Chapter 16
16
Sun Tzu doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
BELLA, DRUNK.
He shouldn’t have let her in the damn door, he thought as he hastily pulled on a pair of jeans and a tee. Though, to be fair, once he had even the slightest inkling of her determination to get blind drunk, there was no way he’d been remotely willing to let her loose without a chaperone either. So, that was where he found himself: hurrying to play chaperone to a wannabe wayward socialite.
Not that she was a socialite in the way he’d once meant. Their conversation from the gallery came back to him. He frowned. What on earth had happened between then and now, that she turned up like this on his doorstep? And thank God it had been his doorstep, he thought with relief.
Until he returned to the living room to find Bella pacing in front of the window. The restless energy was new on her. It drew her body in different lines and colours. Chase passed a hand over his mouth, watching her as she walked back and forth unseeing of the view beyond the window, the sight of which made him clench his other fist.
It was getting harder and harder to deny his attraction to her, but that didn’t mean a thing right now. Because the woman who hated being out of control was currently doing her very best to get completely shitfaced.
‘Bella, do you want to tell me what’s going on?’ he asked, with a sigh.
She bit the inside of her cheek, considering his question. Eventually she shook her head, her hair swinging across her face as she spun elegantly back to the view.
He opened his mouth to argue, but stopped when she spun back to him, only slightly off balance.
‘I’m a good person,’ she said, as if he’d accused her of not being one.
‘I know.’
‘I am good,’ she stressed. ‘I’m a good daughter, a good friend, a good colleague. Mostly.’
He wasn’t sure about the mostly, but he was fairly confident about the rest. And couldn’t even remotely imagine her being a bad daughter.
‘I’m good even when I’m being bad,’ she announced.
Chase didn’t mean to intentionally scoff out loud, but when he looked up at her staring mutinously at him, he realised she’d heard.
‘I’ve been bad,’ she said, swinging her glass towards him, rather recklessly as far as the carpet was concerned, and he couldn’t help but laugh.
‘I’ve been bad!’ she insisted over his chuckle. ‘I’ve done things,’ she said, and he supposed it was supposed to sound ominous, but it just made him laugh harder.
‘Bella, your definition of bad is not making the bed in the morning,’ he stated, leaning back on the sofa and enjoying the flush of indignation rising on her cheeks.
She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t seem to find the words.
‘That’s okay, Bella,’ he said. ‘It’s okay if that’s who you are.’
‘But it’s not okay. Because… because…’
He watched her grapple for an answer and slowly the humour of the moment twisted and changed. Because she was reaching for something he could damn near see written on the air between them, but that she couldn’t quite bring herself to say.
‘Because it doesn’t get you what you want,’ he read in her gaze.
Grey eyes glittered like snowflakes in the setting sun. The idea that Bella’s wants had been discarded… not with her asshat ex who had left her alone to confront a mess of his making. The way she was, the person she was… he could see it. Could see why she moved through the world trying not to make ripples. Christ, given what happened when she was younger, her sister’s illness, he could see how wanting anything for herself would have been hard.
And suddenly he wanted to see what Bella was like when she made ripples. When she tried to. Now, that would be something.
‘So, what is it that you want?’ he couldn’t stop himself from asking.
She looked at him, confusion in her eyes, morphing to sadness.
The only people who didn’t know the answer to that question either never allowed themselves to stop and ask, or had never expected their wants to be met. And with a sucker punch, Chase realised that Bella was the latter.
‘I want my friend to be happy.’
He wasn’t sure who this friend was, but Bella was missing the point. ‘What do you want? For yourself.’
She held his gaze until she couldn’t. Her head dropping and with those little shakes as she stared at the carpet, she replied, ‘I don’t know.’
The silence that hung between them wasn’t uncomfortable. But he also wasn’t sure that he believed her. She might have thrown a wall between herself and her wants but until she was ready to admit that they were there, that they were valid and that it was fine to have wants and to go for them, she would only be living a half-life.
And as someone who had reached for his wants, had them in his grasp and lost them, he truly knew what that half-life was like to live. And it was no life at all.
‘I…’
Say it, he dared her mentally. Tell me what it is you want.
‘I want to get really, really drunk,’ she announced before necking the rest of her scotch.
