Chapter 33 #2
Thane sat down in the chair by the desk, feeling woozy. After bearing the guilt so long, it was almost shocking to have it lifted away. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You don’t have to do anything now,” she said. “Any obligation you felt you owed to Brodie…it’s over. You’re free, Thane.”
He didn’t quite like the way she said it. “No one’s ever completely free. Brodie was my friend, and I’ll always remember that.”
“Yes, but you needn’t rip yourself to pieces now.
I appreciate what you did do,” she said with a sad little laugh.
“You were even willing to risk your freedom to keep me alive—just imagine, Thane, if I’d accepted your offer.
We’d be wed by now, and you’d never have needed to pull me from a burning house. ”
“It would have been an easier path,” he said, thinking of the pain that might have been avoided. But then, Cat never would have learned who was stalking her, or been able to move on after they’d been neutralized and taken away.
“At the beginning, it would have been,” she said in a musing voice that sounded very far away. “But I’m sure you’re grateful you dodged that bullet.” Then she blinked, and looked at him, coming back to the present. “Why are you here?”
Thane shook his head. “Not to find out if I’ve got an obligation to you, or ask you to marry me, even if there’s no child to force the issue. You’ve made it clear, over and over, that you don’t want to marry anyone, let alone me.”
“About that…” she said, fidgeting as she spoke, twisting the sheet in her hands.
“It’s true that I believe women should not have to marry simply to get on in the world.
We should be able to make our own money, own our own property, speak our thoughts, and not fear that merely by existing we are at the mercy of some man’s whim.
But I never thought myself better than you.
Or that I didn’t want to have you in my life.
” The topic that she devoted so much time to gave some heat to her voice. She sounded more…herself.
“But you still refused when I did ask, back at home.” His home, the home he hoped to make hers as well.
“You did it out of a sense of obligation to Brodie. I didn’t want to trap you into a marriage that you didn’t want either.”
“You daft lass,” Thane burst out. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you for my wife! Christ, any of the men would have been happy to step up if I would have let them. Calan offered more than once. Duncan is a better catch than I’ll ever be. Or you could have married Kai.”
Cat wrinkled her nose. “Goodness. Kai? That would be like gaining another brother, not a husband. And I’d wallop Calan within a day, the rake.” She paused, then said, “I’m sure that Duncan is…very nice.”
Thane laughed, but inwardly he was relieved that she hadn’t been disappointed to miss other potential offers.
“You didn’t mention Struan,” she pointed out.
“Oh, he’ll never marry,” Thane said. “He’s said as much.”
“Funny that when a man says it, everyone accepts his decision without protest. And yet when I told people that marriage wasn’t for me, they all assumed I was a silly girl who just needed convincing.”
Thane couldn’t deny the truth of it, so he said, “It’s not fair, Cat. I know. But you have to believe that I love you.”
She looked up suddenly, and he was struck by the pain in her eyes. “You must stop loving me.”
It would be easier to stop breathing. “Can’t do that, kitty cat.
I see you in my sleep, and you’re the first thing I think of when I wake.
The thought of you in danger makes my heart seize up.
You don’t have to love me—you don’t ever have to see me again after today.
But I couldn’t leave without telling you that I do love you, and always will.
If you can’t see that, it’s because you don’t want to. ”
Cat closed her eyes. “Oh, God, Thane. I love you so much it hurts.”
He had to take a moment to understand what she said.
“You do? Even knowing what I did?”
She sighed. “I know it wasn’t as simple as I pretended it was.
I was a beast to you. To everyone really, but especially to you.
I tried not to see what you did for me. How good you were, how you never hesitated to help, even when I was acting like an ungrateful wretch.
I didn’t dare love you. I’d lost both the people I loved most, and the thought of loving again scared me too much.
Since Brodie died, I built a wall around myself.
And kept building it higher when I lost my mother. ”
Thane couldn’t stand the hollow tone she used, but he didn’t know if she’d allow him to touch her.
“Cat,” he said, stepping closer, his hand extended. She ignored it, too intent on her own words. He sat on the edge of the bed, drawn to her, as always.
“I only know how to put more stones in the wall around me,” she said, her arms around her drawn-up knees. “It’s the only thing I’ve done for months. I thought it would keep me safe, but it’s really just a way to die without dying.”
“God, Cat.” Thane pulled her close, feeling her heartbeat flutter like a bird in a cage.
“No one’s meant to be alone. Not like that.
” He’d seen soldiers react that way, when the violence got too much to bear, when they lost the last thing keeping them sane.
He’d seen men break down, and stop speaking, eating, sleeping, too haunted to go on.
Or they’d just walk toward the enemy, leaving their weapons behind, inviting death to find them.
The official line was the men got confused by smoke and gunfire.
Thane knew the truth. They felt too much alone and too much alive at the same time.
He just hadn’t realized that anyone could stumble into that horror, no matter where they were. That’s what she’d been fighting when she first met him, and why she’d thrown herself into his arms, no matter what the consequences. It was her attempt to not be alone.
And even knowing that, he couldn’t stop loving her. “Cat, I’m so sorry,” he said, cradling her head against his chest, cherishing this last touch. “Just tell me what I can do, Cat. Anything you need.”
She choked up, and murmured something against his chest. He pulled away enough to hear her clearly.
“Could you forgive me?” she asked.
It took too long for the words to register. Thane just stared at her like an idiot, and before he could speak, Cat just crumpled into him.
“I knew it. I knew it was too late to try again.”
“Cat…”
“Thane, if I thought you’d forgive me, I’d beg you for another chance. But I burned all my chances up.”