Chapter 73
SEVENTY-THREE
Maya smiled warmly as Gracie pulled up outside her flat. Boris was wagging his tail furiously in the back seat.
‘It’s so good to see you.’ Maya gave her a big kiss on the cheek. ‘It’s been too long.’
Gracie beamed. ‘Yes, it has. I’ve got so much to tell you.’
‘Are you sure you’re all right going to the common? I mean, it’s your workplace now.’
‘I need a long walk and Boris needs to let off steam, so it’s perfect.’
‘It’s such a beautiful day, too,’ Maya added.
Gracie pulled into the car park and was relieved that Ed’s van wasn’t there. She hadn’t heard a word from him since the episode the other night, and was really glad that she hadn’t. She’d just have to avoid the main car park from now on and hope she didn’t bump into him too often.
‘Coffee first?’ Gracie suggested.
‘Yes, why not?’
Boris barked. ‘We won’t be long, Muttley, I promise.’
Gracie headed into the familiar Windmill Café while Maya waited outside on a bench with the dog. She had asked for a smoothie instead of her usual black coffee.
‘We can sit up at the end so nobody sees you smoking, if you like?’ Gracie offered as she put their drinks down on the table.
‘No, here is fine, we are in the sun.’
‘So… tell me what’s happening with you. Still working hard at the café?’
‘I’m pregnant, Gracie.’ Maya was never anything short of direct.
‘Shit. And by the look on that face you really don’t want to be? Whose is it?’
‘He’s a married man.’
‘Oh, Maya.’
‘I know. Tell me about it. I’m on the pill but had had a bit of a stomach upset that week. It must have affected it – how’s my luck?’
‘Have you told him?’
‘No bloody way. He had already said that he didn’t want children. This would tip him over the edge.’
Gracie looked pained.‘Oh, god. I’m sorry you are going through this.’
Maya started to rush with her words. ‘I know you must think of me badly as he’s married… especially after what you’ve been through, but the really sad thing is I love him, Gracie. Like properly love him. I feel like my body and mind is taken over when he makes love to me. And I really don’t know what to do.’ The usually tough-as-nails Maya started to cry.
‘Oh, baby girl. Don’t cry.’
‘And… this is so cruel for you, too, someone who would die to be in my position, right now.’
‘Don’t even think about that. These things happen and it wasn’t like you trapped him or anything.’
‘I really didn’t. And as much as I love him, he came and told me that he was making a go of it with his wife just the other day. I am nobody’s second best, Gracie. In fact, I always used to say I’m far too big to be a bit on the side – and then I fucked him. I’ve been fucking him for months.’
‘Sadly we don’t always choose who we fall in love with, Maya. Have you thought about what you want to do?’
‘I’ve got so many plans for the future. I’m twenty-two, Gracie. I would have to go back home if I had a baby. I would never be able to afford to stay here and I’m too proud to take benefits.’
‘So are you thinking of an abortion, then?’
‘I can’t do that either. My mother would kill me. She is so religious.’
‘She wouldn’t have to know.’
‘OK, my mother is an excuse… I can’t do that. I would never forgive myself.’
‘So you have to tell the father and he must support you.’
‘No. I can’t be beholden to him. I want him to want me for me and – as much as I could still have him in my life if I told him this, he made it clear that he doesn’t want to see me again.’ Maya took a deep breath. ‘It would just be too painful.’
Gracie sighed. ‘There has to be a solution. Have you thought about adoption?’
‘I did consider it but I don’t know where to start.’
‘OK. Things got so bad with Lewis that it was never discussed further than that it could be an option, but I’ll happily get some details for you. I’ll help you as much as I can, Maya, I promise you.’
‘Gracie, you are such a lovely person. I’m glad you are in my life.’ Maya sniffed loudly.
