Chapter 26
She went to bed, but didn’t even try to fall asleep. After the clock chimed one, Thane slipped in, closing the door behind him.
“You came.”
“You let me,” he responded, leaning over her on the bed, kissing her like he’d been gone for years.
She reached for him, and within moments they were skin to skin, exploring each other with abandon.
There was something different in Thane’s mood that night, something more serious. He would sometimes pause and just look at Cat, like he was memorizing her.
“What is it?” she asked once.
“Nothing,” he said with a half smile. “You’re just so beautiful.”
“I’m not more beautiful than last time, and you didn’t stop to regard me then.”
“Oversight,” he said, his smile growing. “But you don’t want my regard. You want something else?” His kiss was savage then, his mouth hot on her breast and his tongue doing things that left her weak and clinging to him.
“I want whatever you can give me,” she said, hearing her own voice come harsh and needy from her throat.
“I’ll give you everything,” he swore.
Cat arched her back as she gave herself up to his touch.
By now, he knew exactly how to stroke her. He knew what she liked, and when she would start to pitch over the top, he brought her back before she could tip, over and over. He seemed to love the way she cursed him in a breathless begging whisper.
When he entered her, she felt like he belonged there. “No more teasing,” she gasped.
“I was never teasing,” he protested, and kissed her before she could say more.
Oh, why did it feel so good? Cat wrapped herself around him, pressing closer. When she climaxed, he held her tightly.
She bit her lip to stop from crying out so loud it would expose their secret to everyone within a mile.
Thane bore down hard and wrung out the last few bits of her sanity.
She whimpered a protest when he withdrew and spent himself in the sheets.
But he then gathered her close and touched a finger to her lips.
“You’re bleeding,” he said, his finger coming away spotted with red.
“Am I? I didn’t realize.”
He leaned in and with one dart of his tongue licked the blood away, then kissed her so tenderly she nearly melted.
She tucked her head under his chin, resting against him, loving the warmth and solidity he provided.
This would be a good life, she thought dreamily.
With a bolt to her heart, she understood what she wanted.
Cat craved that closeness even more than the physical release he offered.
Maybe, maybe this was meant to be. Maybe there was a reason she crashed headlong into him in that hallway oh so many lifetimes ago.
Though it had taken a while to unpeel the shell from his core, she finally knew the real Thane, the man hidden behind the duty-bound image.
And she felt herself reacting to him, letting herself find out how to meet him.
Not physically, but in spirit, molding herself so that they could match their flaws and their strengths.
Less like a key in a lock, and more like sand filling a gouged-out beach after a storm.
It might not be what anyone intended, but it was what nature used to heal.
And if they could live like this, together, then would it be so bad to put a formal mark on the relationship and call it a marriage?
Surely that was the ideal of marriage—not the owning of a wife by her husband, but a true partnership of equals.
Thane had shown time and again that he was willing to listen to her, willing to value her ideas and thoughts, and that he cared about her enough to keep her safe despite having no claim on her at all.
Not to mention the way he could respond to her unspoken, and sometimes unknown, desires, and give her ways to feel pleasure without demanding anything but the chance to do it again.
Then he spoke. “Kitty cat, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“I was just going to tell you something as well, but you go first.” She curled up languorously. A kitty cat indeed. When he dared call her that, maybe it was because he knew her better than she knew herself.
Thane held her tightly for a long moment, so long that it gave Cat a premonition, the first hint that his words would not be as welcome as she’d intended hers to be.
“Cat, I’ve wanted to tell you this for a while. But something always seemed to interrupt…no,” he interrupted himself. “That’s not true. Or if it is, it’s only an excuse.”
She lifted her head, searching his face. “Thane, what is it?”
“God, Cat, this isn’t easy.”
“Whatever it is, I’m willing to hear it, love.”
The endearment seemed to hurt him. He sucked in a breath, fixed his gaze just beyond her face, as if staring into a void, and said, “I killed Brodie.”
