Chapter 11
Get Your Own Twink
Gavin
The football keeps going up and down, up and down, while I try to figure out how to start this conversation. Tyler's sprawled on my bed, still in his workout gear, scrolling through his phone like we're not about to have the most awkward talk of our friendship.
"You gonna tell me why you're being weird, or should I keep pretending I don't notice?" He doesn't even look up.
The ball slips. I fumble the catch. "I'm not being weird."
"You've been tossing that ball for ten minutes without saying anything. That's your thinking face." Now he looks up, brown eyes knowing. "The one you get before big games."
"It's nothing."
"Gavin."
"Really, I just—"
"Is this about Sebastian?"
The football hits my dresser with a thunk. "How did you… What?"
Tyler sits up, grinning. "Bro, you've been walking around with heart eyes for a week. Also, Rex won't shut up about you having a crush on your tutor."
"Fucking Rex."
"So it's true?"
I drop into my desk chair, suddenly exhausted. "I don't know. Maybe. Yes?"
"That's definitive."
"Fuck off." But there's no heat in it. "This is... complicated."
"Because he's a guy?"
The words hang there. Tyler's watching me with this patient expression, like he's got all the time in the world, which he does. That's what best friends do.
"Yeah," I admit. "Because he's a guy."
Tyler nods slowly. "Okay. And?"
"And what?"
"And what else? Because you've known gay people exist since freshman year, when you moved here, and I came out to you before Halloween. So what's different now?"
I scrub my face, trying to find words. "I didn't think... I never considered it could be me. You know? Like, I obviously supported you. Love is love, I believe that. But I never thought about guys that way."
"Until Sebastian."
"Yeah… Until Seb. Well, maybe a bit before that, but yeah. Umm Ty, please don't hate me for it, but..." The words tumble out in a rush. "I kinda noticed Ethan is hot."
The admission hangs there. Can't take it back now.
"And like… fuck, I'm not into him! Would never, EVER do that to you, you gotta know that.
But yeah, I noticed? When he walked into our Halloween in that fucking outfit and you just…
your whole face changed, and I was watching you fall for him and thinking 'oh, that makes sense, he's gorgeous' and then I realized what I was thinking and—"
I'm talking faster now, words crashing into each other.
"—and then there's James and Caleb being all weird and intense and somehow working? And I started noticing how guys look and move and… shit, this is coming out wrong—"
"Gavin." Tyler's voice cuts through my spiral. Calm. Maybe amused?
"I'm not explaining this right. I just meant I started seeing guys differently? Like actually seeing them? And your boyfriend happens to be really fucking pretty, but that's just an observation, like noticing the sky is blue, and now there's Doc, and I can't stop thinking about—"
"G." Definitely amused now. "Breathe."
I finally look at him. He's not mad. Actually looks like he's trying not to laugh.
"You done?" he asks.
"Maybe?"
"Good. First, thanks for confirming my boyfriend's hot. I'm aware." He grins at my expression. "Second, you think I don't know the difference between 'I've discovered I can find men attractive' and 'I want your man'?"
"I really don't—"
"I know. You just said Ethan's pretty like the sky is blue. Most unsexy comparison ever, by the way."
"I panicked!"
"Clearly." He leans back, studying me. "So you started noticing guys. When?"
I think back. "Maybe... around when you two got together? Seeing you so happy made me pay attention differently. Does that make sense?"
"Makes total sense. And now there's Seb, who's not just pretty like the sky—"
"Now there's Seb," I confirm, then the rest spills out. "I can't stop thinking about him, Ty. His stupid messy hair and how he gets this little crease between his eyebrows when he's concentrating, and his hands are so fucking small, but he threw that axe like—" I catch myself. "Shit."
"Why did you take him axe-throwing for your first date?”
"It wasn't a date."
"Sure sounds like a date."
"It was tutoring!"
Tyler's eyebrows climb toward his hairline. "You're tutoring him?"
