Chapter 20 #2
“I don’t know. I can’t tell you. I can’t tell anyone. It’s too hard to describe.” Her voice broke as she tried to use the right words to put Thane off. But there weren’t enough words in the world to keep Thane away when he decided something involved him.
“Did someone say something to you in the dining hall? I’ll set them straight. You’re a guest, and I won’t tolerate—”
“Thane, everyone here has been wonderful. I’m the only rude person, running out like that. Effie will never forgive me.”
“Of course she will. Why are you crying?”
“It’s my birthday.”
“Yes, I believe that was the point of the celebration.”
“I don’t know how to have a birthday now that Brodie’s gone. I’ve never had a birthday without him! I’ve never been older than him, do you understand? Brodie will never have a twenty-fifth birthday. Or a twenty-sixth! Or a—”
“Cat, stop.” Thane pulled her into his arms. “I’m sorry.
I never would have let Effie do this if I’d known what it would do to you.
When she told me about the surprise, I just assumed that it would cheer you up.
You looked normal enough all evening, but then, you always do, don’t you?
I should have realized that it’s not so simple. ”
She felt more sobs in her chest, threatening to jump out. She choked them down, willing herself to master the wave of emotions. “I’ll apologize to Effie,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. “I’ll go now.”
“Christ, woman. You’re in no state to go back in there, and you don’t need to apologize to anyone. Just stay here until you’ve recovered a bit. I’ll stay with you.”
And he stayed with her, just as he had on the ship when she thought she was going to die of seasickness. Lord, how she’d prefer to be feeling that instead of this misery.
Thane said nothing more, but he remained there, close, his thigh touching hers, a contact that she should object to but craved too much to do so. She needed to be near someone who could understand.
“Can I tell you something?” she asked in a low voice.
“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate, which both heartened and terrified her.
“I’ve never told anyone this, not even Tacita,” she said. “I…I felt the moment when Brodie died.”
Thane put a hand out and then stopped, hovering near her drawn-up knee. “What?”
“I was sleeping, and I suddenly woke up. It wasn’t as if from a nightmare, you know, when waking is the only way out of the horror. There was no reason for me to wake—it was in the middle of the night.”
“Yes, it was,” he said softly.
“I sat up in bed, my back so stiff I thought I’d suffered some kind of spasm. And that was when I felt it…”
“Felt what, Cat?”
“Brodie. His spirit. His soul, maybe. So close to me I could reach out and grab him in my arms. And then there was this horrible…wrenching, like something being ripped out of me. And I realized it was my connection to Brodie, my brother, my twin being…severed. Half of my own being yanked away out of this world by some callous hand. I screamed. I screamed and I screamed….” She choked back another sob.
“Cat, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Thane’s arms were tight around her, holding her close and safe against the world.
She shifted, turning toward him, looking up into the only eyes that might see her as she was. “Why can’t we ever keep what we love?”
“Kitty cat, I wish I knew.” His shoulders curled inward, and his forehead touched hers. “And I wish I knew how to take your pain away.”
Cat’s breath caught in her throat.
“I know how.” And then she lifted her mouth to his.
Cat could sense Thane’s surprise at her kiss, but he didn’t pull away.
Instead, his hands rose to cup her face as he drank her in, the kiss growing honeyed as they explored each other with breath and tongue.
Her body seemed to soften and thaw, her bunched muscles relaxing and then tensing again, but in a very different way.
Her skin prickled with sensation—Thane’s breath, his lips against hers, the night wind teasing the fine hairs on her arms.
Then he pulled back. “Wait, Cat. You’re not yourself, you’re upset—”
“How do you know whether I’m myself or not?” she asked, need making her voice harsh. “If you want to find out what it means for me to be myself, you’d need to strip me bare, wouldn’t you?”
He drew in a ragged breath. “Christ, Cat. Are you trying to tempt me?”
“Yes. When you kiss me, I feel…something. And for months I’ve felt just this…icy nothing. Thane, please help me feel again.”
“Not like this,” he said, shaking his head, even as his hands caressed her waist in an instinctive plea to continue. He did want her. She knew he did.
“Why not like this? Are you afraid of me?”
“I’m goddamned terrified of you, Cat. You break all the rules and I never know what you’ll do or say next.”
“Take me somewhere private and you’ll find out.” She leaned forward, and kissed him again, not with any great skill, but with all the honesty she could muster. Then she said, not looking at him, “I think you’re the only man I could ever ask for this. Don’t deny me, Thane.”
Then he had her in his arms, and he said, “I’ll deny you nothing tonight. Until tomorrow, Catriona, you own me.”