Chapter 17 #3
“The storm has passed,” Cat murmured, still half-dazed with the pleasure coursing through her body.
“We should go,” he said, showing no inclination to stop doing what he was doing to her.
“Yes,” she breathed, stroking her hands along his chest. “I wish you weren’t so handsome. Especially now that I know what you feel like.”
His hands tightened around her hips. “If you were any other woman, I could keep you here. I could take you against this wall, and you’d love every minute,” he growled. “I would fucking love to show you. Ask me to show you.”
Cat’s heart thudded in response to his words. It should feel like a threat. But it felt like an invitation to a world she’d otherwise never ever get to see.
Part of her ached to say Yes, show me.
Thane’s gaze caught hers and he inhaled, perhaps seeing the thought in her eyes, the words on the tip of her tongue.
Then his jaw clenched. “What are we doing?” He propelled himself back, as if she were poison. He took a few steps back (any more and he’d hit the other wall of the bothy), and reached for his shirt, pulling it on. It clung to his skin, and she tried not to notice. Tried and failed.
“It’s no one’s fault,” she said. She took the wet riding habit he handed over next.
She didn’t try to put it on—it was so sodden that it weighed three times as much as usual.
She reached for his coat instead, and pulled it over her shoulders once more.
“Really, it’s very natural for my curiosity to take over when I was in a new situation. And you were just accommodating that.”
He belted out a laugh. “You are not just innocent, Cat, you’re insane as well.”
“There’s no need to be rude about it.”
“I’m just saying that I wasn’t doing you a favor.”
“Well, no, why would you? You don’t even like me.”
“It’s not that,” he ground out. “But we are going to forget this happened.” He opened the door, and peered outside. Cat glimpsed water dripping from brilliantly green leaves, looking as if they were adorned with crystals.
“I tried to forget the kiss from before,” she admitted. “It’s difficult.”
“I know.” He stepped out and she followed him. Thankfully, the horses were exactly where he’d left them, now chewing contentedly on grass, the storm a forgotten memory.
Thane loosed the reins where he’d tied them around a low branch. He did his best to wipe the saddle dry with his sleeve. Both his effort and the result were middling, which should have told her how distracted he was.
“Do you think about Andra when you’re not with her?” Cat asked.
Thane nearly choked at her question. “I’m not with her, ever. Not since before I left.”
“Really? That’s not how it looks.”
“She’s a flirt.”
“It’s more than that.”
“Christ, why do you want to know about Andra?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because she’s everything I’m not. She…plays the game.”
Thane shot her a look. “Aye, she does. But you hate the game.”
“I do. Women shouldn’t have to pretend to like men to get what they need. Or even if they’re not pretending…it would be nicer if they could flirt because it was fun, or take a lover because they wanted to. Not because it’s a way to find safety from other men.”
“Cat, you’ve got a way of seeing the worst in everyone.” Without asking, he lifted her onto his horse, then mounted up behind her.
“It’s how the world works,” she said, trying to focus on the conversation and not the feel of his body next to her. “Why am I not riding my own horse?”
“She’s been known to spook easily, and so soon after the thunder, I don’t want to risk her throwing you. Plus you’ll be warmer if you ride with me.”
“Oh. Thank you.” She found it difficult to reconcile Thane’s acerbic attitude with his thoughtfulness. He was always thinking of every side of a situation.
Thane’s arms were around her, but only to hold the reins—her own horse trotted alongside, quite happy to follow. He said, “You don’t think anyone feels love for someone else? Or affection? You think it’s all like an exchange at the market?”
“Of course I believe love exists.”
“You don’t say that with confidence.”
“I loved my family,” she said.
“That’s a very different sort of love. You know what I’m talking about.” His hand gripped her waist in a reminder of what they’d done moments ago.
Cat refused to rise to that. “I think people feel passion and then mistake it for love. Take what just happened between you and me. It was merely the result of our reactions in a situation we didn’t choose.
And yet there are so many people in the world who would say that those few minutes of physical closeness was enough to compromise my virtue, despite my being just as much of a virgin after as before.
And because a woman is only valued if she can prove to a man that any baby she bears is his, I’d be married off immediately.
And to make it even worse, people would like me to then behave as if I loved my new owner, as if I’d do anything for him just because he kissed me.
The whole idea of romantic love is a farce, designed to convince women that their captors have their best interests at heart.
But the truth is that women are seen only for the wealth they bring or the babies they birth. Never for who they truly are.”
Thane hadn’t said a word, and she thought for a moment that she either shocked or shamed him enough to keep him silent.
But then he shook his head, and said very quietly, “Poor Cat.”
“Poor me?”
“Aye. You wrap so many words around your feelings. But words won’t keep you safe. And words won’t keep you from feeling more, and soon you’re going to burst with all the feelings that you’re trying to wall up.”
“I’m not walling up anything! I’m the most clear-eyed person there is—I see how the world is, not how I’m told it is.”
“Aye, you’re clever, and you’re right about a lot of how society is tilted. But you pretend that you’re above it all, and you’re not.”
“Don’t pretend to understand me, Thane MacPhearson.”
“Hell, I couldn’t understand you if I had a hundred years to try.”