"Don't sound so shocked." Defensive much? "We made a deal to trade … skills. I'm tutoring him, and he's… He's teaching me about... stuff. "
I feel my face scrunch together as I cringe. It sounds crazy out loud.
"Stuff."
"Umm… Gay stuff."
Tyler starts laughing. Actually laughing, the asshole. "Wait, wait. Let me get this straight, pun intended. You're questioning your sexuality, so instead of talking to your Bi best friend and his gay boyfriend, you made a deal with a hot pre-med student to teach you about being gay?"
"When you say it like that..."
"That's the most Gavin thing I've ever heard." He's wiping his eyes. "Turning sexual crisis into an academic project. Fuck, I love you."
"I didn't want to ask you!" The words burst out. "I didn't want to know... things. About you and Ethan. Because I wasn't… I didn't—"
"You weren't attracted to me," Tyler finishes, still grinning. "Thank god. That would've been weird."
"So weird."
"My ego's not that fragile, G. I know I'm not your type."
"I don't have a type. I didn't even admit I liked guys until—" I stop.
"Until Sebastian," Tyler finishes. "Who is very much your type, apparently."
"He's..." How do I even describe him? "He's brilliant. Like, scary smart. And passionate about his work and secretly funny when he forgets to be anxious. And yeah, okay, he's fucking gorgeous."
"The geek group does attract a certain aesthetic," Tyler agrees.
"You've seen them?"
"Ethan pointed them out once. Computer and science guys, right? They're all pretty cute if you like the nerdy twink vibe."
"Is that what I like? The nerdy twink vibe?"
"You tell me." Tyler's smirking now. "How much time do you spend thinking about Sebastian's—"
"All the fucking time!" I blurt out. "His ass, Ty. In these jeans he wears. I want to pick him up and—" I make a vague gesture.
"Carry him around?"
"YES. Is that weird? That's weird, right?"
"Nah, man. Some guys are into it. Ethan loves when I—"
"La La La, not listening!"
Tyler throws a pillow at me. "You literally just asked!"
"Changed my mind. Some things best friends don't need to share. And the whole house has heard you to fucking… Don't pretend like you didn't know." I wave my finger at him, "Remember, we all had to buy noise-canceling headphones because of how much you… You know.. to Ethan."
His mock bow tells me exactly how much he doesn't care that we've all heard just how good he makes Ethan feel.
We're quiet for a moment, then Tyler asks, "So what happened? You said Rex mentioned you have a crush, which means… What changed?"
I groan, remembering Tuesday night. "He... might have told me he likes me."
"Might have?"
"Did. Definitely did. In my truck after axe throwing."
"And you said...?"
"Nothing. I fucking froze, Ty. He's telling me he talks to his roommates about me, about my 'good hands,' and I just..." I mime my brain exploding.
"Oh, G."
"I know. I fucked up."
"Why'd you freeze?"
The question sits heavy because I know why. Have been trying not to think about why.
"My dad," I admit quietly. "Started thinking about what he'd say. How he'd react. Whether I'm ready to lose my family over this."
Tyler moves to the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees. "Your dad's an asshole."
"Yeah."
"But he doesn't get to decide who you are."
"I know that. Logically. But when Seb was sitting there, being brave enough to admit he likes me, all I could hear was Dad's voice. All the shit he used to say about—" I swallow. "Doesn't matter."
"It does matter." Tyler's voice is firm. "But it doesn't have to control you."
"How'd you do it? With your parents?"
"Well, Mom hasn't come around yet… but that's on her. Dad—" Tyler laughs and rubs a hand on the back of his neck. "Dad just asked if Ethan treats me right." He shrugs. "Got lucky there."
"Yeah."
"But it doesn't matter, G, I still would've chosen to be myself. Because the alternative is what? Pretending forever?"
He's right. I know he's right. "Doc probably thinks I'm not interested now."
