Chapter 24
24
If the enemy is prepared for your coming, and you fail to defeat him, then, return being impossible, disaster will ensue.
THE ART OF WAR , SUN TZU
‘Bella? What’s going on?’ Chase demanded, his teeth ground together so hard he could break a tooth.
What was Astrid doing here? Why was she wearing that ridiculous hat and why the hell was she talking to Bella and looking like they knew each other?
And why were four women, two of whom he knew – biblically – all staring at him in different shades of horror? His gut hardened like concrete left out in the sun to dry.
‘It’s not what it looks like,’ the redhead said, while the blonde insisted that ‘Bella didn’t do anything wrong.’
Finally, Bella took a step towards him, or in between them, he wasn’t really sure.
‘It is what it looks like, and I did do something wrong. But,’ she said, looking over his shoulder at the people in the gallery, a few he was sure were already looking their way, ‘this isn’t the time.’ She looked at him like she was sorry. Like she felt guilty for something, like it was the end of something and everything in him roared in denial.
‘The girls will go, I’ll make myself scarce. I’ll wait in the office until everyone’s gone,’ she said, finally dropping her gaze.
The group of women behind her all made noises as if to argue, but he could barely see anything but Bella. She brushed Astrid’s arm, who looked at him as if she wanted to say something but she retreated from the gallery with the other women.
Bella moved past him, head bowed as if it were the end of something.
Tej appeared at his shoulder, concern all over his face. ‘Is everything okay?’ he asked.
‘No. I don’t think it is,’ he said as a buzzing took up residence in his ears.
* * *
Bella felt sick. Truly nauseously sick. She paced Chase’s office, praying that none of the other staff would come. Hopefully Chase would tell them that she’d had to leave.
Because she would have to leave.
She’d seen that in his eyes.
There was no way she could continue working here and that devastated her more than she’d expected. The thought of disappointing Maurice, and abandoning Ali and Ye-Joon caved her chest, guilt and loss sharp cuts, stinging every time she took a breath.
She tried to sit on the sofa, but the anxiety flooding her system demanded movement, made her want to run. But not away from Chase. To him.
Oh God, it was such a mess. She wiped at the tear falling from her eyes, knowing that she had to stop before Chase came to the office.
She’d heard the vague noises from below as the speeches were made. First by Tej and then Chase. She knew. She’d read the words they were going to say. And then as the sounds from the gallery quietened, and it wouldn’t be long before Chase came for her.
And that made her want to cry again. So instead, she set about removing the doctored sugar packets from the coffee tray. One by one, she sorted through nearly one hundred packets of sugar, pulling out the ones she could see the glue on from where she fixed the packet.
‘What are you doing?’
She flinched.
Removing every trace of my presence from this place.
‘I think some salt packets got mixed up in your sugar.’
She turned to face him and instead of the hugely successful gallery director who should be thrilled with the success of the evening, what she saw made her want to cry all the more. He looked hollow. Empty. As if something in him had just… gone.
‘What the fuck is going on?’ His defeat was worse than any kind of fury.
She wanted to go to him, to find comfort in him and hated herself for it. But she couldn’t hide from this and he deserved the truth.
‘I met Astrid, Paige and Sienna a few months ago,’ she started and went on to explain how they got snowed in, how they bonded over champagne and cake. ‘I felt like for the first time in ages these women understood me. Saw me,’ she tried to explain. ‘Because we’d all had recent bad experiences with our exes.’
‘So, a few glasses of champagne and cake and some shitty life decisions and that leads to me how?’
She knew she deserved his anger, but not his scorn.
‘Shitty life decisions? No. It wasn’t my life decision to abandon my wedding, and it wasn’t Sienna’s life decision to be abandoned for something supposedly better, it wasn’t Paige’s life decision that got her…’ Bella swallowed her words, refusing to betray her confidence and parade her violation in front of Chase as justification for her motives. ‘It wasn’t Astrid’s shitty life decision that saw her accused of sleeping with a married man,’ Bella pointed out.
Chase stared at her grimly, but she sensed his retreat.
Bella shook her head at him. ‘That hurt her.’
‘That’s between me and her.’
‘Maybe so, but you didn’t try and stop her from leaving. You didn’t try to let her know that Annalise was lying, did you? You let her think that she was a homewrecker. You let her think the worst about herself. That’s your shitty life decision, Chase.’
He had the grace to look away, leaving her to pick up the threads of the story.
‘We realised that we were in a position to take revenge against each other’s exes. Paige was travelling to the UK and tracked down Olly.’