And he smiled, even if he was partially disappointed that she hadn’t been able to say what it was that she wanted, because he was also partially relieved. There was enough beginning to build between them. Honesty might be the thing that tipped them over the edge and he wasn’t sure that either of them needed that right now.
* * *
Bella was going to die. She hadn’t even opened her eyes yet. Surely no one could survive this much physical pain and nausea. Every single time she inhaled she thought she might actually pass out.
She reached up to press a hand to her forehead. It felt feverish and she groaned again.
‘Here. Drink and swallow.’
She tensed and inhaled a gasp of shock.
Who? What? Wait…
Chase?
The sound of a glass being placed onto the bedside table made her flinch and she scrunched her closed eyes even more shut. Where was she? And, more importantly, why was Chase there?
‘Ahh. Memory blank? Well, you did have a fair amount to drink last night.’
Scotch. That was why her tongue felt like a carpet. Urgh.
Scotch. Paige. Olly… Chase .
She whimpered.
‘Drink the water, take the pills and get in the shower,’ Chase ordered before leaving her alone.
She remembered going to his door. Remembered the towel around his waist, the scotch. His sofa.
Her heart lurched. Why was she in a bed? Whose bed was she in? Oh God, was she even wearing clothes? She lifted the covers, glaring down at bare legs and arms. She was wearing her underwear and a vest, but still… how had she?
No. Nonononononononononono.
She shoved a hand over her own mouth to stop the sound from coming out.
What had she done?
Her breaths came shallow and quick. Which only made the nausea worse. There was a genuine possibility that she might actually be sick. She looked around the room, recognising her things, so at least she was in her own apartment. But if he’d brought her home, why was he still here?
‘Stop overthinking, Bella, and get in the damn shower,’ Chase called through from the other room.
She whimpered again and gingerly made her way to the bathroom.
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Bella spent the two minutes she allowed herself in the shower to try to figure out a way of getting rid of him. But when she emerged, nearly five minutes later, washed, dried, moisturised – which didn’t help nearly as much as she’d hoped – she still hadn’t thought of a way to get rid of him.
She needed to think. She needed space. She needed not to think of him standing there in a towel and nothing else.
She dressed quickly and went looking for him in the other room, trying not to squeal in horror when she saw him on the sofa reading Delia’s book.
‘Oh Jesus Christ,’ she said, before she could stop herself.
Chase’s eyes snapped to hers and he laughed. ‘Bella! Language.’
‘Get out,’ she snapped while holding onto her head to make sure that it didn’t fall off.
‘What kind of person would I be, if left you alone with what I’m fairly confident is one hell of a hangover?’
‘I’m fine,’ she insisted, hoping that she wasn’t about to throw up.
He cocked his head to one side and she scrunched her eyes shut again, hating the way that made her feel almost sea sick.
‘Could you… not,’ she said, gesturing to him with her hand – the other one was still holding onto her head.
‘Fat, sugar, carbs and fresh air,’ he declared.
Bile rose in the back of her throat. ‘I don’t think I can,’ she admitted, the hand holding her head moving to her stomach.
‘’Tis the only way, I’m afraid.’
She whimpered again.
‘Don’t worry, I’ve got you,’ he promised, holding her coat out for her to put her arms into.
It was probably easier just to do what he said, rather than to try and think for herself, so she decided to go with it.
‘Out of curiosity,’ he asked as he ushered her down the hallway, ‘what’s the last thing you remember?’
She felt the blood drain from her face. ‘Why?’
‘No reason,’ he replied, rather too innocently for her liking.
‘I remember you putting ice in my whisky glass,’ she offered.
What do you want? For yourself?
Her head throbbed, trying to remember what had happened after, and the blank space made her back away from the elevator.
‘Actually, I think I should just stay?—’
He turned her back to face the elevator and pushed her forwards as the doors opened.
‘You need food. I’m 90 per cent sure that the contents of your stomach are currently wine and scotch, and that the last thing you ate was half a ham sandwich from yesterday’s lunch.’
‘I hate you a little bit right now.’
‘I can live with that,’ he said smugly as he pressed the button for the lobby.
