Chapter Twenty-Four
Kami
“ Y -you’re what?” I’m frozen where I sit. What is he doing? I let him go. He doesn’t have to pretend anymore.
“Kami, every word I said is true and will continue to be until the day I die. Our relationship may have started out under false pretenses, but I still want you. Forever and always.”
“We don’t have to lie anymore.” What part of he’s free to go does he not get?
“I’m not.”
What do I do? What if history repeats itself and I end up more brokenhearted than before? I can’t risk that, but…I can’t ignore this growing need for him, either.
Without saying another word, I storm out of the dining room to my bedroom and close and lock the door behind me. I need quiet, peace. Something to help me see clearly again, but my mind is like a thick fog of emotion.
I’m in such a panic as I pace back and forth that I barely notice the knock on my door—and a soft, masculine voice calling out to me. Ian’s voice. “Kami, are you okay?”
I remain silent.
“Let’s talk about this.”
I scoff out of nervousness. “What is there to talk about?”
“My proposal isn’t a joke or something to manipulate you if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“I never thought you were doing any of those things. You just…caught me by surprise.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
I hesitate. “Why?”
“Why propose to you?”
“Just…why me?”
“I think you already—”
I walk closer to the door. I can see the shadow of his feet underneath. “I remember what you said last night, but I don’t know why. Why are you feeling what you’re feeling?” I can’t believe him. I want to, but I can’t.
“From the moment I met you, your wit and spark is what attracted me to you. Despite our charade, your compassion and loyalty to the ones you love is something I’ve never seen in anyone before. I don’t think I can let go of someone who takes my fucking breath away every time I see her face.”
I shake my head. “Yes, but what is your reasoning? What logic is there? This is the first time in a decade that you get to live life. You get to start over and live it the way you want to. Why waste that on me?”
“I’m not wasting it. Not when what I want is right in front of me.”
He’s not listening. “You say that now…”
The grass is always greener on the other side.
“Is that what you think of me, that I have a wandering eye?”
I sigh. “You’ll want something better eventually.”
“You’re not your mom, and I’m not her ex who said you weren’t enough.” His words are like a gun that goes off without notice. “You’ve convinced yourself nothing good will last because you were constantly met with disappointment and heartbreak. Don’t let some cheating asshole tell you what you’re worthy of.”
I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve his love. “I’ll fuck it up, or something will happen between us that will rip you out of my hands.”
“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”
I cross my arms over my chest, holding back my tears. “You seriously quoting that Hillary Duff princess movie right now?”
“Just because someone didn’t want you the way you wanted them to, doesn’t make you any less worthy of love. You are always brutally honest with the people around you, but you’re never honest with yourself. Admit it. You’re denying yourself what you want because you’re scared of making the same mistakes someone else made. You want to be wanted, but you’re also too scared to go after it.”
“I’m not scared,” I deny pitifully.
“You are so scared that you’d rather try to micromanage everyone else than deal with the fact that you’re lonely.”
His truthful words are like a sharp slap in the face. I unlock the door and pull it open. Ian’s solemn expression comes into view. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it, though?” He walks into the room, closing the door behind him. “Don’t close off your heart because you’re afraid.”
I stand in defiance. As much as I want this man, I don’t want to find out the hard way he doesn’t intend on being with me. He doesn’t see it now, but he’ll change his mind eventually. Why be a sitting duck? “I think you should leave.”
He pauses in thought as though he just realized something. “Is that why you had sex with me last night? You thought by giving yourself to me that I’d leave you for good. That I’d get my fill.”
I stand there in stunned silence. I should be happy we’re now on the same page, but instead I feel a pit in my stomach.
I’m hurting him. Why am I hurting him?
After a long moment of silence, he clenches his jaw, walks to his duffel bag, tosses it onto the bed, and starts throwing his clothes inside.
“W-what are you doing?”
“Giving you what you want. You said you wanted to be alone, right? Well, you got it. I’m out of here.”
He thinks leaving is what I want. There was a time when that was true, but now, I watch him with horror.
He stops moving, breathes a heavy sigh, and slowly turns to face me. “Kami, try to picture for me in your mind what your life will be like twenty years from now. What does that look like to you?”
I look away from him, shaking my head, tears falling from my eyes uncontrollably. I can’t say anything because I don’t know what to say.
“If the picture is of you alone,” he continues, “then so be it.”
He starts to walk into the bathroom when I grab his bicep. I cling to him with a hard grip.
No. Don’t walk away. Not like this.
“No. That’s not what I want. I don’t want you to go.”
Turning his body toward me, he towers over my petite figure. He sends me a hard and direct stare. “Then what do you want?”
I shake my head. “It’s not that simple.”
“What do you want?” he repeats the question.
“Well, I don’t want you to leave,” I tell him.
He stares at me unfazed. “What do you want?”
“I told you, it’s not that simple,” I snap.
“What. Do. You. Want?”
I take a deep breath, putting all fears, anxieties, and insecurities aside. What do I want? I want sanity, stability, and for once to feel like no one is going to abandon me.
I can’t answer that question, even though it’s burning in my mind. “I’m scared to say.”
“Why?”
“I-I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do know.”
I inhale a sob. “I-I’m scared of everything.”
“What do you mean by everything?”
“This.” I point between us. “I’m scared of what could happen, of trusting myself, and I’m scared of watching you walk, never feeling for the rest of my life how I feel when I’m with you.” That confession slips from my lips. “So please, don’t leave.”
Ian leans his face toward mine. “So what do you want?”
“I want…you.”
“And what is it about me that you want?”
I know what I think, but I can no longer hide what I feel. “Everything. Your smile, your warmth, your light. My world is cold, unfeeling, and meaningless without you. I want you because of your optimism, your patience, and kindness. You give me sanity in a world full of chaos. I don’t know how, but when you’re around, everything just makes sense.”
Slouching my shoulders and losing my posture, I collapse onto the bed. Everything I’ve had pent up for so long now feels nonexistent. Everything I ever felt is out in the open.
Crouching beside me, Ian hooks a finger under my chin and wipes away my tears. I look into those hazel eyes I can never resist.
“I don’t want to go either,” he replies. “I never want to leave you. I could never let you go.”
I fight back more tears that threaten to well up. “Y-you want to stay?”
“Yes. And I will stay with you because I want you for forever and eternity. Even when you’re sick and tired of me, I’ll still want you because I love you.”
For the first time since I’ve met Ian, I finally understand what he’s been trying to tell me. That he really means it when he says he wants me, that he loves me.
“I-I love you, too,” I confess without hesitation. “I want all of you, forever. Nothing else.”
Just as the words escape my lips, he wraps me in his arms and crashes his lips to mine.
The kiss is passionate, filling me with a sense of calm, relief, and overwhelming joy.
I wrap my arms around his neck, leaning into the kiss. His scent and taste are everywhere, and I’m loving it.
He pulls away, getting down on one knee and revealing the ring again. A thin gold band, adorned with a small and simple but elegant diamond, is perched in the middle of the box. “Would you do me the honor of making me the happiest man in the world and marrying me?”
I can’t stop crying and smiling at the same time.
“Yes. Yes. She’ll marry you,” I hear my mom’s muffled yell from the other side of the door.
Ian and I laugh, before I respond, “Yes. And so many yeses after that.”