For a moment, Cat couldn’t even make sense of the words. “I’m sorry, you what?”
“Brodie’s death was my fault.”
“Thane, he was shot by an enemy soldier,” she said patiently.
“I can see now that you felt a responsibility for him—I didn’t really understand until I spent some time with you all here what it truly means to have a friendship forged in battle.
But that doesn’t mean you could alter his fate.
Not you or Duncan, or Calan or Kai, or even Struan.
War is terrible, love. Don’t take on more than your due. ”
“It is my due,” Thane insisted stubbornly. “Brodie wasn’t killed the way you think, in a field full of thousands of men, the air turned to smoke and the sound of guns everywhere. He was killed performing an assignment I gave to him, an assignment I should have performed myself.”
Her heartbeat faltered with the shock of it. What was he saying? What did she even know of what happened? Was anything she knew the truth?
“I don’t understand,” she got out, her voice as unsteady as her soul.
“Our superior officers had received some information from a soldier in the British army who’d overheard a conversation in the village.
Some Prussian or German was going to meet with the enemy to sell them more weapons, enough to rout us out of our position and drive us back.
It was my duty to follow up on the situation.
But before I left to be at the meeting, I happened to mention it to Brodie.
He grew excited at the prospect, and he pointed out that he speaks some German—and Lord knows I don’t speak a word of it.
He pestered me to let him take the assignment. ”
Cat inhaled. “You didn’t.”
Thane closed his eyes. “I did. He was eager for it, and I was tired. It wasn’t expected to be very dangerous,” he added, sounding defensive.
“Oh, no? It got Brodie killed!” Cat burst out. She wanted to rush at him, hit him, hurt him. “Why did you let him go? Why did no one stop you…” She gasped. “Oh, Lord. You never even asked permission. It wasn’t a sanctioned change. Brodie just went in your place.”
He hung his head. “Yes. That’s why it took longer to report his death. He wasn’t even supposed to be there. And he damn well shouldn’t have died.”
“But he did. And you lived.”
“I’m sorry, Cat.”
“Sorry? You lied to me.”
“I didn’t.” But there was no strength in his voice. “I just…didn’t tell you.”
“Until now,” she spat. “You lied to me with your whole being, until now. Because you thought by now I was so besotted with you that I’d forgive you anything.”
“It’s not like that, Cat. I wanted to tell you before. I tried. Something always stopped me.”
“Such as the opportunity to tumble me into bed?” Cat jumped up, pacing.
“Lord, I should have known something was wrong. You hated me, until you got the chance to bed me. Then you just strung me along, making me into your little pet, letting me fall…” in love with you.
Cat recoiled as the words nearly passed her lips.
She had fallen for Thane, as simply and completely as any woman on earth.
She ought to have known better. She did know better.
And yet she still succumbed to his seduction.
Hell, she encouraged it. Because it felt so much better than what she’d felt before.
And because she wanted to believe Thane loved her.
Now she knew the truth.***
This was a new form of pain. The blows to her spirit that hit after the death of her brother and then her mother knocked her to her knees, leaving her hunched over and sobbing with grief.
This was an altogether different, sharper wound.
More like a knife blade in her back. Yes, that was it, wasn’t it?
The deaths of her family were horrible. But Brodie had been a soldier, and she’d seen her mother’s death coming for days, even weeks, before the awful moment occurred. She could, in some way, prepare.
Nothing prepared her for Thane’s betrayal.
In fact, he’d weakened her first, carefully exposing her heart before he crushed it with a few words. With his truth that he didn’t see fit to tell her until she was at her most vulnerable.
Cat pulled her black clothing around her like armor, unwilling to risk sharing her feelings with anyone.
Even Tacita, who she loved so dearly. The next day, her aunt asked her what was wrong, saying she could see that something terrible had happened.
What news did Cat learn that hadn’t been shared with the others?
Naturally, Tacita assumed Cat’s devastation had to be linked to the issue of her attacker. She couldn’t dare tell her aunt what actually happened between her and Thane. Tacita would surely insist on him doing the honorable thing. Bu how could he, when he had no honor?