‘And you got me,’ he said, bitterly.
Bella nodded. ‘I got you,’ she whispered.
Chase let out a bitter laugh. ‘Revenge?’
Bella nodded.
‘The article?’ he demanded.
Bella nodded. ‘It was before I knew. Before we knew that Annalise had lied.’
Chase shook his head. ‘You set up a hit piece in one of the biggest magazines in the art world. It nearly destroyed me.’
‘But it didn’t. We pulled it back. Tonight was a success,’ Bella cried. ‘Everything you’ve done, everything you’ve achieved… it’s all worked.’
‘How does that make it okay? How could you do that?’ he demanded, struggling to make sense of what she was saying.
‘I didn’t… know,’ she stuttered. ‘It was a misunderstanding.’
‘You were willing to ruin my life and my career based on a misunderstanding? Because you all had too much cake?’ he said, his voice loud in the silence of the gallery office.
‘The moment we realised, we tried to make it right,’ she promised, but it came out more like a plea.
‘Was there anything else? Other than the article?’
Bella winced.
‘What was it?’ He needed to know.
She reached behind her and took one of the sugar sachets in her hand.
‘You put salt in my sugar? What are you, like twelve?’ he asked, shocked.
She bit her lip. ‘And the chair.’
He glared at her.
‘And you might want to change your computer password.’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ he said, throwing his arms up in the air instead of reaching for her to strangle her. ‘Which Bella are you?’ he wanted to know. Genuinely. ‘The one that is passionate and powerful and soft and silly? The one who wanted…’ what I wanted, he’d been about to say but couldn’t. ‘Or the spy that lied, manipulated, schemed and probably laughed with your friends behind my back?’
‘Chase.’ She came to him, reaching for him, but he stepped away.
‘You knew. The moment you discovered that Annalise had lied to Astrid that day, you knew that everything you’d done was wrong. And you chose to lie to me,’ he accused.
‘Yes,’ she said, taking the full force of his ire.
Her surrender nearly undid him.
‘I think you should leave,’ he forced out through clenched teeth.
‘Please don’t do this,’ she begged, not even raising her face to his.
‘Don’t do what?’
‘Hide,’ she whispered.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘You hide when things go wrong,’ she accused, finally raising her gaze to his. ‘You put your head in the sand, pretending that everything’s fine.’
‘Don’t you dare talk about my art,’ he struck out.
‘I’m not,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘With Annalise, you walked away, to the point where she had to track you down and ruin whatever you had with Astrid. With Astrid, you let her walk out thinking the worst, because it was easier than having to explain how you feel.’
He had no words.
‘Because you don’t talk about how you feel,’ she said as if it were a simple fact. ‘You put it into your art. But you haven’t painted for months. So, what’s happened to all those feelings?’
‘You no longer have any right to talk about my feelings,’ he said, shaking his head and turning away because the sight of her was breaking something in him.
‘I wasn’t expecting you.’
He barked out a cynical laugh. He hadn’t been expecting her either.
She shrugged. ‘I didn’t…’
For someone usually so eloquent, it was nearly hard to see Bella stutter over her words. Her confession.
‘You’re not what I wanted, Chase,’ she said, almost like an accusation.
His brow shot up in shock. He wasn’t sure what he thought she’d been about to say, but it wasn’t that.
‘You’re not,’ she said, as if she were helpless to do anything about it. ‘You say what you think, and you don’t care whether it offends or wounds those around you. You keep far too much to yourself and refuse to let people in.’
‘Can you blame me?’ he asked, offended.
‘You actively dislike some of the parts of my life that I enjoy,’ she pressed on and he knew she was speaking of the galas and the charity events. ‘And you frustrate every expectation I have of you. And despite all of that, despite all of that,’ she repeated, the tears gathering in her eyes making his heart pound, ‘I still fell in love with you.’
‘Love me? How can you…?’ A part of him wanted to roar in pain, and he couldn’t quite understand it. ‘I don’t even fucking know you,’ he spat, causing himself as much harm as her.
She nodded, biting into her lip to stop it from trembling. ‘I know,’ she said sadly. ‘I know that’s what you think, that’s what you need to think right now, but actually, I think you might be the person who has known the real me the most,’ she said, swallowing.
He turned away from her sadness, because he hated that it matched his own.
She betrayed you. She betrayed you , warred with every single tear he saw in her eyes.
She inhaled, shaky and hurt, defeated in a way he’d never seen her before, and it took everything in him not to go to her. He couldn’t. He couldn’t trust her.
She got to the door, and turned. He watched her from the corner of his eye, unable to look at her.