"So tell him you are."
"It's not that simple. What if I'm just... experimenting? What if I hurt him?"
Tyler studies me. "Do you think you're experimenting?"
I think about Doc's laugh. His hands on that axe. The way he lights up talking about medicine. How I want to know every thought in his head.
"No," I admit. "I think I'm just crazy about him."
"Then stop overthinking and do something about it."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, talk to him? Take him on an actual date? Stop pretending this is about tutoring when you clearly want to bone?"
"It's not just about… okay, I definitely want to… but it's more than that!"
"I know." Tyler's smiling softer now. "I can tell. You look at him the way I look at Ethan."
"Sappy?"
"Completely whipped."
"Fuck." But I'm smiling too. "Hey, Ty?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. For not making this weird."
"Oh, I'm gonna make it weird," he promises. "Gonna tease you forever about your taste in angry twinky geeks. But I'm happy for you, man. Really."
The tension in my chest loosens. "Even if it changes things? With the team? The house?"
"The house won’t care, I promise. The team… Some of the guys might be dicks," Tyler admits. "But the ones who matter won't care. And you'll have me and Ethan and Drew in your corner."
"Drew knows?"
"Probably, Drew knows everything. It's creepy, honestly."
I laugh, feeling lighter than I have all week. Then remember: "Hey, don't tell Ethan I said he was hot."
"Why not?"
"Because that's weird! That's like me telling you I think your boyfriend's hot!"
"You literally just did."
"As an example!"
"Sure, G. We'll go with that." Tyler stands, stretching. "But seriously, hands off. Get your own twink."
"Working on it."
"Work harder. Ask him out properly. And maybe lead with 'sorry I panicked' instead of 'hey, let's practice reading body language with your six roommates.'"
"That's not—" I pause. "Actually, that's exactly what I was planning."
"I know you, bro. You're about as subtle as a brick."
"Fuck you, I can be subtle."
"You once asked a girl if she wanted to 'study anatomy' as a pickup line."
"That was freshman year!"
"Last month you told the barista her eyes were 'the exact color of the ocean at sunset.'"
"They were!"
"She was wearing colored contacts, G. They were purple."
Okay, maybe I'm not subtle. "Doc seems to like my lack of subtlety."
"Then you're perfect for each other." Tyler heads for the door, pausing to look back. "Hey. I'm proud of you, you know? This isn't easy."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. And G? When you do ask him out properly, maybe lead with how you're secretly a genius. Nerds love that shit."
"How do you—" I stop. "Fuck. Drew told you about Mensa."
"Drew tells me everything he thinks I need to know. Hundred and fifty-eight IQ, and you've been playing dumb this whole time?" He shakes his head, grinning. "Sebastian's gonna lose his shit when he finds out."
"If he'll still talk to me."
"He will. Trust me. Anyone who looks at you the way he was looking at you at the bar?" Tyler winks. "You've got this."
After he leaves, I sit there for a while, tossing the football up and catching it and thinking about Tuesday night. About Doc's face when he admitted he likes me. About how badly I want to make that right.
My phone buzzes.
Twink Doc
Are you free tonight?
My roommates want to meet you properly
For the tutoring thing
I stare at the texts, heart doing stupid flips. He's actually reaching out after Tuesday.
Me
I'm free
Give me 20 minutes?
Twink Doc
You don't have to come
Me
I want to
We should talk anyway
About Tuesday
The typing bubbles appear and disappear several times. Finally:
Twink Doc
Okay
Me
Okay
Twink Doc
Fair warning, my roommates are a lot
Me
Can't be worse than mine
Twink Doc
...you'd be surprised
They found out about our arrangement
They're very excited
Me
Should I be worried?
Twink Doc
Probably
Definitely
I'm sorry in advance
I grin at my phone like an idiot, already grabbing my keys. The fact that he's warning me means he cares what they think. That's... that's good, right?