Chapter 24
TWENTY THREE
Jen
In the car on the ride home, I can’t get warm. Adam shrugs off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulders, but it doesn’t do any good. My teeth are chattering as I unlock the door, and I fumble the keys before I finally get the job done.
“Let’s get you in the shower.” Adam takes my purse and sets it down on the console table and bends to untie the strap of my heels.
I let him undress me and follow him into the bathroom like I’m on tracks.
He turns the water up to scalding, and it still takes me ages to warm up.
Steam billows around us and blankets us in a fog.
Adam lathers his hands and rubs slow massaging strokes down my arms and back.
Then, all of a sudden something snaps. I go from freezing to boiling in a heartbeat. “What the fuck was that guy’s problem anyway?”
Adam laughs. “Here she is.”
“No seriously. What the actual hell? I wish we said something to the bouncer.”
“I could go back there.”
“Don’t you dare! What if he has a pack?”
“Are you actually worried about me?”
“No!” I push him, but my hands just slide off his soapy skin.
He grins. “You are. You’re worried about me. That’s so cute. I didn’t know you had it in you to be cute.”
“Shut the fuck up and take me to bed.”
He picks me up and switches off the water. “OK, but only because you asked so nicely.”
When we’re dry, I drag him under the covers and tuck my leg over him, snuggling against his side. I’m feeling much better, but there’s still a weight like a boulder sitting heavily in my stomach. Rather than bottle it up, I whisper, “Are you disappointed?”
“Huh? Why would I be disappointed?”
“Because we didn’t end up going home with a monster.”
“Of course not. I got to go home with you. I’d never call that a disappointment.”
Before our date, I reattached his penis. Now I slide my hand down his belly, taking my time to appreciate every dip and firm line. “Let me just make sure.” My fingers skate over his hip, but his hand captures mine. “Not tonight, Jen. Not after that. It doesn’t feel right.”
“Oh.” I pull my hand back. “Right.” I’m not sure how to feel about him turning me down again. What I want is to reconnect, and sure, we don’t have to do that to reconnect, but it’s been so good recently. I want to do something that feels good—easy. “You sure?”
“Jen, tell me how you’re feeling.”
I open my mouth to tell him I’m fine. To squash down the uneasy feeling and not make things uncomfortable, but then I stop myself.
“I… am worried because you’re turning down sex a lot, and that was always something you wanted more of.
I’m worried that you’ll turn around later and say I’m not satisfying you. ”
“Do you want to have sex now? Not because you think I want to or because you think you should, but do you actually want it?”
“I don’t know.” I’m confused. I thought I did, but what if he’s right?
“Then I can wait until you do. The last thing I want is to end tonight with you feeling like I pressured you into it or you did it because you felt bad. I feel awful enough about what happened.”
I snuggle closer, pressing my cheek to his bare skin. “Not your fault.”
“I still hate that I didn’t get there sooner.”
“I hate the idea that you would have fought him and then something might have happened to you.”
“It would have been worth it.”
For some weird reason, I get all choked up about that.
The simplest of statements. When the tension in my airway has eased enough for me to talk again, I clear my throat.
“It’s not worth it if something happens to you that I can’t fix.
You know we don’t even know how the zombie curse works.
What if it runs out, or something falls off and I can’t put you back together? ”
He’s quiet for a while. Eventually he sighs. “You’re right. I don’t have the answers. I guess I was just happy that for once something worked out well for me. You would never have given me a second chance if I hadn’t been turned into a zombie.”
“That’s not true!” OK, it is, but it feels horrible to admit to that now.
Adam just laughs. “Yeah, sure. I know why. I get it. But you’re right to worry. I guess I’ve been irresponsible about that too.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know.” He kisses the top of my head and gently disengages from my arms. “I should let you sleep. I’ll look into it, yeah? Let’s put your mind at ease.”
“Stay.” I reach out for him.
He slips back into the bed with a smile and lets me wrap him in my arms again. “Just until you fall asleep, OK?”
“OK.” My eyes are already drifting closed, but I’m not ready for sleep yet. I fight to keep them open. “We’ll try again, OK? To find a monster. This weekend.” Then something occurs to me. “Oh shit. The weekend. Meredith is coming to stay.”