‘You lied too,’ she said softly. ‘You said that making mistakes was okay. You said that we’d talk, or even argue, but that it would still be okay. But it’s not.’
The sight of her walking out the door was a punch that hit low in the gut and nearly dropped him to the floor. Which was where Tej found him an hour later, bottle of whisky in hand and no judgement.
* * *
Bella stepped into the frigid cold of the Upper West side without her jacket and didn’t feel a thing. Until three sets of arms wrapped around her and held her tight. She sank into them and let them hold her up for what felt like an eternity, until she realised that she was shivering.
‘Where the heck is your coat?’ Sienna demanded. ‘Why is this woman never wearing a coat?’
‘I don’t think she’s worried about her coat right now.’
‘Let’s get her into a cab,’ Paige suggested before hailing one from the other side of the street.
An illegal U-turn hardly registered to Bella as she realised that she was completely and utterly numb. She pressed her fingers against her lips and felt nothing. Barely noticed how Astrid and Paige put her into the back of the car.
‘Where to?’ the cabbie asked.
‘The apartment,’ Bella whispered, knowing that it would be for the last time.
‘Won’t Chase be there?’ Paige asked concerned.
‘He won’t come back tonight,’ Bella stated.
‘Did he say that?’ Sienna asked.
Bella shook her head. He hadn’t needed to.
Astrid told the cabbie the address and Sienna looked at her worriedly. Bella forced a smile to her lips, and rubbed Sienna’s hand, hoping that would ease her concern and then realised what she was doing.
Always trying to make others feel better.
Christ, he was in her head now.
I fell in love with you.
I don’t even know you.
Their conversation ran in circles around her head while the girls tried to make conversation to distract her, and shared worried glances over her head that they either didn’t think she saw, or didn’t care.
They’d get back to the apartment and…
She’d have to pack. She was being told to leave again, leave people she loved like a family, Chase, Tej, Maurice, Ali and Ye-Joon. Her heart ached with a loss she knew she’d barely begun to comprehend.
Where would she go? Who would want her? she thought miserably. She’d done the one thing she’d spent her entire life trying to avoid. She’d made a mistake and ruined everything. There was no smoothing of waters, no making things right. Not this time.
A tear rolled down her cheek and Paige shifted to put her arm around her shoulder and for the first time in what felt like forever, Bella let herself curl into someone’s side and let go as someone held her together.
As they drew up to the apartment she asked someone to pass her phone.
Bella dialled a number she should have called a long time ago.
‘Daddy,’ she said, when the line connected. ‘Can I come home?’ she asked, her voice breaking on the last word as her father said yes and she cried even harder.
* * *
Chase had told the staff that Bella had had a family emergency, but he was pretty sure Maurice didn’t believe him. It didn’t matter, he decided, locking the gallery’s door behind him the following morning. He’d only come to…
What? Stare at her desk. Look for the signs that he’d missed? Because he’d been pretty damn blind to everything else. But there weren’t any signs of betrayal. There weren’t any clues to be found for Bella’s lies. Because either she was that good, or…
He shook his head, surprised how much he hated the sight of it. Not Bella’s desk, but the whole office. The feeling he’d had just before Christmas had come back. Resentment, regret, frustration.
He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be gallery director. He’d done it for Tej, he’d done it to get himself out of a hole. But his heart wasn’t in it. He’d known that the moment that Bella had made that first stroke of chalk beneath his hands.
He walked out into the frigid Saturday morning, hands thrust deep into his long coat, relishing the bite of the winter’s cold as it took chunks out of a hangover that barely touched the sides, despite the shocking volume of whisky he and Tej had put away yesterday.
He walked without a destination, ignoring the morning joggers and hum of the city that never slept, even on a weekend morning. And as much as he didn’t want it, his brain decided to roll through a greatest hits of his time with Bella. Either he was a sucker for punishment or his subconscious was trying to tell him something. Chase decided it was the latter right around the time he found himself at the door to the studio, his heart pounding, the hangover landing a double tap with anxiety.
He let himself in and braced for what he would find on the walls. The chaotic crazy mess that he and Bella had put on the walls four days ago. His heart thumped painfully in his chest. But when he turned into the studio, the paper that had been up on them when they’d visited was gone. The only sign that they’d been there was the table of art supplies by the far wall.
Loss hit him, hard and fast, rocking him on his feet. He’d never see what they did together. He’d never see what they’d created. The wind was knocked from his lungs, and for one viscerally horrifying moment he thought he might actually cry. Loss. Absence. The knowledge that he’d never see what they made. What he’d painted. Because she’d got him painting.