Gracie took a sip of her coffee. The past few months had certainly pushed her to her limits. Lana wanting a miscarriage; Renee’s struggle with her IVF journey; Annalize losing the baby that she’d thought was Lewis’s; and now Maya not having any choice in her mind other than to give up a child for adoption. So many women, so many difficult issues to face in their lives, and she had helped them or was helping them all.
She had learnt and listened and been able to convey the pain she had felt and put it to good use. It made her feel happy in a way, happy that her babies hadn’t died in vain.
‘You are a beautiful person too, Maya Bakova. You gave me the kick up the arse I needed to move on from Lewis. Ed hasn’t worked out, but he was good for me initially. He did show me the affection I was craving at the right time.’
‘Is it over with him, then?’
‘Yes, I finished it the other night, he wasn’t happy.’
‘I’m sorry, Gracie.’
‘I’m not. It was the right decision, for both of us, and he will see that eventually.’
‘And… Lewis?’
‘I think about him every day. Mainly what could have been. We’d have our little family now. How different life would be. A few times when Ed was mean, I did think about what Lewis and I had. I felt a pure love for him, safe. It is just so sad that I can’t forget what he did.’
‘Sex is so different for men, Gracie. We get so much more involved, I reckon. They can just stick their cocks in and out of whoever they please, and then walk off with no emotion.’
Gracie smiled. ‘You so have a way with words, Maya.’
‘Think of it as a function men have to perform. Like drinking or going to the toilet. It has nothing to do with their hearts or feelings, just their dicks. Think of it like that with Lewis. He wanted the sex, not the person. A throw-away shag.’
‘But the deceit will never go away.’
‘Were you having sex at the time?’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘It is. Just think that instead of him having sex, he went out for a drink. Quenched his sexual thirst and came back again.’
‘That makes it sound so simple.’
‘It is that simple. Men are animals; they are physical. Lewis didn’t stop loving you for one moment, I’m sure of that. His heart and his head weren’t connected that night. He was drunk.’
‘And how would I know he’d never do it again?’
‘How do we know anything, Gracie? I don’t even think we should be monogamous, to be honest – it’s a strange concept in my view.’
‘I would never be unfaithful.’ As she said it, Gracie thought back to her night with Leo, that not a single soul, apart from Noms, knew about. She had done the same to Ed, really. Gone behind his back.
‘Anyway, it’s you we need to be talking about. How you are feeling and how far gone are you?’ Gracie looked to Maya’s tiny tummy.
‘I’ve literally just missed my period so just feel a bit sick, but that’s all.’
‘OK. Let me make some enquiries. I will just find out the process for you, won’t give any details. Are you one hundred per cent sure this is what you want?’
‘No, none of the scenarios are right. But at least with adoption, the child will have a chance. If I abort, I give up their chance of life. If I tell the father, I give up my chance of life as I know it.’
‘Well, I’m here for you all the way. If you need to talk, call me whatever time it is.’
‘Gracie, you are a special lady – don’t ever let anyone say any different.’
Just then, Boris barked from under the table.
‘Sorry, Boris, we forgot about you, you’ve been so patient. Come on, boy.’
‘Oh, before I forget, Gracie. I got this for you.’ Maya handed her a small black jewellery box.
Looking confused, Gracie opened it slowly, then let out a cry of surprise and gave Maya a hug. For there inside, on a little red piece of velvet, was tiny faux-diamond nose stud.
‘I know you’ve always wanted one. Go on, be brave. I think it will suit you.’
Gracie laughed. ‘Oh shit, I have no excuse now. Thanks, Maya, that’s so thoughtful of you. But don’t you think I’m a bit old for a nose piercing?’
‘Gracie, age is just a number. Besides, you’re never too old to do something that makes you feel bold and beautiful.’
Gracie felt a warmth run through her. ‘And just look at our friendship. Age hasn’t even come into that.’
‘Exactly!’ Maya smiled.
Boris was now whining very loudly.
‘Come on, mister. Let’s walk you, before you internally combust.’