Adam pats my back. “Don’t worry. There’s no rush. I’ll clear out. Give you two some time alone.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Yeah I do. I’m doing this the right way this time around. I’m going to treat you the way you deserve. That starts with getting my shit together.”
“Adam!”
“No, really. I want this to last.”
“Me too.”
“Good. Then I’ll take you out when your sister goes home, and we’ll have a nice night out. Someplace fancy. Maybe even book a weekend away.”
“That sounds perfect.” I’m kind of wishing my sister’s visit wasn’t this weekend so we could do that tomorrow, but I also really want to see her. It’s been too long.
“Good. Relax now, OK? Get some sleep.”
“OK.” I give in to the urge to shut my eyes.
I’m just about to drift when something else occurs to me, and I need to get the words out before I lose my nerve. “Hey, Adam?”
“Mmm?”
“When Meredith goes home, would you… would you like to move in here? For good?”
He doesn’t even hesitate. “Yep. There’s nothing I’d like more. Now get some sleep.”
I can’t fight it anymore after that.
I blink my eyes open, memory snatching at glimpses of a dream where I was chasing something down a corridor only to realize it was me being chased.
I roll over, but Adam isn’t in bed. He isn’t in the room anywhere. “Adam?”
There’s no answer. Rubbing my eyes, I push back the covers and stumble out into the living room. I’m going to have to tidy up a bit and get things ready for Meredith. I’m picking her up from the airport straight after my shift, so it’ll have to be now or never.
But when I go into the kitchen I find the dishes washed and stacked away, the counters wiped down, and a handwritten message from Adam folded and propped up like a card.
Gone home to sort my shit out. Have fun with Meredith. I’m going to book something nice for next weekend.
There’s a big black spot where the ink pooled at the beginning of the letter l, like he paused there for a while, unsure of whether to write the next word or not. Then the words love you are scrawled across the bottom of the paper.
I press the note to my chest for a long moment. He’s said those words to me before, but somehow this time they mean more. Like he’s learned the weight of them since that last time.
It makes me wish he was here so I could say them back.
I guess that can wait until our romantic weekend away.
I smile to myself at the thought of saying the words, of the smile on his face when he hears them.
Before Adam I’d never said I love you to anyone, and there hasn’t been anyone since.
I’m starting to hope there might not ever be anyone else.
A message pops up on my phone.
Meredith: can’t wait to see youuuuuuuuu! About to leave for the airport
I send her back a quick message and look around the flat one final time, but Adam has taken care of everything. He even laid out the sofa bed and covered it with a sheet and the spare pillows.
So thoughtful. While I put my toast on and make a cup of coffee, I make a mental note to thank him properly when I see him again. Then it’s off to work for another busy shift, so I don’t get another opportunity to look at my phone until I’m on the way to the airport.
Funny that there’s no message at all from Adam today.
Nothing since the note. That’s a little unusual, but I don’t have time to question it.
I dump my things and start the engine of my old hatchback, pulling out of the parking garage beneath my flat and heading for the airport.
Traffic is bad, and by the time I make it halfway there I’m in a mood.
I swear at a driver who cuts me off only to slow down immediately.
I hardly ever drive, but whenever I do the road is always full of idiots.
I’m watching the clock by the time I get to the turn off, but thankfully I find a good spot and am standing at the arrivals gate when Meredith walks out with her luggage in tow.
She gives me a big grin the moment she spots me, and then we’re hugging and crying like it’s been twenty years instead of six months since I’ve seen her.
“Oy, I can’t believe you’d do such a stupid thing as to move to America. What the hell were you thinking?” I berate her fondly.
She pulls back still grinning and gives me a rueful look. “I have no idea, honestly. I guess I must really be in love with Malcolm.”
Malcolm, Meredith’s husband, is pretty much the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, so I get why she moved to another country for him. I keep hoping she’s going to announce they’re pregnant with triplets so I can be an auntie to the best kids in the world, but it hasn’t happened yet.
“So what’s your news? Anything new? Who are you dating?” she asks as we head out toward the parking lot.
I laugh, but it comes out sounding a little hollow. “Well, actually, I do have some news, but maybe you’d better have a drink first.”