And it had changed. The way he felt about it now. Ever since she’d brought him here, he’d been more curious than fearful and he’d not wanted to admit it. He’d fought it because fear still had a hold, but the curiosity was strong and getting stronger.
Giving up the fight, he stared at the blank walls, trying to recreate what they’d done, what materials they’d used. But he’d not even touched them. She had. They had.
You don’t talk about your feelings.
Chase huffed out a bitter laugh. Christ, in comparison to his father he spat an entire encyclopaedia out about his feelings, didn’t he? It was one of the things he remembered most after his mother had died. How quiet the house had been. How desperate he’d been to escape. To go to London – just like his mother had predicted.
Old grief returned with new wounds and he wondered if Bella was right. He had left Annalise and Dan to figure things out. He’d wanted none of it, but had he just been running away? And Astrid? Shit. That’d been wrong. He’d been so angry with Annalise and so ashamed, but he hadn’t thought about the impact it’d had on her. On what she’d been left to think.
And Bella…
How had all this become so fucked up?
After what felt like a lifetime, he picked up his phone and dialled a number he wasn’t sure would accept his call.
‘What?’ demanded the diamond-cut British accent.
‘It’s Chase,’ he explained.
‘I know who it is. What do you want?’ Astrid asked, tones clipped and harsh.
Chase rolled his shoulders.
‘I wanted to apologise.’
‘Then why are you calling me? Bella?—’
‘Not to Bella. I owe you an apology.’
There was silence on the phone. It didn’t bode well, but at least she hadn’t hung up. He sighed, muffling the microphone. ‘I should have explained what happened when Annalise found us in the hotel room. I’m sorry, you deserved not only an explanation, but better from me.’
‘Yes, I did,’ Astrid said simply.
Chase nodded, even though she couldn’t see it. ‘I was not… I did not consider myself married to Annalise at that point. We were already in the middle of a divorce, but I should have told you that from the very beginning. And at the very least, I should have explained after what happened. I am sorry.’
He heard Astrid’s sigh. ‘Thank you. For saying that. I… It put me in a not-so-great place for a while.’
‘Astrid—’
‘But,’ she pressed on when he would have apologised again, ‘that doesn’t excuse the fact that we jumped to conclusions and exacted our revenge without the full story. And we really are – I really am – sorry for the damage that was done by the article. It wasn’t right.’
Chase let her words sink in.
‘But if you want to be angry with anyone, it should be me . Not Bella,’ Astrid insisted.
Bella.
Bella who he couldn’t stop thinking of, no matter how betrayed he felt by her.
Ask her. Ask her.
He didn’t want to know. But he did.
‘Is she… okay?’
‘No,’ Astrid said, with the kind of blunt honesty he deserved.
‘Where is she?’ he asked, suspicion growing in his gut.
‘She’s gone, Chase.’
He’d told her to go, hadn’t he?
‘I just?—’
‘No,’ Astrid said, talking to him like he was five. ‘You don’t get to say what you said to her and it to all be okay.’
‘Hey,’ Chase called out. ‘ I was the one wronged.’
‘No. She didn’t wrong you, Chase,’ Astrid said. ‘She made a mistake. And you punished her for it. So, if you do want to know how she is, where she is, you’d better have a good handle on why you want to know. Because if you hurt her again, what Bella did to you was child’s play in comparison to what I’ll do to you.’
With that Astrid hung up the phone, leaving Chase open-mouthed and fists clenching.
He got up and paced the studio.
Had he?
She’d wronged him . She’d betrayed him .
She’d made a mistake .
The chaos in his mind became too much and he needed it out.
He stalked to the table left with the art supplies and not caring that there was no canvas or paper, he grabbed a brush and some paint and applied it directly onto the walls.
His heartbeat fluctuated as he saw things he disliked and things he loved. Brushstrokes in patterns and colours that weren’t planned or created for purchase or a gallery. They were for him.
That was what he’d been railing about when he’d shown Bella the gallery. He wasn’t mad at the art world – well, not entirely – for gatekeeping pieces of work. He was mad at himself for prioritising fame and wealth over his creativity. As if the decisions he’d made to pursue what he’d thought was his mother’s dreams had taken him one step after another away from the art he’d wanted to make.
You hide when things go wrong. You put your head in the sand, pretending that everything’s fine.
She’d known. She’d known and she’d tried to let him see it for himself.
Four hours later, he stood back and looked at the first thing he’d painted in almost eighteen months.
Her. He’d painted her.