* * *
By the time Chase led her from the freezing cold into the warmth of the diner, Bella had decided that she’d happily murder him. They’d barely said a word on the fifteen-minute walk. Partly because she was still trying not to throw up, even if she did have to admit that the sharp slap of near freezing cold air was actually helping.
‘Chocolate milkshake, cheeseburger with fries, and onion rings, twice,’ he told the waitress who came to take their order.
‘Twice?’ Bella hissed as the waitress turned away with a knowing smile. ‘Twice?’ she repeated again when Chase chose to ignore her.
‘Yeah, you need it. Boss’s orders.’
Oh God.
Was it normal to feel so… turned on in the middle of a hangover? Like the worst ever hangover? Was a horny hangover even a thing? Not that he was turning her on. Not really. It was just the book. She couldn’t be attracted to a lying cheating…
Only he wasn’t. He hadn’t lied. He hadn’t cheated. Not really.
Oh God, it was such a mess. She gave in and leaned her forehead on the table.
‘So, this is what’s going to happen,’ Chase said. ‘We’re going to eat this incredibly delicious food, as slow as you like, but you’re going to eat it. And then you’re going to look at the messages that have been blowing up your phone since last night. Then you’re going to walk back to the apartment?—’
‘Cab,’ she interrupted.
‘ Walk ,’ he stressed. ‘And then you’re going to curl up on the sofa and finish the book you screamed at me for reading.’
Oh.
My.
God.
‘Just kill me,’ she begged. ‘Get it over with and kill me,’ she groaned, her forehead still attached to the table.
The sound of his laughter rolled over her in warm waves and she didn’t hate it. Not really. It felt kind of nice to joke with someone.
‘It’s not bad actually,’ he offered. ‘I especially liked the bit when she put one knee the table and said, “Daddy, can you?—”’
‘Chase,’ she exclaimed, cutting him off as the server placed plates loaded with food on the table.
‘Oh, you got that far already?’ he asked with a knowing grin, popping a fry into his mouth.
Bella grabbed her milkshake hoping to cool herself down – not from the memory of that particular scene in the book (which she had read, by the way, twice ) but from the thought of Chase reading that scene.
She whimpered again, but stopped the moment that she saw Chase tense. She swallowed a mouthful of thick, sweet milkshake as if she could ignore the moment as easily.
‘So, your friends are worried about you. Should I be?’ he asked, after clearing his throat.
Bella took a shuddering breath. ‘No. It’s fine. I’m fine.’
‘You know how some people have a swear jar?’ Chase asked, drawing her gaze back to him with the about-turn in the conversation.
She nodded.
‘I want to have a Bella’s fine jar. Five dollars for every time you say you’re fine.’ She rolled her eyes at him, but he held her gaze. ‘Was it one of them that did the bad thing? Is that why they’re worried about you?’
Bella nodded again.
‘Does it still hurt? The bad thing?’ he asked.
Bella considered his question. Because from the moment Paige had told her she’d been upset with the wrong thing. Or at least, probably not what everyone expected her to be upset by. It wasn’t Olly.
Because she’d begun to suspect that Olly might have been right to leave. They should never have got as far as a church aisle, let alone a marriage. He’d been grieving and she’d wanted someone to love her. That wasn’t a foundation for a future.
‘Not in the way that it should,’ Bella admitted.
He raised an eyebrow and nodded as if impressed.
She opened her mouth to explain and he held a hand up. ‘It’s okay. I don’t need to know. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.’
She bit her lip. ‘I’m okay,’ she told him, and she realised that he trusted her to tell him the truth. And that, surprisingly, it was the truth.
He nodded again. ‘Okay. Now, tell me. What’s your favourite scene in the book so far?’
And she choked on a laugh while swallowing her milkshake.
* * *
Chase watched Bella head back towards the apartment, looking much better than she had first, last night, and then again, this morning. The breath shuddered in his lungs and he clenched his jaw. What kind of woman has a racy romance on the same table as Sun Tzu? He’d seen about seven different sides of her in the last twenty-four hours and none of them had done anything to make her less appealing to him.
Which was a problem.
A problem that wasn’t because he hadn’t had sex since he’d been with Astrid nearly six months before. He was a man, not a monster and was perfectly capable of going for stretches of time without someone to scratch an itch. The problem was that Bella wouldn’t be an itch. She’d be an addiction.