Besides, Cat wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of laying claim to not only her, but also to her newly revealed wealth.
Hell, for all she knew, Thane seduced her because he suspected she was an heiress.
Didn’t Kai mention that Thane and he got the same idea?
But Thane never told Cat of his hunch. Why would he? She was a mere woman.
Such thoughts circled her mind like crows after a battle, a cacophony that left her angry and restless.
Worse, Effie had left the day after Tacita arrived, needing to return to her own home.
Cat didn’t begrudge her that, but she wished the woman might stay.
Effie did, however, tell Cat to visit whenever she liked.
Since Effie knew nothing of the rift between her and Thane, Cat didn’t dare mention that she might well need the refuge.
Over the next few days, she avoided Thane completely, disappearing with the skill of a stage magician whenever he came near. It was easier to avoid the others as well, for they didn’t hound her as Thane did, always trying to speak to her, always with a look in his eyes that seemed so sincere.
She knew better now.
But it was his home, his domain, and she had no peace in the walls of Kinlochlie. Only when she managed to get outside of it did she seem to be able to breathe. And she had things to take care of, and some of them could only be done away from the castle.
So she dressed to ride and walked to the stables. Unfortunately, Thane knew her routine by now, and he waylaid her in the hallway outside her room.
“Cat, I have to talk with you.”
She kept walking, her head held high. “I assure you we have nothing to discuss.”
He kept pace with her easily. Cat could run and he’d be able to stride along without a problem. “Cat, I never meant to hurt you.”
“Well, you did.” She whirled on him and glared, her eyes burning. “I trusted you.”
“I know. And I should have told you…before. I set a trap for myself and then was dumb enough to wander into it. Secrets are like that, they strangle you. But I swear everything I’ve done was to protect you.”
“From everyone but yourself,” she retorted.
“Yes, fine, I’m a bastard. I know that. I don’t deserve you. I also know that. But Cat, please, please let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain.”
“I didn’t say it to be cruel, Cat. I had to tell you. I care for you—”
“If you cared for me as you claim to, you’d leave me alone!”
“I have!”
“You have not! You’re…everywhere. This whole place just stinks of you. That’s why I have to leave.”
“Where are you going?”
She glared at him. “I intend to go riding. On my own.”
“Of course.” He didn’t tell her not to, which she expected he would, and she was perversely annoyed that he didn’t.
“That’s all? No pronouncements of how reckless I am to be riding alone? How unreasonable I’m being to wish to make my own decisions?”
“I only want to protect you.”
“Aye, to wash away your own guilt.”
His jaw tightened.
They’d reached the stable by now. She stalked in and told the boy standing there she wished to ride. She hated that the boy glanced at Thane to receive a short nod of approval before dashing away to saddle her horse.
Now alone again, he said in a low voice, “Nothing will wash my guilt away. But I couldn’t keep lying to you, Cat. You deserved to know everything.”
“But not till after you took everything.”
“I thought your liberated world view meant that you put no stock in things like virginity. How could you care about me taking what you never valued?”
“Virginity is a medieval concept designed to hobble women. But that doesn’t mean I—”
She broke off. She couldn’t put it in words. It doesn’t mean I didn’t want to value the memory of my first time? It doesn’t mean I granted it lightly?
“What, Cat?” Thane stepped closer. “What did it mean to you?”
“Nothing,” she said reflexively. “It meant nothing. As I’m sure it meant nothing to you.”
“Not true.” He moved in front of her, preventing her from passing by. “Cat, don’t pretend it meant nothing. I know you better than that.”
“You don’t know me at all.” She tried to push him aside, which went as well as expected.
He didn’t budge. He caught her hands and held them to his chest. “I know you in ways no one else does, Cat.” His voice wrapped around her, searing her heart. “Tell me how I can make things right.”
She took a deep breath, then said, “There’s a grave in France you can occupy.”