my entire existence was built to be above reproach.
But I am more sorry for what I said to you than anything I’ve done in my entire life.
” He settled his hand on his chest, fingers spread.
My hand itched to touch his, but that would be kindling in the middle of a wildfire.
There’d be no hope of ever putting out the flames.
“I haven’t felt right inside since I said it.
I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I hope someday you feel like I’ve earned it. ”
Twin tears tracked silently down my face. “Damn you, Archer,” I whispered shakily.
His brow wrinkled as if he were in pain. “Please don’t cry.”
“I cry over everything,” I told him with a wobbling smile. “Commercials. The movies Gavin makes me watch. A pretty sunset. It doesn’t take much. I swear, I gave birth and my hormones quadrupled, and now there’s no hope of keeping them contained.”
He wanted to reach for me, I could tell in the way he held himself perfectly still. Now I was the cagey one he was trying to coax closer, holding himself carefully so that I wouldn’t run.
The irony was not lost on me.
I brushed my cheeks and let out a deep breath. “You’re forgiven.”
There was no relief on his face. “Why do you still look so sad?”
Because I was sad. Because it made no sense if I tried to reason through it, and somehow that made me even sadder. I’d followed a pattern to keep my life making sense, and he was the biggest deviation on that path, and I didn’t know what to do about it.
“I have a list,” I blurted out.
“Okay.” He blinked. “What’s on it?”
“The kind of man I can handle having in my life.”
Archer sucked in a quick, sharp breath. “Tell me.”
I licked my dry lips, wiping at my chin.
“You have to understand something first. When I met Gavin’s father, he was .
. . he was everything. Charming and so handsome that it hurt.
He wooed me and said all the right things.
His family was wealthy, and so he spoiled me with gifts and extravagant dates.
For a few weeks, at least.” I let out a dry laugh.
“Pops warned me to be careful. But there was only so much he could do, you know? He was in his late sixties raising a teenager. He did his best, but I thought I was so smart. That I knew exactly who this guy was.”
His jaw was tight, but he listened patiently.
I closed my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “We dated for two whole months,” I said lightly. “And a couple weeks after I slept with him for the first time, he stopped calling me. Stopped answering my texts. I was the worst sort of cliché, and it’s embarrassing.”
“You were a kid.”
“I was. And I got pregnant after having sex four times.”
He glanced up at the ceiling, then back down at me. “What did he do?”
“Once I tracked him down at baseball practice, he handed me three hundred bucks and told me to take care of it because he didn’t want some bastard kid coming after him in eighteen years.”
His eyes fell shut. “Fucking hell.”
“Pretty much. Pops and I had some hard conversations, but in the end, he left it up to me. He’d support me no matter what. I decided to keep him and used the three hundred bucks to buy a car seat and some diapers.” I glanced at the picture on my desk. “And he’s the best thing I’ve ever done.”
“You never reached out to his father.”
“Never.” I held his gaze, daring him to tell me I should have done otherwise.
Archer’s face was implacable. Terrifying. “What’s his name?”
“Why, you gonna take him out for me?” I asked with a smile.
He didn’t smile back.
I rolled my eyes, but there was no heat behind it. “Archer, it’s fine. It was a decade ago, and I’m thankful I don’t have to share Gavin. I don’t have to undo someone else’s influence in trying to raise a good human. He’s mine. No one else’s.”
There was a thoughtful expression on his face. “So your list . . .”
“It’s protection. For me and for Gavin.” I shrugged weakly. “Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.”
Understanding lit up his eyes. “The guy you told me about at the bar.”
I smiled. “Yeah. I was the butt of a joke to him—or his friends, at least. But I shouldn’t have taken that out on you.
It just . . . triggered me, I guess.” Now it was Archer’s turn to look sad.
“I want . . . I want safe. Normal. A quiet love with someone perfectly average. Someone nice. Kind. Humble.”
The last word made his eyes flicker, the muscle in his jaw flex. “Normal.”
Slowly, I nodded. “You’ve seen my life, Archer.”
“It’s a good one. You’re a great mother. Great friend. Granddaughter. Boss.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the hallway outside my office. “And this? You’re actually making the world better. You’re not average, Remi. You are so far above it.”
The sweet, perfect words drenched some long-dried-out part of me that still wanted poetry and grand gestures.
I wasn’t just the rebel or the Siren. Once—even if it was a long time ago—I had been a romantic.
I’d forced myself to forget that too. “I’m no angel, Archer.
I gave as good as I got when you showed up. ”
His heated study of my face made my stomach clench. “I’m aware. It made me fucking crazy.”
Another step, and Archer was closer again.
“Archer,” I warned.
“What?”
My hands gripped the edge of my desk so hard, I thought it might snap off in my hands. “Don’t put me up on a pedestal.”
“I’m not. Tell me all your flaws, and I’ll decide if they’re a deal-breaker. Maybe I have a list of my own.”
“No, you don’t,” I chided.
He was unrepentant, inching closer with another step. “No, I don’t. But if I did, I can tell you what would be on it.”
“Don’t.”
“She’d have red hair.” The way he looked me over—thorough and intense—heated me to my throbbing core. “Green eyes that look blue sometimes. Hell of a swing.”
“Archer.” My eyes fell closed. “I was horrible to you. Do you know what I told Ness your first day?”
“Tell me.” His nose traced my temple, his exhales against my skin sending a shiver down my spine. “Tell me something bad. Please.”
My hands shook where I kept them anchored on the desk. “I wanted you to suffer while you were here. I told her I’d make you miserable.”
“You do. God, do you make me miserable.” Archer’s fingertips traced the edge of my jaw, and my heart skipped at the feel of his skin on mine.
“Every day I think about how you felt, how good you’d feel now that I know you.
How badly I want to kiss you. Remi, I am in agony not being able to touch you. ”
I cannot want Archer Evans.
Loving someone like him would tear apart the fabric of my carefully-held-together world. He’d eclipse everything. The stage was too big, the risk of disappointment and heartache too great. Not just for me but for Gavin too.
“I can’t,” I begged, insides quaking. “Please don’t make me push you away right now. I couldn’t bear it.”
For a moment, he let his forehead drop against the top of my head, his hands falling to the desk on either side of my hips. His chest was heaving. So was mine.
“Okay.” He dropped a whisper of a kiss to my forehead, then said it again, almost to himself. “Okay.”
As requested, he stepped back. Then stepped back again.
My senses cleared with each inch gained between us. Hopefully, his did too.
For a moment, we simply stared at each other. The anguish in his face was as clear as his ferocious desire. Mine probably looked similar.
My life—the tentative, chaotic nature of it—was the only thing holding me back from taking that one last step over the line.
“So is that a no to our date?” he asked.
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Laughed long and hard, clutching my stomach while he smiled fondly.
“Maybe we could be friends,” I said once I’d regained control.
Archer tilted his head, dragging his gaze from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and back up. “Do you want my honest answer or a pretty lie?”
I sucked in a sharp breath. “I think I’ll take a pretty lie right now.”
Archer smiled sadly. “Then yeah, I can be just friends.”
I cannot want Archer Evans.
So why did it feel like my heart cracked clean in half when he turned and left my office?