On the surface she was composed, graceful and sophisticated, but Chase was beginning to suspect that in reality she was none of those things. They were learned behaviours, things she’d done either to protect herself or someone else. Behind that… beneath those layers was the Bella he wanted to know.
Beneath those layers, Chase was almost 100 per cent sure that she’d be pure liquid gold pouring through his fingers and coating his soul until he couldn’t escape. And Christ, he didn’t think he was ready for that. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready for that.
* * *
UNREAD MESSAGES
Astrid
Bella if you don’t let us know that you’re okay RIGHT NOW I am going to call the police.
Bella, seriously. I’m getting a little worried. We just want to know that you’re okay.
Sienna
Honey, are you okay? Paige feels awful. I know that you probably don’t need to hear that right now, but she does.
Paige
Bella, I just… I don’t know what to say other than how sorry I am. Your friendship means so much to me. I hate that I’ve jeopardised that.
Bella stared at her phone. She had twelve missed calls. Five from Astrid, three from Paige and Sienna, and one from Olly. She fired off a message to Astrid and Sienna letting them know she was okay. They would get in touch with Paige to say that they’d heard from her, she was sure. But before she spoke to Paige she needed to make this call.
The phone rang and her pulse raced. She didn’t know why she was nervous. They’d messaged a few – painfully civil – times, but this was different.
‘Hi.’ Olly’s voice, warm and soft, and sorry, poured down the phone. It was so familiar Bella ached.
‘Hi,’ she replied, her voice breaking on the word.
‘God, B, I’m so sorry.’
Wetness pressed against the back of her eyes, but the tears weren’t sad, they were a kind of release that she hadn’t known she’d needed.
She’d needed to hear that. Needed it in a way that she hadn’t known.
‘I know,’ said, tucking her chin into the scarf warding off the wintery bite of the cool air in Central Park.
‘She didn’t… we didn’t…’ Olly trailed off, unable to finish his sentence.
‘I know it wasn’t intentional. I do. And… it’s okay.’
A puff of air punched into the static of the phone’s ear piece.
‘Bella—’
‘No. Really,’ Bella said, feeling the truth of it. ‘It is okay. I… can actually see how you two work. So much better than we ever did,’ she continued, nodding to herself as she made her way back to the apartment.
‘It’s okay to yell and scream, B. I can take it. I deserve it twice over. You don’t have to be so damn fine all the time.’
‘Yes, I’m beginning to understand that,’ Bella said with a small sad laugh. ‘Do you love her, Olly?’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure,’ he hedged. ‘It’s… complicated.’
‘Yeah,’ she agreed. ‘In more ways than you know,’ she said, thinking of how Olly might feel if – when – he discovered the truth of how they all met.
‘What?’ he asked.
‘It doesn’t matter. What matters,’ she pressed on, ‘is this. You can’t hurt her, Olly. She’s been through it. Really through it, you know.’
‘I know. She told me about the revenge porn.’
‘She did?’ Bella asked, unable to hide her surprise.
‘Yes.’
‘Oh. Well… that’s good then. So you get it,’ Bella said, her tone morphing to serious in line with her feelings. ‘You understand why you need to figure out how you feel. You understand why you need to get sure. Because you can’t play with her, Olly. If you do, if you hurt her, I will track you down and do things you couldn’t even imagine,’ she warned, absolutely no humour in her voice at all. ‘Paige deserves the world and if you don’t give it to her, I will make sure that you regret it.’
Olly swallowed down the phone and rushed to reassure her that he wouldn’t hurt her, that he would give her the world, and that when they next met in person, Bella would know how sorry he was that it hadn’t worked between them, but not sorry that it had brought him to Paige.
‘Okay,’ Bella replied, finally feeling the first thread of peace she’d felt in the last eighteen hours. ‘Now, can I speak to Paige?’
‘Sure. Hang on a second.’
Down the line she heard muffled sounds as she impatiently waited to hear her friend’s voice pour down the line.
‘Bella? Are you okay?’ Her friend’s voice poured down the line.
‘Yes, Paige. I am. Really,’ Bella promised, feeling relief and knowing that she actually meant it.