Chapter 34
ROMAN
London hits differently after a few days away.
The buildings press in around the car, lights and people everywhere. Traffic is slow, having hit the rush hour.
By the time we pull in, I’m exhausted and Maggie looks just as tired.
We climb the stairs to Maggie’s flat together, our bags bumping against our legs, both of us a bit wobbly.
At least my head isn’t bouncing across the steps this time.
There’s a strange limbo between us like we’re waiting for our credits to roll.
The adrenaline of the last few days has drained away and I feel like someone has reached into me and scooped out my innards like I’m a fucking pumpkin.
I’m weary to my bones, everything aching. The deep bruise along my ribs is the sorest point. But when I press against it, nothing feels broken.
Maggie’s quiet, too. Her usual babbling and nervousness are gone. She keeps adjusting the strap of her bag, twisting it around her fingers.
Her door looms as we come to a stop outside it.
‘So,’ I say. ‘What now?’
Maggie exhales and blinks up at me. ‘I don’t know. I didn’t really think this far through my plan. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of a mess.’
I picture Eddie’s horrific grin. The bat. The knife. Eliza’s blade. Coffin’s one bright, unblinking eye.
‘A hot mess, at least.’
‘Will you go back to your online world?’ she asks.
The way she says it makes it sound like another universe.
‘I don’t have much choice,’ I admit. ‘It’s the life I built. I can’t pay bills without it.’
She nods. ‘Even though you don’t believe the things you say.’
The disappointment in her face guts me.
‘We can still see each other. No one would know with us living across the hall from each other.’ I hate that I even suggest it, knowing she deserves better.
‘I can’t be another one of your lies, Roman. I can’t be something you slot in to the gaps between the things you show the rest of the world. The rest of my life is shrouded in secrecy; this can’t be too. I want to be loved. Properly. Regardless of what happens at my dad’s.’
The way her jaw sets tells me it’s a firm boundary, and honestly, one I know is fair. I’ve been dealing in dirty secrets for years.
I nod. Knowing she’s right. We stand there for too long. Close enough that I can smell her shampoo, and see the bob of her throat as she swallows. I can see the way her eyes have grown moist. I fear mine have too.
Stepping closer, she pulls my face to hers, laying her lips on mine with a kiss that says all the things we can’t.
A thank you and a goodbye.
‘One for the road,’ she whispers as she pulls back, fishing her keys and my phone from her bag. After fighting with the metal ring for a minute to remove my key, she hands them over with a guilty smile and unlocks her door.
She hesitates, then steps inside.
When the door snaps shut behind her, I want to pound on it. To follow her in and beg her to see what this could be.
But I know I can’t give up when she’ll just leave me in the end anyway. From her father’s pressure. Or my job. Or the realisation that I’m a waste of space.