Chapter 6 Rupi #2
Simi has that look again, like she’s waded into the wrong pond and it’s made of quicksand.
“I’m not the one who . . .” Thankfully she doesn’t say the words, because that much I’ve taught her well. The only way you can get away with a crime is if you never speak of it to anyone.
She doesn’t need to say the words for me to know what she was about to say.
That she wasn’t the one who insisted we flee the scene and leave someone to die, if the bastard wasn’t already dead.
But that’s just idiotic. I didn’t raise her so she could go to jail because our mother had a talent for picking assholes.
It’s easy to talk about making choices when you have them.
“I know that choice was mine,” I say. “Which is why the consequences were mine. And god knows I’ve borne them alone.”
This time it’s like I’ve pulled the ground from beneath her. I don’t want her to feel guilty. That’s not why I’m here.
“I didn’t ask you to bear the consequences, Rupi. You never gave me a choice.”
I’m so darned tired. She’s right. I didn’t give her a choice.
She thinks she wanted those choices, but she doesn’t realize that would have meant both of us having no good choices instead of only one of us.
I was already broken enough to absorb the blow but not strong enough to watch my sister break.
When Vivek, our mother’s last husband, fell and hit his head after attacking Simi, she called me in a panic.
I got her out of there. No one saw us. Vivek didn’t survive, and two days later a cop showed up at our door.
He showed us the CCTV footage of Simi entering the room where they found Vivek dead.
It was two weeks before Simi was supposed to leave for Kentucky.
Even if we could prove that it was an accident, an investigation would have meant her not being able to leave the country.
It would have meant her losing an opportunity we’d both worked all our lives for.
Fortunately, the cop had no interest in an investigation.
Unfortunately, he wanted to be compensated for the hard work of deleting the footage.
His first choice for compensation was cash.
An amount so high, it meant his second choice for compensation was the only choice.
He let us decide which one of us would give him what he wanted.
Simi wanted to find a lawyer, report the cop, get justice. Simi was too naive by half. While she tried to come up with a solution, I went to the guy and got rid of the problem by giving him what he wanted.
Except it never works that way, does it?
“What happened after I left?” my sister asks, her voice breaking like she already knows the answer is going to be as unbearable as the memory.
“What do you think? He didn’t destroy the footage.”
“Oh my god, Rupi. Why didn’t you tell me?” She sits down next to me, and despite everything, the vise around my chest loosens.
“Because you were eight thousand miles away. And because we swore never to breathe a word about it.”
Simi presses her hand to her mouth. “Tell me what happened. Please.”
“He kept telling me he was going to destroy the evidence once he got bored with me.” So, I waited for that to happen while I distracted myself with caring for our ungrateful mother, who was no less vicious in her dying days than she was in her living days.
“After Ma died, he started pressuring me to sell the flat and give him money, getting angrier and angrier when I didn’t.
I even sold some of Ma’s jewelry and paid him off.
But he was impossible to get rid of. That’s when Ron and Tina showed up.
It felt like a chance for escape.” I watch Simi as shame wraps around her.
“What choice do you think I should have made?”
“I didn’t know any of this.” Her eyes are filled with pain, and my heart squeezes, which in turn makes me angry.
“What would you have done if you knew? You know now, and all you want is for me to go away. As always, you’re like iron filings at the wrong end of a magnet, scooting away from the problem.
I get that you’re terrified of bursting this pretty bubble you’ve built, but I didn’t come here to blow up your precious life.
That man you were siding with against your own sister, he’s the one who put us in this position.
He said he was your friend, so I trusted him.
I trusted that he would not bring me into the hospital. ”
Simi looks angry again. Unsurprising, given that coming face-to-face with your own failings is infuriating. I should know.
“Everything you did for me, you did without me asking for it,” she says. “Even with the cop, you made that choice for me. How was I supposed to do anything? Look at everything I’ve done when you weren’t here, insisting on doing it all so you could control everything?”
Wow, so this is the thanks I get. “Okay, fantastic. You have control now. I don’t see you rushing to help.”
“Of course I’ll help. But you have to let me think.
Blowing up your life at every turn is not the only way to do something, Rupi.
Self-destructive action is not better than inaction.
Building a life means controlling your rage and leashing your impulses.
It’s work. More work than doing the first thing that pops in your head. ”
The thing popping in my head right now is pure, unadulterated rage and disappointment. “Fine. So, sit there and think about how to save your own ass. I’ll figure my own shit out. The way I’ve always done.”
Simi makes the most frustrated sound. “Fine. Then tell me. What do you want? You want me to remove your IV? Help you run away and maybe lose my job over it? No, wait, how about I go out there and back up your lie. Tell them, yes, she’s getting married to Prem Gupta.
Then what? They let you just walk out of here because you’re marrying someone with insurance?
That’s not how insurance works, Rupi. Or maybe I bring Prem in here and force him to marry you.
Boom. Done. You’re safe. No one can throw you out of the country.
No more running. No more worrying. All your problems gone! ”
I push myself up to sitting. My heart is racing in a whole new way. “You know, that’s the only decent idea you’ve had thus far. Let’s do it. Call your rasgulla in. You’re so sure he loves you. Let’s put him to the test. See how far he’ll go for love.”
For the first time in my life, my sister looks at me with true loathing. Great, she’s let a man become more important than herself and her family. Now, where have I seen that before?
I lie back down. “No? Don’t feel like testing out what love means?
I didn’t think so. Because that would mean actually understanding what love means.
I don’t want your damn boyfriend, Simi. What I want is for you to care about what happens to me.
I am so incredibly tired of being alone.
Tell me something, do you remember feeling alone even for a minute when we were growing up?
We were so alone. The most fragile, unprotected beings on this earth, but put your damn hand on your heart and tell me if you ever felt alone.
Do you know why that is? Because I never let you.
Do you think it was easy? When I, myself, was a child? ”
Simi looks like I just crushed her, again. Which feels too much like being crushed myself, again. I don’t want that. I don’t want to care when Simi looks like this.
I let out the sigh that’s trapped so deep inside, it drains me on its way out.
“Truth is, I didn’t feel alone either. Because I never let myself think about myself as separate from you.
When you left, I felt like someone ripped off parts of me.
Maybe that’s why I’m here. Because for one moment, I want to feel whole again.
Of course I don’t want you to destroy the life you built.
I just want you to take me into that life for one blessed moment and keep me safe until I can feel strong again.
Do you know how hard it is for me to ask for your help?
But I came because you are my very last hope.
The edge of my cliff. And you don’t care.
You’re just another person who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. You’re worse than Ma.”
“Please stop saying that.” All these years later, that’s still the worst thing we can say to each other.
All our lives we’ve had to teach ourselves that there are other ways to be, choices to make so our life looks nothing like our mother’s. We’ve had to ask ourselves what would Abha Naik do? and do the exact opposite.
Then help me. Think about me I want to say, but I can’t bring myself to beg more than I already have. “It stings, because it’s true,” I say instead.
Simi’s head snaps up. “What about you? Do you think you’ve escaped Ma? You’re exactly like her too. With your eyes on the next easy way out.”
I sit up again, and my head swims. I feel insubstantial, like the spinning in my head might make me float away.
“Easy way out?” How can I not laugh at that?
“You know what, go to hell. I don’t want your help.
Forget I asked. I survived without you before.
I’ll survive again. Seriously. Go. Get out.
I don’t want you here. I don’t want you, Simi. ”